All language subtitles for one_on_one_s03e02_stepmom_misstep

Bride. Modern bride.

And my favorite bride, Sally Bride.

Daddy, Natalie's not going to look at
wedding magazines.

What you need is a grand gesture, like a
room full of roses, ooh, or a $4

million ring.

Sweetie, with all due respect, and by
that I mean mind your business,

a 30 -year -old, never -been -married
woman.

Man, I could take her to Denny's and
this whole thing would blow over.

But that's just cheap, Daddy.

Trying to buy her love with eggs over my
hammies.

Now me, I take her on a vacation.

A romantic getaway is the perfect way to
say I'm frequently wrong. Get used to

it.

If I don't need to take her on a
vacation to win her love, nothing would

woman happier than planning our wedding.

I'm not planning a wedding with a
married man. Are you crazy?

Check out page 30. The taffeta's tight,
y 'all.

But you haven't heard the best part.

I'm also going to take you on a
vacation.

A vacation?

Yes, a romantic island getaway.

Sunset Island, a tropical island
paradise.

Where Cupid doesn't shoot you with a
bow, he shanks you in the heart.

Will he be shanking us from a penthouse
suite with an ocean view?

You can't put a price on shanking.

Wait, where have I heard this whole
island idea before?

Oh yeah, at the mall.

meet my father this weekend.

So what day is best for you? I'm
thinking Sunday because he should meet

on that day.

No, I'm sorry, man. I promised Natalie
I'd take her on a romantic getaway.

Please. I mean, when is she going to get
over this me still being married thing?

Fiancé, what you going to do?

I'm going to run out to the corner and
bring her back a salad.

Would you mind entertaining her while
I'm gone? I'm still doing damage

Oh, you can't do me a favor, but I'm
supposed to entertain your girlfriend

minute you ask me for one?

I bring you back some Melba toast.

Oh.

Sounds like you just earned yourself
some jazz hands.

Oh, hey, Nat.

So I hear the wedding is back on.

Ah, it was never off. I just had to make
them dance.

Girl things?

Yeah.

Well, you know what? I'm happy for you.
I think you're going to make a great

wife to Flex and a great stepmom to
Little Miss Sass.

Wow.

Stepmom? Yeah, you were going to be
there for all the teenage wonder years.

The name calling, the door slamming, the
visits from social services.

Oh, God, you're lucky.

I never thought about that.

I mean, I've thought about that, but I
never thought about that.

Now you've got me thinking about that.

talk to me.

No, you don't want any part of this.

You're lucky you're going away this
weekend. I'm just going to sit here, eat

some Oreos, and listen to Mary J. Blige.

The queen of hip -hop pain.

No, you shouldn't be by yourself.

Come with me and your dad to Sunset
Island. You should be around family.

No, it's okay. I've got my heartache to
keep me company.

And then spirit will be the cherry on my
sundae and sorrow.

Well, spirit can come too.

Dwayne, you... You don't think Flux
would mind, right?

Uh, yeah. What's a romantic getaway
without two teenage girls?

Oh, thank you, Natalie.

Hi, Daddy. Hey, baby.

Here we go. A Greek salad for my Greek
guys. Perfect timing. I'm starved. Oh,

the way, I asked Brianna to come with us
this weekend. Oh, was that Melva Toast?

Oh, mine, mine, mine.

Uh, what was that madness about Brianna
coming with us? I'm sorry. She just

seemed so depressed.

If you want, I could go tell her she
can't come. That is, if you want me to

like an evil stepmom.

Natalie, she's a teenager. You can't go
back on your word. It just gives them an

excuse to run off and have sex.

Thank you, sweetie.

Speaking of sex, Brianna coming along
with us means we have to be very

So when I say I'm going to get some ice,
I'm not really going to get some ice.

Guess what?

Okay, so now when I say I'm going to get
some ice, I'm probably really going to

get some ice.

Oh, look at this room. It feels like my

love life.

Drab, faded, and full of funk.

Man, this doesn't look anything like the
room in the brochure.

Look, see? See the room in the brochure?
Ain't no crust on the curtains.

I want the room and the brochure. Oh,
yeah, you'd have to go to the Hilton for

that. Yeah, we use their brochures.

Hey, you're all checked in and
everywhere else in town's all sold out,

Big college weekend.

College boys are not for this gal.

Oh, enjoy your stay.

Oh, I'll be sure to leave a mint on your
pillow, shawty.

Hey, you stay away from her pillow,
shawty.

I know you don't want no tip.

This place isn't so bad.

Hey,

at least the door covers the floor
stains.

I ain't complaining.

Free is free.

Let's all look on the bright side.

Hey, do we have a choice?

Natalie, a little lesson in parenting.
I'm trying to show the girls that

adversity builds character, and we can
all grow from this.

Just like the mushrooms growing in the
carpet.

Well, let's go see what's growing down
by the pool.

Now, sweetie, I know you're kind of
vulnerable right now. So when you guys

leave, I want you to look at the ground.

Don't make any direct eye contact with
these island boys.

Uh -uh -uh.

Eyes down.

What's up with that?

Lex, after everything Brianna's been
through, she's very delicate.

I just don't want to see our little girl
get hurt again.

I listen to you talking like a little
step -mommy. I know.

It's freaking me out.

Oh, baby, don't worry.

You're going to be great. I know you.

Besides, you'll be learning from the
master.

Lesson one, when the kids are gone, we
get it on.

You know what?

I don't think those girls have any
sunscreen.

Lesson two.

What's on pay -per -view?

Oh, love bunny, you want me to be there
with you when you meet your father.

I'd be honored.

Oh, see, that's why I asked you first,
my leggy lover.

See, I've been thinking. It's important
to make a good first impression.

I want him to see that I've grown up to
become a well -adjusted, successful,

honest man.

Oh, I understand, sweetie.

Yeah, that's why I need you to lie and
pretend to be my wife.

Candy, please.

I mean, the last time the man saw me, I
was crawling across the floor and

drooling. I want him to see how far I've
come.

Baby, come here. You got a little drool
right there.

Oh, sweet Moses, I'm regressing.

Candy, please help me, all right? I
don't want to be some weak, pathetic,

desperate loser.

For the love of God, Candy.

You've been my wife, woman.

Listen, I have had a lot of proposals to
waive, but this is the first time my

feet have gotten wet.

I'll pretend to be your wife. Really?

Yeah.

Thank you, my sweet concubine.

Oh, excuse me.

What do you want, Dwayne? Oh, and we
have a son, too.

Looks like the University of...

is on vacation.

Yeah, they're cute, but with Josh and
Anais, I had cute and adorable.

Forget about those high school boys.

Here come two frat brothers from Gamma
Phi Gorgeous.

Hi. You girls having a good time?

We are now.

Cool, cool. My name is Denver, and this
is my buddy Lance.

Well, I'm Spirit, and this is my
friend... Beyonce.

Beyonce. Beyonce.

I like it.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, tonight we're going to be hanging
at the hot tub if you want to stop by.

It should be pretty cool.

Well, if it's going to be cool,
shouldn't we call it the cool tub?

We'll see you there.

What was that?

Girl, I'm sorry. I'm still a little
rusty.

No worries. We just got dates with two
hot guys.

We should wear bikinis to school.

Hey, guys, I got some more brochures
from the Hilton.

If you stare at it long enough, it's
like you're there.

Here you go, sweetie.

This will keep the sun away.

Yeah, but what will I do when the farmer
comes to harvest me?

Rihanna Barnes, you put that hat on
right now.

Uh, Nat, no offense, but the only thing
scarier than that fat guy with the water

wings... is that hat.

Girls, why don't you go get some sodas?
I need to talk to your father.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Flex, I don't appreciate you undermining
my authority in front of the girls.

Baby, no one's undermining you. I'm just
saying you need to lighten up. I know

you're trying to do your stepmom thing,
but remember, she's 16.

And 16 -year -olds, they don't wear
fruit hats.

Well, maybe not in Baltimore, but in
Spanish Harlem, we rock the fruit hats,

Poppy.

Brianna's nursing a broken heart, and
I'm just trying to be there for her.

Look, I know you mean well, but you
can't protect her from everything.

She's bound to get sunburned and
heartbroken.

Right now, being a good stepmom means
giving her room so she can move past her

heartbreak. You think you're pretty good
at this, don't you? Yeah.

I'm even better by the ice machine.

Baby, are these stilettos really
necessary?

Oh, they're necessary, but not for my
daddy.

For this daddy.

Okay, if I were actually your son, that
would be inappropriate.

But since I'm not, why don't we ditch
the little guy and get a cup of coffee?

You can't handle all this, Arnaz. Uh
-uh, his name's not Arnaz, remember.

But I hate the name you gave me. Don't
sass me, Kiki. Come on, boy.

All right, girl, let's hurry up and get
out of here before my dad and mommy

weirdest get back. I mean, Natalie's a
great teacher, but as a stepmom, she

needs to take a refresher course and
back off 101.

Yeah, I mean, outside of McKinley, she's
McCrazy.

Hey, girls.

Hi, Natalie. Bye, Natalie. Oh, wait,
wait, wait.

Natalie, it's nighttime.

We don't need sunscreen or moon screen.

Yeah, and we've already eaten, so we
don't need any hats.

All right, we'll be back. We have
friends waiting for us by the pool.

I don't know.

It's kind of late.

But you know what?

You're 16.

Go have fun. Whoop it up.

I've got to give you room to get past
your heartbreak.

Oh, thank you, Natalie.

And you know what? You're not just a
great stepmom.

You're step -pendant.

Bye, girls.

Flex is going to be so proud with how
I'm handling Brianna.

You did what?

You let her go to a pool at night with
friends?

Don't you know that's Brianna E's for
I'm getting in the hot tub with college

boys?

I didn't know. I was just trying to help
her move past her heartbreak.

Yeah, you helped her right into a
boiling hot cauldron of sex soup.

Lex, I should go get her. Oh, I don't
think so. You really stepped into

something this time, step -mommy.

Oh, hey, I brought the shampoo you guys
requested. Oh, that's great. That'll

come in handy when they turn the water
back on, Potsy.

Put out your hands.

I can't have the whole bottle?

Oh, no, sorry. The people in room 206
will be back soon.

I think they'd miss it.

Well, this is it.

Sweetie, I don't think he's going to
know you're here unless you go up there.

I don't think I can.

Yes, you can, Dad.

Remember when you, Mom, and I were lost
in that blizzard and you trekked 30

miles through snow to find help?

Well, Mother and I spooned for warmth.

You beat that frostbite, Dad, and you
can beat this.

Do it for us.

You're a good boy, Kiki.

Now stop groping your mama.

Hey, Brianna, what's the craziest thing
you've ever done in a hot tub?

Ooh, uh, the craziest? Um, so many hot
tub memories. Uh, this year?

Um, I'm str... Oh, ooh, that's up there.

Ah, so wet.

What's the craziest thing you... Ah,
just kidding.

Brianna, if you don't get your butt out
of those bubbles, I'm coming in.

But Natalie said we could come down
here.

Oh, is that the hot older chick with the
nice apple?

That's my guess. Are you talking about
your broke Maxwell?

You like apples. Then why are you going
after our peaches?

Maybe it's the wrong address.

I have a picture of some odd -looking
little girl in this box.

Oh, my God.

That's me.

She had long curly locks as a child.

Oh, sweetie, you were so cute.

So my dad did live here.

I mean, I don't get it. Is he running
from me? I think it's pretty obvious.

He's running from the little boy with
that perm.

Sweetie, didn't that private
investigator tell you that your dad's

I mean, maybe he's always on the run.

Candy, this address is all I had.

And I've been living for this moment.

I think you need a minute.

Kiki, let's go.

Get a move on it, you jacuzzi floozies.

Daddy, don't blame Spirit. She was just
trying to help me out of my funk.

I don't care, heartbroken or not,
sneaking and jumping into a hot tub with

college boys is wrong.

And you know it, don't you?

Don't you?

Yes, Daddy.

You two go on the balcony and think
about what you did.

Uh, Daddy, we don't have a balcony.

Grab one of the brochures from the
Hilton and stand in the alley.

Lex, I'm so sorry.

I really messed things up.

I don't know if I have what it takes to
do this like you do.

Sweetie, I shouldn't have been so hard
on you.

Anyway, you can't compare your stuff to
me.

I mean, come on. I've been doing this
for over two years.

It's all just so complicated. First I
try being tough on her, then you tell me

to go easy on her.

I'm more confused than a black
Republican.

It's okay, sweetie.

Because when we have a baby of our own,
you're going to be a super mom.

A baby of our own? Yeah.

Flex Junior.

If it's a girl, Flexinetta.

I don't think so.

Yeah, Flexinetta is a bit of a stretch.
We can work on that.

Flex, I don't want to have kids.

Honey, you had one bad weekend.

Now you need to take yourself out the
game.

I never planned to have kids.

What are you talking about?

You're a teacher.

You're great with kids.

Your whole life is kids.

Other people's kids. At 3 .30, I get to
give them back.

But you've been trying so hard to be a
good stepmom.

Well, yeah, I love Brianna. But she
dresses herself, she's potty trained,

two years, she's out the house.

Just to tell you.

Wanted to have kids.

I just assumed you didn't want any more.

I can't believe we never talked about
this.

We never talked about a lot of things.

Well, maybe we can start now.

Well, what's there to talk about?

I mean, you can't really compromise on
something like this, and... I've made up

my mind.

There's nothing I can do to change it.

I'm sorry, Flex.

I guess you'll be wanting this back.

No, uh -uh.

I bought it for you.

You keep it.

No, I wouldn't feel right.

It makes you feel better.

I didn't want it to end like this.

I didn't want it to end at all.

Goodbye, Natalie.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Goodbye, Beyoncé.

So, Daddy, you and Natalie aren't going
to see each other at all?

We're still going to be friends,
sweetie. We just both had different life

Hmm, friends, huh?

I'm going to transfer out of our class
just to be on the safe side.

Love you too, Netta.