Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Valerie Harper.

It's time to play the music. It's time to light the lights.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Did you know that if Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's grandson,

Tuesday March the 2nd?

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Miss Valerie Harper!

But now let's get things started on the motivation.

Would you clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess.

Of course it's a mess. With all these Muppets exploding around here, every

I turn around, there's somebody blowing his top.

George, that is a slight exaggeration, isn't it?

I guess it's all in my mind.

Welcome to the Muppet Show.

Oh, we're so glad that you can come and be with us. Oh, me too, Kermit. You

know, I'm not filming Rhoda this week. I got a hiatus.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get out lifting something?

Oh, no. Maybe you should see a doctor.

That means that we're on vacation.

And, well, you see, I'm a total Muppet freak.

Everyone in this joint is a freak.

See what I mean?

George, this is Valerie Harper.

She's on hiatus.

I'm George, a janitor.

I'm on vitamin E.

Move it.

You have to forgive George there.

You were saying, Valerie? Yes, I was hoping that you might let me do a big

opening number on the show.

Oh, well, we had planned to open a show with Bertha Beasley and her galloping

geese. Yes. But actually, Bertha isn't here yet, and the show's about to start.

She won't be here, Kermit.

What? I scotch -taped a bushel of bird seed to her body.

Even as we speak, geese are pecking her into oblivion.

Wow, you are some determined lady. I certainly am, Kermit.

Look, I can do it if you just give me the chance.

Kermit, television is great, but I gotta get back on those boards.

You know what it's like, a live audience?

Smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd.

At least let me audition for you, will you?

Sure, I'm going in.

just a broadway baby walking off my tired feet

pounded 42nd street to be in a show oh

vote dodie over broadway baby learning how to

sing and dance waiting for that one big chance to be in a show

love to be on a marquee all to winkling lights a spark to

pierce the dark from battery park way up to washington heights

someday maybe all my dreams will

be repaid heck i'd even play the maid to be in a show

producer.

Kermit, I'm talking to you, sir.

I don't need a lot.

Only what I got.

Plus a tube of grease and a falling spot.

Someday, maybe, if I stick it long enough,

I may get to strut my stuff.

Yeah. Working.

great. You were just wonderful, Valerie. I tell you, you're going out on that

stage a star, but you're going to be coming back a chorus girl.

I'm not sure that's what I had in mind.

Yeah, what a beautiful performer.

Yeah, what a beautiful woman.

You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her.

Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you.

Besides, I was thinking of going backstage.

You! You're old enough to be her grandfather.

You geriatric joker. We'll settle this. We'll flip for her. Okay.

One, two, three.

You win.

Ha ha ha!

... ...

...

... ...

And, Chief, one of those hecklers from the box is back here, and he says he

wants to speak to Miss Harper.

Oh, for goodness sake. I've got a show to do. I can't have every Tom, Dick, and

Harry coming back here.

Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick. Hi, Harry.

Of course, there are exceptions.

Where is Miss Harper?

I demand to see her.

I will not be denied.

Well, wow, one of our hecklers has turned into a stage door Johnny.

Miss Harper is up in her dressing room there rehearsing her lines.

Well, I've been rehearsing my lines, too, for when I meet her. How's this?

Hiya, toots. You're some kind of hot -looking tomato.

That's a very old line.

Well, I'm a very old man.

Hey, listen, stage door Johnnies are supposed to bring roses. What is that

thing? Oh, roses are ordinary.

This is a very special plant for a very special lady.

It's an African berry bush.

Grows at a rate of three feet an hour. Unless it rains. Then it grows faster.

Well, I suggest that you bury your berry bush and bug out of here, buster.

That's nice alliteration, huh?

Hey, I'll have you know I've dated and wined and dined some of the finest

performers on the legitimate stage.

Hayes, Langtree, Barrymore.

Wait a minute. You dated Ethel Barrymore?

No, Lionel.

Nothing was busy that night. To tell you the truth, we didn't dance much either.

Will you get out of here?

No, I'll sit over here with my bush.

I have a feeling this is going to be one of those shows.

Here's a Muppet News flag.

Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Doctors in Milwaukee have reported a phenomenon never before witnessed in

medical animals.

Mr. Gus Klinger, a steam fitter, has over a three -month period turned into a

rug.

Here is his wife, Mrs. Klinger, to explain what happened.

Well, it all started as a simple case of shag pile on the belly, but then

gradually it spread until he is now a nine -by -twelve carpet with fringe. I

just going to have to sue for divorce, that's all.

Why is that, Mrs. Klinger?

because he does not match the drape.

Okay, now it is with great pleasure and no little concern that I present my dear

friend Ralph with an original poem written, directed, and conceived by

sort of a tour de force, which is French for blow your own horn.

So let's bring him on with a great big hand.

I've titled this original poem, The butterfly.

I saw a butterfly, one beautiful morn, flitting silently on the dew -covered

lawn. And I thought to myself, how wonderful it would be if only we could

millions of these covering the mountains, the plains, and the seas.

I held out my hand and motioned it to land.

And as it did, I looked for another butterfly with which to mate it.

I couldn't find one, so I sat down and ate it.

It was only a joke. I'm just kidding.

Yeah, Stanley would have loved that one.

But I hated it.

Okay, let's move that butterfly. Move it, move it, move it.

Well,

at least you're better than that bear.

Not much, but... Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, if it's any of your business, janitor man, I'm waiting for Miss

Looks like your plant could use some water.

No, no, you fool.

Oh, no.

This is an African berry bush.

It grows at an enormous rate. It will grow and grow and eat everything in

It bears a striking resemblance to my brother -in -law.

Honesty is the best policy.

Oh, positively.

Well, you are a terrible dancer.

Well, a crack like that in your best policy will be an insurance policy.

You better be careful. There's a bat coming your way.

Oh, that's all right. My uncle was a vampire.

So what do I do here?

Oh, Sam, you just play the part of the bird.

I mean, it's not written for an eagle, but... What is this? Cultural.

Oh, yeah. This is light opera. Gilbert and Sullivan.

Begin.

On a tree by the river, a little tomtit sang... This

is your part, Sam.

Willow, tit, willow, tit, willow.

And I said to him... Dickie Bird.

That's you, Sam. You play the part.

Why do you sit singing Dickie Bird?

Willow, Ted Willow, Ted Willow.

Is it weakness of intellect?

Birdie, I cried.

Not meaning you. Or a rather tough worm in your little inside.

With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,

Willow, tick, willow, tick, willow.

Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name isn't

Willow, tick, willow, tick, willow.

That was blinded affection that made him exclaim, You want to do this?

Willow, tick, willow, tick, willow.

And if you remain callous and obdurate, I... What's obdurate?

I don't know.

...shall perish as he did, and you will know why.

Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die.

This is the last one, Sam.

Willow.

Kit Willow.

Kit Willow.

Why are they laughing?

Gonna fight.

getting a chance to meet Miss Harper backstage just because he could do a

But I bet he can't do this.

Hey, sometimes I tickle myself.

In fact, I think I'll tickle myself now.

Stadler, you've got to do something about this crazy plan of yours.

Now, hold it right there. I know my rights.

Section 3, paragraph 4.

Peter Gore's manual, any member of the audience has the right to... Oh, don't

give me that hogwash.

What'd you say? I said don't give me that hogwash. All right, I was going to

wash the hogs, but if you don't want the hogwash, I'll just dump it here.

No, no, no!

my comb. Do you know where I can get a new one?

Oh, haven't you met Bernie, our new makeup man?

No, I guess I haven't. Oh, uh, Bernie!

Bernie! Uh, Bernie, Miss Harper needs a comb, Bernie.

Oh, hiya, Miss Harper.

Hiya, Bernie.

I'll get you a comb in just a minute. In the meantime, have an egg.

Hilda, don't tell me...

You want a punchline.

This is a punchline.

On

stage

for the next sketch, please.

Oh, Kermit.

Kermit, I cannot do my monologue.

How come?

Because the tree ate my cue card.

Kermit, one of these days I'm going to get you for this. Well, you could have

avoided it. I would have avoided all this if you had let me meet Miss Harper

when I asked. The only person you're going to meet back here is Tarzan.

I hope he's a good dancer.

Once again, the happy harmonies, the melodious melodies, the warm warblings

Wayne and Wanda.

Please do it for me or somebody.

I'm not clear.

I am so pleased that you're going to allow me to do a big dance number to

the show.

Oh, listen, it's my pleasure. Hey, but I think I should warn you. You're going

to be doing this with our chorus line, and they're known as the Claude Hoppers.

That's perfect.

It's been so long since I've danced, I'll fit right in. I'll be a perfect

Claude.

Oh, no, no, don't worry. I'm going to give it my best shot.

Oh, you're a trooper, Valerie.

I'll go out there and introduce you, okay?

Okay.

Hang in there, gang.

This could be the start of a new career.

Or the end of one.

Okay. And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Valerie Harper with the

Clodhoppers.

If there's a wrong way to say it, a wrong way to play it, nobody does it

me.

If there's a wrong way to do it, a right way to mess it up, nobody does it

like me.

Oh.

Oh.

If there's a wrong way to keep it cool, a right way to be a fool.

Like me.

Let's thank our special guest star, Miss Valerie Harper.

Good.

I can't tell you how great it's been being with you, if very unusual.

Excuse me, Miss Harper.

My name is Stadler. For heaven's sake, Stadler.

I was wanting to meet you all evening.

I wanted to give you this little present and ask you if you'd join me for a

steak dinner later on. Wait a second.

Didn't that plant grow into a great big bush, or was that my imagination?

Yeah.

is its firstborn.

Thank you very much, Sattler. It's lovely.

But I can't join you for dinner. You see, I'm a vegetarian.

Of course, I could always eat the plant.

Yeah, before it eats you.

Okay, well, good night, Valerie. Good night, everybody. We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show.

I was practicing my flip.