Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

Everyone remembers a read -through for this particular episode of The Muppet

Show. Edgar Bergen entered carrying a little black suitcase, and every person

the room knew what was in that suitcase, Charlie McCarthy.

Yeah, you know, I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.

Sometimes I have dinner with frogs, though. Oh, well, that's nice. Yes,

delicious. Charlie was a legendary character, on stage and on radio and

TV. Frankly, he was like a puppet hero to the Muppets.

For you real Muppet fans, this is the episode where Fozzie tries to be a

ventriloquist.

And Gonzo wrestles a brick.

Here it is, The Muppet Show with Edgar Bergen.

Edgar Bergen! 25 seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen!

Oh, thank you.

Did you hear that, Charlie?

I just can't believe my eyes.

Did he go yet? Yes, he just stuck his head in the door and left.

I don't mean him. I mean him.

I just can't believe my eyes.

A stick of wood that talks.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr.

Ed...

This week, they'll be funny. Want to bet? It's time to get things started on

most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, computational, this is

call...

Thank

you, thank you, thank you. Hello there, and welcome again to the Muppet Show. We

have two very special guests tonight, Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie

We're also going to try to coax Mortimer Snurd into making an appearance. You

see, Mortimer is a shy country boy.

Hey, Mortimer, this opening number should make you feel right at home.

Ready, girls?

Because the alligators were sick.

That makes sense.

Yeah, okay, okay, yeah. Well, I see what you mean about the dressing room.

I'll see what I can do about having a coop built for you out back, okay?

Okay, okay, sure, right.

You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough

union.

Call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.

Charlie, now, Kermit is supposed to be here. Yeah? Yes, and besides, don't you

know the difference between a frog and a toad? I guess not, no.

Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair, and charming, while toads are

and give you warts. I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.

Kermit, I do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying.

Yeah. I can be difficult without trying. Yeah, I know you can.

I don't mind, Edgar, because I always expect wisecracks from Charlie. It's

good to have you here.

Well, see, I'm sorry. I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.

Charlie, please.

Yeah, all right.

Sometimes I have dinner with frogs, though. Oh, well, that's nice. Yes,

delicious.

No, that's not nice. Well, make up your mind.

I once tried to raise some frogs, see?

I'm not sure I want to hear this. Well, you'll get it anyway. I was going to

teach them to jump forwards and backwards, and that way they'd have hind

both ends, see?

And I'd have to jump on everybody.

You don't know what you're saying. Yes, I do, Bergen.

I can read your lips. Oh, that learns him up.

Hey, listen, Charlie, it's really great to have you here. Just try to relax.

Relax and act natural. Well, I am acting natural.

Really? You look a little wooden to me.

If you're going to do jokes like that, Bergen and I will be right at home. Yes,

we will. Well, that's what we want. Relax, yes.

No, song cues.

Consider yourself at home.

Consider yourself one of the family.

No, thank you. We've taken to you.

Consider yourself part of the furniture, not me.

keeps the hatchet away.

Here's the bacon to go with the eggs.

This isn't a television show. This is a zoo.

situation developed today when the muppet news reporter accidentally went

camera forgetting to put on his pants oh

good grief and now in a feat of

grand daring never before seen on this planet the great gonzo will attempt to

wrestle a six pound red brick while completely blindfolded

Kermit, where's the glue?

Uh, well, it's in the office.

Where's Piggy? Oh, also, I need some string and some paint, and do you have

black cloth?

Uh, Fozzie, I'm trying to run a show around here. Oh, I know, Kermit, but you

see, I'm on in a few minutes, and my act's not ready.

Uh, well, what act is that, Fozzie? Oh, well, you know how Edgar Bergen gets

screams of laughter just by talking with Charlie McCarthy?

Uh, yeah, I saw.

I'm dead tonight.

Here he goes, the dummy and his dummy.

And now, H in Space!

Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob, the flammable first mate, Miss

Piggy, and the inexplicable Doctor Strange.

As we left our heroes last time The spaceship Swine Trek was on the verge of

hideous catastrophe.

Dr. Strangeborg, who can save us from this hideous catastrophe?

Captain, according to my records, the only person who's had the necessary

training to save us is...

Miss Piggy, you and you alone can operate the independent heating slash

element across the horizontal equalizing plane and save the entire crew of the

swan track.

Oh, I am ready, my captain.

Excellent. Bring in the equipment for Miss Piggy.

What is this?

Well, surely you recognize the independent heating slash unifying

the horizontal equalizing planes.

You want me to do the laundry?

Of course. Nobody on the crew has had clean laundry for a week.

That is correct.

We're all living like pigs.

An astute observation, Doctor.

Hey, what say? You want to play a little touch football? Toss the old pigskin

around? Right behind you, Captain.

Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy. A little less starch in the pajamas, okay?

episode of ever

since

songwriters started writing songs they have written songs about the rose red

roses blue roses old roses new roses roses from the north and south and

west bye

Show me a rose and I'll show you a girl who cares.

Show me a rose or leave me alone.

Show me a rose and I'll show you a storm at sea.

Show me a rose or leave me alone.

She taught me how to do the tango.

Down where the palm trees sway, I called her Rosamia.

And she called a spade a spade.

Show me a rose and I'll show you a stag at bay.

Show me a rose or leave me alone.

One night in Bixby, Mississippi, we watched the clouds. rolled by

I said my dear how are you and she whispered so

am I show me a rose and I'll show you a girl named Sam

Well, of course you can, Fozzie. Oh, good.

And it's good to see you again.

You know Mortimer's nerd, of course.

Oh, well, of course. I recognize this charming, handsome -looking gentleman.

No.

This is a dark new thing.

Well,

now, Mortimer, you know who he is, surely. Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.

No, my name is Fozzie.

Yeah, that's right. Shirley Fozzie.

Now, listen, Mr. Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.

Well, say, maybe I'm not here.

What? Was I here yesterday?

No. Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel too much.

Listen, Mr.

Bergen... Am I supposed to be here?

Well, of course.

You'll have to excuse, Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.

Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.

Wait, wait. What do you mean, Mortimer? Well, if I were faster, I'd be here by

now. Listen, Mortimer, take my word for it. You are here. Well, thank goodness.

Are you through? No, I'm here. Yeah, all right.

Mortimer, haven't you any brains at all?

Well, well.

Not with me, no.

I'll ignore that.

Fozzie, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see, my spot in the show is on in just a minute, and

decided to go out and do an act like yours.

Oh, well, our act is easy. I sit on the stage and talk, and Bergen stands next

to me and moves his lips.

One more thing.

You must have comedy. You must have good jokes.

Jokes? Yeah.

Speaking of jokes, there's a funny story going around.

Mortimer, what's the story going around?

Well, I don't know. It hasn't gotten around to me yet.

Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid.

Yeah, yeah. But I've made a success of it.

Excuse me, Mortimer. Fawzi, you're on.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm on.

Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer. Good luck, good luck. Yeah, good luck.

Oh,

that surely is a nice fella.

Okay,

well, once again, it's time for everyone's semi -favorite funny man, or

semi -funny man, or whatever.

Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight, so summon your courage and

welcome, if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's Fozzie and Chucky time.

Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night?

Baby, I saw you with last night.

Hey,

Chucky.

Moving right along.

Chucky, why do firemen wear red suspenders?

Okay, Chucky, listen.

Why does a chicken cross the road?

about ventriloquism that I think you should know. What?

Well, you see, Fonzie, listen, Fonzie, it's the ventriloquist who actually does

the work. He does it.

Yes. Really?

I'm moving.

Nope. Okay, okay, I got it now.

spent the night alone.

If I could save time in a bottle,

the first thing

Till eternity passes away just to spend them with you.

If I could make days last forever, if words

could make wishes come true,

I'd save every day like a treasure.

never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find

them.

I've looked around enough to know you're the one I want to go through time with.

If I had a box just for wishes and dreams

that had never come true, the box would be empty

except for the memory of how they were answered by you.

But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you

find them.

I looked around enough to know that you're the one I want to go through time

with.

If I could save time in a bottle.

Bergen is a performer who means something very special to all of us on

Muppet Show. So it's really a thrill for me to say once again, here is Edgar

Bergen and everybody's friend, Charlie McCarthy.

Well, Charlie, are you enjoying yourself on The Muppet Show?

Yes, Bergen, I'm enjoying myself, yes. Well, that's nice.

Yes, I have to enjoy myself.

There's nothing else to enjoy on the show.

What? They're a bunch of weirdos. Oh, no.

That's not nice to say that. Yeah. Why, there's some wonderful folks on this

show. Yeah, yes.

Well, like Fozzie. Well, he's a bear. Yes.

Pure and simple.

Charlie. Accent on simple.

No, you know, I think he's very nice. He's so cute and cuddly. Yeah. You know

what he reminds me of?

No, what is it?

You know, the floor in my den, it needs a rug. It needs a rug. That's enough of

that, Charlie. I don't want to hear any more about Fozzie. Good.

I'll talk about the frog. No, no, no.

No, you won't. He is our host, Kermit is. Yeah, that's right. You know what we

used to do with frogs in biology class?

I don't want to hear about that. No.

I'm surprised to hear you talking that way.

What's the matter with you, Charlie?

Well, if you must know, I'm, uh... I'm lonesome. Oh, you're lonesome? Yeah. Oh,

I should have guessed that, sure. You missed the companionship of a beautiful,

gorgeous female.

Yeah, yeah. Did someone call me?

Don't look down, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.

Did you say something?

Yeah, well, I was talking to Bergen.

He was just saying that he wanted to meet you.

Uh -huh. Didn't sound that way to me.

Well, me neither, and I said it.

For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.

You're in love with a frog?

What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?

You know what we used to do with frogs?

No, you know what we used to do with wood?

No, I...

say goodbye. Let's bring out our special guests one more time.

I'm not going out there if that pig is still there.

Don't be silly, Charlie. Mr.

Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy.

Is that pig gone?

No, there's nobody out here but us frogs.

Oh, just frogs.

Did I ever tell you what we did with frogs in biology class?

He shouldn't have jumped. The show's not that bad.