Original subtitles

Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Another show, another headache.

It's time to get things started.

Great show for you tonight. Our special guest is Mr. Paul Williams, singer,

composer, actor, and all -around good guy.

And we're not going to do any jokes about his size.

But he's such a cute little fellow, we're going to make him an honorary

But right now, let's get things started with a musical number done up in a brand

new way, All of Me.

Take my arm.

me with eyes that cry here take them too how can i go on deal

without you you took the part

In your chest?

Here, here, let me give you a hand.

You took the part that once was my heart.

I hear the cannons roar.

No, Harker, the cannons roar.

Hi, Fass. What's wrong? You look worried.

Well, see, it's my new act. I hope it worked.

Oh, come on. You're the greatest.

Yeah? Yeah, you're always good.

Besides, you're on soon. Now is no time to panic.

Oh, well, see, I got ten minutes of jokes here on the War of 1812.

Now is the time to panic.

Listen, if you're really in trouble, why don't you just use the old telephone

pole bit?

The old telephone pole bit? Oh, yeah, it's the best.

Well, I don't know it. It's a classic.

It's a classic? Yeah. Oh, terrific. I can use it. Tell me, what is it? Okay,

curtain's open. The curtain's open. The audience is there. The audience is

there. There we are together. There we are together.

Hold it. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

We? Again.

No, you don't understand.

I see.

I am a stand -up bear.

Uh -huh. Yeah, yeah.

I, I work alone.

I tell the jokes on stage alone.

No, no, no. You don't tell jokes in the telephone pole, bit.

Why not?

Well, you're the telephone pole.

Cute. Cute idea.

We'll see.

Okay, right now, friends, it is my great pleasure to introduce one of the most

talented people in our business, and it's a real treat to have him with us on

The Muppet Show, Mr. Paul Williams.

Just an old -fashioned love song playing on the radio.

And wrapped around the music is the sound of someone promising they'll never

You'll swear you've heard it before as it slowly rambles on and on. No need in

bringing them back because they've never really gone.

the phone listen to each evening when the lights are low

to underscore our love affair with tenderness and

feeling that we've come to know you'll swear

you've heard it before as it slowly rambles on and on no need in bringing

back they've never

race. What race is that?

The 100 -yard dash.

Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

Folks, let me take just one moment of your time to acquaint you with a

fascinating new product.

It's Muppet's all -purpose tenderizer.

Now, you can use it on all sorts of dishes. For example, dishes like this

here.

Well, that's one of the problems with dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break.

But if you had used all -purpose tenderizer in such fashion as this, your

dish would have been as tender as this.

Oh, it sets me all aquiver.

Well, it's lovely.

And what it does for dishes, it can do for utensils, too. Watch.

Only take the second.

So there it is.

Muppet's all -purpose tenderizer. It's new from Muppet Labs.

Okay,

who's the smarty pants who tenderized the table? I mean it.

Science, huh?

They can put a man on the moon.

Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man.

Silence. A poem by Ralph.

That's me.

Silence. Hear the nothingness.

Listen to the quietness of everlasting space.

Down the winding velvet corridors of time it sweeps.

And sweeps.

And sweeps.

And sweeps away the sound of creatures crying in the night.

Creatures crying in the night. And cry we must, for we have tasted the

fruit.

But lo, lo the faceless name.

Faceless name, the nameless face is whispered.

But overall, the blessed silence falls. Sweet serpentines of silence

singing their sad song.

Out of the silence and dark, we build the music.

of emptiness drumming in our ears.

Will you all get out of

here?

But in, in the end, all

is silence, quiet, silent ways, all still.

You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted. I mean, this is a

great show to do.

I have a special reason for being very excited. You see, except for me, the

entire cast is Muppets.

Muppets are little, tiny things.

For the first time in my life, no one will make jokes about how short I am.

the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on this show.

For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of 30 million people.

I am a telephone pole.

Patsy, what are you doing?

It's my new activist scooter. I'm practicing to be a telephone pole.

That's ridiculous.

You don't look like a telephone pole.

No one would believe you were a telephone pole.

I am a landman for the county.

On the other hand, what do I know about telephone poles?

I'll be darned. You say that's your boy?

How could you have a son that age?

I didn't. When I had him, he was just a baby.

Oh, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are more beautiful than the

summer days.

You know, there's a lot of hair in you.

That man is annoying me.

He isn't even looking at you.

That's what's annoying me.

That's very kind of you, Kermit. Thank you. Yeah, and you know what? You're not

going to hear any jokes about your being little bitty and small and cute and all

that sort of thing like you are. You're not going to hear that coming from me.

You're probably.

No. That's little guys got to stick together. Oh, yeah. Listen. And besides

that, there have been a lot of famous people who were small in size.

It's true. Sure. Like Napoleon.

Truman Capote.

Mickey Rooney.

Tom Thumb.

Not to mention the legendary Wally Blattner.

Wally Blattner, a favorite.

Wally Blackman. Who is Wally Blackman?

Oh, he invented the elevator shoe.

The elevator boot?

Mm -hmm. Lifts, right? Right, right.

Whatever happened to old Wally?

Well, one day somebody pressed his down button and he was never seen again.

Down button. Oh, I get it. You mean he... That's terrible.

That's terrible.

Yeah, if you think that was terrible, what about the 12 people who were riding

with him?

That's a ludicrous story.

I mean, even told by a frog. That's ridiculous.

Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?

Sometimes, yeah.

Oh, yeah? Going up.

Now Paul is someone everybody can look up to.

I am a telephone pole.

I am made of solid wood. I am a telephone pole. I am made of solid wood.

I am too talented for my own good.

Will you please?

Yes, ma 'am. You are confirmed. Two tickets to New York City.

Hello?

Hello. I want to go to Pittsburgh. I can send you to Pittsburgh first class on a

supersonic jet for $764.

You got anything cheaper?

I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for $511.

You got anything cheaper?

I can send you to Pittsburgh Excursion Economy, an old prop job for about $3

.98. You got anything cheaper?

Yeah, I can send you to Pittsburgh Standing Room Only on a broken down old

for about $75.

You got anything cheaper?

Yeah, I think I can work something out for you, pal.

Hey, Charlie, you want to mail this to Pittsburgh?

My mother is very

religious. She's a fanatic? No, she's a church.

And here they are now, my kind of people, Wayne and Wanda.

when a retired shoe salesman recently had a most unusual experience, and we at

Muppet News Central feel it is a story that should be shared with everyone.

Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to tell you of this most bizarre event.

Well, it was about a week ago, and I was sitting at home watching television.

It must have been about 9 o 'clock.

Suddenly the phone rang.

Well, I picked it up, but there wasn't anybody there.

So I hung up.

And then I went back to watching the television.

Darnedest thing.

Whenever unusual events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News.

Boy, I'm going to be really interested in that. That's private business here,

Scooter. That's all right. Oh, and by the way, you guys are really going to do

the old telephone pole bit? That's all right, Chief.

Lots of luck.

Scooter, I won't do it. What?

I just found out what the telephone pole bit is, and I will not do it. Oh, come

on. Fozzie, come on. We're on now.

Besides, we'll be terrific.

Scooter, we will not be terrific. We will die out there. Die. Of course we're

not going to die. What makes you think we're going to die?

Just a hunch.

Well,

folks, we got a little something different for you tonight in the old

spot. Our own Fozzie Bear is being joined by our... gopher scooter, and

they are doing that classic comedy sketch, the telephone pole bet.

Hello, and what's your name?

Mike Eisnowitzki. Oh, so you're the telephone pole.

Huh? Good old spot.

He's never been better. Or shorter.

Same difference.

That's a sad song. That used to be our song.

The one you just played.

I wonder if I'd say what we'd be doing now.

Yeah, but part of being people is a never

-changing mind.

We don't mean...

To be unkind, we just grow.

That's a sad song that used to be our song.

And oh, she sang it too.

And every word rang true.

Like a bell somehow.

When I ran off, chasing vision.

Emotions made me blind.

Like a fool, I left behind an angel's glow.

So play one more time. That sympathy

in rhyme.

Let those old familiar feelings not show.

Thank you, Kermit. I've loved every minute of it, little guy.

Except,

of course, for the parts that I hate it.

Sorry about that, Paul.

Hey, but we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!

Oh, it's good for what ails me.

Well, what ails you?

Insomnia.