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I have a confession to make, Red Shoes.
Like most women, I've always been under
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this impression that if I could change
certain things about myself, then I
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find happiness.
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If only I was a little prettier, richer,
thinner, taller, sweeter, tougher, had
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fuller lips, or just about anything
different than what I had and was, I
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in fact, have and be all that I could
dream of being.
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Most importantly, I would accept myself.
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Unable to reinvent myself.
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I did the next best thing.
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I took the labor of absence from work
and made arrangements to take off with
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France.
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Apex Bay.
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Apex Bay. Apex Bay.
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Apex Bay.
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When my friend Lynn heard what I was
doing, she called a friend of hers in
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Paris, a photojournalist, to see if she
knew of any great places in the black.
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As luck would have it, it just so
happened she was going away for the
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April and was desperately looking for
someone to house fit.
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Or in her case, I should say both fit,
since she lived on a converted barge on
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the Seine.
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Ha! Ha!
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In all my life, I've never seen a place
quite as beautiful.
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The furniture.
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The art on the wall.
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The plates.
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The silkware.
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Everything.
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The woman who lives here must be
extraordinary.
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It might sound strange, but from the
moment I walked through the door,
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I wanted to be her.
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Her spirit took me over completely.
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It was like walking into her soul.
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Bless you.
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I've never snooped or invaded anyone's
privacy before.
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In fact, it would never have entered my
mind.
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But this was different.
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I had to find out who she was.
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February 5th, 1993.
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Another collection.
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Shot 35 rolls before noon.
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All the clothes look the same.
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It's cold.
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Gray.
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Decided to call Jim.
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Haven't seen him since New York.
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Repeated everything we did the last
time.
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Like a dance.
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Saying nothing.
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Wouldn't let him touch me.
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Not yet.
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Just his eyes on me as I undressed him.
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And then I took his picture.
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One after the other.
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He looked.
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And I loved it too.
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Thank you.
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The more I read about Shelby, the more I
wanted to be like
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her.
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Her words gave me courage.
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Too shy to ever allow anyone to take my
picture.
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I set up a camera I found of hers and...
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Decided to try and take them out myself.
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I wanted to know what it was like.
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It excited me.
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It made me feel bad and daring and free.
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It made me feel like Shelby.
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The next day, I did something else I'd
never done before.
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I borrowed one of Shelby's short skirts.
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And actually had the courage to wear it
out in public.
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Thank you, Shelby.
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It was amazing.
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I had been in Paris for four days.
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And for the first time in my life,
everything seems possible.
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I'm totally anonymous.
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Nobody knows who I am.
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Nobody to judge me.
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If Shelby could sit in a short skirt in
an outdoor cafe and pick up a
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waiter, why couldn't I?
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Gina's not Gina today.
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She's Shelby.
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Confident, poised, brave.
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Shelby.
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I do love being Shelby.
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Love it.
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Love it.
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April 5th, 1993.
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Dinner alone.
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00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:02,500
I was bored.
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He was the waiter.
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His name was Jean -Louis.
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Wrote my room number on the check.
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Very discreet.
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And so was he.
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And he wasn't even that attractive.
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But it didn't matter.
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I focused on that tattoo on his chest.
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And waited for that feeling to come.
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I loved to be taken from behind.
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Just the sound of his breath.
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The weight of his body pressed against
me.
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My hands gripping the edge of the bed.
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He could be anybody.
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Feeling.
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The blood rushing into my face.
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I could hardly breathe.
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Then from out of nowhere it suddenly
began.
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Violently at first.
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And over and over again.
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Like waves lapping on his shore.
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If only I could keep him inside of me
forever.
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I couldn't give her up.
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Loved her clothes.
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Loved to dress like her.
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Loved to read her letters.
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Loved to hear a voice in my head.
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Loved him.
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Loved him.
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Charles was the difference between sex
and love.
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He was the only man that could make me
come by just a touch.
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Or sometimes even a look.
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I felt passion for him.
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His lips.
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His kiss.
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He could have owned me if he wanted to.
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He was the only man I would relinquish
myself to.
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I did.
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I loved it when he kissed me.
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In case I didn't already mention it, my
name is Antonio, and my number is
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42533441. Sorry about that message.
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It's a bad habit.
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Anyway... Hello?
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This is Shelby.
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I couldn't resist.
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He had no idea who I was.
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To him, I was Shelby.
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Beautiful, poised, beguiling.
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Shelby.
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Just keep on repeating.
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My name is Shelby.
140
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And I'm strong and fierce and beautiful.
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Just keep on repeating it like a mantra.
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That's right.
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00:14:40,850 --> 00:14:44,210
I said my name is Shelby.
144
00:15:20,970 --> 00:15:23,510
is Shelby and you are under my spell.
145
00:15:25,450 --> 00:15:32,270
My name is Shelby and you will do what I
want you to do.
146
00:15:34,190 --> 00:15:40,710
My name is Shelby and I'm strong,
fierce,
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and beautiful.
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00:15:45,690 --> 00:15:46,690
That's right.
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00:15:47,870 --> 00:15:49,630
I said my name.
150
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:51,550
is Shelby.
151
00:15:59,030 --> 00:16:00,490
What did Sue tell you about me?
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00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:02,590
She said you were wonderful.
153
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:05,550
Which you are.
154
00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:10,070
And that you were, um... How did she put
it?
155
00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:12,690
Without fear.
156
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:50,920
You like being in control, hm?
157
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,120
Is that it?
158
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,800
I want you to kiss me inside of my
thighs.
159
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,619
I talk to a voice on the other end of
the phone.
160
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,280
And now she asks me to kiss the inside
of her thighs.
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00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:25,380
Inside of my thighs.
162
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:48,850
You're just there.
163
00:17:50,230 --> 00:17:51,530
I think I've died.
164
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:52,930
I'm going to heaven.
165
00:17:54,610 --> 00:17:55,610
Answer me.
166
00:20:03,210 --> 00:20:04,590
We made love all night.
167
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:12,770
And somewhere during that time, I
stopped being Shelby and became myself.
168
00:20:14,610 --> 00:20:17,050
And that's when my real problems began.
169
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:19,790
Poor Antonio.
170
00:20:21,050 --> 00:20:24,730
Went to bed with one woman and woke up
with another.
171
00:20:27,170 --> 00:20:28,350
No, I'm not.
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Yes, you are.
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Perfect. The perfect woman.
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00:20:34,830 --> 00:20:36,890
Believe me, I'm far from perfect.
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Sweetest lips.
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Perfect lips.
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00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:48,470
What a goofy smile.
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00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,270
Perfect neck.
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00:20:56,050 --> 00:20:57,070
Wet neck.
180
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,320
Viably beautiful.
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00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:24,860
Completely unexpected.
182
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,040
I'm just not used to... What?
183
00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:35,040
You're not used to what?
184
00:21:35,980 --> 00:21:36,980
Say the words.
185
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:46,140
I'm not used to it. It's kind of a...
It's the way I
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00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:47,140
feel.
187
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:53,300
Maybe we went too fast.
188
00:21:55,600 --> 00:22:00,120
Maybe we should get dressed and go out
and get a cup of coffee, you know?
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00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:02,300
Talk a little.
190
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:04,540
Start from the beginning.
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00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:12,040
I can tell you all about me and I can
tell me all about you and everything.
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00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:15,220
What frightens you, what excites you.
193
00:22:24,620 --> 00:22:25,620
What do you say?
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00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:43,740
I, uh... I'm sorry. I need to be alone
195
00:22:43,740 --> 00:22:44,740
right now.
196
00:22:55,880 --> 00:23:00,080
He seemed to really like me, and I
really liked him.
197
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,320
And I didn't want it to be a fantasy.
198
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,160
I wanted it to be real.
199
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:14,080
When he called to ask if he could see me
again, I finally worked up the courage
200
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,160
to tell him the truth.
201
00:23:16,380 --> 00:23:23,260
I told him who I was, how none of it was
mine, and it didn't seem to matter to
202
00:23:23,260 --> 00:23:28,560
him. And then he repeated again how much
he really liked me just as I am.
203
00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:30,780
For who I am.
204
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:36,920
Wow, so she wasn't who he thought she
was, even though he liked who he thought
205
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:37,799
she was.
206
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,380
Even though he liked who she was when he
found out who she really was.
207
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:46,200
And if she hadn't pretended to be
Shelby, he would never have met her.
208
00:23:46,980 --> 00:23:50,340
And she would never have learned that
being who she really is is probably the
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00:23:50,340 --> 00:23:51,340
best thing that she can be.
210
00:23:53,450 --> 00:23:54,450
You understand that?
211
00:24:00,130 --> 00:24:01,730
And maybe you can explain it to me.
14789
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