Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars Rudolf Nureyev. Don't you talk to

strangers?

Depends on how strange the stranger is.

Nureyev is one of the 20th century's greatest ballet dancers, and perhaps the

last person you'd expect to find on The Muppet Show.

They contacted Nureyev to find out what he wanted to do with The Muppets, and he

said, I'd love to dance with Miss Piggy.

Well, of course, with Miss Piggy, it's kind of hard to do a ballet sequence

because she's generally only seen from the waist up. So what they did was they

built this crazy, big, kind of goofy pig costume to dance with Nureyev.

The dance floor was a little slick, and Nureyev actually taught us a little

trick. He said, you mop the floors with Coca -Cola.

So as you watch this episode, check out the sticky floors and the extra large

pig on The Muppet Show.

Rudolph Nureyev?

Rudolph Nureyev?

Fifteen seconds, Mr.

Nureyev.

Uh -huh. I knew he was too smart to show up.

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr.

Rudolph Nureyev.

It's time to get things started on the most

sensational, inspirational, celebrational moment.

I don't mind that so much, but me and Robin are mad we have to wear these

clothes. You and Robin? Where's Robin?

Oh, right here.

The only hat I could find.

Attention!

Beg pardon?

Line up for inspection.

Inspection? Yes, we must look proper for Mr. Nureyev. At last, to have a man of

dignity, a man of culture on this weird, sick program.

Would you wash your flippers?

Yes, sir.

Let's have a look.

Will you please get off the floor?

Will you comb your hair and polish those shoes? Yes, sir, yes, sir.

And one more thing.

Your hat's too big.

Sam, can I introduce the show now? Of course, yes, but just do it with

Yes, yes.

To have the brilliant, talented Rudolf Nureyev on our show.

He's my favorite opera singer.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi there, and welcome to the Muppet Show.

call that dignity?

I'm sorry, Sam.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor to welcome you to the Muppet Show.

Tonight's guest star is one of the world's great masters of ballet, Mr.

Nureyev.

Are you sure it's ballet, not opera?

Positive.

Six of one, half dozen the other. Culture is culture.

But here to get things started is Dr.

Teeth and the electrician. What, Dr.

Teeth?

Sam, I know I promised you a very cultural show, but don't worry. You see,

they're playing a minuet, and they have promised to be very classy.

May I have that in writing?

Hey, what's this bummer called again?

When you went to G -Major.

They ought to send it back to the miners.

Yeah, if I knew we were going to do this, I'd have just stayed home and sent

my suit.

The animal's not going to make it, man.

get, the more I appreciate good music. Yeah, what's it got to do with what we

just heard?

Nothing. Just thought I'd mention it.

Not very cultural, guys.

Not very cultural. That was awful.

Mr. Nureyev must be shocked.

Well, I doubt it.

Well, of course he is. He is sensitive.

He is creative. He is artistic.

He is not here.

He just phoned in. He's running a little bit late.

Oh, thank goodness.

Now, remember, when Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified. We must be

respected.

I'm here.

Not for long, you are not. We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev.

I'll handle this. Get out of here, you freak. You hit me. You weirdo gal.

punk kids think they are.

That one thinks he's Rudolf Nureyev.

What? In fact, I was Rudolf Nureyev.

What have I done?

I think I'll go out and introduce something cultural.

Now, in keeping with our tone of culture and classicism,

kill time while we see if we still have a guest star, we proudly present the

love duet from the third act of The Barber of Der Flatermus by Giuseppe

Or Giuseppe Wagner.

Whatever.

see that.

You know, there's nothing like grand opera.

Yep, and that was nothing like it.

Mr.

Lorena, will you ever forgive me?

He forgives you, Sam.

What? I just talked to him. He isn't angry. He's putting on his costume for

big ballet number.

Oh, bless you, Frog.

Oh, thank you for these glad tidings. And what ballet, may I ask?

is the incomparable Mr. Nureyev going to perform?

Uh, Swine Lake.

Culture. Yes, culture.

Dignity at last. Cl... Swine Lake?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, in the classic ballet Swine Lake, a beautiful princess

has been turned into a pig by the wicked magician Trichinosis.

Uh, unfortunately, the handsome prince... There's a handsome prince in

too. The handsome prince hasn't heard about the change.

Here, then, the very princely Mr. Rudolph Nerea.

I've got two wheels on my tricycle and four toes on each foot. I've got six

in my week and up with this I will not put. I'm a bath without a plug and I'm a

handle with no jug.

I'm a kiss without a hug unless you're near me.

I've got three strings on my violin and I'm an only twin.

Something's missing, something's missing, something's...

Well, my cat has only got eight lives. He chases two blind mice. On my

when I get three cheers, they only cheer me twice.

I'm an oil well with no oil, and I'm a plant that has no soil. I'm a kettle

won't boil unless you're near me.

Two and two make three when I add. You're an orphan, says my dad.

Something's missing, something's missing, something's...

But whenever you come close to me, my life is all complete.

For no longer do I have four toes, no longer two left feet. I'm a playground

full of swings and I'm an eagle with his wings. I'm a nightingale that sings

because you're near.

And now, Veterinarians Hospital.

On this special episode, our quack who has gone to the dog. will pay tribute to

William Shakespeare.

Prithee, nurse, who beeth our next patient?

Why, this little piglet, sire.

Not piglet, hamlet.

Remember, we're doing Shakespeare here.

Sounds more like bacon.

Say, this patient needs a transfusion. What's his blood type?

Well, I think it's 2B, but I'm not sure.

Well, make up your mind. 2B.

this patient's heart.

Zounds. Zounds what?

Zounds terrible.

Hey, the frog wanted Shakespeare. He's getting Shakespeare.

But you're a doctor first.

Right. Doctor first, Richard the second, Henry the fourth.

Me thinks we should take our leave.

Why?

if the shrew fits. So we leave veterinarian's hospital on Avon. Tune in

week when you'll hear Dr.

Bob say, Alas, poor pork!

Is there something wrong with it?

Wrong? Why, it's... Oh,

at last, a mature and passionate love duet between me and my Kermit.

Well, you're not doing it with me.

What? No, you're going to do it with Rudolph and Araya.

the next introduction he's trying to get

Depends on how strange the stranger is.

What a wonderful sense of humor you have. And you have a marvelous mind.

And the other parts ain't bad either.

Just think of it.

Last week I've been dancing with Natalia Makarova.

And today I'm in a steam room with a lady pig.

Oh, yes.

But isn't it heaven?

I don't think heaven is this one.

It's more like the other place.

i really can't stay cold outside i've got to go away it's

cold outside this evening

Well, maybe just a little while more.

Implant.

this show he'll

Forgot you can, the library.

Keep playing.

Sounds terrific.

Thank you.

Got a match?

Match. Match for the... Okay.

I think it's all taken care of.

You're going to have a beautiful candle to play with.

Give it time.

Don't go!

Rudolph, I want to tell you how delighted we are to have you on our show

tonight. I'm having a great time.

I'm afraid your friend the eagle isn't too pleased.

Oh, that's just Sam. Don't worry about him.

Mr. Nerea, may I have your attention?

Yes.

Well, maybe I'm not too sure.

I just want to apologize for the disgusting things the frog has forced

on this show.

The frog did not force him.

The frog didn't force me.

What? No, I wanted to do that.

And it was fun.

I can't believe that I'm speaking to the real Rudolf Nureyev.

Does that mean you're going to throw me out again?

No, no, no, no, of course not, no.

There's one more number I would like to do.

Aha, I should have known. The first two for the lowbrow element, but for your

finale, a brilliant interpretation of classic ballet.

Exactly.

Is that a ballet?

costume. Trust me, Sam. You see?

I am putting on my top hat.

Tying up my white tie.

Brushing off my chain.

I am putting up my shirt.

Putting in my shirt.

Polishing my name.

He's stepping out.

simply rich with class.

And we trust you will excuse his dust when he steps on that gas.

So I'll be there, putting on my top hat, tying up my

white tie, dancing in my tail.

For I'll be there,

voting on my top hand,

tying up my wife's tie, dancing in my bed.

Mr.

Nureyev, I just want you to know that I am sorry.

You are sorry you threw me out?

No, I'm sorry I ever let you back in.

this has been shocking oh cool it baldy okay we'll see you all next time

on the muppet show

Wasn't that a cultural show?