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Hi, I'm Brian Henson.
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You know, comedy is really difficult.
One thing that happens with comedy
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is that they are all really good at
coming up with beginnings.
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Really good setups, but they can't
figure out how to pay them off.
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00:00:21,550 --> 00:00:24,990
Hey, that's nice, but if you keep
applauding, you won't hear my monologue.
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00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:32,049
Okay, okay. Of course, that doesn't mean
I want you to sit on your hands.
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Don't worry, we won't. Good.
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Yeah, if we sit on our hands, we can't
throw things at you.
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00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,620
Well, now I'll share with you one of the
real secrets to the Muppets. What my
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00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:46,820
father figured out was, you know, if you
can't get out, you just either blow
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something up, or you eat something,
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or you just throw penguins in the air.
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And here it is, The Muppet Show.
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Pearl Bailey?
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Pearl Bailey? 15 seconds to curtain,
Miss Bailey.
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I'll be there, honey, as soon as
somebody calls off these oysters.
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Back, back, heel, heel.
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Oh, clam up.
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It's the Muppet Show with our very
special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey.
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It's time to put on makeup. It's time to
dress up right.
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It's time to get things started.
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Why don't you get things started?
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Everybody on stage.
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Everybody is on stage.
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It's time to get things started on the
most sensational, inspirational,
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salarational, mouth -to -tational. This
is Black Week.
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to tell you what a kick I get when I
think of all of you out there watching
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You know, it sends a chill right up my
spine.
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Woo!
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There it was right there. Matter of
fact, here comes another one.
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Woo!
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That one is for our very special guest
star. She is one of the most wonderful
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stars of the whole entertainment world,
and she told me just before the show
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that her papa was a preacher, which is a
wonderful reason for doing the
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following number. Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Pearl Bailey!
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My soul is a witness, yes it is,
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yes it is.
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My soul is a witness, yes it is,
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yes it is.
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Yes, it is. Someone needs to
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hear God's love is always near.
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And my life is a testimony.
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Yes, it is.
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Yes, it is.
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the avocado.
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Well, what'd you think?
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Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.
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That's amazing.
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No, it's not. He's been a Pearl Bailey
fan for years.
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Okay, nice number, nice number.
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Get on stage, Bunsen.
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Oh, wow, Kermit, like I really don't
believe this weird trip you're putting
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on. Oh, what's that, Janice? Oh, the
band and I just flashed on the closing
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number. The band just flashed?
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00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,160
Kermit, sometimes I just don't know what
space you're coming from.
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00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,920
Well, it's just sort of a regular
backstage space.
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Really, Kermit, you don't expect us to
do the jousting number from Camelot?
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Well, any word, yes.
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Ew.
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Kermit, Floyd has something to say on
that. Honey, you tell him.
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Oh, my little green friend, you have
much indeed to learn about...
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Today's slang.
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How do you mean, Floyd?
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Well, when I said I wanted to get into
something heavy for the final number,
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Knight of the Iron wasn't it.
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Fractured flipper.
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Tinker, tinker, fiddle.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made today.
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Well, I've got some news here to tickle
your fancy, because here they are,
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friends. The answer to your prayers,
Muppet's all -new edible paperclips.
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Now, the honor of tasting this first
batch of delicious paperclips goes, of
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course, to my helpful and eager
assistant, Beaker.
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Beaker, what is the matter?
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Oh. That's very naughty, Beaker. Now,
you eat these clips this minute. Go on,
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eat.
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Not so bad. Go ahead.
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Mm -hmm.
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Yes.
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Yes, friends, Muppet's edible paper
clips are delicious, nutritious, and
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-plated. They're handy around the
office, and they're wonderful as a TV
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Furthermore, they are absolutely
harmless.
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Or nearly so.
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Poor fellow, lost his nose.
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How will he smell without it? Same as
always, terrible.
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Doctor, is Beaker all right?
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Oh, he'll be fine. I'll just go and vent
some nose glue.
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Come on, Beaker.
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Yeah, yeah, but hey, I'm talking about
serious, Kermit. I mean, why cast me?
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This night business is an actor's gig.
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I am a musician, remember?
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Yeah, well, Floyd, I wanted you to play
the night because you fit the part. You
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see, you're the only one of us with real
gallantry. The only one of us with real
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honor. The only one of us who'd fit in
that iron suit.
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00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,340
Scooter, I need a broken leg.
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Oh, you need a broken leg? I'll fall on
you again. No, no, no, no.
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Now, listen, this is a great chance for
you. Besides, in the same jousting
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scene, you get to fight the Black
Knight.
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Who is the Black Knight? Well, that's
part of the fun. You see, no one will
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know. It's kept a complete and absolute
mystery.
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The world will forever wonder who I am.
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Though some may harbor suspicions.
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at the Smithfield Hat Factory, reports
say that hats are falling all over the
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place.
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Listen, Floyd, I sure am glad you got
out of that iron suit, man. Oh, yeah,
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was a stone drag. Oh, it had to be, but
I'm telling you, you're looking good now
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with the purple thread.
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00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:09,980
Yeah, my main squeeze, give me this. Oh,
you are clever.
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00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:13,720
Listen, come here a minute. I want to
ask you a question.
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The rest of the musicians, do they know
you in here?
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No. Well, crazy. Listen, what if you and
me, or you and I, either one,
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what if we did a little number together?
And then if we went over, who knows, we
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could take over the whole thing.
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Pardon me?
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Nothing would please me more. I thought
it would.
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Well, you jump right into it, man.
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Let me jump in there with you. In the
good old summertime.
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All right. In the good old summertime.
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Strolling down that shady lane with my
baby man. All right. Listen,
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I'll take his hand. Then he'll take
mine. Good start.
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That's a good, good sign.
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Yeah. Then naturally I will be his
tootsie. What's in the good old
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with my baby my darling you are growing
old now
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hold that baby just kidding i will be to
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see what's in the good old so come on
let's go together
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Summertime.
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Summertime. In the good old summertime.
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Let me tell you something.
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Strolling down the shady lane.
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Walking, talking, moving, grooving.
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I'm going to take his hand.
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He'll take mine. Watch it, honey. Let me
get this whole thing together.
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I will be the tootsie -wootsie in the
good old summertime.
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In the good old summertime. I'll be your
tootsie -wootsie in the good old
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summertime.
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That is life for me.
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A high silk hat and a silver cane. A
watch of gold and a diamond chain.
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Hi, diddle -de -doo.
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You sleep till after two.
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You prom and nod with a big cigar. You
tour the world in a private car. You
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on chicken and caviar. An actor's life
for me.
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Okay, what happens now?
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Oh, now comes the funny part.
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00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:56,550
Well, leaving the stage is funnier than
a lot of things the bear does.
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Okay, now ask me what I'm carrying the
fish for.
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00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:03,550
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the
fish for?
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00:13:03,830 --> 00:13:05,650
Oh, just for the halibut.
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00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:09,590
You were better off leaving the stage.
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Ah!
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Hi, diddle -dee -dee, an actor's life
for me.
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A high silk hat and a silver cane, a
watch of gold with a diamond chain.
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00:13:20,810 --> 00:13:23,970
Hi, diddle -dee -doo, you sleep till
after two.
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00:13:24,550 --> 00:13:26,930
Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
153
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,390
No, it doesn't. It needs scenery!
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00:13:30,630 --> 00:13:32,290
Oh, wonderful scenery.
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But is it funny?
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Okay, now ask me what I'm carrying the
hoop for. Oh, Fozzie, what are you
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carrying the hoop for?
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00:13:40,550 --> 00:13:44,450
Ah, because Batman and Waldorf are
always saying the show is hoopless.
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Just for the hell of it. Keep crying.
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00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:55,680
Hi -diddly -dee -dee, an actor's life
for me. A high silk hat and a silver
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a watch of gold with a diamond chain.
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00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,080
Hi -diddly -doo, you sleep till after
two.
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00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:06,320
You promenade with a big cigar, you tour
the world in a private car. You dine on
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00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,940
chicken and caviar, an actor's life for
me.
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00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,800
An actor's life for me.
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00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,760
When we last left the swine track, it
was hopelessly lost in outer space.
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00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:41,020
If the timeless endlessness of eternal
space is about that big,
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00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:47,040
then our spaceship is down here,
possibly.
169
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,260
Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner
there?
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That's a ducky.
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00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:57,540
We need to go in this direction up here.
172
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:02,220
Or possibly over... Oh, no, no, no, no!
173
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:08,080
Oh, we're lost. Lost in space. Why won't
he admit it? Well, just give me time.
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00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,700
I got lost once before and I found my
way out.
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00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:14,060
Lost in the outer galaxies, Link?
176
00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:15,960
No, in a phone booth.
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00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,020
This pencil is delicious.
178
00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:25,680
There's no time for that now. We must
either find out our position or we will
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00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:26,680
perish.
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00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:28,680
Which is it to be, Link?
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00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:30,520
Prunes.
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00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:33,580
Prunes?
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00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:35,560
Prunes was not a choice.
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00:15:36,420 --> 00:15:38,800
This is a pencil -shaped prune.
185
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:46,700
Wait. I see by the readout here that we
are passing through a field of deadly
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00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:47,700
snack -a -waves.
187
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,560
Snack -a -waves?
188
00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:53,700
Yeah, yeah. At this very moment...
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00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,320
everything aboard the ship into food.
190
00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,960
My prune pencil.
191
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:02,620
Ridiculous.
192
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:11,680
Including this readout, which is now a
frozen chicken dinner for two.
193
00:16:12,780 --> 00:16:14,560
Oh, that's delicious.
194
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:19,480
What happened?
195
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,320
What does it look like?
196
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,260
Chocolate layer cake.
197
00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:26,660
Dessert.
198
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,140
Dessert? Don't you dare, dessert.
199
00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:30,860
Look
200
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:39,400
at
201
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:40,400
old Cabbage Head.
202
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,500
It's a cauliflower.
203
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:46,220
Listen.
204
00:16:47,260 --> 00:16:49,980
The crew have started to eat the ship.
205
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,580
I find that a bit hard to swallow.
206
00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:57,770
The crew is eating the ship. Are you
going bananas?
207
00:16:58,410 --> 00:16:59,410
No.
208
00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:03,550
Scallions.
209
00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:07,609
Oh, what are we going to do with the
Huffington spacecraft?
210
00:17:08,130 --> 00:17:10,030
Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow?
211
00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:17,310
Be sure to tune in next week for Pigs on
Toes.
212
00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:23,930
Okay, staging, you can strike that
spaceship.
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00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:32,870
You're skating on thin ice, Frog.
214
00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:35,690
Makeup! Makeup!
215
00:17:37,410 --> 00:17:39,750
Boy, oh boy, Chief, are we in trouble.
216
00:17:40,090 --> 00:17:43,310
Well, what now? Well, you know how
you're planning to do the jousting scene
217
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:45,870
Camelot? Of course. That's the show's
big finale.
218
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:51,490
Well, the people that published the
music from Camelot just called. They
219
00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:52,490
let you do it.
220
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,250
What? I was willing to give them credit.
221
00:17:55,470 --> 00:17:59,150
I would have given them a big buildup. I
would have given anything to do the
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00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:00,150
jousting scene.
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00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:01,620
They want money.
224
00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:04,520
I cancel the jousting scene.
225
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:10,600
Gee whiz, Chief. I thought you said we
had $14 .95 in the cash box. Yeah, well,
226
00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:12,380
I spent $13 .50 on the suits of armor.
227
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,240
What are we going to do?
228
00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:15,740
What can we do?
229
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,620
There's only one thing to do.
230
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:18,579
What's that?
231
00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:19,580
Whatever comes next.
232
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,510
real professor?
233
00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:34,490
Of course. I hold the chair of
philosophy.
234
00:18:34,850 --> 00:18:35,970
Oh, where's that?
235
00:18:36,350 --> 00:18:37,350
Right here.
236
00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:42,190
You seem to have a lot on your mind.
237
00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:45,470
Oh, yeah. I've got a wife and child to
support.
238
00:18:49,190 --> 00:18:51,510
Say, are we poisonous?
239
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:53,250
I don't know. Why?
240
00:18:54,030 --> 00:18:57,430
Oh, nothing really. I just bit my
tongue.
241
00:19:02,030 --> 00:19:04,190
Oh, wow. They're not too light on their
feet.
242
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:07,450
Ow! Not too light on mine, either.
243
00:19:10,630 --> 00:19:12,010
Terrific, terrific, wonderful.
244
00:19:12,910 --> 00:19:16,490
Say, is your friend the avocado here
some kind of professional critic?
245
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,130
Nah, he's just unemployed.
246
00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:21,310
You should go to work. Try to make
something of yourself.
247
00:19:21,610 --> 00:19:22,610
Like what?
248
00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:23,790
Guacamole.
249
00:19:25,950 --> 00:19:26,950
Men,
250
00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:29,430
this is a command decision.
251
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,660
We're going to have to cancel the joust.
Do it! What?
252
00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:36,660
It'll be fun. It'll be snazzy. It'll be
dumb.
253
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:37,839
No, really.
254
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,880
Hey, no, dig on it. For once, old green
stuff speaketh the truth.
255
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,160
No, come on.
256
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:48,220
Come on. I am sorry to have to do this,
but my career is at stake. Now you move.
257
00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:52,120
Yes, yes, move. I'll take that. Move,
come on. Yes, move.
258
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:59,080
Hey, tell me, just between the two of
us, do you really think this will work?
259
00:19:59,420 --> 00:20:00,940
No! Isn't it terrific?
260
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:06,980
Come on, just introduce us, okay? Okay,
okay, okay.
261
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:12,060
Ladies and gentlemen, we were planning
to do the jousting scene from Camelot,
262
00:20:12,060 --> 00:20:14,380
but I do think we should cancel this.
263
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,420
There's been a very pointed argument
against canceling.
264
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,460
All right, good work, Gonzo!
265
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,160
Now, wish us luck, folks, because here
is our special guest star, Miss Pearl
266
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,340
Bailey and the Muppet players in what
almost might sort of, kind of like be
267
00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:32,200
considered the jousting scene from
Camelot.
268
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,980
Every duke and earl and peer is here.
269
00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:50,180
Everyone who should be here is here.
270
00:20:50,890 --> 00:20:57,350
a smashing, positively dashing spectacle
we're here to see today.
271
00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:04,790
And now, may I present Her Royal
Majesty, Queen Guinevere, who will
272
00:21:04,790 --> 00:21:07,010
officially to our annual joust.
273
00:21:12,030 --> 00:21:14,290
Hello, fellas.
274
00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:17,090
Well, hello, fellas.
275
00:21:17,390 --> 00:21:18,530
It's so nice
276
00:21:23,590 --> 00:21:24,590
and swell.
277
00:21:25,090 --> 00:21:27,030
Fellas, I can tell.
278
00:21:27,970 --> 00:21:29,390
Fellas, you're still
279
00:22:13,770 --> 00:22:16,110
introduce the contestants for this
year's Joust.
280
00:22:18,510 --> 00:22:23,330
I got the horse right here. His name is
Paul Revere. And here's a guy who says
281
00:22:23,330 --> 00:22:27,050
if the weather's clear, can do, can do.
282
00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:29,990
This guy says the horse can do.
283
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:35,950
I got a horse right here. Belongs to
Gwen Revere. And I say this horse can
284
00:22:36,130 --> 00:22:38,850
can do, can do.
285
00:22:39,930 --> 00:22:42,510
Anything you can do, I can do better.
286
00:22:43,050 --> 00:22:47,550
I can do anything better than you. No,
you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't.
287
00:22:47,550 --> 00:22:50,430
Yes, I can. No, he can't. Yes, he can.
Yes, he can.
288
00:22:51,310 --> 00:22:56,790
Anything you can be, I can be greater. I
can be anything greater than you. No,
289
00:22:56,830 --> 00:23:00,890
you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can. No, he can't. Yes, he can.
290
00:23:00,910 --> 00:23:01,910
Yes, he can.
291
00:23:06,130 --> 00:23:08,910
A boy like that could kill your brother.
292
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,740
This don't make any sense at all.
293
00:23:24,140 --> 00:23:26,220
Well, I know, Pearl, but we're stuck
with it.
294
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:28,960
Let the joust begin!
295
00:26:17,900 --> 00:26:20,240
I didn't like it. What do you avocados
think?
296
00:26:20,460 --> 00:26:21,460
It's the pits.
23853
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