Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with tonight's special guest star, Mr. Jim Navers.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the puppet show tonight.

My cousin is so thin, he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a

flagpole.

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Jim Neighbors!

But now let's get started.

another great show for you with our special guest star, Mr. Jim Neighbors.

all of this, all of this is coming to you, by the way, from the Benny

Memorial Theater.

We on The Muppet Show owe everything to Benny, including three months back rent.

So in lieu of the rent, here's the fantastic Dr.

Teeth with money!

Yeah!

I don't want no kissing.

I don't want no gal to call me honey.

I don't want my name in the Hall of Fame.

I just want a big fat pile of money.

Give me that almighty dollar for that lettuce every holler. Give me a bucket

full of ducats. Let me walk around and wallow in my Zuma. Elder narrow, want to

be a millionaire. Give me money, money, money, money, money.

I want that green ammunition. That's the stuff for which I'm wishing. Fill my

closets with deposits. I'm a demon in addition.

Give me shekels, give me facelos, let me see their smiling facelos. Money,

money, money, money, money.

Want to get me a suit that's made out of lute and whistle to wear it in green.

I've got that monetary -itis, like beaches, like King Midas. Want that

dutch is what I mean.

Give me that old double eagle. Want that tender that is legal and financially

substantial. Any sum I can in vegal. Want a living regal splendor for that

loving legal tender.

Money, money, money, money, money.

I'm a greenback collector. I'm a paper bill inspector.

I'm a savage for that cabbage man. To me, it's gold and nectar. Pour that

lucre on me. Spread those lovin' germs upon me. Money, money, money, money,

money.

And if they ever plant trees of equal or of a genome, I want to be the

guy that they send out to prune them. I'll give him my ass.

They don't write the old songs anymore.

They only write new ones.

Oh, Dr.

T, you are one hip dude.

Nice number. Nice number. Don't lose any of that money, though. Oh, I won't. I

won't.

Hi. Are you Kermit the Frog?

Uh, yeah. Oh, I'm Scooter.

Cute. Cute name.

I'm your new gopher.

Gopher? No, no. We have frogs and pigs and chickens around here, but we've

had a gopher. Matter of fact, you don't even look like a gopher.

Yeah, well, you don't understand. You see, I'm your new gopher. Yeah, I'll go

for coffee. I'll go for sandwiches.

I'll go for anything you need. I work real cheap.

and I got plenty of ideas for your theater, and I'll start tonight, okay?

Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too young, you don't have any experience,

I don't have any money for it in the budget. Yeah, well, my uncle owns this

theater.

You start today, get me a cup of coffee, your salary is 20 a week.

Stand by for the next number.

Could you make it 25?

Are you kidding? I can't afford it!

Gee, my uncle would be really disappointed.

How about 30?

My wife's not feeling well.

Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the trouble?

She's got the shingles.

We're real proud to have with us on the show tonight a gentleman who has two

distinct personalities.

He's a real country boy who became famous as Gomer Pyle, and also he sings

everything from pop to opera. So let's give a real Muppet Show welcome to Jim

Neighbors!

Gone with the wind, just like a leaf that

has blown away.

Gone with the wind, my romance has

a real good sport, a real good singer.

I used to live next door to him. He was a real good neighbor.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Billy Lee Boomer, a gas station attendant from Pennybox, Texas, reported

flying saucer landed at his station last night, said Mr.

Boomer.

They didn't want no guy.

They just wanted to use the restroom.

Can't say to blame them. Said they'd travel, they'd three million miles

a stop.

No, I don't know when we're going on either.

No, it's a great thing. Hey, Kermit, here's your coffee. Whoa!

Not just the way you like it.

Too much sugar.

Well, anyway, I just found this fantastic new act. Scooter, I don't have

the show for a new act. Oh, that's too bad. I found him in my uncle's office.

It's his favorite act.

What's the name of the act? Oh, they're called the Danceros. Oh, they are

fantastic. They're out of sight. And they're your uncle's favorite act.

Oh,

boy. Hey, Danceros, you're on.

Okay, now with great pride and no little fear, the international debut of the

Danceros, whatever they are.

Take it

Take it

Take it Going

home It went

better in rehearsal Hey

animal Are you on, Nick?

Yeah.

Well, as they say in show business, break a leg.

It says break a leg.

Oh, thank you.

George,

George, come here. I'm busy.

Come here.

Have you got the scooter?

This is Scooter. He's our new golfer. So if you need anything around here, you

know. Need anything?

Me? Need anything from some young kid?

Listen, kid.

I've been with this theater since the very beginning, you know. Before that

guy bought it and ruined it.

Now the roof leaks and the seats are torn.

The furnace is on the fritz. I tell you, he is the worst.

And he's my uncle. He is the best.

What's a theater without problems? Right.

Your uncle's got a good head in his shoulders.

Huh? Unlike some people around here.

Ten,

eleven, twelve. Yeah, go.

You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid.

What was that?

My husband.

You know, my doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu.

What did he say to do?

He says take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning.

Do you believe in the hereafter?

Oh, yes.

Ah, then you know what I'm here after.

You got something I've been looking for all my life.

Well, it's halftime.

It is? Yeah. What's the score?

Well, Muppet six, audience nothing.

All right, now this is what you call your doll kind of music here.

As you'll see.

Sing it.

Bowery corner, foggy night, passing

crowd, electric light.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

German chef, can of tin,

sausages are bored.

up in.

Oh, play it pretty wrong.

Yeller dog, nearby prowls, smells

a sausage, softly growls.

Clumsy man, wooden leg,

upsets the boiler.

with his peg.

Spills the sausage, scatters worst.

Yeller, don't, he gets there first.

He grabs the sausage, splits the fog.

It's another case of dog eat dog.

It's another case of dog eat dog.

Hey,

you know, Jim, it's a real pleasure to have you with us on the show.

Well, thank you, Kermit. It's a real pleasure to be here. I'm sort of an old

country boy, and I feel right at home with all these chickens and roosters and

pigs. Especially that Miss Piggy. I just love her.

Oh, Piggy Lee. You called my mother.

Hey, Miss Piggy.

Piggy, if you don't mind, Jim and I are just trying to hold a quiet

conversation. Oh, go right ahead. Don't mind me.

Kermit, one thing, I never know whether to call him Jim or Gomer.

Well, I guess it is kind of confusing. You see, I played Gomer Pyle on

television. Gomer Pyle. I love Gomer Pyle. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Well, I

him for so long, I guess I got confused myself. But it goes along with my

astrological sign. See, I'm a Gemini. That means I got twin personalities.

Oh, yeah. Hey, listen. Well, I'm a Taurus.

You are a Taurus. That's the sign of the bull, isn't it?

I'm a bullfrog.

What sign were you born under, Miss Piggy?

I wasn't born under a sign. I was born over a sign at Becker's Butcher Shop.

I moved as soon as possible.

Gee, I don't blame you.

I was wondering, Jim, does being a Gemini give you any kind of problems?

Well, it sure does, you know, because I talk like this, but then I sing like

this.

What happened? It doesn't appreciate

classical music, James.

But it drives me bananas.

Kermit, Kermit. Hold, hold, hold.

Listen, listen.

There was a young kid following me all around the theater.

Yeah, I know. His name is Scooter.

Cute. Cute name.

The trouble is, you see, He's following me all around and giving me these jokes

for my act, and they are awful.

Fuzzy, how would you know?

How would I know, smarty frog?

Okay, okay, listen. Here's one of these jokes he gave me. It's terrible.

Okay, tell us. Gonzo, listen. This is one of these jokes.

I stay at a hotel so exclusive, room service has an unlisted number.

And here they are, the world's finest and most morally unobjectionable singing

team, Wayne and Wanda.

And now, Indian love call.

When I'm calling you.

Hey, baby, you...

the comedy star of our show, the man who comes to us direct from a very long

engagement, but a very short marriage, the man who thinks that Elton John is a

singing bathroom.

I'd like now to bring out one of the top comics of the business.

Since he's not here, bring out the regular guy.

Okay, here he is now, our very own barrel of boss, Mr. Fozzie Bar.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Time for fun with Fuzzy Bear.

Here's some jokes from everywhere.

Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear.

It's time for the audience to go elsewhere.

If you don't mind, I'll do the jokes.

We don't mind. But when are you going to do them?

Pay no attention to them, folks. They don't bother me. I can handle hecklers

my sleep.

Oh, well, don't tell that to the audience.

They're asleep, too.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Uh, listen.

I'm going to tell you my best joke, and if you don't laugh, then I'll never come

back out on this stage again, okay?

It's a deal.

Oh.

Ah. Ah.

Uh, uh.

These two cannibals were talking. One cannibal said to the other cannibal, Who

was that lady I saw you out with last night?

The other cannibal says, that was no lady. That was my lunch.

I got you. I got you. And I lied. That was my worst joke.

Oh, I love me when I'm good.

Pacing, timing.

Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?

Well, either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility.

Here it is, my first night at Benson's Bakery as watchman.

And I've got to be real careful and not let anybody in here.

Uh -oh, here comes somebody now.

Wait a minute, stop right there. Stop right there. Put up your hands. Put up

your hands. I beg pardon?

Your hands, put them up.

Oh, oh, okay.

What's that?

Those are my hands.

Where shall I put them?

Well, right here on the table, I guess.

Okay.

Now,

wait a minute, baby.

What rat have you got to be here?

What rat do I have? Well, I got this rat right here.

Oh, well, I guess you do have a rat to be here.

Thank you.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't move a hair.

Okay.

What's that?

That's the hair I'm not supposed to move.

Now, wait a minute. I don't want any beef out of you.

No beef. Okay.

Here's some pork.

Now, wait just a minute.

you animals doing here? This is supposed to be a bakery.

Well, you see, the farmer's been losing money. We came here to raise some dough.

Well, well, well, I'm sure glad we got that straightened out. For a minute

there, I thought she was just being silly.

Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin. Let me tell you.

Oh, oh, hi, hi, Scooter.

Hey, Fass, you know, I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was.

Me?

You think that I'm the... Oh, wow. Really, I mean it. Cross my heart. Yeah?

mean, you're the best. Oh, yeah? Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you.

Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down.

You're a million laughs. Hey, in that case, let me tell you about my

cousin. He's so rich, his automobile is fitted with a prescription windshield.

Okay, tell me about him.

Lucky his uncle owns this place.

That was a joke!

Now, once again, folks, Mr. Jim Neighbors.

on the farm kind of laid back ain't much no country boy like me can't hack it's

early to rise and early in the sack thank god i'm a country boy simple kind

life never done me no harm raising me a family and working on the farm my days

are all filled with an easy country charm thank god i'm a country boy well i

me a fine life i got me old fiddle the sun's coming up i got kicks on the

griddle life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle thank god i'm a country boy

The work's all done and the sun's setting low. I pull out my fiddle and I

up my bow. The kids are asleep so I keep it kind of low.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

I'd play daddy good and all day if I could, but the Lord and the wife

take it very good.

I fiddle when I can and I work when I should.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old fiddle. When the sun's coming up, I got

cakes on the griddle. And life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

I wouldn't trade my life for diamonds or jewels, never was one of them money

-hungry fools.

I'd rather have my fiddle and my farm in two.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

City folks drivin' in a black limousine, a lot of sad people think that's mighty

keen. Folks, let me tell you exactly what I mean.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old fiddle. When the sun's comin' up, I got

kicked on the riddle. Life ain't nothin' but a funny, funny riddle. Thank God

I'm a country boy.

My daddy till the day that he died, he took me by the hand and held me close to

his side. Said, live a good life, play the fiddle with pride.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Daddy taught me young how to hunt and how to whittle. He taught me how to work

and play a tune on the fiddle. Taught me how to love and give just a little.

Thank God I'm a country boy.

Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old fiddle. And the sun's coming up, I got

cakes on the griddle. Life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle.

I want to give our special thanks to our very special guest star, Mr. Jim

Navarro. Hey,

Jim, I hope you had a good time.

I sure did, Kermit. But tell me, who was that little old fellow that kept

following me throughout the show?

Oh, that scooter.

His uncle owns the theater.

You called?

No, I didn't.

Oh, that's okay, Kermit. He was real nice. He picked up my coffee and he

up my wardrobe. Yeah, I even picked up his accent.

Well, go on.

Be careful he doesn't try to pick up your paycheck.

Shut up. I'm fudgy. I'm piggy.

I'm not anymore.

Well, I'm saying goodnight. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Go away.

Go away.

Pay up. They made it through another one.

Double or nothing next week's show.

You're on.