All language subtitles for one_on_one_s01e15_adventures_in_double_dating

Go ahead, Keith.

Yeah, so, Brianna, I was thinking, wow,
maybe...

Can you, um, hold on?

Hello? Hey, girl, I know you're on the
phone with Keith. What is he saying?

Girl, the ums are coming fast and
furious.

Keith is gonna ask me out. I am so
jealous. The guy I like went and changed

number. I am too fine for that.

Hey, you were in the same spot when I
left a couple of hours ago. Is that a

phone or your Siamese twin?

What else, baby?

Uh, so, Keith, you were saying?

Oh, she think I'm playing.

I was thinking, um, maybe you and me
could, um... Yo, Brianna, you see my

gun cleaner?

You see, the barrel's been mighty dirty
since that last boy came a -callin'. I

gotta go.

Um, you wanna go to the movies with me
Friday night?

Um, sure, I'd love to go.

You love to go where with Keith? It
better not be a date because you're not

ready to date.

Oh, no, no, Daddy, it's not a date.

Keith just asked me to have sex.

What?

But I can't tell no one else.

Then I'll isolate yourself when there's
nobody else.

My boss, Big Sal, wants me to take his
wife, Connie, to the huge car

ball.

Okay, maybe I'm dumb, but what's the
problem?

Man, Connie is so boring.

A night out with Connie is like looking
at naked old people.

Just start to think you're living your
life wrong.

Anyway, just take her to the dance and
keep your cannoli in your pants. You'll

be all right.

Hey, Daddy, is he here yet?

Oh, yeah, he's hiding right here under
the couch cushion.

Sit on him.

Can you believe our little Brianna's
going out on her first date?

Remember how we were at 15? It was like
octopus, hands everywhere.

I think I'm having second thoughts about
you going on this date.

Why? Daddy, you promised.

Look, your grandparents didn't allow me
to date until I was 18.

Flex, at 18, you were expecting your
first child.

Oh, you must be Keith.

Hey, come on in, man. How you doing?

Uh -huh. Yeah.

All right, what's this here, partner?

The best of the fat boys.

What, you need a little mood music
before you... My dog?

No, sir. Browner just told me you were
an old school hip -hop fan.

Hi. I have music for you, Browner. An
early Valentine's Day present.

Oh, flowers for me? Thank you, Keith.

How nice is that, Daddy?

I'll take it from here, dog. All right.

Dwayne Odell Knox, Godfather.

Oh, I am. I know who you are.

And I know what you want.

Okay, you met him, you frisked him. Can
we go now? The movie starts soon and we

still have to catch the bus.

Look, you can go on your date, but I
gotta lay down the rules.

No sitting close, no hand holding, and
no kissing. And yes, you can get

by kissing.

Can you really?

I gotta go make a call because I'm
pregnant.

Rana?

I don't know why you're having problems
with your car, Mr. Nate. I swear, it was

only driven by a little old lady to and
from church.

Uh -huh.

And then off a bridge.

Oh, Connie, come on. I love what you've
done with... Have you gained... Are

those new horn -rimmed glasses?

New tape. But I didn't come to talk
fashion, Dwayne. I came to tell

you that you are off the hook.

You know, for the winterizing ball, you
don't have to take me.

I'm just going to stay home and curl
into a fetal position.

Oh, too bad. I was really looking
forward to seeing you shake your

Come on, Dwayne. You don't have to lie
to me.

I know the only reason you agreed to
take me is because Big Sal's your boss,

you were afraid he was going to kill
you.

He didn't say anything, did he? Connie,
I don't want to sleep with the fishies.

He hasn't said anything in years except
more sauce, less talk.

Connie, Connie, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. You know what?

I feel your pain.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

People are like cars.

You, for example, are a broken -down old
Chevy. But, you know, slap on a little

paint, patch up the airbags, and pretty
soon that broke -down Chevy is a gently

used Corvette.

Me?

A little red Corvette?

Didn't go that far.

But with a little help from Mary Kay...

company card, maybe we can make you look
like you're not about to party like

it's 1929.

Okay, Dad, we're here safe and sound.
Bye -bye now.

Oh, look, there's three perfect seats
right there.

No!

Now, I'm not sitting with you. I'm
sitting in between you. And that boy

keep his hands to himself, because if I
feel a little boy hand touching my leg,

we got a problem.

Okay, I want you to know that you are
literally embarrassing me to dance. Keep

the drama on the screen, Brianna.

I'll be in the theater next door.

Good. Or will I?

I could be here.

Or I could be here.

Boys yet?

No. Then my work here is half done.

Hey. Hi.

I don't think your dad likes me.

That's okay.

I do.

I'm not glad I shaved.

What are you doing here?

Where else would I be? opening out of
Honey, I Torch the Kids.

Right here in this theater with my hot
date.

Girl, he paid me $20. I'm sorry, girl,
I'm loyal, but I'm also broke.

And you've seen my feet. I need to
pedicure bad.

Could you excuse us, bro? I mean, we're
on a date.

You calling me out, punk?

Arnaz, go get me some popcorn.

Please.

Okay.

You lucky.

Be back, baby.

Butter and all, my brother.

Finally, we have a moment to ourselves.

Didn't know where I was going to be, did
you?

Keep your hands to yourself.

You're slipping.

Denise? Denise Kirk?

I haven't seen you since high school.
What have you been up to?

Oh, got married, got pregnant, got
divorced.

You? Got pregnant, got married, and got
divorced.

I've been watching you. What happened
all over the airwaves?

You look good on TV, but you look even
better in person.

My, my, my. I don't remember you being
as flirtatious.

You are flirting with me, right?

No. I am flat out coming on to you.

You keep that up, you're going to be
rated flex.

You know, I had the hugest crush on you
in high school. No.

But you were always with Nicole, so I
never had the opportunity to really get

know you.

Well, well, will you look who's here.
Who?

Our old friend, Mr.

Opportunity.

Hey, if your dad's in here, maybe I
should just wait outside, you know?

I don't want him to take a swing at me
in the dark and get away with it.

Don't worry. He punches like a girl.

Dad?

Bree Bree.

Could this be any more embarrassing?

Mom?

Ace was innocently at the movie theater
waiting to give Keith a ride home.

And what you walked in on was two old
high school friends catching up.

Oh, so you're saying people sword
fighting with their tongues is a

to catch up?

Hold on now. There were no tongues
involved.

But look, I like the mom and you like
the son. What's so bad about that? You

know, if we were in Hollywood, they'd
write a movie about it. How Brie Brie

her groove.

Brianna, you're not going to keep seeing
Keith.

Unless the dates are supervised by me
and his mother.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Connie, the winterizing ball started an
hour ago.

Oh, I don't know about this, Dwayne.
Every time I look in the mirror, I see

somebody else.

Oh, that's a good thing. It means the
makeover took.

Excuse me, beautiful, but I hope you
wash your hands after you flushed Connie

down the toilet.

Take a big old tube of lipstick.

When he was two, I used to call him
Mommy's Little Sumo Wrestler.

He used to run around in his little
diapers grunting, Shut the key.

Seriously. Oh, no, she's not. She's
proud of you, boy. Just like I am of

Brianna. My baby can count to ten in
Spanish.

Go ahead, show them.

No! And that's Spanish for no!

Well, you're not the only one who's
bilingual.

Come by!

You're just as full of surprises, aren't
you?

Keith used to make me give him a nickel
every time he went in the potty. By the

time he was six, he had a hundred bucks.

Of course, she's making this all up.
Don't feel bad. My daddy hears voices,

they're all telling him to act stupid.

Tonight's been nice, huh?

Yeah. Started out a little rough, but I
think the kids are coming around.

I just hope they hurry back.

Dessert should be here soon, and my
sweet tooth is kicking in.

Mine, too. With all this sugar next to
me, I just might want to help myself.

Here are our little angels now.

Oh, it's karaoke.

Awful. Her voice is as flat as her head.

Were you too cheap to buy me a Coke?

Your pockets are where dollars go to
die.

Well, I just figured since your dad's a
big stack jack that you'd be treating.

Oh, I will treat you. Just a banaca.
Your breast smells like hot dog water.

You know, Brianna, I'm starting to think
that you're not the girl that I thought

you were.

Right here in this room, I wish you'd
get up off my mom. Kate. Oh, give me a

break. Your mama been doing a hand dance
all over my daddy.

What a mouth this girl has.

Are you going to let her talk like that?

Well, it's not like your son is being
that polite.

You might want to check him.

Check my son?

Your daughter's a little sass queen.

And your son is a little whiny.

And what's with all the, oh.

background check on your friend Keith.

Turns out the band let him go because he
couldn't cut it on the clarinet.

What's that tell you?

That you need to get a life?

You got five seconds to explain
yourself.

Five, four, three.

You're wasting time.

I'm sorry, Daddy. I panicked.

But you gotta admit, it was weird.

Boyfriend, brother, father, mother.

They don't even do that in the project.

You're overreacting. It was just a
double date.

I thought we could have fun together.

But it wasn't fun for me.

You know what, Brianna?

You're right.

It was a bad plan.

But I didn't set out to hurt you.

But you sure set out to hurt me.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Someone call the authorities. Wild
supermodel on the loose.

Thank you.

Dwayne, I just came by to bring you this
ricotta pie.

And thank you for a wonderful evening.

I felt like Cinderella at the ball.

Huh. Guess that would make me your fairy
godmother.

Without the fairy or the mother party.

Wayne, last night, for the first time in
a long time, I felt that.

Big Sal hasn't made me feel that way
since our wedding night, and that was

for five sweaty minutes.

Well, I'm just glad I could do my part.

Connie,

what are you doing? Damn, girl, I could
have sucked up a taste bud.

You have opened up a whole new world for
me, and I love you for it.

No, no, no.

Why? Why not?

We just don't go together. We're like a
Snickers bar at a Weight Watcher

convention.

I understand what's going on. I know you
don't want to be with me because I'm

white. No, it's because you're married.

You're married to my boss, my violently
tempered boss. And I mean, I like you,

but I like my job and I like my legs
too. And if you saw me in heels, you'd

why.

You don't want me.

Connie, wait. Look, Connie.

Connie, sit down.

Connie,

you're a beautiful woman.

And under any other circumstances, I
would love to be with you.

I mean, if sexy were toothpaste, you
would be tar -tar control.

You really think so? Absolutely.

And if your husband doesn't think you're
sexy after looking at you, they should

change his name from Big Sal.

It's a big gal.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day, Daddy.

Hey, you decorated?

And you made brownies?

Um, actually, they're Rice Krispie
Treats. I didn't know you weren't

cook them.

I'm sorry, Daddy. I was childish and
selfish.

And rude and spiteful and scheming, but
you get that from your mama, so I can't

blame it on you.

Will you forgive me?

Sit down, baby.

Oh, I smell a lecture coming off.

Uh, no, that's your barbecue rice crispy
treats.

Look, I shouldn't have tried to horn in
on you, did you? But when that boy

showed up at the door, all I saw was
red.

And not that pretty red you see around
Christmas.

That loud, angry, red rum!

And be careful, because they'll take you
away.

It's just that no matter how old you
get, you will always be my little girl.

And you may be ready to date, but I'm
not ready for it yet.

But I'm 15.

You have to let go sometimes.

But maybe you could wait another year
and buy me some time to get used to it.

And if I'm lucky, you'll have a bad case
of acne, and ain't nobody going to want

you anyway.

Can't we compromise?

Okay, you can date. Okay.

Only if it's in a group with an odd
number of people.

And that way, there'll be a fifth wheel
hating all night long.

I guess I can live with that.

Good. In the meantime, I'm your date
tonight.

So, will you be my Valentine?

All right, good. Free me.

Oh, no.

Oh,

no, no, no.

I knew this was going to happen. Mr.
Nate's back.

Hi.

It's going to be a little tricky. It's
hard to swindle people in person, so

act.

Good idea, Connie. Every customer should
get a pie.

Hey, Dewey. What's up, man?

Hey, you stopped taking my calls, and my
steering wheel came off.

Nate Dog.

I mean, who's gonna steal a car without
steering wheel?

Hey, man, I just want my money back, and
don't make me have to get the whole dog

pounded to get it back.

All right, hey, all right, let's not
perpetuate the stereotype of the angry

artist. Hey, first off, I'm not a rap
artist. I'm a hip -hop impresario.

And if you think I'm playing, I'll take
your pie and your woman.

She's looking real attractive right now.

Well, she's not my... Dwayne.

I don't feel we should upset Mr.

Dog any further.

So, you find me attractive?

Yeah, you and the pie.

Come on.

Captain, save a woman because she's
hanging on me.

Love you too, Netta.