All language subtitles for the_muppet_show_s01e03_rita_moreno

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars
Rita Moreno. She's one of my all -time

favorite guest stars. I just have to
tell you that I have always been a

nut. That I love all of you so much.

It also was

the first episode that featured the long
-running, long -punning...

sketch Veterinarian's Hospital, which,
by the way, is pretty much where Miss

Piggy got her start as well.

You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Bob?

I'd never call myself a doctor. They
don't come when you call them anyway.

Rita Moreno was the first performer to
win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, and an

Emmy. She won her Emmy as Best
Performance by a Guest on a Comedy

for her appearance in this episode.

So here it is, The Muppet Show, starring
Rita Moreno.

It's The Muppet Show with our special
guest star, Miss Rita Moreno.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why us?

It's time to get things started.

unfortunately left their costumes at
home because they forgot to pack their

trunks.

I gave him that joke.

I wish I gave it right back.

But right now, let's get things moving
with our special guest star, the

beautiful, lovely, terrific, and
talented...

Great number, great number. Hey, would
somebody help that guy up the stairs,

please? She always does. She was, but
was I good?

Good. Piggy, honey, you're a rip
snorter.

Hey, Fozzie, can you get that? I get it,
Kermit.

Hello, Muppet Show backstage.

Who was it?

The water department.

What the hell?

And now, Veterinarians Hospital, the
continuing story of a former orthopedic

surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was
operating in the other room.

I know. It's the talk of the hospital.

Boogie boogie.

Now cut that out. Let me have the ear
thing.

Ear thing, Dr. Bob.

Oh,

feels good.

Stick. Stick, Dr. Bob.

Fetch.

What's that all about?

That's my laboratory retriever.

Keep your eye on it.

Thank you.

Oh, what do you think, Dr. Bob?

I think it's man is sick. You ought to
see a doctor.

But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.

That's your opinion. I'm getting out of
here.

You can't leave Fuzzy. Dr.

Bob is the only one who can save you
now.

She's right. I saved over 500 last year.
What, patients?

No, dollars.

Of course, I also lost over 100 pounds.

What, in weight?

No, in England.

Dr. Bob, you should be ashamed of
yourself. You call yourself a doctor,

I'd never call myself a doctor. They
don't come when you call them anyway.

Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse
Piggy say... Dr. Bob, you've lost all

your patience.

I can't help it. I've got a short
temper.

Good night, Bill, now.

Okay, a little shanky, a little shanky,
guys.

Hello, backstage, the Muppet Show.

Ozzie, who was it?

The fire department.

I think this is what they call a running
gag.

No, that's what they call a running gag.

Here's a Muppet News Flash.

Dateline Fresno. Mr. Thomas Galley spent
the last 27 months teaching his pet

chicken to dance classical ballet.

Last Saturday, the chicken passed her
auditions and became a member of the

Copenhagen Ballet.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish
to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed

ballerina for lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I wonder what the
Swedish chef has up his sleeve.

A summons from the Board of Health.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

the horn, there's the horn, there's the
horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn, there's the horn.

the horn, there's the horn, there's the
horn, there's the horn. There's the

horn, there's the horn, there's the
horn, there's the horn. There's the

there's the horn, there's the horn,
there's the horn Boop!

Boop!

Boop!

Yeah, but a couple of what?

I hear you come from a broken home.

Yeah, I've broken myself.

Two, three, dip.

Dip. Dip.

Does one ever encounter sharks in these
parts?

Oh, no, absolutely not. Never.

Why do you ask?

Just curious.

that you shouldn't panic if you don't
have a job.

That's easy for him to say. He's got a
job.

I don't think we should come to this
ballroom anymore.

Why? It seems to be attracting a lower
class of animals.

Oh, we're... We're right.

That's Tango.

just about a year ago to a little town
called Morrow in the state of Ohio.

I've never been much of a traveler, and
I really didn't know that Morrow was the

hardest place I'd ever try to go.

So I went down to the station for my
ticket and applied for tips regarding

Morrow, not expecting to be guide.

Said I, my friend, I'd like to go
tomorrow and return no later than

for I haven't time to burn.

Said he to me, now let me see if I have
heard you right. You'd like to go

tomorrow and return tomorrow night. You
should have gone tomorrow, yesterday,

and back today.

For the train that goes tomorrow is a
mile upon its way.

You had gone tomorrow, yesterday, now
don't you see?

You could have gone tomorrow and
returned today at three. For the train

tomorrow, if the schedule is right.

Today it gets tomorrow and returns
tomorrow night.

Said I, I'd like to go. tomorrow, so can
I go today and get tomorrow by tonight

if there is no delay?

Well, well, I said to him, and I've got
no more to say. Can you get anywhere

tomorrow and get back again today?

He said, I guess you know it all, but
kindly let me say, how can I get

if I leave this town today?

You cannot go tomorrow anymore today,
for the train that goes tomorrow is a

upon its way. I was so disappointed.

I was mad enough to swear the train had
gone tomorrow and it left me standing

there. The man was right in telling me,
you are a howling jay, you cannot go

tomorrow. Well, I guess in town I'll
stay.

I don't get it.

to present a group of performers that I
personally discovered in the waiting

room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio.

They weren't performing there. They were
just waiting.

What did you say?

I don't know. I wasn't...

What's the matter with you? You don't
understand English?

No, I don't understand English.

Don't make fun of the lady's accent.

What accent?

Listen, boy chick, I speak as good
English as the next guy.

Yes, the next guy is Desi Arnaz.

Please, girls, if you want... Listen,
you.

How would you like a high -heeled Andrew
Hamhock?

What about conversation as a dying art?
If conversation is a dying...

You see, in my country, we have a seldom
-used saying. When the swine lubricates

the automobile, you end up with a
greased pig.

That doesn't make sense.

I know. That's why it's seldom -used.

In my country, we have a saying, too.

What is that supposed to mean?

Easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears.

Yes. In fact, I just got a concussion
from that discussion.

Hey, listen, Rita. Yes? At this time in
the show, I'd like to... Kermit, Kermit,

before you go on. What? I just have to
tell you that I have always been a

nut, that I love all of you so much.

Hey, but listen, this is

the part of the show, you see, where we
have what we call our talk spot, you

see, where the guest sits here and talks
casually.

And spontaneously with the frog. I know,
I know. But Kermit, haven't you ever

noticed on these variety shows when they
have a talk spot that the actors always

come off so phony? I mean, you know that
they are rehearsed. You know that they

are reading cue cards. Yeah, but Rita,
on our show, on our... Wait a minute.

Rita, on our show, we do not use any cue
cards. Rita, on our

show, we do not... Kermit!

I was just kidding there. Oh, sorry.

Kermit, can't we just please do it
Muppet style?

Let's ad -lib it.

Oh, you mean ad -lib? Just sort of,
yeah, just make it up. Well, I don't

Sure, yeah, just chatting like that.
Well, sure. But I don't mind doing that.

But there are others who might take
offense.

Like who?

Well, like the guy who holds the cue
cards.

Who wants freedom to hold cue cards?

Will I, uh... No.

Nice lady, let freedom hold something
else.

Oh, sure. You can hold anything you
want.

That best offer me have all week.

What happens so often on

our show, our guest stars just get
carried away.

As always... All of us right -thinking
people know Wayne and Wanda are the only

truly uplifting acts on this whole
questionable program.

So, with a sense of awesome pride, I
present the singing team of

Wayne and Wanda with Goody Goody. Oh,
Goody Goody.

So you met someone who set you back on
your heels.

to laugh a minute by the clock.

Oh, yeah? Well, you better check your
clock. It looks like it stopped.

I go with a lovely girl. She's so bow
-legged, when she stands around the

she stands around the house.

Hey, hey, you remind me of Charlton
Heston.

Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes.

Well?

Look, I'm good enough to play the
palace.

You're not good enough to clean the
palace.

like my last joke?

Yes, if you promise it's your last joke.

You guys wouldn't know a good joke if it
fell over one.

Well, we're not in any danger with your
act.

Okay, on stage for Rita's closing
number. That's Rita, Floyd, and Animal,

please. On stage, on stage.

Okay? Everybody ready for that closing?

happen when I do answer it. I'm aware of
that. I'm aware of that, Fuzzy. Is

there no end to this running gag?

Well,

I

guess that puts an end to this running
gag.

And also to all the incoming calls.

Never know how much I love you.

Never know how much I care.

When you put your arms around me, I get
the fever that's so hard to bear.

You give me fever.

When you kiss me, fever when you hold me
tight.

Cool it.

you know I'm gonna treat you right

end of the show and i cannot but pause
to thank our lovely guest star miss rita

moreno rita i wish you would throw

things on the floor we try to be neat
around here oh that's okay kermit he

it i had lunch with him today it's okay
okay hey thank you rita and thank you

all

Yes. Well, I still couldn't find the
chewing gum.