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Welcome back to the Flex File. I'm here
with Baltimore wide receiver Dan
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McCracken, who's one game away from
breaking the record for most consecutive
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games played. A record usually held by
place kickers and their mascot.
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Are you belittling my record, Flex?
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Oh, no, not at all, man. Perfect
attendance is important.
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It's a good start for you.
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I see you brought a friend here with
you.
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Yep. As you know, Flex, I'm a big buddy.
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And my little buddy Jeffrey's here with
me today.
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How's it going, Jeffrey?
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It's always great when I'm with you,
champ.
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Ah, what an adorable kid.
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And he's as smart as a whip.
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Knows all my stats.
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Go ahead, tell him, Jeffrey.
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89 TDs, 10 ,812 yards receiving, and he
leads the league in hugs. Ah, give me
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some.
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Who needs a PR guy when you got a little
Jeffrey?
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00:00:55,349 --> 00:00:58,090
Now, speaking of stats, Dan, you caught
passes from the best.
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McNabb, Marino, Aikman.
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Let's see if you can handle one from the
Flexinator.
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All right. Give me your best. All right,
yeah. I've been working on this all
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week. You're not ready for the heat.
You're not ready for the heat. Go across
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the middle.
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On.
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On.
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I'm sure it's just a sprain. That bone
was poking out when you got here right
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there.
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queen at the Harvest Moon dance.
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How could I be a shoo -in when my best
friend, who's in charge of the whole
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thing, won't fix the vote?
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Do I look like a Florida Republican
who's named after shrubbery?
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I cannot fix the vote. Oh, all this
integrity coming from the only 10th
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banned from Atlantic City for counting
cards.
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Oh, it's my assistant, Big Mouth Janet.
She'll give us the latest on the poll or
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something.
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What's the word?
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Yeah?
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I mean, you got some big competition for
queen.
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And I do mean big.
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Ginger? Oh, I'm tired of that brick
house ruining my life.
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Curse you for not letting me drink whole
milk.
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Too little, too late.
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Hey, those were for McCracken.
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Oh, dog, I can't believe Dan McCracken
wouldn't see me. I tried giving him a
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call, sending him balloons. I just
wanted to apologize for ruining his
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of getting in the record books. Big
deal.
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For the kind of money he makes, I'd play
football without a helmet. Like you did
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in high school?
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I played in high school.
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Oh, hey, dawg, look. You're on the news.
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Channel 6 is running this?
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You know what's going on with 7?
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And 9.
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And 10.
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And 14.
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Man, even Metzivision's got you.
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Ay, Dios mio, Miraflex, Washington.
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This could hurt my reputation.
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They might pull my Mattress King ass.
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Ay, caramba!
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That's my one -man killing machine.
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Oh, how's the art, buddy?
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Mame anybody today I should know about?
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Not funny, Hank.
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You know, this McCracken thing is
haunting me. This morning I got mooned
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busload of senior citizens.
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You know, when I saw Baltimore's beloved
McCracken crumpled up on the floor
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writhing in pain.
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The only thing I could think about was
how to distance myself from you.
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But then the phone started ringing off
the hook, and the ratings shot through
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the roof, and now I'm having feelings
for you that I can't explain.
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And don't even try, Hank.
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I've become the man that people love to
hate.
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Well, Flex, you do to your little on
-air blunder, or should I say blessing,
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ratings have tripled.
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Oh, man, but I feel so, so horrible.
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Uh, triple, you say?
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I'm saying we're number one. Believe me,
I've tasted number two, and it is
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unsavory.
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Maybe you're right.
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If I ride this thing out, I mean, what's
the worst that could happen?
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Ginger for sophomore queen.
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Look at her. It's not fair.
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You didn't tell me I could hand out
favors for voles. Isn't that cheating?
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Well, Brianna, as chairperson of the
Harvest Moon Dance, I must remain
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impartial. Ginger's not...
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if you wished for a million dollars, I'd
get that, too. Well, why don't I just
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wish I get hit by a bus?
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She gets what I wish for, so if I get
hit, then she... Girl, you know what I
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mean.
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Whatever.
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Man, I wish my Josh was here. If I was
switching around the cafeteria like her,
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he would watch me like that, too.
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Brianna, you could never switch like
that.
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Yes, I can. Girl, watch me.
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I'm about to get his vote. Okay.
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Okay. Hey, Arnaz. How's my very special
friend?
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Doing very special. Thank you. Aw.
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Ooh. Seems like somebody's been working.
That old spirit used to feel his
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muscles. It's all big and strong.
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I'm not voting for you.
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Baby, you know, I'm going to start
drinking whole milk. And then one day,
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this is going to be like, bam.
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I'm sorry.
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Washington, you're down 15%.
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Don't tell me you want me to run down
one of the Orioles on my way home
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No, I would never ask you to do
something like that.
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Doesn't mean I wouldn't get in your car
and do it myself.
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Here's a ratings boost.
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I'm about to interview the latest tennis
pin -up, Susan DeLoach.
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What's so exciting about that? She's
ranked, like, number 24 on the tour. She
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can crush a tennis racket with her
thighs.
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Wow. I am Wimble Dunn.
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Looks like you got some fans, Susan. The
phones are lighting up. Chuck, you're
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on the air. Go ahead.
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Kraken's the man.
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Why did you hurt him?
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It was an accident, Chuck, and it was an
excellent pass.
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Do you have any questions for Susan?
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Susan, after I get through with that
man, he's going to look like that tennis
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racket you smashed, which was very
impressive, by the way.
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That sounds more like a statement than a
question.
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You have a stalker.
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Oh, this is what number one tastes like.
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I'm too pretty to die.
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to do? Promote the hell out of it.
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I'm serious, man.
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Well, Fletch, you're nobody till
somebody stalks you.
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I got a bad feeling about this, Hank. I
feel like the black guy in the opening
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credits of a horror movie.
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Buddy, please, you can't live in fear.
What you got to do is confront your
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stalker. You got to let him know you're
not afraid of him and berate him on the
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air. Okay.
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Maybe you're right.
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I got to be strong.
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Stand my ground, look him in the eye,
and let him know that he just can't
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my flow.
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That's what I'm talking about, buddy.
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We're on in five, four, three, two.
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Tonight, I'd like to direct my closing
remarks to you, Chuck.
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You picked the wrong brother to mess
with. I'm a mean man.
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If you even dream of hurting me, you
better wake up and apologize.
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You think you crazy?
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I'm crazy. I'm crazy.
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You can call me Skippy because I'm
nutty.
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And you're just a pitiful little man
hiding behind a phone.
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And a fax machine. We just got that.
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What's tall and skinny and folded in
half?
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00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:54,590
You and a steamer trunk.
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00:09:56,410 --> 00:10:00,430
I got one better. What has two thumbs
and ain't afraid of you?
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This guy.
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Good night, Baltimore.
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And we're out.
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Hey, you handled that great, buddy.
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00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:13,750
Yeah, way to show that nut job you're
not scared of it.
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00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:21,210
Rihanna, that is one to die for, Josh.
You're gonna look great at the dance.
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Yeah, but there's two things missing.
The crown and my new boyfriend.
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00:10:25,150 --> 00:10:27,730
Why does Josh have to go to that stupid
lacrosse tournament anyway?
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Because he's the captain and he's the
leading scorer.
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I know, girl. I just wanted to hear you
say it again.
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Well, I'd say that was a successful test
of the new security system.
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All you need now is a pit bull. I'll
call and see if Mom is available.
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Security system? Daddy, what's going on?
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00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:55,370
Baby, look, Daddy is not trying to scare
you, but there's a psycho trying to
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kill me!
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00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,760
another psycho. Daddy, Dwayne can hear
you.
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00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,100
No, an unknown psycho.
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00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:12,820
See, sweetie, in your eyes, I may just
be daddy, but to the rest of the world,
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I'm a celebrity.
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That's right.
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Mattress king for a royal night's sleep.
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That's why I got this top -of -the -line
system.
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You know, we're completely safe.
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It's like Fort Knox, and nobody can walk
up in here without us knowing about it.
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Hey, Fletch.
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He should lock that door. He got a
stalker.
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00:11:34,630 --> 00:11:35,650
Take a gander at that.
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00:11:35,970 --> 00:11:37,590
These are the highest ratings we've ever
had.
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We were the number one show in Baltimore
last night. Uh -huh. If that's not
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worth dying for, I don't know what is.
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00:11:44,330 --> 00:11:47,910
Now, look, I let you miss the program
this morning, but I need you back for
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tonight's broadcast.
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00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,130
I can't, man.
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00:11:50,150 --> 00:11:51,790
I have to stay here and protect Brianna.
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00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:54,050
Hank, I'm a dad.
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00:11:55,350 --> 00:11:57,730
We're all dads, playa.
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00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:03,390
It's just that you're a dad who's number
one on a local newscast, and you're
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00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,650
going to be an unemployed dad unless you
get back to work.
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00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:09,850
Don't answer that. That could be a
stalker. But it could be Josh. He's out
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00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:10,850
town.
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00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:12,310
Don't answer that.
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00:12:12,610 --> 00:12:13,610
Hello?
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00:12:16,390 --> 00:12:18,230
Okay, hold on. My bad. It's a stalker.
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00:12:19,710 --> 00:12:23,630
All right. Who are you, and how did you
get this number?
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00:12:23,890 --> 00:12:24,970
Forget it. Who are you?
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00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:26,710
And you're listening.
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00:12:29,870 --> 00:12:30,870
I'm not afraid of you.
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00:12:30,930 --> 00:12:31,970
Yes, you are.
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00:12:33,370 --> 00:12:34,370
Yes, I am.
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00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:39,390
Let me tell you what I'm going to do to
you for hurting the cracker. I'm going
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00:12:39,390 --> 00:12:41,770
to... That's my call lady.
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I'm late.
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00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:45,890
Okay.
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Thanks.
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00:12:48,670 --> 00:12:50,190
Hello? Still me?
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00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:51,610
Oh, sorry.
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00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:54,410
He's got another call.
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00:12:54,630 --> 00:12:57,450
You know, ask him if he can call back
tomorrow live at six.
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00:12:58,910 --> 00:13:02,870
Crazy. I'm on hold with the stalker.
That's it, Hank. I'm going to change my
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00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:06,590
phone number, stay locked up in here
with my baby girl until this stalker is
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00:13:06,590 --> 00:13:08,990
caught. But, Daddy, I can't stay locked
up in this apartment.
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00:13:09,270 --> 00:13:11,830
What about the dance? I'm going to be
queen. Tell him, Spirit.
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00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:15,210
Well, as chairperson of the committee,
I'm supposed to remain impartial. Will
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00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:16,350
you stop saying that?
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00:13:17,650 --> 00:13:21,090
I'm calling the police. Until they find
this stalker, Brianna, we're not leaving
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00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:22,090
this house.
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00:13:24,010 --> 00:13:26,130
Hello? Yeah, this is Flex Washington.
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00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:28,980
Yeah, that's right. The mattress king
guy.
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00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,320
See, I am a celebrity.
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00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,840
Sure. Yeah, I'll hold.
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00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:41,180
Okay, my dad's in his room watching the
game. By the time he realizes we're
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gone, I'm going to be crowned queen.
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00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,720
Well, potentially queen. As chairperson,
I can't wait. Just shut up and let's
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00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:46,720
go.
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00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:58,730
That's not his daughter. That's our new
bodyguard.
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00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:01,710
Life preservation specialist. Thank you.
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00:14:03,470 --> 00:14:04,470
This is Miles.
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00:14:04,570 --> 00:14:06,790
He's going to be staying with us for a
little while. Isn't he great?
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00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:09,390
Thank you, Mr. Washington.
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00:14:09,810 --> 00:14:11,450
It's so nice to be appreciated.
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00:14:12,050 --> 00:14:13,330
You're such a good guy.
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00:14:14,930 --> 00:14:16,610
I'll just sit right here.
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00:14:17,570 --> 00:14:20,410
Just pretend I'm not even here.
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00:14:20,830 --> 00:14:23,250
My specialty is camouflage.
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00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:34,520
scares me.
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00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:39,220
Daddy, this is so unfair. I want to go
to the dance.
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00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,840
It's just not safe out there, sweetie,
for either of us. Well, when is it going
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00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:43,759
to be safe?
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00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:44,760
Today? Tomorrow?
241
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,160
Next month? Next year?
242
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,600
My whole life is going to pass me by in
this house.
243
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,400
You know what?
244
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:54,440
You're right, sweetie. Put on your
dress. Put on your shoes. Get all
245
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,860
Oh, thank you.
246
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,080
Yeah, and I'm going to make you a crown
out of some aluminum foil and a cape out
247
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,080
of some bed sheets.
248
00:15:03,310 --> 00:15:05,150
You know, statistically, Mr.
249
00:15:05,350 --> 00:15:10,490
Flex, stalkers are more likely to find
you in your own home than in a public
250
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:12,610
place. The camouflage is right.
251
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,670
And anyway, who's going to mess with
that?
252
00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:20,630
She's right. Nobody can beat me.
253
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:26,690
Except my sister, Stacy. She's bigger
than me and got dimples you can swim in.
254
00:15:28,650 --> 00:15:30,590
And she's single.
255
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,820
Smell the clear as hell, see the
dancing, look at all the white boys off
256
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:47,179
Let's go.
257
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,820
But, Daddy, you promised.
258
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,660
Okay, but you got to stay right by my
side at all times.
259
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:52,880
Okay.
260
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:53,960
Ooh, spirit.
261
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,080
Flex,
262
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,880
don't worry about it. We'll keep an eye
on her. She will not leave my side. Ooh,
263
00:15:58,920 --> 00:15:59,920
punch.
264
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:02,760
Don't worry, Flex.
265
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,440
I'll never leave your side.
266
00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:06,420
Ooh, balloons.
267
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:08,920
This is your gift.
268
00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:12,790
All right, Miles, we got to keep our
eyes open at all times.
269
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:14,650
But these are all kids.
270
00:16:15,230 --> 00:16:16,290
I think we're safe.
271
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,170
No, no, no. See, but it's not the
children I'm worried about. It's the
272
00:16:20,170 --> 00:16:23,570
chaperones. Any one of them could be the
stalker. Like that one right there with
273
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:24,449
the missing finger.
274
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:25,710
He's probably the shop teacher.
275
00:16:25,990 --> 00:16:26,990
Shop teacher?
276
00:16:27,230 --> 00:16:28,950
Or chop teacher?
277
00:16:29,870 --> 00:16:31,970
You want me to check them out? Yeah,
check them all out.
278
00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:37,630
And I'll be hiding behind, I mean,
waiting bravely behind this plant over
279
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:53,000
sophomore king and queen. But before I
get to that, I'd like to discuss the
280
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,640
challenges of being a chairperson.
281
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,040
Uh, where's your man -man, Bree Bree?
282
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,400
Look, he's captain of the lacrosse team,
so... Mm -hmm.
283
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,280
Whatever. He ain't here.
284
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:09,200
Uh, Ginger, looks like Kiki's wearing
the same dress you've got on. What?
285
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,560
Where's that hoochie?
286
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,880
You look beautiful, Brianna. I don't
need you to validate me.
287
00:17:14,460 --> 00:17:15,460
You really think so?
288
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,740
Arnaz, did I just hear you smile?
289
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,619
That won't keep y 'all from speaking to
me in the hallway.
290
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,000
Anyway, now the moment you've all been
waiting for. This year's Harvest Moon
291
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,440
sophomore queen is...
292
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,680
But he's mine forever.
293
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,200
And I gave y 'all my cookies?
294
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:27,340
It's good to be a chairperson, huh?
295
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,640
This is more than a bit weird.
296
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,660
Maybe, but I like it.
297
00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:40,460
I'm going to be free.
298
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:42,680
My baby was right.
299
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:44,980
It was worth the risk.
300
00:19:14,410 --> 00:19:15,410
Say cheese.
301
00:19:15,470 --> 00:19:16,470
Cheese.
302
00:19:24,070 --> 00:19:25,070
Dan,
303
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,390
Jeffy, what are you two doing here?
304
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:34,070
Flex, Jeffy has something he needs to
tell you.
305
00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:35,790
Okay, little buddy.
306
00:19:35,890 --> 00:19:36,890
What's on your mind?
307
00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,850
You're the greatest sportscaster ever,
Mr. Washington.
308
00:19:40,730 --> 00:19:41,730
Jeffy.
309
00:19:43,310 --> 00:19:44,490
Okay, I'm your stalker.
310
00:19:46,650 --> 00:19:48,450
Sorry about that Steamer Trump stuff.
311
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:50,230
You? But why?
312
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:54,650
Because you hurt my big buddy. Look at
him. He's useless. He's a towel rack.
313
00:19:56,130 --> 00:20:00,170
And the worst part is the big buddy
program won't even trade him in for a
314
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:04,670
one. When we talk about forgiving people
and not stalking them after that last
315
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,630
incident, what do we say?
316
00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:08,350
Talk it out.
317
00:20:08,530 --> 00:20:09,770
Don't stalk it out.
318
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,900
Mr. Washington, I'll never do it again.
319
00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:16,840
I forgive you, little buddy.
320
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,000
Friends? Friends. Come here, man.
321
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:53,140
Love you too, Netta.
25360
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