Original subtitles

That's awesome.

Raven, you're one of the real husbands of Hollywood.

Who made these nasty ass fries, man? My brother's son, Calvin, made them.

Is that still from Mission Impossible?

That's Robin's wife, Paula Patton.

Paula Patton's in the Broadway!

I'm about to bag it.

Hey, Kevin, how you doing?

I didn't think it would be as much fun as my normal game at Prince's house.

Robin,

never come back here.

Robin thinks you can take all my money? Take my friends?

Let me tell you something, Robin.

I'm a beast.

You're a dove.

This is what it sounds like.

Doves cry.

Oh, yeah.

This is the life. This is the life. This is the life. This is the life. This is

the city where we party every night. Every night. Do or see.

Dove and Dove.

What's in the house? What's in the house? What's in the house? What's in

house? What's in the house? What's in the house? What's in the house?

A $99 breakaway suit? Son of a... good to be true. The boys and I told Jake

we were only in bed, but we could take it back.

I love it down here.

Oh, JB!

Shut up!

You shut up! I can tell you guys I can't ride in the back seat, man!

You can't step back here! It's better in that room!

Don't throw up on my shirt. I'm not going to throw up on your Pepto -Bismol

shirt!

Where? I'll be going, D. Stop laughing. That's not funny no more. You said the

factory was downtown.

This is downtown.

This is not downtown. This is downtown Tijuana.

We passed America five miles ago.

Five miles. I'm about to make you Negroes rich.

Rich as shit.

You gotta admit, I was just as skeptical as J .B.

Hey. How did you find this? Google China?

But nothing could have prepared me for what we have.

Go.

Huh?

So over here are the tunics. The next section is where they have the zippers

the buttonholes, et cetera.

And then here is where we have our patented break -aware sleeve and pant

And here's the finished product, fellas.

All right, guys.

See you not stretching. Hold on, what's going on?

There's nobody here under 1 ,000 years old. These people own as hell. That's

because I hired nothing but retired seamstresses and tailors. You guys got

get with it, man. Hey, oh, hey. Hey, man down, section three.

Man down, section three.

Somebody help.

No, no, no, no.

That's Wilkie. He gets hot. What do you mean he gets hot? He's dead.

Hang in there, Wilkie.

All right?

Hey, listen, guys. I know what you're saying. They got a lot of mileage under

their belt. You're right, Wilkie. And, you know, we got to plan a couple of,

know, naps, five, six times a day. But the good news is this.

No bathroom break.

No bathroom break? See, we're diapers.

Brilliant, right?

And check it out.

A lot of these other people, like my man Wilkie.

are proud veterans that served in Vietnam, Korea.

Gettysburg. Whatever, boys. The bottom line is they continue to serve here,

right now.

I'm just trying to put a forgotten America back to work. You got a problem

that, boys?

Actually, it's some good shit right here.

Look at this.

Don't break away before the breakaway.

That's right.

You suck gold on this one. I'm all in, baby. You suck gold. You suck old.

And I'm into it.

I like that line. Can I use that?

Robin felt kind of bad about what happened over at Poker Night at Kevin's

wanted me to arrange for them to sit down and squash the beef.

So I arranged lunch over at Katana.

I hope I don't regret that.

You know, Nelly, I'm not a drama kind of guy.

I believe in forgiveness and live and let live and turn the other cheek.

I know, but see, Kevin's a different type of dude. You know what I'm saying?

Little dude feeds off the chaos.

He's my boy, but you got to watch him, man. So when you ask me to set this up,

look,

if it don't work out, don't say I didn't warn you.

Hey, how did you get Kevin to sit down with me? Something.

I told him Paula would be here.

Yeah, you got a thing for your wife?

Oh, good luck with that, right?

He hits on everybody's girl. Should I say something?

Nah. Okay.

All right.

That's crazy.

Hey.

Uh, where's Paul at?

Uh, hello to you too, Kevin. What's up, man? I don't got time for games. Where's

Paul at?

What's up, Kevin? How you doing, man?

What's up, man? What?

Oh, this is some type of setup?

Is that what this is? Some type of intervention?

Dude, it means I put these damn sleeves on for nothing. I didn't even need the

sleeves. All right, look, Kevin, calm down, man. Why would you do that? Calm

down, son. Just have a seat for a minute.

All right?

Listen, for some strange reason, Robin insists on being your friend.

What? All right?

Well, I don't know. All right, hold on. Hello?

Yeah, all right, I'm coming. I'll be right down.

All right, look, that's my attorney. I got to go. Wait, wait, wait. You're

hitting me with him? No, no, look.

You guys will be fine. That was Trina. No, not Trina. Oh.

Oh.

No, Kevin. That was my estate plan at the time. Right, right, right.

That estate in Texas.

Okay.

I swear, I don't know why you really want to be this dude's friend. Are you

you don't need me to come with you? No, I'm cool.

If he did need somebody, it would have been me.

He would have chose me.

All right.

Listen, Kevin, I just thought that we should, you know, clear the air for what

happened the other night.

There is no air to clear, Robin.

Wait a minute. Excuse me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Man, leafy, yo, yo.

What's up, girl?

What's up, princess?

Good to see you. How are you? You look gorgeous as always. Thank you, thank

I haven't seen you since the last time in Miami.

Here we go.

What happened? I thought you were supposed to be in Paris. You know, I

There were some girlfriends.

Pretty boring. Doesn't sound boring. I think it's time.

I think it's time. I need a man. Okay. Someone nice.

Okay. Someone really cute.

Someone, you know, someone really funny.

Um, you know what? Paula.

Paula will be perfect to do that. She loves to play matchmaker. Yeah, she'll

take care of you. Okay. Okay, guys. You can hook it up. Absolutely.

Hey, Melanie.

I'm funny.

And I, uh... He is funny.

I don't know. Do you like comedy clubs and stuff?

I'm allergic.

Comedy clubs really aren't my thing, but my nieces, they love you. They probably

want to come.

It was really, really great to see you.

Take care. Here we go.

Bye, little Kevin Hart.

I'll see you on the other side.

Okay?

See what I'm saying?

That's why.

Because of stuff like that, I can't be your friend. We were this close.

I was about to be your friend.

What? What? Do you like Melody? I didn't know she was your type. I'll find

somebody that's your type. I promise. I'll hook you up.

I can't believe Nelly called me down here to be embarrassed like this.

I'll tell you what.

You better not ever call me to be a character witness.

I ain't going to do it.

You're going to jail.

Uh -oh.

Hey, Rob, we're at two different levels, man.

I'm here, and you're right here.

Rusty, Russ, Queens is in the building. What's up, baby? What happened to you

today, man?

Oh, yoga. Yeah, man, I can't keep up with you, man. That class is too hard.

reason I want you to come ahead is something I really wanted to ask you.

Yo, you know Kevin Hart?

Yeah.

Kevin, that's Tommy Jam. How you doing, man? Hey, you better not give me that

Hollywood head shake. It's me.

Kevin Hart, baby. Give me a hug, man.

Russ?

Russ, don't say it, man.

Hey, Russ, have a seat, man. Join us for a second.

So,

I need you to do the Art for Life this year.

It's the third week of July.

Of course, man. Yeah, I'm there for you. I'm there. You don't even have to ask.

You know, I'm there that week, too. So, if you need me. I took the liberty of

calling ahead to ask if we honor Paula.

Yes. You know we do for kids. Yes.

If you perform, you'll make the whole thing. Perfect. Family affair.

We're doing high together.

We're there.

Perfect. You know I'm there for you.

Did I contact Simone?

Leave me. We're going to call you later. Let me give you my number.

Okay, great. Thank you, man.

It's so good to see you, man. Always.

And I'll try to make the yoga class. I'll do my best.

I'm so proud of you, man. Thank you so much. Hey, Russ, before you go, your

number's still the same, right?

My room!

I'm sorry about that. You know, him and I, we go way back. I mean, we've done

some stuff that's only legal in Brazil. Trust me.

You know what? Let's just let's try this one more time, OK?

We're at two different levels, Rob.

I'm here.

This is the level that I'm at.

You know, I wish I could lift this table up to show you where you are because

it's underneath.

No problem.

My man.

Ed O 'Neal -y. Ed O 'Neal -y. I thought you were coming to my birthday party.

Oh, man, you know I wanted to be there, but Paula won't let me come to your

parties anymore, you sexy G. Hey, do you know Kevin Hart?

No, I don't believe so.

Kevin. I had a three -episode arc on Modern Family.

Yeah, I normally don't pay attention to those arcs, but I'm sure you did a good

job, Ken. Listen, I want to know if Kevin Hart, Kevin, remember?

I'd change that if I were you. That's not that memorable.

Listen, Rob. What's up?

I got courtside seats, Lakers game tomorrow night. You with me? Are you

me? Always. Look, here's the thing. I got one extra thing. You got somebody

want to bring?

Oh, let me think.

Anybody.

Nelly. Yeah.

Nelly would be great. I love her. Yeah. Nelly, I love her. All right. All right.

Pick you up tomorrow night. All right. We'll have a ball. All right, O 'Neely.

Kevin.

Kevin Hart.

O 'Neely.

We'll get it again.

What?

You want in?

I don't need this.

I don't need none of this.

Think you got the beat?

Yeah. Are you cool with Ryan's shotgun and a Fiero?

I'm not making it.

Now, if you were driving that Panamera, that, I would not.

That over -the -top pretentious piece of crap, when you have it, you don't have

to show.

Oh, you.

I think I like her. She got all that.

She ain't goofy.

Excuse me. I might be a funny man.

I think I like her.

Over -the -top pretentious piece of crap? Okay, look. Really? Is that what

just called it? Let me explain. Oh, you are fired.

You're fired.

You hear me? Okay. Yes, right. Okay. Wait.

You're not going to fight for your job?

You're not going to fight for your job?

Can I have my job back?

I want this.

You better tell the truth.

All right.

How did you get Carrie to talk to me?

Oh, she hollered at me.

You're a liar.

You just got fired again.

Get your ass out of here. You're fired.

What the hell did I do?

What the hell did you do?

What are you, dumb?

What didn't you do?

You let me get my ass whooped by little fat Jesus back there at Nick's house.

But you didn't die.

You know why? Because you're Kevin Hart.

Don't you hit me with that s***.

Don't you start kissing my ass, Oliver.

Some days I let my ass kiss, and it's not one of them days.

You got me up here getting s*** on.

It's a s*** on Kevin's ass up here. Okay, I understand.

The problem is you're here in his world.

We got to take Robin into your world.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to hit up Giroux, put you up at the comedy store, invite Robin.

Then tweet the hearts, Rob.

Okay. Get the mountain forest and tell Robin that you run a thing.

Give me a second to think about what you said.

Ali, what up, kid? Oh, what up, Robin?

You know Kevin, right? Comedian?

Movies and stuff?

Yeah, I heard something about you, man. I can't even believe, man. What was

that?

Heard you got your ass whooped by a nine -year -old.

Well, you heard wrong, buddy.

You done picked the wrong day to erupt this volcano.

You hear me?

Wasn't no answer.

He was 11!

And he had a lot of cholesterol.

And I suggest you get out of here before you lose your common sense.

I don't know,

man.

Yeah, what's up with that? You better get on guard, man. You better get on

guard.

This is my town right here. Yeah, my town ain't nothing on pink town.

I'm making the ass out of myself all day.

Get in the car. Get your ass in. No, you're fired. You don't get in the car.

What? You better walk.

I've already been fired. You're fired again.

You've been fired three times today.

No one's ever been fired three times.

No one.

My job.

It's amazing.

Wow.

You know what?

I didn't know what to expect.

I got to admit, I'm pleasantly surprised.

Are you actually doing something for other people? That's amazing.

Giving them hope.

Dignity. Look at them.

That's right, my man, yeah.

The reason to wake up in the morning, make some extra money, I love it.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know, three out of four ain't bad.

I don't pay them anything.

I did a deal with the local retirement homes in the area. They are required by

law to offer arts and crafts.

This is their arts and crafts.

You know, that was uncalled for. I'll cry.

I'm fading you, man.

I'm out. Okay? It's about time, Boris. You do not have to be here.

Keep working.

You can go home.

Everybody take a nap.

What do you want me to say? He did it again.

Exploited a loophole in government regulations and got himself a geriatric

labor force.

I don't know if it's genius or he's going straight to hell.

I'm guessing hell.

There's his ride.

I tried to take him out the hood and bring him into my life.

Crazy out there. Is it crazy out here? Because it's crazier in here. What?

Because we're doing Comedy Central specials now, huh? How much time are you

supposed to do?

I did four minutes. You did four?

How much time did you do? I did four minutes and 28 seconds. 28 seconds.

What's that?

It's disrespectful, man. It's disrespectful, man.

That's 28 seconds in my crowd.

And then you slam the stool?

Who slams the stool? Nobody. Except who?

Nobody.

Me? I'll be in the damn stool.

Are you ready for me to bring out the hottest cat in Hollywood?

Coming to the stage right now.

Yo, Robin Thicke.

Oh, yo.

Robin Thicke is independent.

Now, I know you're not going to just be in the house and not come bless the

stage.

Robin, you got to come on, baby.

What is that?

You hear that?

They're chanting, but I don't hear Kevin.

You see what you done started?

You see what you done started?

Everybody want to be a star now because of you.

We having a meeting when I get back.

We're going to talk about your future on this tour.

Fellas, we having a meeting.

Schedule it.

What the hell is this?

Robin, he's on stage.

Okay, why?

Why is he on stage? He's rocking right now. What do you want me to do? What do

you mean what I want you to do?

You don't have to do anything.

Get your

ass

over here.

You better get your ass over here. Oh, you about to get fired.

What the hell are you doing?

Honestly, that's my jam.

That's your jam?

Got on my iPod. If I almost knocked your damn mustache off your lip, it was this

close.

How did you get here?

Are you selling drugs?

Are you moving weight in my house?

You pigeon -flipped him some smiles. People like me. You get him off the

Or else.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is like three weeks. Get him off. This is three

weeks. Get him off the stage.

This is ridiculous.

So it was really great to be on a small stage again with such an infinite

audience. Reminded me when I first got started.

Free turkey dinner with Robin Thicke.

And the fact that Kevin's fans showed me so much love and appreciation, truly

one of the highlights of my career.

I got to tell you, Kevin, you made one big mistake.

Rabbit!

You mistook my kindness for a weakness.

See you at poker, buddy.

Kev, we need to talk.

Now's not a good time, Nick.

No, well, it's not a good time for Calvin, even.

He's having a little trouble sleeping.

He says he's not going to get any until you apologize.

Apologize? Well, you done bumped your damn head, Nick.

Ain't nobody apologizing to that little boy.

You know what is going to happen?

There's a lawsuit.

That's right.

I'm about to sue Calvin, little ass, for everything he got.

Have it your way.

Try to resolve this peacefully.

You're going down.

He's all yours, Calvin.

Hey, little meatball bill boy.

I knew I'd run into you again.

That's why I'm prepared this time.

No sneak attacks this time, Calvin.

Can't do that, boy.

I'm about to put the balls on you.

You forgot your mouthpiece.

I got my what?

You got anything, mother?

Give it up for Robin Thicke.

Now it's time for the man.

been waiting for the man you pay to see mr kevin hart

on an all -new second generation weigh -in this is

gonna be a serious shindig the guys are on a roll that puts some special vitamin

e in your drink and if this music wasn't so damn amazing i'll punch him in his

face second generation weigh -ins all new episode coming up next on bet we got

you