Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

George Burns is the guest star on this episode of The Muppet Show.

What is that?

It's my new act, Gonzo Fiddles while George Burns.

I like that joke.

It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.

One of my favorite bits to watch for is the monster and machine sketch, where

the monster slowly eats the machine bit by bit.

It has a wonderful and typically Muppet twist ending.

In conclusion, nothing can keep this machine from performing its primary

function, which is to be the most powerful exploding device known to man.

After the shooting of this episode, my father received a thank you letter from

George Burns.

At my age, it said, Miss Piggy is starting to look good to me.

I could never say no to a lady.

Well, you don't have to worry, then it's only Miss Piggy.

Here he is, George Burns, on The Muppet Show.

George Burns?

George Burns, 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.

I'm ready.

But what is that?

It's my new act, Gonzo Fiddles While George Burns.

I like that joke.

It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.

It's The Muppet Show.

Our special guests are Mr.

George Burns.

Isn't this opening pretentious?

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, muppetational, this is what we call the Muppet Show!

Okay, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to another Muppet Show. Hey, we've

got a great show tonight because our guest star is Mr. George.

Gonzo fiddles while George burns.

Have you ever thought of checking into the home for the chronically strange?

But right now, let's start things off by going south of the border.

We gotta get going. Where are we going? And what are we going to do?

We're on our way to somewhere, the three of us and you.

What do we see there? Who will be there?

Thank you.

Well, there it is, your basic Latin number.

Well, actually, it's your basic pig Latin number.

What's going on? Who are you?

No, the name's Fleet. Fleet Scribbler. I'm a gossip columnist for the Daily

Scandal. Oh, listen, I'm sorry, but we don't allow any... reporters backstage

during the show. What a headline. Muppets, banned press, reporter thrown

fraud. On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee? What a headline.

Fraud, bribed reporter, Muppets desperate for publicity.

This isn't going to be easy.

Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?

No, no, not particularly.

Muppets relying on same old tired junk.

Wait, wait, wait. On the other hand, we have a lot of brand new innovative

stuff. Muppets changing format.

Desperate to sustain show.

I never knew the press could be so depressing.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, aren't you supposed to be introducing George Burns?

Oh, yeah. Excuse me.

What a headline that would make.

What? Gonzo Fiddles while George Burns.

That joke is definitely making a comeback.

the Muppet Show, because with us is one of the men of comedy who can really be

called special.

Here he is with a cigar and a song, Mr. George Byrne.

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, and I'm delighted to be here.

Hey, well, you know, I'm really glad you could make it, George.

It's a real honor for me to be playing piano for you. Thank you, Ralph. I

haven't worked with a dog for years.

You mean you've actually worked with a dog? Oh, sure, back in Vaudeville.

Those days, dog acts were very popular.

So I picked up a dog off the street and went to the theater to do my act.

I walked out on the stage with the dog under my arm and stood there and sang my

songs.

In the middle of my third song, the dog did his act.

Twice.

He bit me.

The dog bit me right in the middle of my top note.

And to make matters worse, the theater manager came back.

canceled me and hired the dog.

Well, I hope you won't hold that against us dogs. Oh, no, no, no. I love dogs,

especially if they can play in my key.

Oh, listen, I can play in any key.

I'm another Yasha Heifetz.

Yasha Heifetz played the violin.

Nobody will know the difference, George.

Okay, Ralph, in my key, train back home.

I guess I'll take the train back home.

You'll have to hurt yourself.

Don't play like you're not getting paid.

Nice and easy. Right. Nice and easy it is. Right from the top.

Right. I guess I'll take the train back home.

There's no more sights here left for me to see.

I've wined and dined and gazed on Bill Affairs till mother's homemade pies look

good to me.

San Francisco is a grained old place.

When I get back, I'll never, never roam.

Tell those cable cars to wait.

And open up that golden gate.

I'm going to take the train back home to San Francisco.

I'm going to take the train back home to Powell and Market.

To see the Ferry Building.

To wave to Oakland.

To eat at Fisherman's Wharf.

To visit Sausalito.

To go to Finocchio.

Took me so long to finish this song.

I just miss the train back home. Isn't that honest?

Well, that George Burns is a great singer.

Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.

What? Sure. You want to hear me sing? Only if you sing tenor.

Tenor? Tenor 11 miles away.

How should I know what Guantanamo means?

Hiya, chicky baby.

Watch it, buster.

I'm Fleet Scribbler from the Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.

And what can your chicky baby do for you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

You want to interview me?

Well, not exactly.

What do you want?

Dirt.

You know, scandal, the hot skinny, what really goes on behind the scenes.

Well, I couldn't do that.

There is such a thing as loyalty to one's fellow performers.

Hmm, too bad.

I also wanted to do a picture spread of you, something for page three.

Well, first of all, come look at my eyes. Yes, just the other day.

Hey, wait a second. Hey, Scribbler, those are all lies.

5, 4, 3, 2,

1.

reporter that's backstage. He writes a gossip column.

That's all right, Kermit. As long as he doesn't write the obituary column, I'm

not worried.

Yeah, but he writes for the Daily Scandal and he'll do anything for

sensationalism. Pay no attention to him, Burns.

He's only a frog.

All right, thanks.

Look, I'll get right down to the point, Burns.

How much are they paying you on this show?

Hey, now, now, wait a second, please. Let me, let me, let me handle this,

Kermit. They're paying me $250 ,000.

Come on, is that a lie?

One of my best.

Look, Burns, for years you were nothing but a vaudeville actor. Now you made two

films. Is it difficult to be an actor?

No, I think it's very easy to be an actor.

If you're doing a scene where you walk into a room and the man tells you to sit

down, if you sit down, that's good acting.

You walk in, he tells you to sit down, and you keep standing up, that's bad

acting.

I always sit down. I'm a good actor.

I've been around so long that I can sit down and get paid for doing it.

I'm in the right business.

Goodbye,

kid.

Hey, you really took care of him, Mr. Burns. Thanks, Garth. Say, how many of

those cigars do you smoke a day?

About 20 a day.

My age, I've got to hold on to something.

Now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack gone to the

dogs.

Next patient?

Next patient? What happened to the last one?

He left for a better doctor.

Which doctor?

That's right.

Which doctor?

Oh, here it is, Dr. Bob.

It's a telephone.

What's the matter with it? It isn't working.

It isn't working? Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me.

Maybe it's a pay phone. A pay phone!

But, Dr. Bob, do you know anything about repairing telephones? No, but I can

look it up in the book.

The medical book?

No, the telephone book.

What do you think, Dr. Bob?

It must be jaundiced. How do you know?

Well, look at all these yellow pages.

Dr.

Bob. Dr.

Bob, do you think the telephone needs an anesthetic?

Well, if so, make it a local.

Why? Because long distance costs too much.

The line's busy!

Dr. Bob, Dr.

Bob, wow, are you ever going to operate?

Uh, no, but I know who will. Who?

The telephone operator.

And so, once again, Dr.

Bob is off the hook. You talking to me? Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse

Piggy say... Does the phone remind you of anything?

Nice old geezer with a nasty cough.

See, my mistress takes his topper off in a very gentlemanly way.

Ma 'am, says he, I have some news to tell. Your rich Uncle Tom

of Camberwell popped off.

Reason, cause he worked too well leaving you his little donkey gray.

Watch, sure, all the neighbors cry.

Who you gonna meet? We'll have you off the street. We'll laugh. I thought I

should have died. Not to be in the old pit road.

Every evening on the stroke of five. Me and my missus takes

a little drive.

You'd say, wonderful, they're still alive.

If you saw that little donkey go.

I... Sue showed him that he'd have to do just whatever he was

wanted to. Still, I shan't forget that rowdy crew hollering, whoa, steady,

netty, whoa.

Oh, one of the Marx Brothers.

Groucho, Chico, Hoppo, and Gonzo.

No, no, no. I'm the great Gonzo. I'm in show business, too.

Well, how did you get a name like Gonzo?

My mother gave it to me. Your mother?

Yeah, she died two years before I was born.

Well, if she died two years before you were born, how could she give you that

name? She left a note to your father. She left a note to my father, yeah.

I thought so.

Coming from you, that sounds believable.

Hey, look, I hope you don't mind me coming in here like this.

but I know you love show business, and those stories about the early days are

really interesting.

Well, some of them are pretty dull.

How can you say that?

I haven't even told you any of my stories yet.

Oh, yours. I thought you meant... I remember my first act. I worked with a

kangaroo who could tell time.

A kangaroo who could tell time?

Yeah, it was a trick. He kept a pocket watch in his pouch.

Well, if you got a pouch, that's the place to keep it.

Yeah, but he was always wrong.

He kept his watch on Australia time.

Makes sense.

Not really. He's never been to Australia.

Well, that makes sense, too.

Where did he come from? Sydney.

I thought you said he's never been to Australia.

Sydney's his agent.

Oh, has he got an office in Pittsburgh?

Yeah. Used to handle me.

You know something, Alonzo? You sound a lot like somebody I used to work with.

Really?

That's a compliment.

You know who that is?

Sure. Walter Matthau.

Yeah, that's her.

I must be getting old.

I think I enjoy talking to him.

Come here. Come here. Won't you dance with me? Come here.

I won't dance.

Don't ask me. I won't dance.

Don't ask me. I won't dance.

Not down with you.

My heart. won't let my feet do things they should do.

You know what? What? You're lovely.

And so what?

I'm lovely.

But oh, what you do to me.

I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on the shore.

I feel so absolutely stumped on the floor.

When you dance, you're charming and you're gentle.

But this feeling isn't purely mental.

I'm not as best as.

And that's why I won't dance.

Why should I? I won't dance. How could I? I won't dance.

Merci beaucoup.

Joe Bravo, he's sitting in the third row.

Bravo! Bravo!

Up here!

This is a recorded analytic program readout.

We will start with the upper right of the module.

You will note the longitudinally polarized antenna.

This component...

indestructible and is guaranteed for the life of the unit there is an alarm

system which is activated if any portion of the machine is damaged adjacent to

the alarm is the digital iambic generator this unit is pressurized

with large amounts of methane gas

of the intercellular power generator, ULC, a spherical voltage oblongata.

It should be noted that this unit alone is worth over $17 ,000.

By way of contrast, the Doppler sublimated magneto located on the front

generator can be purchased in any hardware store for about 37 cents.

The intercellular power structure and generator itself is filled with a series

of mancone coils and attenuated dichotomy in the slate. In this same

there is an intaglio -apneumismatic drift -on wavelength which aggregates

electromagnetic contrast at the rate of five ventricle icons to micro -stabilize

the electromagnetic console.

nothing can keep this machine from performing its primary function, which

be the most powerful exploding device known to man.

Disgusting! Ever seen eating like that? Sure.

Where? Thanksgiving dinner with my in -laws.

Hey, Kermit, do you know about the newspaper reporter who's snooping around

here? Yeah, Fleet Scribbler. Well, he asked me to tell him all about the

scandals and behind -the -scenes dirt.

Oh, I know. It's just awful.

It was. I didn't know where to begin.

What? I mean, I could have talked for hours.

I don't want to hear about it. Well, anyway, now he's talking to the Swedish

chef. Well, he can't get any information from him.

On the other hand...

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the one and only Mr. George Byrne.

Oh, what do you say, George? Would you do one more song for us? I don't think I

came over here just to do one song.

Oh, Mr.

Byrne. Oh, I've been a fan of yours for...

years, would you sing a song just for moi?

I could never say no to a lady.

Well, you don't have to worry, then it's only Miss Piggy.

Call it free bait.

Where were we?

I was about to say yes to a lady.

Thank you, Mr. Burns.

Now, look, let's get the group out, because the song I'm going to sing needs

the help I can get.

Okay, come on out, everybody. Here we go.

Now, Rolf and Mikey.

All right. Kids, I want you all to follow me. Yes, sir.

I could be happy, could be sad, could be good, could be bad. It all depends on

you. All depends on you.

That's nice.

Could be humble, could be proud, could be lonesome in a crowd. It all depends

you. All depends on you.

I could make money and spend it, go right on living or end it. You're to

honey, for what I do.

What I do.

Could be beggar, could be king, could be almost any old thing.

It all depends on you.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Now hold that note. I'll find another song. You, oh, I got it. You made me

you, I didn't want to do it. Didn't want to do it, didn't want to do it, didn't

want to do it, didn't want to do it.

You made me want you. Didn't want to do it.

You made me want you and all the time you knew it. All the time you knew it.

the time you knew it. All the time you knew it. All the time you knew it.

You made me happy sometimes.

I didn't want to do it.

You made me happy sometimes. You made me sad.

And there were times, dear, you made me feel so glad.

So glad.

Let's do that again.

So glad.

You made me sigh before I didn't want to tell you. I want your love, that's

true. Yes, I do. You know I do. Indeed, I do.

Give me, give me, give me, give me what I cry for. You know you got the kind

of kisses that I die for.

Didn't want to do it.

Yeah.

special guest star, Mr. George Burns!

Hey, Mr.

Burns, is it true that you and Miss Piggy were seen the other night in a

discotheque?

they do it? How do we watch it?

Why do we watch it? Why do you watch it?