Original subtitles

Last time on One -on -One.

Brianna found what I want, a relationship.

Are you seriously thinking about doing it with Calvin?

Oh my God!

You're back!

Hi, Doctor.

Hi.

Oh,

look who's sneaking in at 5 a .m.

We're not sneaking in. You're sneaking out.

Michelle!

Have you lost your mind?

Now you go outside and cut me a switch.

We saw you two on the boardwalk. We would have killed you there, but there

have been too many witnesses.

So you saw us on the boardwalk.

But not on the beach blanket, right? Because nothing happened there.

Or behind the tarot stand.

Arnaz, you've been lying to me all along.

You told me there was nothing going on between you and Michelle.

And there wasn't.

I mean, yes, we were attracted to each other, but we never acted on it. Oh, so

you just came back to polish his tonsils with your tongue?

I've been cheering all night trying to get Andrew to have sex with me and

nothing. Does he know how many quarterbacks I've sacked with this

Did I come at a bad time?

I'll just cheer myself out.

Ready?

Okay.

N -O -S -E -S.

No.

This is one strange -ass household, people.

Can you please tell Cash that that poster doesn't matter? He wasn't getting

girls before, and he's not about to get any now.

Yeah, Cash, he's right. You can't blame that poster for your bad haircut.

It's not about getting girls or my haircut, which I believe is quite

I should have never sold out. Now I'm just a joke.

Cash, you're overreacting. You were a joke before the poster.

And besides, you were just a model.

It's not like everybody thinks you're a wimp who actually got beat up by a girl.

Oh, by the way, Benji, he's paying for my coffee. I'm what?

Don't sass me, bitch.

Oh, my God.

You're the guy from the domestic abuse poster.

Yes, I am. So hit me with your best shot.

I bet it'll leave me in stitches.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you that you've inspired me to do something

about my own problem.

Thank you.

Ha -ha.

Except I never heard that one before.

Same to you, lady.

So, Benji, look, I could really use your help, man.

You a nerd, right? No, excuse me.

Only fellow nerds can use the N -word.

Hey, what's up, my nerd?

Look, I was just hoping you could hack into youadog .com, the website, and see

who posted my picture, man.

Can I hack into a website?

Who do you think brought Napster down?

So I take that as a yes?

Yes. And I am almost done.

Bingo! Okay, do you know... Yo,

I thought you had it, man.

Yeah, no, I thought so, too. But then I got this virus warning, and I can't take

any chances with Lola.

Hey, Benjamin.

I'll take a soy latte.

So, Lisa, if you like D -Max so much, why don't you put him on youadog

.com, Filipino cutie 7521?

But don't worry, I'm not telling him. I don't want to get you into trouble.

Well, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

This is a shakedown, isn't it?

No, it's just, I did it because I think you're a nice person.

You know, when you're not trying to ruin other people's lives.

Okay, I was thinking, since you had

such a great time together, when the summer's over, why don't I go to Paris

you?

Wait a minute.

You leave L .A.?

Yeah, sure.

You know, I came to L .A. to be with Brianna.

That's over.

The further I can get away from her, the easier it'll be for us.

Me and you in Paris.

To get away from Brianna, huh? Yeah, I know. It sounds good, doesn't it?

Imagine you and me in Paris.

At the Eiffel Tower, the pyramids.

No, wait, that's in Vegas, right?

They don't teach geography at the guitar college, do they?

Oh, no, they do.

But I can never find the class.

Sarah?

Bonsoir.

I am here to turn down your bed.

I may even fall in.

Sarah, I told you this isn't about sex fantasies. I'm through with that. I just

want to get to know you.

I knew I should have worn my princess.

Geisha?

Naughty INS agent outfit?

Ugh, fine.

Just get to know each other.

This is so nice, Arnaz.

Wow.

You just called me Arnaz. What?

a name tag, aren't you?

Look, even if I did call you Arnaz, it was completely innocent.

It's just that I'm so mad at him because after all these years, I thought I

could trust him.

And now I think Michelle is the reason that we broke up.

You know what, Brianna, Brianna, Brianna?

I've got some work to do for my McDonald's training seminar in the

Maybe we should call it a night.

Come on, Calvin. I'm sorry I called you Arnaz.

Look, let's just get past this.

Ooh, look.

Hot babe on the couch.

Look, I've got my life together, okay?

I've got a career I love, I know where I'm headed, and I know how I feel about

you.

But I can't be with someone who's holding on to the past.

But I thought we really liked each other.

I do really like you.

But I'm tired of having to deal with Inez.

So you're gonna have to choose.

Me or him.

Hey, you home early?

I guess food is not the only thing Calvin does fast.

Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're making out with your boyfriend

you allegedly call him Arnaz.

Damn. But that's what happens when you're stuck.

Stuck? On Arnaz?

Negro, please.

Look, here's some advice, all right?

I've seen plenty of girls who are stuck, usually on me.

So I know until you get over Arnaz, no guy is going to want to deal with you.

And it won't be their fault because you're stuck.

Stuck, stuck, stuck.

Well, you know what? Yeah, my head is kind of stuck.

We did have a date tonight, right?

There's been a change of plans.

We're not going out again. Ever.

Really?

You've given up on trying to have sex with me?

Yeah. I've run out of costumes.

Sorry. Bye.

You don't want me?

Damn, that's hot.

It's not you. It's...

What did you say?

Ever since I came to L .A., women have done nothing but throw themselves at me.

Unfortunately, I cooperated.

But you want nothing to do with me. You don't even care if I see you at your

worst. This is your worst, right?

Ah, who cares?

Where's your bedroom? They're there.

I mean, put me down, you ass. Yes, yes.

I'm off of youanddog .com. Which means this hound is back on the booty trail.

Gotta go, there it is.

Lisa, if you like the guy, make a move.

Take your shot now before some other desperate woman snatches him up.

You know what?

I am gonna make my move.

Hey. Hey.

So was a nice thing you did, taking DMACC off that site?

It was nothing. I'm over him.

Oh, really?

Sometimes you just don't know a good thing, even when it's right under your

nose. So tell me, Benjamin, what's underneath your nose?

Uh, the hint of a mustache?

Remember me?

Ah, the return of Ms.

Sarcasm.

I just wanted to thank you for changing my life.

Oh, wait, you're serious?

Of course. You gave me the strength to do what I needed to do about my

boyfriend. You left him?

No. He cheated on me, so I kicked the crap out of him.

Now you and I are going to celebrate.

I don't think that's... Now! Okay.

What's in the bag?

Art supplies.

I'm going to go to my parents' cabin and do some painting.

Oh, cool. Well, I get off in an hour. I can go with you.

I'm going to go by myself. I'm going to need some time alone after I break up

with you.

What?

Well, maybe I didn't put that in the best way.

But why? Everything is great with us.

I know, Arnaz, but obviously it's not over between you and Brianna.

I came back after two months thinking that you had moved on, but instead

looking to go all the way to Paris to run away from her.

And your feelings.

Wait, hold on. I'm over Brianna.

My feelings are for you.

I wish I could believe that.

I'm sorry, Arnaz, but I've decided to spend the summer as a starving artist.

That's why I'm going to fly to Mammoth tonight in my parents' jet.

So who are you not sleeping with tonight?

You, for starters.

I called Calvin. He's on his way over. I called him and told him I chose him

over Arnaz. So you still think I'm stuck?

Stuck like Al Roker in a tube top.

What do you know, Scooby -Doo -Doo?

Hey, I'm offering you a dog .com, okay?

That means I got a new leash on life.

What is wrong with me? You do not want me to answer that.

Michelle dumped me.

She doesn't think I'm over you.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of that going around.

I screwed up with you.

I screwed up with her.

I'm in LA. I don't even know why I'm here anymore.

Well, we came out here to follow our dreams.

You can still do that.

Yeah, but you and I were part of that dream.

Are you saying that Michelle is right?

That we're not over each other?

Honest, sometimes I wonder if we should still be together.

I don't know.

Just give me a minute.

Wow. Rihanna, you look amazing.

Yeah, I know.

Look, Calvin, something's come up.

Tell me about it.

Look, Calvin, we might have to reschedule tonight.

Wow, what's going on?

It's Arnaz. Michelle just dumped him and he's in really bad shape.

Poor guy.

Anyway, let's go.

I cannot leave him alone like this.

Wait a minute.

You called me. You said you chose me.

He's still my friend, Calvin.

Your ex -boyfriend?

Maybe not so ex.

Look, I'll call you. You already did that.

No need to do it again.

She's, uh... Actually, I don't remember her name.

She just moved into the building.

Oh, and what are you doing? Giving her a welcome basket?

Sarah, I'm sorry. I thought one woman could be enough. But you let the freak

of the box.

I don't think he got lost again, do you?

You guys see the moon tonight?

It's beautiful.

Wait, are you glowing?

You've been with someone.

Or something.

He's kind, he's smart, and I didn't make him up.

He's my Benjamin.

Benjamin?

The creepy blog manager?

No, she means creepy in a good way.

Like, oh, Benjamin is fly, fat, and stupid creepy.

Can I talk to you? Ice cream first, fool.

Hey, is everything okay?

Okay, so I've been thinking about what you say. You know, about being open in

new dreams.

Oh, good. And I know how hard thinking is for you.

Thank you.

I know what I want now.

I want us to help each other achieve those dreams.

I'd like that, Arnaz.

So I was wondering, can I borrow your car?

Because I'm going to chase Michelle to the mountains.

What? Yeah.

I mean, she's my new dream.

And I'm going to make her see that the way that you made me see it.

Wow, after all these years, I never thought I would be saying this, but...

If that's what you want, go for it.

Don't forget to put gas in it.

You're going to need some money, huh?

Yeah. Can you draw me a map to the mountains?

Sure. For an old friend, I'd do anything.

Now go get your crayon. Yes.

Calvin's gone already?

What, did that ice cream give you gas?

Yeah, a little.

But, no, we didn't even have our date. I had to stay here and babysit Arnaz

because your sister broke up with him.

Oh, well, that's double good news.

Michelle broke up with a loser, and I'm right again.

You're stuck.

Arnaz the keys to my car to go chase after your sister.

You let him go after my sister?

Couldn't you have just had sex with him?

No, there is no more Arnaz, no more Calvin.

I'm free.

You ain't really free.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

I'm telling you, I am so free, it's ridiculous.

I feel better.

Wait, are you going somewhere?

I'm going to Benjamin.

But I'll be all alone.

Love you too, Netta.