Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show you're about to see stars Mark Hamill and C

and R2 -D2.

Excuse me, Martin Luke, but what is this strange world we've come to?

Beats me, 3PO.

Seems we've landed on some sort of comedy variety show planet.

In this episode, they kidnap the pigs in Spaceship, the swine track. They land

on a planet, Coosbane, and even do battle with a mysterious villain who

himself Dirtnader.

Dirk Major.

Who? Who looks a lot like the great Gonzo. The world will never know.

Frank Oz, who is the performer of Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, and a lot of

other characters, performed Yoda in three of the Star Wars films.

For Star Wars fans and Muppet fans, here's The Muppet Show starring Mark

R2 -D2, and C -3PO.

Angus McGonagall.

Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. McGonagall.

Yes, sirree, Scooter, little buddy. I'm raring to guess.

Whoa, look.

It's Luke Skywalker in C -3PO.

And R2 -D2 from Star Wars.

Oh, they'd make much better guests than Mr. McGonagall. You're going to have to

leave. Sorry. Come on, let's go.

Excuse me, Master Luke, but what is this strange world we've come to?

Beats me, Threepio.

Seems we've landed on some sort of comedy variety show planet.

It's the Muffin Show with our very special guest stars, the stars of Star

It's time to get things started. Why don't you get things started?

You're looking a little sheepish.

It's time to get things started. I'm the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, palpitational.

Muppet Show and a very special show we have for you tonight.

Because, until about two minutes ago, our guest star was scheduled to be Angus

McGonagall, the Argyle Gargoyle, but we have cancelled him.

This is an outrage.

I demand my spot.

Well, listen, I don't even know what an Argyle Gargoyle does.

I gargle Gershwin.

The Argyle... gargoyle gargles Gershwin?

Gorgeously!

Will you get off the stage?

Off, off, off!

Now that Angus has been cancelled because, believe it or not, with us

are none other than the stars of Star Wars featuring special guest Mark

But first, in keeping with the mood of the show, let us go where sheep may

safely graze, shall we?

Ding -dong.

Ding -dong.

Ding.

Dong.

Ding.

Ram -a -lam.

Ding -dong.

Ram -a -lam. Ding -ding -dong.

Ram -a -lam -a -lam -a -ding -dong. Ram -a -lam -a -lam -a -lam -a -ding.

Ram -a -lam -a -lam -a -lam -a -ding -dong. Ram -a -lam.

She's everything to me And I will set her free Cause

she is mine, all mine I've got a

girl named She is kind to me

You won't believe That she is mine, all mine

Bob Bob Bob Bob

And incidentally, why are you fellas here?

We are searching for Chewbacca. Oh, Chewbacca the Wookiee? Correct.

As Artem rightly says, he's been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? Well, why are you looking around here?

We received this hyperspace telegram from him. What?

To Luke Skywalker, C -3PO on R2 -D2, help, I am being held prisoner by a

of weird turkeys.

It does rather sound like your show.

Yeah, it does.

Remember all the...

Officer's upstairs.

3BO, you cover that exit.

What shall I cover it in?

Down with the Empire!

What was that?

That was my master, Luke Skywalker.

I'll try to calm him down. But you know how strangely excitable these humans

are?

You're a strange resource.

And now a Muppet News Flash.

Here are the results of today's national sheepdog trials.

All the sheepdogs have been found not guilty.

I'm practicing for my big number in the second part of the show.

I hope they love it.

Everybody's a critic.

Oh, hey, did you guys find Chewbacca?

Not yet, but he's got to be around here somewhere.

Oh, well, you know, as long as the three of you are here, how about you go out

on stage and do a song for us?

What? You must be joking.

Well, look, your little garbage can friend wants to.

Oh, stop it, Arthur.

Don't be so vulgar.

You're not a song and dance droid.

Oh, come along.

Our job is to find the wookie.

Listen, pal, we're on a mission. There's no way we're going to be involved in

any third -rate variety show.

Second -rate variety show.

Hey, come here. Hold it, hold it.

You're my camel.

Yes.

Huh? No, no, no.

He's my cousin.

That's it.

He's my cousin, and he's right outside.

Oh, go get him. Hurry. Hurry. I want to see him.

Run. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Hiya, Bobby.

Oh, wow. Hey, you know what? You could be a guest on this very show, right,

Kermit? Oh, well, maybe.

What do you do, Mark?

Oh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions.

Hey!

Who do you do?

Oh, well, I just love impressions.

Ah! Oh, I just love doing them. Ah!

Who do you do?

Maybe I just better sing.

Oh, boy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give my love for only you can end this

yearning. Okay.

Well, Mark, actually, we have enough singers on the show.

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

How about a dancing comedian?

Hit it, Fozzie. Yes, sir.

just to cross the toad with a saxophone?

He got a frog horn!

He looks sort of green.

Well, uh, I don't know exactly how to put this, Mark, but, uh, what else do

do?

I gargle Gershwin.

Mark, I know exactly how to put this. Get out! Out of the theater! We don't

you! Thank you very much! And don't call us! We'll call you!

I didn't get his autograph.

Unless you want to go through life as a rug.

Oh, boy.

Isn't that Luke Skywalker terrific?

Oh, this stage is empty.

My chance at last.

Hit it, boys.

Hey,

down in the meadow in the little bitty pool swam three little fishies and the

mama fishie too.

Swim, said the mama fishie. Swim if you can.

And they swam and...

Fishes didn't want to be bossed, so three little fishes went off on a spree

they swam and they swam right out to sea.

All of a sudden, they met a shark.

All of a sudden,

they saw a shark.

Cried the little fishies.

As quick as they could, they turned on their tails. And back to the pool in the

middle they swam. And they swam and they swam back over the dam.

Our own scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's

worked really hard on this.

And after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin gargling, anything should sound

good.

Anyhow, so let's give a big welcome to Scooter singing Six String Orchestra.

The

very

day I purchased it, I christened my guitar as my monophonic symphony,

Six String Orchestra.

In my room I practice late, they leave me alone.

My mother said you're nothing yet to make the folks right home.

And so I dream a bass will join me and fill the bottom in.

And maybe now some lead guitar so it would not sound so thin.

I need some drums to set the beat and help me keep in time. And way back

in the distance.

A horn would sound so fine.

And we'd all play together like fine musicians should.

And it would sound like music, and the music would sound good.

But in real life, I'm stuck with that same old formula.

Be at my monophonic symphony. Sick drink.

I'm taking guitar lessons, but my teacher just took leave.

It was something about a breakdown or needing a reprieve. I know I'll find

my future, so I will persevere and hold on to my dream of making music

to their ear.

And so I'll dream a bass will join me and fill the bottom end.

And maybe now some lead guitar so it would not sound so thin. I need some

to set the beat and help me keep in time.

And way back in the distance, some horns would sound so fine.

And we'd all play together like fine musicians should. And it would

sound like music.

And the music would sound good.

But in real life, I'm stuck.

Dancing on your love.

With my monophonic symphony.

Okay,

brah.

Someday I'm going to be a star.

Let's see. Next we have... Uncle Kermit! Uncle Kermit! Just one second, Robin.

One thing at a time. That's how I'm able to put on this show without falling

into a panic.

Next we have... Pigs in Space!

Pigs in Space next, please.

Now, what was it?

Well, I was trying to tell you the Star Wars people have hijacked the swine

track.

They've hijacked the swine track?

Well,

at least they didn't panic.

And now, Pigs in Space!

The last time we saw the spaceship Swine Trek, we hoped it would be the last

time. But it's back.

3PO, activate the navicomputer.

I'm not awfully keen on this spaceship, Master Luke. It's so messy.

cakes, half -eaten sandwiches.

Will you stop? You don't hear R2 complaining, do you?

Yes,

I do. He just said it's like a pig die.

Hey, what's going on here?

I'm Captain Link Hogthrob and this is my spaceship.

That explains everything.

Why don't you let me explain?

I'm Luke Skywalker.

My friends and I have just borrowed your spaceship so we can rescue our friend

Chewbacca the Wookie.

It's Luke Skywalker. Skywalker.

One of the heavenly bodies.

I'll change.

Now, is there anything else you'd like to know?

Yes, I have one very important question I'd like to ask you.

What's that?

Who's your tailor? I love that outfit.

Link! Link, what's happening?

I'll explain later. Right now I'm talking to Luke.

Luke? Now, perhaps if I give you my measurements.

MC3PO. And that is R2 -D2.

I'm Dr.

Strange Pork.

Oh, my. And I thought our names were weird.

Hey! Oh, boy! Hot diggity dog! Son of a gun!

Oh, boy! Oh, look at that! Hey, could I play with your toy robot?

He's not a toy robot. It's a scientifically programmed droid, and

play with. Oh, come on. Let me just push one button. Don't be disgusting.

Well, I did... Well,

you've got my jacket size.

Forty -four long.

And your head size.

Forty -two thick.

It

is

I, the princess.

Princess? Yes, yes, I have just escaped.

Well, the evil fiend must feed his prisoners well.

What?

Well, what I mean is it looks like you've put on... Look,

Skywalker. Go along with this or I'll cut you in half.

Look, it's the princess.

Doesn't look like a princess to me.

Watch it, hardware.

Master Luke, we're about to make a landing.

And look who's there.

Who?

Stay tuned for part two when the Swine Trek lands on Coosbane and we learn the

true identity of this arch -thief.

The world will never know!

Here's a bulletin from the Muppet Newsroom.

The spaceship Swine Trek is about to make a soft landing on a distant planet.

In other planetary news, Venus is about to make a hard landing on the Muppet

Newsroom.

That doesn't make sense.

When last we left our intrepid van, the spaceship Swine Trek was about to make a

soft landing.

You call that a soft landing?

I sprained my solenoids.

Well, you were in the driver's chair. You forgot to push the stoppy thing.

It's called a break, dummy.

Excuse me, Master Luke, but shouldn't we be looking for a safe refuge on this

planet? Exactly right, Threepio.

I know. We could hide in that cave over there.

Ah, a good plan.

It's, it's Darth Nader.

This is Darth Nader?

Yes, isn't he just a hickey?

Well, what do you want of us, Nader?

Well, why don't you say something?

Speak!

Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!

All right, Nader. Take this!

At last you know the awful truth.

This here, my dear friend, is a crypto -anagon transmitter.

It can totally neutralize any blaster.

This means we must resort to the ultimate weapon.

And hoity -toity, what pray tell might that be?

Chewbacca the Wookiee.

Yes! Yes!

Chewbacca the Wookiee!

The jig is up. Nothing can stop good old Chewie.

One thing can.

What's that?

Our weapon's useless, and now we're being tortured by gargling gershwins.

What could possibly get us out of this?

What else? A song and dance number!

You are my lucky star.

I saw you from afar.

You opened heaven...

That's the song part. Now comes the dance. Take it, Chewie and R2.

C -3PO, you're next.

That needs to be done. No, but this is our big ending.

Lucky I won sort of Fred Astaire film.

Okay, that was really wonderful. Okay, Luke, you're next.

Oh, not me. I'll go get my cousin.

Huh?

of their sea

Don't you think we ought to introduce my cousin?

Sure. You want to go out and send him in?

That won't be necessary. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Hamill.

Thanks for having us, Bernard.

That goes double.

It certainly does.

Say, Luke, who's your tailor? I love that outfit.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess that wraps it up. We'll see you next time on

The Muppet Show.

You think there's life in outer space?

There's certainly none in this theater.