Original subtitles

Here. It's not that I don't want to invite you in, but I live with my ex

-girlfriend. We kind of have this rule. No date in the house.

Here, wait.

It's not that I don't want to invite you in, but I live with my ex -girlfriend

and... Wait, wait.

Is the couch by that dumpster?

Okay. It's not that I don't want to invite you in, but I...

Can't, because one of my roommates has bubonic chicken pox.

I think I heard about that one on the news.

Oh, yeah, don't worry. I've already had them.

And the quarantine should be lifted in time for our date this weekend.

I'm so ready.

Thank God I keep emergency penicillin.

Brianna, I have a question.

Yes, you'll get sick if you eat glue, no matter how good it smells.

I know that.

Now.

Look, I was wondering if maybe you were ready to reconsider our no date in the

house policy.

Why can't you just take your date back to their place?

Oh, that's right.

Street corners don't have couches.

Ha, ha.

The girl I'm dating now lives with her dad.

He's a cop.

He fingerprints me every time I come to the house.

Arnaz, I'm not changing the rule. I'm just not ready.

So when are you going to be ready?

I don't know when I'm going to be ready.

I'll be ready when I'm ready.

Where have I heard those words before?

The tarot cards say amazing things about your love life. Those cards don't know

anything. I'm never going to meet anybody.

Sweetie, you'll be fine.

Lisa's never going to meet anybody.

That's not true.

It says I'll meet a guy with a black robe.

Honey, that's the death card.

Brianna, I have a question.

Yeah, and I have an answer. No.

You didn't even know what I was going to ask.

You were going to ask about the no dates in the house rule.

No.

I was going to ask you, does a no -glue thing apply to paste, too?

Hey, guys, sorry, but I don't have any money for candy bars.

Uncle Kevin!

What are you doing in L .A.? Well, I'm here to build my CavCare empire and

my protege, Darius, here a thing or two about business.

Yeah, and I bet you could teach me a little something about pleasure.

has a lazy eye because he's looking at me, but I think he was talking to you.

Uncle Kevin and Darius, these are all my friends. Oh, and of course, you

remember Arnaz.

Ah, yeah, little Terrence Howard.

How you been, man?

How you doing, man?

Well, you know, living with my ex -girlfriend, working as a busboy,

room with two dudes.

Pretty much living the dream.

So, tell me more about your empire.

Well, in addition to owning my own salon and day spa... I thought you was the co

-manager. No?

Uh, there's a little business tip.

Mind your own.

Like I was saying, you know, I'm branching off into the hair care

A little something -something I like to call... Care of care.

I say care of care. Oh, right, right, right.

One, two, three. Run your fingers through some calf care.

As I hit it, one more. Run your fingers through some calf care.

That was catchy, man. You know what? If y 'all added a bridge and then just put

this little dance move right there to the... All right, maybe it was fine the

way it was, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we got a whole new line of products out here on the West Coast. We

trying to sell calf care in all the hottest clubs in L .A.

As you know, this is the broke -down weave capital of the world.

And plus, no one knows us here, so we could date all the hood rats and the

gangster boyfriends won't come after us because they wouldn't know where to find

us. You know what I'm saying? And there's one thing I learned in business

is you can't sell calf care if you're dead.

Tupac still sells records.

I don't think I like you.

Or your greasy -ass hair.

Look it up.

I want to buy something nice for you.

Say, uh, me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

You talking to her?

Oh, I'm sorry, man. Is this your old lady?

This is my old lady. Man, I'd rather have sex with this chair.

I love it when you talk dirty to me, boo.

All right, uh, Bri -Bri, I'm gonna need you to show me where all the hot spots

out here is, you know, because I drove in with a truck full of calf care.

And I say I'm leaving with a truck full of cat.

Were you this good looking when you came in?

Uh, look here, Britney Spears.

You got the wrong cat.

Hey, here, try some cat care.

Only the hottest hair care product to hit the scene. Since just for me, just

you.

Here you go. Take two to get your knees in. All right.

One sample per one customer, okay? Damn.

Y 'all need to chill out with that, all right? L .A. bouncers tend to frown on

black -on -black violence.

I can do whatever I want.

You know, guys, I don't think I like being single.

All the guys keep staring at me like I'm wearing a sign that says, ooh, I'm

single, come and get me. That doesn't work either.

You've had no problems flirting in the past.

Well, flirting is easy when you know it's not going anywhere.

Maybe I'm not ready for all this dating stuff.

Oh, no, no, no.

Free? I mean, we Barnes family, we love to love.

I say we love to love.

Take this guy right here, all right?

Nice jacket, nice shirt.

Bad teeth.

Nothing personal, ma 'am, but you're real as Jack, okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Nice hair can take the attention away from them teeth.

Don't worry.

I invited this great guy for my dating service.

Why? I told you I'm not ready.

Well, ready or not, here he comes.

Ooh. Ooh, I'm ready now.

It's so nice to meet you. I'm Calvin.

Sarah told me great things about you, and everything she said was true.

Oh, thank you. I wish she would have told me more about you.

So what do you do?

Well, actually, I'm an assistant manager at McDonald's, and I know what you're

thinking. That your name is Calvin and you work at McDonald's?

You know, that whole commercial thing?

Okay, go on.

Well, not that. It's just that most people think, why would I want to work

McDonald's? Hey, but we'll see who's laughing when I have a couple of

of my own.

Okay, a brother with a plan.

Oh, and free french fries. You do get free fries, right?

Hey.

Hey.

You really sweating D -Mac, huh?

No, of course not.

Why, did he say anything about me?

Look, the best way to get a brother's attention is to hook up with another

You really think so?

Yeah, girl.

Look, you and me.

Lisa.

Working already?

Yeah.

Could you move? I can't see that hottie behind you.

Move that way.

Brianna, Brianna. We got to go. Right now.

Why? The security guard suggested that, uh... We sell CavCare 100 feet away from

the premises.

All right, now look here.

Selling of the clothes is out, okay? But I got a plan double B.

We gonna sell CavCare on the beach, bitches.

Thanks for gathering us all together to tell us that.

Make sure you wear sunscreen.

Don't y 'all want to be a part of CavCare history?

Now, there's a big concert going down tonight at the Boardwalk. The place is

going to be packed, all right? Now I'm offering you the honor of being my Kevin

Barnes sales team.

Well, I mean, I don't want to state the obvious, but I'm pretty white.

Selling black haircare products might not be my specialty.

Look here.

The only color you need to worry about is green, okay?

I'm gonna pay y 'all for your time.

You know, getting paid for her time is her specialty.

Ooh, uh, so, Darius, that means we, uh, get to spend more time together, huh?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.

Spend more time with my lady.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Something wrong, D -Mac?

Yeah, something's wrong.

Are we getting paid hourly or by commission?

We're going on down to the boardwalk, and we're going to sell some calf care.

Maybe you can come and help push the half -black line.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Straight nappy, straight nappy.

Uh, sorry, but I have to work.

What about you, Brianna? Are you going to help? Or do you have some rule about

selling stuff on the boardwalk, too?

Uh, yeah, I'll probably be down there.

You know, now that I know that you're not going to be there.

I would buy every bottle of Kevcare if you take her back to Baltimore with you.

Think about it.

He can't afford that, can he?

I don't know. It's just hard talking about dating around Arnaz. We even have

rules about not bringing people to the house.

Well, see, that's your problem. Why don't you just pretend like Arnaz

exist? He can be cast for that half -white ghost.

Look, I would like to invite you in, but no.

No, but I am going to invite you in because that's what I want to do for me.

would you like to come in?

Yes, I would like to come in.

And why are we talking like this?

I thought you were on the boardwalk slinging kev crap with your uncle.

But I see you're not.

And I see you're not alone.

Oh, yeah. This is my friend, Calvin.

And who is this?

This is my friend.

Not Calvin.

Haley?

Do I know who you are? I just wanted her to know that your name wasn't Calvin.

Uh, Brianna, can I talk to you for a second?

No.

No, that's her favorite word.

We'll be right back.

What? I can't believe you broke the rule. I can't believe you broke the

Whatever. I got dibs on the house. So you and your friend over there just need

to go someplace else. I am not going anywhere. This is my house, too. So what

are we supposed to do?

I guess we'll just have to try and act like adults.

I love y 'all. Put your hands up.

Thank you, Venice Beach.

Thank you, Venice Beach. I love y 'all.

Now that show's over, right? Okay, now we can start our show.

If I had one wish, it'd be for you to never do that again.

Okay? Now, what are we waiting on, people?

Let's go out there and sing. All right, all right.

This guitar is only getting in between me and Haley anyway.

That's nice.

So, Calvin, have you tried the biscotti? Oh, Haley, have

you tried these cheesy puffs?

Yeah, I had a couple. Well, here, have some more.

Oh, look, you got a little chocolate right there. Let me get that for you.

You got a little cheeky. Oh, just kiss me.

Hey, what's going on here? Are we, like, competing with them or something?

Uh -huh.

But we gonna win.

Care care commercial on the beach.

Take one.

You're okay.

Wow, I love it. I could run my hands through it all day.

I wouldn't mind that at all.

Then why don't you take me home?

All right, right after I take home some of this calf care.

Pay me more money for that.

The money ain't going to be no thing because it looks like we're selling out.

In fact, I got to go to the crib and grab some more product. Can you hold it

down for me? Can you do that?

Can I do it once?

You ain't do it.

All right, all right. One time.

That's it.

Run your fingers.

Stay in school.

Oh my God, it's getting hot in here. You wouldn't mind if I took off my shirt,

would you?

business is going on up in here.

Nothing?

Well, it don't look like nothing.

You know, uh, I had a great time tonight. Hold on, brother.

How great of a time you talking?

Not that great of a time.

Look, I'll call you later.

All right? I got an early shift tomorrow, and McMuffins don't make

This might be a good time for me to leave, too.

I tend to get nervous when there are more than two people watching.

I'll walk you out.

Brianna, what's going on?

I mean, here I am thinking that you're all grown up and you're acting like a

child. Oh, Jesus.

Look, at first, I just wanted to be alone with Calvin.

And then I saw Arnaz with that girl, and I guess I just wanted to hurt him

before he could hurt me.

It sounds like you're not over him yet.

I'm working on it.

Well, look, I'm a few years older than you. I know it may not look like it,

thanks to care of care.

But that means I'm also a few years wiser than you.

Okay? All I'm saying is take my advice.

Don't do anything stupid that you think you're going to regret.

My point exactly.

So I guess the no date in the house rule is over.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Well, what about from now on, no dates in the house at the same time?

Okay, that's good.

And see, we did it without fighting.

Okay, okay. Well, how about this?

No taking off your shirt just to take off your shirt.

Hmm, that's a tough one.

What if I flex and it just bursts off?

to me in Baltimore this summer, right? Well, of course. I mean, who wants to be

next to the Pacific Ocean in the summertime?

Come on, D, let's go.

All right. One great goodbye kiss and your boy D -Mac will be all up on you.

He's not even here.

I guess our plan to make D -Mac jealous was a failure.

Well, that wasn't the master plan.

The master plan was to get with you.

Wait.

You wanted to get with me?

Give me 30 minutes, let's do this!

Love you too, Netta.