Original subtitles

Brianna, Christmas vacation is only a week. You have no stuff in here to close

the entire country of Haiti.

Arnaz, you never know when a holiday party might jump off. A sister needs to

have 30 pairs of shoes.

We're going to give everyone their gifts now. The taxi to the airport is going

to be here any minute.

Christmas Eve morning, ladies.

Arnaz and I wanted to give you your gifts before we head off to Baltimore.

Thanks, Lisa.

What? Lisa?

I'm sorry, Brianna. I'm just in a hurry. Chip and I are off to his vacation home

in Santa Barbara.

Wait, so you're dissing your family just so you can have a rendezvous with your

boss? Correction.

Rich boss.

Soon to be rich husband.

My mom is in a trailer park in Iowa. Trust me, she's rooting for me.

after my parents spend the entire evening telling me I'm an embarrassment

Filipino race.

Well, you know what? Here, take two.

It was for the mailman, but you're more depressed than any postal worker could

ever be.

Holiday!

Oh, Merry Christmas Eve morning, fella.

Sorry, I don't do holidays. They're way too commercial.

That's why I'll be in Palm Springs trying to photograph a famous family at

Christmas. So I can sell it!

I'm with Cash. Christmas is overrated. You know what I'm saying? This year, I'm

boycotting the family's e -trip. Brothers on skis is just unnatural, you

Weren't you people raised by Grinches? Christmas is the best, and do you know

why? Yeah.

Finals are over and school is out, and I get to lay around in my drawers all

day, made in China.

No, because we get to go back home to Baltimore where it's cold during

instead of being here where it feels like Fourth of July.

This weather, great.

Woo, 85 degrees.

It feels like the Fourth of July.

Man, I love Christmas in L .A.

Ho, ho, ho.

Man, he has a Christmas spirit.

Oh, no, man ain't got three loose women in the back of his El Camino.

All right, we got our favorite Christmas movie, her favorite wine, and my

favorite, big -ass turkey.

Ain't nobody home. Take that, take that.

Hey, what are you two doing still here?

God canceled Christmas.

All flights to Baltimore were canceled. There's a snowstorm on the East Coast.

little Christmas right here in Venice.

Baby, Christmas in California is not Christmas.

I want snow. I want to ice skate. I want to sing Christmas carols by a blazing

fire.

Ooh, we can sing Silent Night to the fire eater on the boardwalk.

Yeah, Chip's mother, right? The one he's always complaining about? Yeah. Well,

it turns out she's actually his wife.

He married his mother?

Oh, you're better off. You don't want to be in that family.

Oh, hell, not you too.

Oh, I see.

You guys tried to ditch me, huh?

Look, it's not what you think, all right?

Nagging Nancy was the wife and not the mama, and God closed Baltimore.

boss's son to dinner just so I could meet him?

It's just dinner, Lethal. What's wrong with that?

Hello? My parents still believe in arranged marriage.

Besides, this guy didn't have a strand of hair on his entire body.

It'd be like dating a newborn.

Hey, what's all this?

Holiday movies, all this food.

You got your fade touched up.

Smelling like juice and berries.

hair grease.

You got a woman coming over.

What?

I used to date a Laker, but I didn't even get a ring out of it.

So, uh, were you expecting company, D -Mac?

Company?

Uh... Uh... All right, all right, y 'all got me.

Yeah, I was planning on having a special friend over, but, uh, I guess now I

have to cancel. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Daddy's got a heart to break.

How desperate do you have to be to go out with Z -Mac on Christmas Eve?

How does my hair look?

Baby, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever.

Brianna, it's still Christmas.

Can't we just make the most of it here?

Right, like what am I supposed to do? Bring balls from the water?

you guys get the full East Coast experience.

Sarah, being from Iowa, I thought you would have missed the cold winters.

as much as I miss barn raisings and hoedowns.

Hoedowns, those sound warm.

All right, well, my special Christmas cookies will be ready any minute.

But while we're waiting, there's nothing like a cup of hot apple cider on a cold

winter's night.

Should we pour this directly onto our frozen body parts?

Including reindeer.

I said reindeer, not reindeer.

Give me a treat.

All right, come on, you guys. I'll turn off the A .C. if you help us decorate

the tree.

You mean the Christmas bush?

Oh,

Cash is now home, too.

But see, he was smart enough to kick his own ass before he came home.

Well, I was on my stakeout in Palm Springs and I spot Ben Affleck with Baby

Bennifer when all of a sudden Jen Garner jumps on me from behind and beats me

like a naughty schoolboy.

Ah, I think I'm in love.

So why the rest of you home? Oh, all snowed out, hello Mrs.

Chip, and love Filipino staff.

Bummer. Knew it. Are you crazy? That was your only chance.

little crabs and Fanta hats.

Here's our chant.

Let's push her in the oven.

Come on.

I know Brian's behaving like Santa's little helper on crack.

But this is our first Christmas away from home.

Can't we all just play along?

All right.

I got it.

Oh, Dios mio.

Santa did get my letter.

At least Navi daddy.

Esperanza! I guess you didn't get my message.

Well, it turns out I have company.

Well, that's okay. The more the merrier, huh?

I like this girl.

Can I take pictures?

I really think the whole fiery Latin girlfriend thing is overrated. You know,

Asian is the new...

babysitter? Come on, girls. You can help with the turkey. What?

Dude, she's your nanny?

If the wet nurse is coming, shotgun.

Look, man, the only reason why I invited her over here was because she was going

to be all alone on Christmas Eve.

Not to mention the cook.

Oh,

is there a problem with the plumbing?

What y 'all doing in here?

Oh, never mind.

Oh, what a bed.

This is for the turkey.

Who is you calling Turkey Chiquita?

At least let me tie one on first before you start all that name calling.

Okay, you guys, I know I shouldn't, but it is Christmas Eve.

Manny?

Would you like to join us for dinner?

I think I'll be having turkey in my room.

Stop coming on to me, Sarah!

Thanks for the invitation, but I already got plans.

And the first one involves you, my frothy frall line.

Look at them, Arnaz.

They need a big dose of Christmas spirit.

Ooh, I'll spike the eggnog.

No, that thing we were saving for Christmas morning needs to happen right

Brianna, you can't force... I said do it.

Well, all the food is in the oven.

plenty of company.

I'm going home to my own family.

Wait, family?

DMACC said that he was doing you a favor because you were lonely.

I ain't say all that. See, why you lying on Christmas?

She just thought because her little trip didn't work out.

Ay, Terelito, you don't have to be embarrassed.

Ay, ever since he was five and his parents didn't take him on their ski

it's been our tradition to watch movies and stuff our faces.

while we wait for Santa Claus, huh?

Oh, T -Mac, on the night before Christmas, waiting for Santa with your

teddy bear and footie pajamas across your tight little booty.

And to all a good night.

Esperanza, you ruined my street cred.

But you should be.

Don't worry, D -Mac. We understand. No one wants to be alone on Christmas.

You speak for yourself, Mad Santa.

Merry Christmas. Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas.

Okay,

you guys. We have a surprise for you.

Now, I know you really haven't felt the Christmas spirit, but that's all about

to change. Come on, follow me.

I've already felt the Christmas spirit.

Jennifer beat me with a baby Jesus from their nativity scene.

Guys, move it so slow.

Get close together.

We a family.

All right, everybody, close your eyes and get ready for a real taste of

Baltimore. Okay, Arnaz, now!

Hey,

it's snowing.

Isn't it cool?

Manny had a leaf blower and Arnaz picked up some fake snow from the dollar

store. Oh, and by the way, don't get any of this in your eyes.

What is he blowing out there?

You are supposed to be an angel of mercy. Where's your Christmas spirit?

I'm Jewish.

Now, you have a seat, and I will call you when the doctor's available.

Happy Hanukkah.

Um, Christmas is ruined.

Arnez may never walk again, and it's all my fault.

What was that about not walking?

Excuse me, cutie. Have you been naughty or nice? Because either way, I got a

little something to stuff in your stocking.

That would be disturbing if it wasn't the best offer I've had all year.

Of course, the year's not over.

What do you think, DMACC?

Well, I think you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it is

looking you in the knee.

So, Rudy, what are you doing for New Year's Eve?

I'm free after my gig as the baby knew you. Why don't you give me a call?

Hey, here's my card.

Arnaz Ballard, you're going to X -Ray.

Thank you guys so much for coming down, but you don't have to stay. If you leave

now, maybe you can salvage what's left of your Christmas.

This Christmas is nothing but jingle hell.

Tell me about it. If Jennifer Garner hadn't kicked my ass, this Christmas

be a total bust.

Still can't believe Esperanza would rather be with her own family instead of

on Christmas Eve.

And I've seen her kids.

They ain't that cute.

Hey, guys, let's get out of here. I'm going out with Rudy on New Year's Eve.

I better start practicing my crouching.

Why are you here dressed up like Santa?

Oh, see, I made an appearance down at the mall, and since I was all dressed up

with nowhere to go, I figured I'd come down to the hospital and talk to all the

hot ladies.

Ooh.

Hey, sugar bloomers.

I love the emergency room. They can't run away.

Oh, there you are, Manny.

Listen, now, I know it's late, but the kids refuse to go to bed unless they get

an arm...

All right, you got me.

I do this every year. There's nothing worse than a kid spending Christmas in

hospital. Wait, wait, wait. I know this part.

And the Grinch's heart grew 12 times that night.

Manny! Come on, the kids are waiting.

Merry Christmas, Dad Beats!

Hey,

who would believe it? Manny, of all people, has a Christmas spirit.

No, even...

have it worse than we do i don't like myself right now more than usual you

know there is a way to fix this we all pitch in so lisa can go to therapy no

can fix lisa but we can fix our christmas spirit come on

I've got to admit, bringing all this stuff from the house was a great idea.

I think we've made these people a little happier.

Can someone help me?

I've been shot.

Oh, what a pretty tree.

You know what?

This is the Christmas spirit that Brianna wanted us to have all along. I

know why we let Lisa get in the way of that.

We made you feel bad when all you were trying to do was make our crummy

Christmas better.

Well, I hope you can forgive us.

Oh, of course I can.

Oh, I'm so lucky to have you guys and to be spending this Christmas with my new

family. You know what?

Now that I think about it, this is the first Christmas I've spent with a real

family in a long time.

Oh, that was great.

I love It's a Wonderful Life.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

That part always gets to me.

Did you cry?

It's for my date.

You know what?

This Christmas turned out really good after all.

Just goes to show you, it's not where you spend Christmas, but who you spend

with.

Love you too, Netta.