All language subtitles for one_on_one_s02e09_a_crappy_birthday

Oh, good morning, Daddy.

Good time to chat. The women's football
league is having a press conference, and

I'm late.

Oh, first basketball, now football?

We women can play any sport we put our
minds to.

Eh, sport, pipe dream, sideshow, who am
I to judge?

Thanks for cooking.

Daddy, do you really think I'm sitting
around in my cheerleading outfit just

the fun of it?

No offense, but you've done stranger
things in the name of fun.

Daddy, I have cheerleading practice. You
said you'd take me. Can't you catch the

bus? Daddy, a teenage girl taking public
transportation, a dress isn't your

leader?

Give me a car.

Well, you know, Daddy, my 16th birthday
is coming up in three days and I'll be

driving, so we have to come up with some
sort of schedule for the car.

Okay, how about I drive my car and you
drive yours?

But I don't have a car. Better note that
on the schedule.

When there's nobody

and asking questions, acting all guilty.
Go to your room.

Daddy, I saw you sit on something.
Either you're hiding something or you're

waiting for my brother or sister to
hatch.

Come on, I'm not sitting on anything.
I'm just... What's this?

Huh?

The birthday fairy left the 16 -year
-old girl a present.

There's a 16 -year -old girl in the
house. Daddy!

Those pearls came straight from Fiji.

Did they get here in a car?

I get it.

Someone was expecting Keith to set a
wheel.

I was going to wait until after dinner,
but come on over to the window.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Okay, look over there. See that one
right there, the purple one with the

sunroof? Yeah, yeah.

Sure, I'll hook a sister up with a bus
pass.

But you know the deal. You want a car,
you got to pay for a car.

Okay, okay.

Well, do you know my friend Marla from
school? She has an arrangement with her

parents where they'll match anything she
saves so she can buy a car. Can we do

that?

Pumpkin, you want me to match you? You
don't even have a job.

I mean, it'll take you forever to... But
if that's what you want to do, match

whatever money you save.

Grandpa gave me $500 for my birthday,
and plus your five, that will make $1

,000.

But... Daddy, you promised.

Yeah, but that promise was to broke
Brianna, not $500 Brianna.

Come on, Daddy, I'm trying to go legit
here.

I'm not getting a credit card, I'm not
throwing a rave, and I'm not

Dwayne. I'm getting money the old
-fashioned way.

I'm begging for my daddy.

Okay, we'll get you a car.

Patience, young one, patience.

Okay, finding a quality used car is the
ultimate chess match, okay?

Now, you have to find the best car for
the least money. Now, in order to do

that, we have to find a dealership with
a weak -minded salesperson. Mm -hmm. A

puppet whose strings I can pull at will.

Brianna's first car, and you came to me.

You've always been there for the special
moments, D. You're like a brother to

me, brother.

I can't believe it.

Seems like just yesterday you were
riding around on your little tricycle.

Well, no.

Let's see where we can find you.

Oh, hey, hey, you break it, you bought
it.

Ooh, looks like you already have. What
happened to you?

Brianna's new friend Josh ran over my
foot.

Psycho. He tried to trip his scooter.

Psycho. What are you thinking, boy?

I told you, if you want to take him out,
use a 2x4, not your foot. Oh,

which one to get? They're all so
fabulous.

And expensive.

Not for Flex the negotiator. That is a
sucker boy every minute. But a sucker

like Dwayne only comes around once in a
lifetime.

What kind of car are we looking for?
Something sleek and sporty, and it can

driven under an 18 -wheeler like in the
Fast and the Furious.

What kind of budget are we working with?

$1 ,000.

What about that car over there?

Oh, that one? Yeah, it's a nice car,
isn't it?

But it's a little out of your price
range.

Oh, that's a dream ride, ain't it?

And you would look so cute behind the
wheel.

Yeah, let me direct you to the cheap
daddy section.

Cheap?

What are you calling it cheap?

Flex, you came in with $1 ,000.

You know where $1 ,000 will get you?

Oh, it doesn't have seatbelts, but don't
worry about it. It doesn't have seats.

I can't put my baby in there. Flex, now
if you want something better, you got to

come up with some more chatter.

Maybe I should sweeten the pot.

Well, all right then.

Maybe we can work something out,
brother.

What is it going to take for me to get
you into that car, partner?

A deal, I reckon.

Sticker price is $2 ,500.

Sorry about that.

I can only go as high as 18, less than
you throwing the mule.

Nah, Hoss.

Maybe I can talk him down to 21.

Too rich for my blood.

I better get to Mosey.

Whoa.

Maybe I can talk to my man.

He doesn't even have a clue.

It's like a deer nibbling on a hunter's
rifle.

Wayne, you out of your mind.

He's my best friend. His daughter's my
godchild. She just turned 15.

Oh, why didn't you say so? Let's just
give every car in the lot happy freaking

birthday.

Dear, are you in trouble?

Never mind, Big Sal. His bark is worse
than his bite.

What? No, really, I... Got him so mad
one time that he bit me. Wasn't that

Now, don't tell anybody I did this for
you, but I'm going to waive my

commission. You would do that for me,
dawg? Hey, man, anything for Brianna.

we're brothers, right?

All right. Now, that's going to shave
the price down to $1 ,950, except if you

want the extended warranty.

Extended warranty?

Oh, no, no, no. That's how you brothers
get paid.

What you going to throw in next? Some
winterizing?

Some undercoating?

One of those little hula dogs you put on
the dashboard and go like this?

All right, all right, all right. You got
me.

All right, no extended warranty.

All right, let's just, uh, draw up the
paperwork.

Okay, Brianna, you ready to, uh...
Brianna?

Sit down, Mr. Washington.

We have to push it all the way back
home.

What are you talking about? You were
behind the wheel. Brianna and I did all

pushing.

No, no, I can't believe that that car
broke down on you. That almost never

happens to cars from Big Sal's. That is
one of the best used cars out there.

That's what I'm saying.

Don't worry, Bri.

We'll have it towed down to Big Sal's in
the morning, and we'll have your nice

Uncle Dwayne fix it for free.

Wait a minute. You got another Uncle
Dwayne? Because the good -looking one

do that.

I don't know about the good -looking
one, but the short, stubby one better

to fixing it.

Sorry, Flex, but you didn't get the
extended warranty.

I mean, big -size warranties are for
eight miles or eight hours, whichever

first.

I don't believe this. This is an
outrage.

This is a scandal.

I haven't seen a travesty like this
since Mariah Carey and Glitter.

Now, look. Now, if you buy a TV and it
breaks down after two days, do you get

your money back?

Absolutely. Well, you should have bought
her a TV.

Flex, it was an as -is sale. It says so
on the receipt.

Look, man.

I bought a car from you because I
thought you were my friend.

But if this is how you're going to be,
then I guess I'll just have to take

matter into my own hands.

What are you going to do?

Item number 1125 on calendar, Washington
versus Knox.

Parties, please step forward.

In our next case, Flex Washington is a
33 -year -old broadcaster from

Maryland. He is suing godfather -gone
-god -awful 34 -year -old Dwayne Odell

Knox for selling him a defective used
car.

Dwayne is counter -suing for $1 million.

Judge Joe Brown presides.

All rise.

You may be seated.

Thank you, Miss Holly.

Okay, baby, remember, eye contact.

If you can't look a judge in the eye, it
means you're lying. See this right

here? That's truth.

This right here? Lies. I'm lying. I'm
lying.

I'm lying, Your Honor. Don't believe a
word I say.

Mr. Washington, it seems before your
daughter's 16th birthday, you bought a

for her from the defendant that promptly
broke down.

Now, Mr. Washington, you have the floor
first, sir. Thank you, Your Honor. Well,

the defendant is a, uh...

Low -down, dirty, unscrupulous used car
pusher.

Now, why did you buy this car from the
defendant?

You like being a victim?

No, sir.

Perhaps what we need is a little
background here. What type of

you two have before this transaction?

Well, Your Honor, Dwayne and I have been
best friends since the fourth grade.

Yep, yep. We were so close that if I was
hungry, he would eat.

See? Look at him.

Yeah, yeah, bravo, bravo. And the award
for the best phony friend goes to Flex

Washington, right?

Wait your turn, sir. And by the way, a
little bit of home training right now

might do you some good, too.

Sir, is one of these young ladies over
here your daughter?

Uh, oh, yes, yes, Your Honor. This is
the victim, and this is just a friend,

fashion victim.

Okay, baby, go ahead and tell them how
everything happened. And remember, eye

contact, eye contact.

Yeah, I know, on the day of my 16th
birthday.

Young lady, excuse me, excuse me.

Do we have a thyroid problem here?

Or are you trying to make eye contact to
impress the court?

I'm sorry, I just want you to know that
I'm telling the truth.

Just put your eyes away.

Now, answer me this.

Who picked out this car? You, your
father, or the defendant?

Well, my daddy wanted something safe and
reliable for me. Until Dwayne calls him

cheap, and then he hoodwinked my daddy
into buying a more expensive car.

That's right, Your Honor. He's a master
of manipulation.

He's a Bengali of deceit. He's a used
car pusher.

Sir, what do you have to say about these
accusations?

I don't have to say anything, Your
Honor. If it pleases the court, I'll let

witness. Do the talking. Witness?

He's a Jewish.

No, no, he's Episcopalian.

Your Honor, this young man can testify
as to the integrity of my character.

Go on, young man.

Testify.

Your Honor, I'd like to read a statement
that Duane... that I have prepared.

Ever since my parents broke up, Duane
O'Dell Nock has been like a father to

He's a pillow of the community.

Pillar. Pillar of the community.

He represents honesty, respect.

Nicely read, young man. Now we know you
passed English. Get to the point. Arnaz,

why don't you just tell the judge how I
offered Mr. Washington the extended

warranty and he refused?

The great Dwayne Odell Knox kindly
offered Flex the extended warranty and

unequivocally refused.

Son, what does unequivocally mean?

Couldn't tell you, boy.

I thought not.

Now, let me advise all of you that as
the trier of fact, I have to assess your

credibility. So don't try to get too
cute on me up in here.

Now, young lady, why did you go to Big
Sal's?

May I remind you, you're under oath.

Well, the truth is, my daddy thought
Dwayne might be a bit of a pushover.

I'm sorry.

Ah, Miss Holly, now we're getting
somewhere.

Why would you think that, Mr.
Washington?

Well, Your Honor, because he's Dwayne.

I mean, he's always been like that, for
as long as I can remember.

I showed you this Marmaduke comic book
for that Superman.

But I like Superman.

Dwayne, I'm just looking out for you. I
mean, do you really want people to know

that you like a man in tights?

No, but... You like dogs, right?

Mama Duke is way cooler than Superman.

And I'm just trying to do you a favor.

Oh.

Okay.

Blah -dah.

He was just always so easy to get over
on.

Idiot says what?

What? Idiot says what?

What? Idiot says what? What?

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Mr. Funny Man, and I'm just so stupid.
Well, let me tell you how stupid I am

not.

Yep.

That's my madude without a tail.

Only 33 copies were printed before they
caught the mistake.

I know.

I'll give you $400 for it.

No way, mister.

I have at least two other buyers who are
willing to pay me five for it.

All right.

I'll give you $525 and a cream sink.

It's a deal.

Drive a hard bargain, Mr. Comic Book
Man.

Uh, how you like me now?

You got $525?

Yeah, and a creamsicle.

Man, you set me up. You try to set me up
first, man. You think you're smarter

than everyone else.

Oh, not everyone else, just you.

Man, whatever.

And the thing, I even waived my
commission for you. Wait a minute. If

your commission, what's the sales fee?

Excuse me?

I see tax.

title, and a $600 sales fee. What's that
if not a commission?

Oh, sales fee. Yes.

That is the percentage that is paid to a
salesperson for his or her

services. Exactly.

A commission.

Well, potato, potato.

It's potato, potato.

Potato. Who's the idiot now, Judge?

Sir, you got a nice chunk of change off
of this deal.

Sit down, the both of you. You're
setting a very bad example for these

Don't make me have to declare both of
you pitiful.

Now, let's go with the witness.

Young lady, do you have anything
meaningful to say?

Yes, your honor. I'm single, I like to
mingle, and all the cute boys can give

a jingle.

Beep, beep.

Beep, beep.

Yeah, Gert, that's my new thing. I
forgot to tell you. You sit your little

down.

It's pretty obvious to the court that
this case is less about business than

about a friendship gone bad.

And it looks to me like you're both
guilty of playing each other.

Am I right?

Is this really the place to point blame,
Your Honor?

Well, it is a courtroom. What do you
think we do up in here?

Even so, he sold me the car and is
therefore responsible for fixing it.

Where'd you say you got your law degree
from?

I don't have one, but I watch you every
day.

You the man.

Really? Well, he's got good taste, Miss
Holly.

Then you won't be surprised if I rule
against you.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I'll take my million in small bills.

Lucia says what?

I'm dismissing your countersuit.

What?

First of all, this is a small claims
court. If you could read, you'd know

that the most we can deal with is $5
,000.

I'll take that.

You were acting as agent for your
friend, the plaintiff, and his daughter,

you acted with little faith, and both of
you are still acting like little boys

trying to game each other for a little
money.

So I'm going to dismiss both cases. Both
of you get out of here. Get together.

Quit acting so low down.

And that's the word of Judge Joe Brown.

We're on commercial break.

Save it for Judge Judy.

Your friendship or a used car?

I don't know. The last time I checked, a
used car never stabbed me in the back.

Well, one could run you over.

Not one from your lot.

Well, hypothetically, I don't think
friends are supposed to take advantage

each other. Well, hypothetically, I
would expect a friend to tell a friend

something was eating at him for 20
years.

Well, hypothetically, I think that a
friend should tell another friend that

friend... Fellas, everybody knows you're
talking about each other. Why don't you

just say what's on your mind?

I just want to tell Dwayne that I'm
sorry for trying to take advantage of

for the past few decades.

You're my best friend, and I'll never do
it again.

I love you, bro.

I love you too, dog.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Brittany.

Love you too, Netta.