Original subtitles

Can you turn it off?

Yep.

Hi, Mom. Just thought you might want to hear from Arnaz and I. Here we are at

our new house in California. It's right by the beach.

And no, we're not having sex.

Oh.

Well, I just finished my first week of college, and everything's going great. I

look so cute. Well, except for today. My hair kind of needs a hot comb.

But, oh, Daddy's been helping me get settled in. But he won't leave.

What? Dad?

All right. Now step inside and check out our new home.

Who am I kidding? I look fabulous.

Call me if you're rich.

Uh, this is... This is for my mom.

Oh!

Hi, Rihanna's mom.

Good job marrying a celebrity and then getting a divorce.

We should talk.

What's going on?

Oh, hi, D -Max. Say hi to my mom. I'm sending her a video letter. Oh, yeah,

that's right. Your mom's in Africa. Yo, what's up?

Hey, look, I just want you to know that I, too, am from Africa.

By way of Malibu.

Yeah, I'm in Malibu because I was snatched from my motherland.

I plan on coming there one day, but get at me on the hotel situation, because

this brother don't do huts. All right?

Dignity.

And this is Cash. He's going to be a filmmaker someday.

And I wasn't asked to shoot this video, but my feelings aren't hurt, because I'm

better than that.

That's totally the wrong lens.

Hack.

All right.

And over here is our last roommate, Lisa. We have art history together. So

that what you're studying right now? Uh -huh.

I didn't know men wearing tighty -whities was considered art.

Obviously, you haven't seen page four.

I'd like to frame and mount this guy, huh?

Sure.

So, before we cut off, let's go get a shot of our cute little porch.

Come on.

Oh, no.

And this is our landlord, Manny. You might recognize him as Little Manny from

Manny of the House.

Oh, maybe my catchphrase will help jog your memory.

It wasn't me.

Yeah, both his sitcom and his clothes were last seen in the 80s.

All right, well, that's everything, Mom.

See, you have nothing to worry about. I love you, and I miss you.

Hey, hey, and if you look anything like your daughter, give me a ring -a -ling

-a -ling.

Little Maggie done grew up.

Little Maggie done grew up.

was chicken.

Tonight is shrimp.

Shrimp flavored.

Do you know what else is shrimp flavored? Cat food. I'd rather eat that.

Well, I would too, but I can't afford it.

You know what? I'm about to go check our savings and see if we can have a decent

meal.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, move to California with your spoiled girlfriend and no money. Good

call my dad and see if he can take us out to dinner.

Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't toss the noodles.

Are those shrimp?

Hey, guys, guess what's in Lisa's purse?

Expired condoms and an unopened box of Tic Tac?

No, that's what's in your purse, Biatch.

All right, Daddy says we're on for dinner.

Did it work?

It worked for me. I got his number.

No, Manny doesn't allow any pets.

Well, if we keep him away from the liquor cabinet, Manny will...

his ex -wife. See, they my specialty.

Low self -esteem, low expectations, and having somebody else's money.

Now I'm here on business.

Now I'm about to go upstairs and drink my malt liquor martini.

Any of y 'all want to join me?

How about you, Hip Hop Barbie?

He's not trembling. He and the oven mitt are getting it on.

Doggy style.

I'm tired of getting shot down at these clubs.

Every audition is the same thing.

Wow, it's like you were there.

Watching Spanish soap operas. Noches calientes.

Hot night.

You guys don't speak Spanish.

Please, I speak woman in any language.

I see Maria here is mad at Alejandro because he doesn't spend enough time

her, right? So she goes and hooks up with Carlos, the pool guy, to talk.

Next thing you know... She's getting her pool cleaned.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Arnaz. Notice anything different about me?

Uh, hair, fool. Don't you know anything about women?

Wait a minute.

Where'd you get the money to get your hair done?

I used my resources and intelligence.

There is nothing an independent woman can't do.

Hey, baby, you left your bags in my car.

Oh, thank you for taking me shopping, Daddy.

Hello, Mr. Washington.

Boy.

Look, I was wondering if I could call you Flex and you could call me by my

Sure, as long as your name is Boy.

Sweetie, I don't... forget, I'm leaving for Oakland for the weekend to interview

Randy Moss, so we are going to the Ivy for dinner tonight.

Oh, cool. I always wanted to try that restaurant.

Well, when you do, I'm sure you'll like it.

Tonight is just for Brianna and her daddy.

Yeah, when you're not around, she calls me daddy.

What? What?

Speak up.

I said, when I get older, I'm going to buy me a caddy.

Really? Because I have my money on you becoming a caddy. Thanks.

Thanks for everything, Daddy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see how my new fabulous hair looks with

my new fabulous clothes.

My daddy bought me.

Man, you need to get a job so you can take care of your woman, homie. Yeah, if

you don't, she'll always go running back to her daddy.

You think I don't want to provide for Brianna?

You can go right outside and make money playing on the boardwalk, dog.

You think I'm that good?

No.

make any money as a musician.

Just give me a sign.

Thanks for not putting wings on elephants.

Wow. Hey, thanks.

Wow. So what song do you want to hear?

The sound of this oil being... lathered across your six -pack.

I don't know that one.

Here, get to rubbing.

Okay.

I think he's missing. Why do you care? I thought you didn't like the dog. I

don't. But every time something's missing, she blames me.

See, now, if it was a black dog, she wouldn't care.

Help your boy out, man.

Here, boy.

Well, we looked.

Ooh, you gonna be in trouble.

Why me? We all here.

Not me. I was at school back.

Here, doggy.

Stupid dog.

A worthless.

Can't even fight.

That cat whipped his ass yesterday.

Hey, guys, you rallied for school yet?

Why, yes, she did, Daisy Duke.

Uh, can you move out of my eyeline? I can see your boss hog.

You mean boss hog as in Washington Lincoln? And yes, a Jackson?

Wait a minute. Hold up, hold up. Tight shorts, sunglasses, coconut oil.

You didn't go boogie nights on us, did you?

Look, all I had to do was take off my shirt and start playing the guitar, and

the next thing you know, women were swarming on me like... like women to

That's what we're talking about. Maybe now you can take your girl to a nice

restaurant. You know, one without a playground out front.

Well, that's crazy.

What do we do before the dinner comes?

This cute little dog belongs to... Me! He's mine!

We almost had a heart attack.

Both guys aren't secure enough to have a little cutie like this.

What's his name?

Bentley. Like my car.

Yeah. It's Daddy's car.

Hi, my name is Cash.

As in, he don't have none.

And I mean money or debt.

candles and they're lit.

This place is for grown -ups.

You sure you can afford all this?

I have money now. I'm a hit on the boardwalk.

Now I can finally give you the world.

First, I'm going to give you this.

Excuse me.

I saw you on the boardwalk and I loved your show. You have an amazing body.

Of work.

Lots of music.

I have plenty of music to choose from.

They love it all.

Yes, we do.

Wow, baby, your first fan.

You know what? I'm so proud of you for taking your music so seriously.

So when can I come check out the show?

You can.

I mean, it's a little kinky right now. I mean, I'm working out the kinks.

But baby, I don't think I can wait.

Oh, so is it true?

Appetizers only. Baby steps, baby.

Baby steps.

Eat up, Bentley, and we hitting the mall later.

And if you give me a date, I'll pay Lisa to let you hump her leg again.

Wait, do you really think cruising the mall with a dog dressed like 50 Cent is

gonna get you women?

Not without the snuggly.

Look, just keep your dog away from my shoes, okay?

The guy only has my size in his van like once a month.

Just give it to somebody else.

Besides, I saw a really hot guy giving away kittens.

You are staying your hot ass home.

Oh, I'm going to miss that little dog.

Well, not as much as the oven it is.

No way the dog stays.

He's a babe magnet.

Who's the little babe magnet?

I mean, uh, the dog's cool.

Fine. Then I guess I'll just have to call Manny.

I wouldn't dare.

Watch me.

Oh, is it a problem with the plumbing?

Don't mind if I do.

Cash has a dog. What?

See, I knew there was a dog here. Hand him over. That's the rule.

He is cute like me.

Well, I guess you guys can keep him if you give me a $1 ,000 pet deposit.

Man, you know we can't afford that.

Okay, well, I'll take the dog. Come on, doggy.

I can't believe you guys did this to me after all I haven't done for you.

Come on, little frosty freeze.

Oh, look at you bubbling all up on me.

Thank you all for joining the musical.

I like to call Arnaz by the Pacific.

Any requests?

Take off your clothes.

Yeah!

Are you sure you don't want to hear a song first? I've been practicing.

Take it off and we'll take it off for you.

Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!

Is this what you wish?

Yeah!

Come on!

Okay, you guys, stay in front of me. I don't want Arnaz to see me. I make him

nervous. He's a little...

money and being the man in the relationship, you're going to keep

your dad.

You know how hard it is to compete with your dad? He buys you everything.

Boo!

What? My daddy loves me.

Well, I love you too.

Why do you think I'm doing all this?

He's doing it for me.

Okay, this is your last warning before I get East Coast on you.

Look, baby, you don't have to compete with my dad. You can't. He has a lot of

money and I'm his only daughter.

Of course, maybe I do need to wean myself off of him, but let's be real,

no daddy patch.

But it's going to be hard, but I know we can do this without you having to take

your clothes off.

That's a relief to hear.

I thought I was going to have to buy you clothes and buy you shoes and get your

hair done.

Of course you don't have to, baby.

But if you want to, I am not going to stop you.

pool cleaned a lot.

Hey, baby.

Oh, hey, Daddy. You ready for dinner? I got us reservations at Spago's. I just

told them I was Marlon Williams.

Uh, actually, Daddy, there's been a change in plans.

Arnaz, my man, is taking us out for dinner. He got a new job.

Little Philip Michael Thomas works?

Yes, Arnaz does.

In fact, we're having dinner at his place of employment.

Okay, Mr. Washington, let's hear the jokes.

No, jokes on me, man. I mean, who would have thought that you would have been

responsible enough to get a job?

Is that the best you got?

No, uh, you want fries with that or speak loud into the clown, please?

No, I'm serious.

I want someone to help take care of my daughter.

And for some reason, she insists on it being you.

Yes. All right. All right, let's go.

Let's go eat.

Hey, so, uh, do we get out of the car or will the waitress on a roller skate

serve us?

Aw, look at my boo. He gets his first paycheck and buys everybody ice cream.

Can I borrow five bucks? I don't have enough.

What? Yo, lunch wasn't cheap.

You wanted cheese and your dad got the monster fries.

Hey, there's Manny with our dog.

Poor thing traded down from the oven, then.

Hey, kids.

Don't hey kids us.

You dog jacked us.

Yeah.

Dog jacker.

Oh, that sounds like a movie.

I could sell that over at Paramount.

Yo, I see you guys are out for a walk.

Have you done your business yet, Manny?

Oh,

no, but I'm about to get to business.

Little Manny here's a babe, Manny.

Yeah. No kidding.

Watch the match.

Look at that cute little dog.

He's almost as cute as you.

You want to go behind the dumpster and make out?

Love you too, Netta.