Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

In this next episode of The Muppet Show, starring Kenny Rogers, Kermit takes a

beating all the way through the episode.

But maybe it's all worth it, because eventually

he ends up being treated by a witch doctor in a scene that grows into a

Muppet musical number.

called The Lime and the Coconut.

This episode also contains another great musical number. It's

a very straightforward and beautifully done version of Kenny Rogers' big hit

song, The Gambler.

Here's The Muppet Show starring Kenny Rogers.

Kenny Rogers, 15 seconds to curtain, Kenny. Hey, thanks, Scooter. While

here, I want to ask you something. I don't want to seem ungrateful. What is

of this junk in my dressing room? Well, you know my uncle owns this theater?

Yeah, so?

Well, he sold the mineral rights to your dressing room.

Before we start drilling, where should we park the camels?

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Kenny Rogers.

Why don't they make things funny?

It's time to get things started. What

were

you

expecting, Rachmaninoff?

Sure, everyone. Our very special guest star tonight is Mr. Kenny Rogers.

But first, let me explain why I am here to greet you.

how she gets me into these things.

Are you ready, Kermit? Yeah. Just don't push me hard.

What? Push me hard. Okay.

Kermit!

Kermit! Are you... Yeah, I think so. I'm just a little woozy, that's all. Oh,

Kermit! Close the curtains!

Yes! Wow!

What a terrific act! Do you want a partner?

him backstage.

Ah, don't worry. It's all part of the act.

Um, is there a doctor in the house?

Yes, I'm a doctor.

Oh, could you come up here, sir, please?

I'll be right up.

I told them to use a safety net, but what do I know? I'm only a bear.

Can I help you up, sir? Thank you.

See, are you a real doctor?

Of course I'm a real doctor.

You want to see my bank balance?

He's backstage.

He's just backstage.

Don't worry.

There'll be a slight delay.

Just talk amongst yourselves.

Poor little guy. Hope he's not hurt.

Well, at least he got the pig to stop singing.

Hey, Kermit, are they really drilling for oil in Kenny's dressing room?

Who cares?

My frog is hurt.

Hey, Kermit, anything I can do to help?

Oh, Kenny, listen, it's just a sprain, but could you send somebody on stage to

stall until we get the show going again? Yeah, sure. Zoom, do us a favor. Will

you run out and play something for the people?

Oh, yeah.

Kermit, I'll get you an ice pack. I'll be right back.

Come on, Zoom. Oh, thanks.

Get on stage.

My poor brave hero. Is the pain unbearable?

No, I'm just a little shaken up.

Give it to a straight duck.

How is he?

He'll soon be hopping around good as new.

Have you got that hospital bed over there?

Yeah, get that on stage right away.

I've got the perfect musical number that we can do next.

Why must you go on?

Because he's a star, and a star knows that the show must go on.

I knew that.

I just forgot for a minute.

Okay, Zoot, that's enough. Good.

Ladies.

And gentlemen, although our beloved Kermit has been seriously injured.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What seriously injured? I twisted a flipper. Go back to

that.

Although he has a severely twisted flipper, he is going to go on with the

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Here he is, our own Kermit the Frog.

A hospital bed. A hospital bed?

He

drank

them both up. He put the lime in the coconut.

He drank them both up. He put the lime in the coconut.

He drank them both up. He put the lime in the... He called the doctor, woke him

up and said, Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take? I said, Doctor, to relieve

this flipper ache? I said, Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take? I said,

Doctor, to relieve this flipper ache?

Now let me get this straight. You put the lime in the coconut.

You drank them both up. You put the lime in the coconut.

You drank them both up. You put the lime in the coconut.

You drank them both up. You put the lime in the coconut. You called your doctor,

woke him up, said, Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take? I said, Doctor.

To relieve the slippery, I said, Doctor, ain't there nothing I can think of? I

said, Doctor, to relieve the slippery, you put the lime and the coconut, you

drank them both together. Put the lime and the coconut, then you feel better.

Put the lime and the coconut, you drank them both up. Put the lime and the

coconut, and call me in the morning.

You put the lime in the coconut.

If you call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do.

Ever gone to a witch doctor?

They're all witch.

Ever heard of a poor doctor?

Hey, fellas, you know, I really don't mind your drilling for oil in my

room, but your camel just stepped on my guitar and broke it.

about the guitar. We will buy you a new one. I should hope so.

Excuse me. Oops.

Oh, hi, Scooter. Hi, Kenny. Oh, Kermit's still not feeling well.

Oh, that's too bad. Do not worry about the frog. We will buy you a new one.

Will you stop that?

Oh, it's all right, Kenny. We got him resting in a hospital bed.

That's great. You're not going to have to cancel the show, are you?

Oh, no, no, but we're going to have to delay your opening number. Oh, that's

fine. That's okay. Yeah, so just stay here and relax.

What? I said just stay here and relax.

What? I said stay here and relax.

I'll try.

What? I said I'll try.

What? I will try.

Don't worry, Muppet News Flash.

Muppet Labs has just announced that they are recalling their latest model

hospital bed used in the Lime and Coconut production number.

The beds were built on an assembly line formerly used for pop -up toasters.

You promised to be nice to Dada

Froggy.

Come here.

Slucky, I broke his fall with my desk.

I'm only just black and blue and green.

And call off this dog of yours, would you? Oh, Fufu loves that dog.

Yeah. Will you stop that?

Now listen, dog, I'm ticklish.

And I'm not that dog's dada.

My

Uncle

Kermit isn't quite himself today.

He sort of keeps falling down on the job.

So I thought I'd come out here as heir apparent.

Robin!

Just kidding, Uncle Kermit.

Anyway, I'm here to introduce tonight's guest star. I really love his singing,

and this is a really great song.

At least I think it is. I'm not old enough to understand it.

But here he is, Mr.

Kenny...

Train bound for nowhere.

Met up with a gambler. We were both too tired to sleep.

So we took turns staring out the window at the darkness.

The boredom overtook us.

He began to speak.

He said, Son, I've made my life out of reading people's faces.

Knowing what the cards were, by the way, they held their eyes.

So if you don't mind my saying, I can see you're out of aces.

For a taste of your whiskey, I'll give you some advice.

So I handed him my bottle.

Drank down my last swallow.

Then he bunged the cigarette.

Asked me for a light.

And the night got death quiet.

Face lost all expression.

If you're going to play the game, boy, you've got to learn to play it right.

You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know

when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count your money when you're sitting at the table.

There'll be time enough to count when the dealing's done.

Now every gambler knows the secret to surviving is knowing what

to throw away, knowing what to keep.

Cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser.

Best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

When you've finished speaking, turn back toward the window.

Crushed out his cigarette, faded off his plate. Then somewhere in the darkness,

the gambler he broke even.

But in his final words I found, and he said, I keep.

You got no wind to hold up, no wind to hold up, no

wind to walk away, no wind to run. You never count your money.

Sitting at the table, there'll be time enough for counting.

When the dealing's done, you got to know when to hold up. When to hold up. Know

when to fold up. When to fold.

Know when to walk away.

And know when to run.

That's right. You never count your money. No, sir.

Sitting at the table, there'll be time enough for counting.

When the deal is done. You got it. Know when to hold them.

Know when to fold them.

Know when to walk away.

Know when to run. Never count your money.

When you're sitting at the table.

There'll be time to never count.

When the deal is done.

I've just been to a ding -dong down dear old Rickston Way.

Oh, Mother Brown, the pearly queen's a hundred years today.

Oh, what a celebration was proper la -dee -da until they rolled the carpet up

and shouted, Now, Denmark!

Oh!

Here's a mother brown!

Here's a mother brown!

Knees up, knees up, don't get the breeze. Knees up on the ground.

Bill drove up on his barrow just like a proper swell.

And Mother Brown said, come inside and bring your milk as well.

It nibbled Granddad's whiskers, then started kicking out.

And as Mother Brown went through the window, we began to shout.

Knees up on the ground.

Knees up on the ground.

Under the day, boy, you must go.

P -I -E -I -E -I -O. If I get you tending, I'll sew your legs right on.

So knees up, knees up, don't be the breeze up. Knees up, mother proud.

Hey, last verse.

A cross stood round the window.

They had a lovely time.

The king sat on the railing, thought it was a pantomime. All went round, we

missed a twirl, collected one and three.

We shouted, come on, mother, show them your agility.

Knees up, mother, proud.

Knees up, mother, proud. Out of the label you must go. E -I -E -I -E -I -O.

If I catch you, baby, I'll saw your legs right off.

So knees up, knees up, don't give a breeze up. Knees up, mother, proud.

What a rotten song.

What a rotten song.

Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a

who's gone to the dogs.

Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient? We'll see for yourself, Dr.

Bob.

Oh, it's Kermit, my Kermy. All right, take it easy. I'm okay.

Quiet. This is a very dramatic moment.

Oh, Kermy, I shall nurse you back to health if it takes a lifetime.

What do you think's wrong with him, Dr. Bob?

Well, for one thing, he's been badly exposed to overacting.

Either that or overexposed to bad acting.

I am not acting. I love him.

Nurse Piggy, you cannot let your personal feelings affect your duty. You

nurse. I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.

Wrong. You're a pig first.

Nurse second.

I don't think woman made the top ten.

Dr. Bob!

Oh, he's all right, he's all right. It just looks like he was under heavy

sedation. Well, he was under heavy sedation. A 50 -pound box of sleeping

fell on his head.

It did not.

Well, I know, but it's my only joke.

Oh, my poor, poor Carmy.

Well,

he's still breathing, but I think his pulse is weak.

He must have. His pulse has stopped.

If anything happens to him, you will have me to account to.

Good. I was wondering who was going to pay his bill. And so we come to the end

of another veterinarian's hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Kermit say... Let me out of here. I want

get out of here. No, no, Kermit. No, no, don't. No.

Stay here where it's safe.

Did you see that?

Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.

It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show.

Hey, Kermit, are you okay?

I'm okay, Kenny. If I can survive that bit, I can survive anything.

Very durable frog.

Here's a Muppet newsflash.

The makers of the light fixture used in that last veterinarian's hospital have

announced that they are recalling all of their hospital lights. A spokesman for

the company said that all manufacturing of that particular light fixture has

been dropped.

They sell insurance for this show?

See, I don't have to lean on anybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Gonzo will now shoot himself heavenward in a

catapult and skywrite the Hallelujah Chorus.

Good grief.

We got to restore some order around here. Is Kenny Rogers back there?

Oh, Kenny.

Kermit, I honestly don't believe what's going on around here. Are you okay? Are

you hurt?

No, no, I'm fine, Kenny. I was just wondering if you could sing a song or

something not crazy. Yes, please.

Yeah, let me get my guitar. Can we get the curtains open here and I'll get my

guitar and stuff.

I can see where this place would need some calming down after all of that.

is a sing -along, and I want everybody to help us out with this. This is really

simple. You help me out, and I'll show you how it goes.

Love lifted me.

Now, they just don't come any simpler than that.

Love lifted me.

Sounds a lot like the first part.

When nothing else would do, you know.

See,

now this is really one of the more simple songs you'll ever hear in your

So there's no excuse for you not to help us out and sing it. So if everybody's

ready now, we'll take it and here we go.

I'll write myself a simple song.

Get the whole world to sing along.

Call it a love song for you.

Take a song from the Bible

Then when I'm done I'll

just sing love

Very special guest star for holding it all together, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Kenny Rogers.

Yeah!

Herman, I want to also say to you, this has not been all work for me, I want you

to know. I have thoroughly enjoyed it, for one thing. Secondly, I also made an

interesting trade for some gasoline.

Oh, yeah? Well, what did you offer in return?

I offered singing lessons.

What's the hard hat for?

I want to be ready in case they start throwing pigs at us again.