Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This next episode of The Muppet Show stars Madeline Kahn.

This is Eric the yodeling clam.

Oh, well, if you're busy, I'll... No, no, no, no. Eric, take five.

This show also features two timeless Muppet favorites, Happy Feet, which is a

classic tap dance number that Kermit does.

If you watch closely, you never actually see his feet. You don't ever see his

legs or his feet, which is the most ridiculous way to approach a tap dance

number. But it's a great piece.

The other piece that's become a huge hit is a piece where the Swedish chef is

trying to cook a lobster, and then these bandito lobsters come and save the

lobster that the chef is trying to cook.

Here it is.

Madeline Kahn and the Muppet Show.

Madeline Kahn! Oh, Madeline Kahn, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Kahn. Oh, thank

you, Scooter.

I won't let you do it. Do you hear me? I won't let an artist of your beauty and

integrity go up there and work on this weird, sick show.

You're on.

meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started. This helps, but I can still hear them. It's

time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call

the Muppet Show, where our very special guest star is the talented star of film

and television, Miss Madeline Kahn.

But first, first, many of you people have been writing in to ask the

can the frog tap dance?

And of course, the answer to that is, hit it.

Happy feet.

I've got those happy feet.

Give them a low down beat.

And they begin dancing.

I've got those ten little tapping toes.

And when they hear a tune, I can't control my dancing heels to save my

Weary blues can't get into my shoes because my shoes refuse to ever grow

weary.

I keep cheerful on an earful of music sweet because I've got hap -hap -happy

feet.

We can't get into our shoes, because our shoes refuse to ever go weary.

We'd be cheerful on an earful of music sweet, cause we've got happy, happy

feet.

Cause we've got happy, happy feet.

I was just rehearsing a rather sensational new act I'm doing. This is

Yodeling Clam. Oh, well, if you're busy, I'll... No, no, no, no. Eric, take

five.

I get him!

Oh, dear.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Well, I'm glad.

Why? I mean, why?

Why did you say you were glad?

Well, I think you're terrific on the show.

You do?

I hate to say anything happened to you. You would?

Well, yeah.

Wow.

Look, you're not just kidding around here, are you? Of course I'm not

I think you're terrific.

Excuse me, Miss Kahn. It's time to get ready for your musical number. Thank

Scooter. I'll see you later, Gonzo. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hey,

Gonzo. How's it going with your yodeling clam?

You can have him. I'm in love.

What's he good for?

Chowder.

started the show with happy feet. Here's our special guest star to continue that

thought. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Madeline Kahn.

I've forgotten your eyes cause they no longer hypnotize my memory.

I've forgotten you know.

The word that it rose in some kind of dignity.

And I've forgotten your lips and your cool.

You forget those archers, those impets, those foes, those bountiful funyuns.

They use to greet when in rapture, surrender at all, the door ringly at

feet.

I remember your ears, but they no longer make tears run down my cheek.

And I remember your knees, but they no longer please. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But you don't even begin to compete.

It's about quarter after twelve.

Excuse

me,

Miss Piggy, may I come in?

Only if you're green and have flippers.

It's me, Gonzo, and it'll only take a second.

Okay, twerp, what are you... want. Well, you know, I've always had this crush on

you.

I came to tell you that I'm not going to bother you anymore.

I'm sorry.

Good.

I'm glad you finally come to your senses.

Oh, my dear Gonzo.

I know it will be painful for a while, but in time, you shall forget all about

me.

I already have.

Oh. Yes, I found somebody else.

Oh. Well, you have. What's she like?

Well, she's nothing like you at all. She's beautiful.

And she's got this cute little nose. And she's intelligent and talented.

And I'm very happy.

So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.

Not until now.

Hurry!

I see what you mean.

I've seen you someplace.

You know,

I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.

What's the point?

You're right. Forget it.

Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood.

Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood.

I'm taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River line.

I'm in a New York state of mind.

It was so easy living day by day,

out of touch with the rhythm and blues.

Come down to reality and it's fine with me cause I let it slide.

Don't care if it's Chinatown or rounded riverside.

I don't have any reason.

Left them all behind.

I'm in a New York state of mind.

State of mind.

And

now,

it's in space!

Honoring the salubrious Captain Link Haldroth.

The provocative first mate, Miss Piggy.

And the mythical Dr.

Strange.

When last we left the spaceship Swine Trek, it was drifting aimlessly in space

due to the loss of power in the steering mechanism.

Are you sure we've lost power on our steering mechanism, Link?

Oh, I'm afraid so, Doctor.

Try that one.

What, this one here?

I already did.

I didn't see you.

You don't have to see me. I'm the captain.

Did you see him, Doctor?

Uh, no.

But if Link says he tried that one, I for one believe him.

Thank you.

Men, you all stick together.

I'm going to try that control.

Now you stay on your own side. These are the captain's controls.

Those are your controls. They're the first mate controls.

You work your own.

My controls are just for the hot plate, the air conditioning, and the stereo.

They have nothing to do with steering.

That's right.

Doctor, I'm going to take a break. Would you see that First Mate Piggy works her

own controls and not mine?

Right, Link.

I know that it's this one.

No, but the captain said that... I don't care what he said. I'm going to try it.

I heard that. Stop her.

It's too late. This works the steering.

Two weeks from tonight and miss next week's Pigs in Space.

You know, that was almost funny.

They better be careful. They'll spoil a perfect record.

Okay,

now here is Fozzie Bear and his magic ukulele playing one of the great

from the musical theater.

was early last September, as near as I can remember, while strolling down the

lane in tipsy pride.

Not a word did I utter as I lay down in the gutter, and this pig came up

and lay down by my side.

Not a soul was I disturbing as I lay down by the curving. When this high

-toned lady came, I heard her say,

You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses.

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Okay, it's just a song. Please don't take it personal.

That bit they just did reminds me of broccoli.

Why? I hate broccoli.

And now, once again, our special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn.

La, la, la, la.

What a beautiful sunny day. I just love sunny days because they are so

beautiful.

When the sun shines, it just makes everything look so nice.

that I wish the sun would never stop shining.

Of

course,

there are some very nice things about rainy days, too.

The rain feels so refreshing.

I think that I like rainy days just as much as I like sunny days.

After all, the rain makes the pretty

flowers grow, and I just love the pretty flowers.

Even more than flowers.

I like trees.

Just look at those lovely statues.

I think that this bench is probably one of the most comfortable benches that

I've ever seen.

Of

course,

there are so many beautiful things that you don't even have to see to enjoy.

Just listen.

Listen to that lovely little bird sing.

Very nice.

In fact, you're perfectly awful.

You are so awful that it is truly beautiful.

Yeah,

you've probably worked all your life to be perfectly awful.

Year after year to be just as bad as possible. And now, now all of your toil

self -sacrifice has paid off.

Yes, you are a success.

You have set yourself a goal and you have achieved it.

Oh, you are to be congratulated.

Yeah. You are so awful that it is truly beautiful. In fact, you are the

perfect example of beautiful awfulness.

Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size to where you can handle

them.

How do I look?

Oh, well, very nice, Gonzo. What's the big occasion?

Madeline Kahn and I are getting married.

Married? Yeah.

Moving out to the suburbs, buying a station wagon, joining the PTA, the

ball of wax.

But, Gonzo, you just met Madeline Kahn.

I know.

I work fast, Kermit.

I'm going to ask her now.

Wait a second. You haven't even asked her yet?

Kermit, she's crazy about me.

Yeah, but don't you think you're rushing things a little? I mean, even buying a

new tuxedo before you... Oh, no, this tuxedo isn't new. I used to wear this

I was working on a magic act.

Are you sure it's all right?

I think you better check the pocket.

I think you're right.

I better check the hat, too.

Right up there, buddy, buddy.

Where's a Muppet News flag?

Reports are coming in from all over the world that television news reporters are

blowing up.

These unlikely rumors have...

Off and away!

I am very glad that you told me this. I mean, I... But I feel terrible now.

Well, it wasn't your fault, Madeline. I mean, you know, Gonzo doesn't get many

compliments, so when he does hear one, he kind of goes bananas.

I mean, I was just trying to be nice to Gonzo, not marry him.

I'm not going to marry him.

Listen, Kermit, you've got to help me find him, okay? Okay, well, I'll go

the prop room. I'll look upstairs.

I wish I had a coat of silk.

The color of the sky.

I wish I had a lady fair as any butterfly.

I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on

the sea.

But most of all, I wish that I was someone else

but me.

Gonzo. Oh, hi, Miss Con. Gonzo, I'm very sorry I made you sad.

Huh? You know, I just really don't think it would work out if we got married.

Yeah, I suppose I am kind of short for you. No!

No, it's... Well, anyway, hey, I hope we can be the very best of friends.

Thank you.

And if there's anything I can ever do for you... There is one thing. What? Let

me finish my song.

Oh, of course.

I'd love to hear it.

Now I don't have a coat of silk But still I have the

sky Now I don't have a lady But there goes

a butterfly Now I don't have...

A house of stone, but I can see the sea.

Now most of all, I know that I am happy to

be me.

I'm happy to be me.

Can I? I'm sorry.

Sure. Thank you.

Go ahead. What?

What is it?

What is it?

Well,

that's about it for this show. So let's have a special round of applause for our

guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Kermit. I very much enjoyed being on the show. I mean, everyone has

been so nice.

Especially Gonzo. Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Well, you should be. Now you'll have to go to all

those PTA meetings alone.

Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

got our money's worth tonight.

But we paid nothing.

That's what we got.