Original subtitles

Okay, if you're going to throw underwear in my face, I prefer something lacy.

Fold your own drawers.

Come on, you always folded my clothes.

Yeah, y 'all had a nice routine going. You folded his drawers, and he tried to

get into yours.

Yeah, well, those were girlfriend privileges.

Single brothers fold their own drawers.

After five years and $267 in jewelry, This is the closest I've been to your

panties.

You are such a jerk.

We use more of a jerk with stupid granny panties.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

I'm packing my bags and I'm moving back home.

What's wrong, man?

A photographer I know just signed a deal to direct a Jamie Foxx movie.

Why'd I even come to Hollywood? I should have stayed in the riggity -riggity rap

game, MC Cash. What?

Well, maybe it's time you do something about it, Cash.

Yeah, you should make a short film.

Yeah, you should make a movie, Cash.

It could be about dating Brianna.

Action. Or should I say no action?

I can't make a movie. I don't even have a script.

You can just write a script.

You have to at least try, and whatever you need, we got your back.

Maybe you're right.

Yeah, and if you want to win an Oscar, you have your Mr. Laffy Taffy right

You can feel all by yourself.

I'll be there to take you there.

Let me see a show of hands of those who stayed up all night and wrote a movie.

You stayed up all night and wrote a movie.

Oh, sorry. I thought you said stayed up all night and wrote a movie. My bad.

Oh, tell us about your movie.

I was inspired by you guys.

It's about a young couple in love who moves from Baltimore to Venice Beach and

ends up sharing a house with four roommates.

So it's a horror film.

Anyway, so you're using our lives?

I use everyone's lives.

They always say right about something you know.

Hey, Cash, I think that's great. We should all be supportive of you.

Good, because I was hoping to use you all as my actors. And not because I

pay real actors.

What's the reason?

Well, I thought if I put Sarah in a movie, she might sleep with me.

Never.

Cash, why are you shooting a movie about the past? It's so boring.

Yeah. Two hours with a frustrated Arnaz taking a cold shower.

You should make something more exciting while you have single, fun, and young

Brianna right in your face.

Hey, you know Hallie's career didn't go to the top until she took off her top.

Are you kidding?

Brianna wouldn't even take off her top in my dreams.

Well, Brianna, if you feel like you can't handle the role...

I can fake anything. Ask Arnaz.

You gotta try to fake it.

What up there, Beast?

What are you doing here, Manny? We paid rent last week. Yeah, and we're out of

beer. That's true, my white chocolatey kitty cat.

But my nose detects fresh ink on warm paper as in a script.

Trust me, after being on a sitcom for four years, you start recognizing the

smell of fresh ink in case they try to write you off for the show.

Happened to Mike Evans.

Who's Mike Evans?

Exactly! Mike Evans was the original liner on the Jeffersons.

I think he teached Taibo down in North Hollywood. He taught me this.

Anyway, where's the script?

Well, the script's right here, and no, you can't have a part.

You will say that to it, brother?

What a cute little...

You do not have acute leukemia. Baby, I got acute everything.

Oh, Cash, I think I speak for everyone here when I say we're really excited

about your movie. But we only have one concern.

In the credits, is my name going to be first?

Ignore her. When do we start shooting?

Actually, we're shooting right now. I hit a camera right over there in that

bush. No way!

What? We're shooting right now?

Ooh, Lisa, switch sides with me. This is my good side.

I think I found your good side.

Look, I can't afford the permits I'm supposed to have, but I need this scene,

I put your line in these menus.

Okay, so my line is...

All sandwiches come with french fries and potato salad.

Below that.

Oh.

That makes more sense.

Wait, how come we're not getting a whole script?

I'm only giving it out one scene at a time. It's very Woody Allen.

Uh -oh. Watch out, Lisa.

Okay, let me set the theme. You guys just found out nobody had any money to

for the meal.

That'll be a stretch. We never have any money. No problem. The waiter's a friend

of mine. He knows you guys are going to dine and ditch. Just make it look real.

Okay. Okay.

Everybody knows their lines, right?

Right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, great, great. Oh, and Brianna and Arnaz, I need you

to be sitting next to each other, so Lisa and Brianna, switch.

I told you.

Oh, and Arnaz, put your arm around her.

What? Uh -uh. No, no, he is not touching me.

Don't worry. You can't get pregnant from me putting my arm around you.

Now, an action.

Okay, you guys, the check's been on the table for about an hour, and now we're

looking at menus again.

I think they're getting suspicious.

But we can't pay for it. We're low on cabbage.

Cabbage?

Stay in character.

What are we going to do?

I'm too cute to wash dishes.

This isn't the Twilight Zone, Lisa.

Well, guys, there's only really one thing we can do.

18 % gratuity included on all parties and six or more.

Cash, I'm not quite getting a handle on my character.

Is there any way I can see a whole script?

Brianna, you're a fish out of water with your boyfriend in California and four

roommates. Pretty simple. So simple, it should be a TV show.

Yeah, but you have Brenda so wrapped up in her romance with this Arnie character

that you're not being true to her real objective, which is chasing her dream.

Yeah, and why am I dancing naked in a tub of Jell -O? It has nothing to do

the story. Because I want everything to jiggle.

It's my movie, okay?

It's a highly stylized comedy. Don't worry, it'll be cinematic magic.

I suppose you have a problem too, Arnaz.

Yes, I do.

I have a problem figuring out what my stage name should be.

Arnaz is so common.

You know, I got a question.

Why is my character, your character, sidekick?

What makes you say that?

Well, for starters, his name is Sidekick Charlie.

Um, and you do know that Filipinos don't wear kimonos?

That's the Japanese.

I know, but Tokyo's a bigger market than whatever village you've got over there

in the Philippines.

Now, I'll be back shortly.

Well, don't you at least want to hear us out?

No.

That's awesome, but we...

Brianna, are you sure that Cash won't be mad that we're making changes to his

movies? Well, I wasn't going to tell you guys, but I snuck a peek at the whole

script, and trust me, these changes we are making are going to make it so much

better. I mean, these characters are us, and who knows us better than us?

Oh, my God.

I totally forgot that Arnie is me.

I need more tank tops.

I want to read the whole script.

No, you don't. Believe me. You'll be glad we made these changes.

Here comes cash. I'll do all the talking.

I got the jello.

Cherry flavored.

Soon to be Sarah flavored.

Brianna has something to ask you. Yes, Brianna, there will be room for both of

you in the jello tub.

No. We were talking about our characters, and we made some slight

reflect our motivation.

Really? Changed my script?

what we came up with. All right, everybody play.

And action.

Look, if we don't come up with the rent money, we'll all be out on the streets

and I'll be wearing a tank top.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm a single independent woman

style.

and I can take care of myself, sugar.

And I can always get a rich doctor to take care of me.

Or a lawyer.

Or anybody rich, really.

Oh, that's great news! Yes!

That was Kanye.

We just closed the deal. We just bought Africa, baby.

I can't wait to tell my tall, white sidekick chump change.

And I can't wait to tell everyone that you and I are...

Wait, that ain't in the script. It's in mine.

You guys are ruining my movie. Where's the comedy?

Well, this just feels so much more real. There is no way a strong woman like

Brenda is going to live her life for Arnie.

And by strong, you mean like a python choking the life out of Arnie.

Yeah, man, Brianna's right, dog.

The way you had our characters was whack.

Well, I like the characters.

Well, we don't. Well, too bad. I'm not changing it.

Fine, then. We quit.

Coming, y 'all.

Judify yourselves.

So, uh, what you think, Mr. Director Man?

You like the cast I assembled for you?

These are your acting students?

Well, yeah. Some of them have graduated.

Like, uh, see, Sassy here has made quite a name for herself on the streets of

Hollywood.

And this old lady is supposed to play Lisa.

Oh, you're talking about Henny. See, now, Henny, she knows magic.

She's a magician.

Ta -da!

That was interesting.

But can you act?

Ta -da!

Cup nuts?

Yo.

What's going on?

People waiting for the bus in here now?

No. I've recast my movie. This is the new, improved version of you guys.

Brianna, that's you.

She's a mime. As in doesn't talk, smell the irony.

Now that I could date.

Mimes don't talk.

Okay, everyone, if you're not in the movie, clear the set.

Hi, Sarah.

Hi. Wait, aren't you our water guy?

Yeah, yeah, you, uh... You might recognize me from such roles as your

But I'm really an actor. I'm playing Arnie.

It's the male romantic lead.

This role could make me a star.

Well, before your meteoric rise to the top, can we get an extra case of Little

Waters next week?

Sure. Those are our best sellers.

I love them.

Keep a case refrigerated for you.

Whatever. Just bring them. Okay.

My first groupie.

All right, let's get started. And let's see some magic.

Ta -da!

I love your ad -libs, Annie.

But let's stick to the script. After all, that's why you were hired.

Places, everyone.

Okay, and action.

Stop yelling!

It's not my fault we're out of money.

Maybe for once you could stop complaining and help me figure out a

You know I'm stupid.

an Asian spinster.

What's going on?

Now I'm a spinster?

At least he got one thing right.

I was at school schooling these fools because I'm the flyest thug in Malibu.

Malibu for life, for life, for life.

Hey, man.

What's up, homie? Why you disrespecting me like that, man?

Hey, man, quiet. You can talk to the screen when it comes out Magic Johnson

Theaters.

sensitive. It's actually kind of funny.

So what if he exaggerated us a little bit?

All right, where's the jello?

I got a rich guy coming over.

That's supposed to be me?

Okay, I've had it. Cut.

Only I can yell cut.

Okay, maybe we should call a doctor.

It's okay.

I swallowed it.

Yeah, we got some chaos.

And plenty of feed rock.

The age of sin die.

Three on three on three on three.

Do you want some?

Cash, your roommate?

No, no, were our roommate.

We've replaced you with a new, improved version.

Hey, yo, Arnaz, bring in my new sidekick.

Hey, friends.

Thanks for having me over. Now, before we start playing Dungeons & Dragons, you

should know that I lost my 12 -sided die.

But I did bring my amulet of power.

Ha, ha, ha. So you're replacing me with the Geek of Darkness?

No, my official D &D name is Legolas, Soothsayer, Shapeshifter, and Giant,

amongst else. Okay!

You know what?

I was just trying to make a movie. You guys are just being mean.

Well, look who you recapped us with.

Is that really what you think of us? You made me a prostitute.

Lisa, a spinster. Brianna, a mime.

D -Mac a phony and Arnaz dumb.

Wait, you made me dumb?

No, no, no, honey.

God made you dumb. Cash just got it on tape.

I had to recast you guys.

You quit.

And I rewrote it that way because I was hurt.

All you had to do was take some of our suggestions.

Just admit it. You guys never really thought I could do it in the first

And as it turns out, you weren't wrong.

My movie is terrible.

So, laugh it up.

I suck.

Thanks for keeping me from wasting the rest of my life.

Hey, Cash.

Look, man, we want to apologize.

Yeah, we're sorry.

We took it too far.

Yeah, we did.

Well, now that I think about it, I guess Brianna did. I mean, we just all kind

of followed her lead.

Yeah, that's true.

That's very true.

Whoa, whoa!

When did this all of a sudden become my fault?

Well, you pointed out to us that the only thing that sucked worse than our

characters was the script.

Yeah. Good point.

Whoa, whoa, you read the whole script?

Well, that's your fault.

You shouldn't hide your laptop under your bed where anybody could easily

upon it if they looked hard enough.

So why?

I guess...

I guess I freaked out when you had Arnaz and I acting like we were a couple.

I had to know how far you were going to take it.

Based on us, how far could it go?

The script called for you and I to kiss.

And I just wasn't ready for that yet.

You're an actress. You should be able to play anything.

Yes, but I'm also a woman.

It would have been too weird to kiss.

Look, I know I was being unprofessional and selfish.

I would feel horrible if you quit.

The truth is, the script was really good.

It was.

We got your back, man.

We'll do anything you need.

Even if it means stuffing Lisa into a bikini.

Or a dumpster.

Thanks, guys.

Maybe I can come up with something else.

I do have one favor to ask.

I don't have any money to pay for my bill.

You help me out?

Sure.

Love you too, Netta.