Original subtitles

I love my costume.

It's sexy, but it still says Shakespeare.

No, it doesn't. It says, smother me, Arnaz.

Ooh, somebody's wearing something new.

You got a date, man? Oh, yeah.

I'm going out with my French professor again.

She's been eyeing my baguette.

She's just tutoring you, D -Mac. When all you do is meet at the blog, eat

muffins, and work on your accent, it's so not a date.

Wait, how do you know where we meet and what we do?

Coming!

All right, look, maybe it hasn't reached the physical level yet, but the fact

that she's picking me up says date.

I'll bet she brings her French book.

Yeah, and I bet it's still closed when she drops me off tomorrow morning.

Hi.

I'm here for Daryl.

Hey, Lila.

Should we head out?

If you notice, no French book.

And don't forget your French book.

Ho, ho!

Okay, so, do you want to... Wait, what are you doing?

I've been dying to do that.

I can't feel my feet.

Would you mind doing that again?

But in front of my roommates?

I'd rather go home and do it in front of my mirror.

This is already my best day ever.

Bring me a soda.

Does my appearance bespeak a servant witch?

Hath thou fairy no legs to fetch thine own spirit?

Did she just call me a fairy?

Yeah, like that's the first time you've ever heard that.

Look, I'm sorry, you guys. I'm just really pumped up about my opening night.

and it really means a lot to me that you guys are going to be there.

D -Max the man.

Ha -ha, for shizzle.

Yeah, that's right, no English. I didn't need English tonight. I spoke the

international language of bootay.

Oh, I see that French still surrender pretty easily.

Oh, and I see there's still sucko next to. Yeah, well, I sure didn't get this

hickey from pinching on my own neck like some people.

I said it was a pimple.

Wait, come on, Lisa. Let's go pop that thing before it starts talking.

Man, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

So what's it like with an older woman? She throw you down and tie you up?

Fuck, she teaches French, not calf roping.

Please, I need the details.

Then talk slowly.

I've been so lonely.

Thou art jackasses, one and only.

Guess what, Brianna?

B .B. King is going to play at our school fundraiser, and I was picked to

for him.

That's where we kind of hit a snag.

The only night we can get BB is the same night as the opening of your play.

Ernest, no.

I know. It sucks.

Well, you can't miss the chance to open for BB King.

And I can't miss my opening night. Plus, I have to bring the cheese wheel for

the after party.

Well, at least our roommates would be there to cheer me on.

Wait, I thought they were going to be there to cheer me on.

They could see your play another night.

But it's not the same as opening night.

You know, whatever they want to do, it's okay with me.

Me too. We'll just stay out of it.

And if you come to my play, I'll save you some of the cheese wheels.

If it came for less, you know, it doesn't get much bigger than that.

Yeah, but you know, older women love Shakespeare.

Come on, Lila's not an older woman.

She just left younger.

No offense, Brianna, but Shakespeare?

If I wanted to hear people speak a language I barely understand, I'd go

parents.

And Lila's ancient, DMACC.

Come on, Lisa.

I've been there for you.

Every time your mom calls, I tell her you're either at the library or on a

And by the time she stops laughing, she forgets why she even called.

You're such a good friend.

I'll be there.

Okay, so what about you, DMACC?

The only old English thugs know.

comes in a 40 ounce.

Well, fine. You know what? Just go to our next concert.

But I heard he might sing.

What time does our play begin?

It's freaking B .B. King.

Do you know who's starring in Brianna's little play?

Brianna.

And quite frankly, aren't we all a little tired of hearing her every single

Hey, no one hates Shakespeare more than me.

But Brianna's my friend and I don't want to disappoint her.

Oh, well, what am I?

You're just my roommate who spends way too much time in the shower.

Hey, I'll leave the conditioner in my hair for the recommended three minutes.

And what do you do for the other 27 minutes?

So, do you guys want to come to my thing?

Would you rather sit for four hours waiting for your ass to fall asleep?

Hi. We'll come to your show, but only under one condition.

You know those snakeskin pants of yours?

Yeah. You want me to wear those?

No.

Now, go ahead.

Bite it.

Ooh.

Mmm.

That's good.

You know, I was going to bring a bucket of chicken, you know.

But this is better.

Remember where we are.

A little more subtle.

Let's just sit here and take each other in with our eyes.

Okay. Damn, that was hot.

You know, I got to tell you, out of all the girls I've been with,

it's nice to be with her.

And it's nice for me to be with someone who's exuberant and passionate.

Most guys I date are just boring and pretty much set in their ways.

Not me.

I like new things.

Now give me some more of that cat food on a cracker.

Oh, what's in the gay box?

I'm surprising Lila with a few of her favorite things.

Foie gras, French merlot, and me, completely shaving.

Sure going to a lot of trouble for someone who's just another notch in your

belt. You know, Lila's not just a notch, all right? She's someone special.

She's a real woman, all right? She doesn't call me all the time.

Her milk in her fridge isn't expired.

She's got pillows on her bed we don't even use.

At least not to sleep on.

At her age, she's got pillows under her eyes, too, huh?

I don't know why you're going on a picnic. Hot woman, sex pillows, good

I'd never leave the house.

Wait, you're going on a picnic? You said you were coming to my play.

I mean, that's just what I heard.

You know, through the grapevine.

Wait a minute.

You went behind my back and asked our roommates to go to your play?

I thought we weren't doing that.

Ernest, you did it, too.

You asked me.

Yeah, but I didn't get caught.

Until now.

Fine. You know what? Let's just let them decide.

No pressure, no guilt.

Never was, never will be. Sure, yeah.

So, you guys, which would you rather see, the greatest playwright of all

Or the greatest blues man of all time?

Well, we'd actually see... BB King.

I mean, he's still alive.

Right?

But we'll come to your play tomorrow night. We promise.

You already promised.

What are you doing here?

It's a beautiful day for a picnic.

How sweet.

But I've got other plans.

Other plans?

Oh, great.

What are we going to do?

I'm sorry, Daryl, but I'm busy.

Oh.

Well, that's cool. You know, as long as you're not getting busy with another

guy.

You're not, are you?

Baby, we've been having a lot of fun.

But I'm doing something else tonight.

And a word of advice, never show up at a woman's house unannounced.

Why? Because you look a mess?

guys looking forward to bb king tonight but we're not going i did not squeeze

into these jeans just to stay home this time we're going to see brianna's play

all right she needs our support well did she really need all of us how about if

lisa just goes no we're all going let's go come on oh

look who's home just in time to go see shakespeare run save

yourself

I can't believe it.

Lila sent me away.

She said she had other plans.

Yes!

How could she do this to me?

We have something special.

Dude, you know the only way to get over a broken heart is to immediately start

stalking her.

As in right now.

And who better to help you than a professional stalker?

Play along. I hate Shakespeare.

I would like to see who my competition is.

Sorry, Arnaz. As much as I'd like to go to Brianna's play, my boy needs me right

now. I could go alone. You need me.

Check this guy out. He's amazing.

Yeah, he's great.

You know, how does someone this talented, End up here.

Guessing he crawled out from his box over there.

Maybe he's down here because he passed up opportunities.

You know that playing for B .B. King would be great for your career.

And what you're doing tonight is very sweet, but Brianna knows that you

her. And missing her opening night wouldn't change that.

So you think I'm making a mistake?

Yeah. I think if you don't play at that fundraiser, you'll only regret it later.

Tell Brianna that I love her and that I'm sorry.

I will.

Good luck.

What's going on?

Arnaz wants you to tell Brianna that he loves her and that he's sorry.

Good night!

Arnaz! Hey!

Hey, Brianna.

Hey!

I wanted to tell you to break a leg.

Oh, my gosh, Lisa. Thank you so much for coming.

Oh, is everybody else outside?

Lots of people just knowing you know.

Hey, you don't need us.

We know you're good.

You are here to show all of those people out there how good you are.

Huh?

Thanks, Lisa.

So wait, how come you're here?

Because I care about you the most.

They ditched you, huh? Pretty much.

Yo, Cashman, what's taking you so long?

Are we gonna stalk Lila or what?

We're stalking her.

Dude,

we've been here all night. In the business, we call this an empty

house.

But I know there's a guy in there.

Just haven't seen him yet.

Fine, we'll stay longer.

Glad I came prepared.

Man's best friend, the girly magazine.

Well, hello, Ms.

Groundhog's Day.

Even your shadow looks sexy.

I can't believe Lila's got some guy in there. I mean, what's he have I don't

have? I'm young. I got game.

I mean, look at me. I'm sexy, damn it.

Right, Cash?

You're talking to the wrong kind of bush.

Dude, I'm serious, man.

I mean, what's wrong with me?

You know, it shouldn't be this hard to find someone special.

Look at Brianna and Arnaz.

I think it's kind of cool how tight they are.

Tight like she's choking the life out of them?

No, like a wifey you can chill with and share things with.

Wow.

I knew you were sprung. I didn't know you changed sexes.

Kid all you want, but they have something special.

You know, I didn't realize how good that felt until I felt that with Lila.

I'm gonna have to go tell her, man.

Right now.

Uh -oh.

What? Trouble.

Why? Because you're seeing the man behind the myth?

No. Because I'm seeing the woman behind the man behind the myth.

Here comes Lila.

Don't worry, man. I got your back.

Okay, Lila, I know you think I'm crazy, but there's a reason why my boy Cash and

I are hanging outside your window.

Who's Cash?

My man right here.

All right, look, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I care for you.

And if you cut that guy in there loose, I can prove it to you. Matter of fact,

bring him out here and I'll get rid of him.

There's no guy in there.

Unless you're worried about a 50 -year -old bald man named Morty who's doing my

taxes.

Oh, I can help him. I'm good at math.

Daryl, as cute and charming as you are, you're just a little too young to handle

a casual relationship.

But I thought we were more than that.

Clearly. You can see that now with the night vision goggles and the imaginary

friend.

Well, this is goodbye.

Au revoir, mon ami.

That thing look beautiful to you, too.

Hey, man.

Ah!

Don't do that, man.

I do entreat your grace to call you new.

I know not by what power...

Anyone could have been there. Would have been nice if someone caught me after my

stage dive.

Rihanna! Bravo!

Listen, I am so sorry that I couldn't make it to your play. But I did get you

half a pretzel.

Good night.

So, how'd the opening night go?

Baby, I had the greatest time tonight.

I finally feel like I got to do what I came out here to do.

Me too. I was awesome. I played the guitar like I was on stage at Madison

Garden. Wow, this is the most excited I've seen you about anything since we've

been in L .A.

Well, except for that time you thought Halle Berry was flirting with you.

Yes, she was.

I know it was a parade, but I'm telling you, I was the one she was waving at.

Well, I wish I could have been there to see you play.

Yeah, I wish I could have seen you, too.

I guess I'm kind of used to always seeing you out there in the audience,

but at least you're there.

Well, don't worry. There'll be plenty of other times for me to see you. I mean,

this is the beginning for the both of us.

But, baby, that's what worries me.

What happens when we get successful?

How are we going to handle it if I have a play in New York and you have a

concert in, I don't know, Japan?

I mean, it won't be easy, but we'll work it out.

That's what couples in love do.

Right?

Right.

Love you too, Netta.