Original subtitles

I've not done vol -au -vent.

I think they're too much for a funeral.

It's the flaky capacity of them. Come on, Malcolm.

Can we get the cling film off these?

Have you noticed something?

Not putting the jaffa cakes out.

I couldn't.

Maybe your dad's favourite.

Oh, just think, Malcolm. I'll never be washing the chocolate off his pyjamas

again. Come on, ma 'am. You've got to be strong.

Yes, you're right.

Can't think of me now.

Not when there's a buffet to be sorted.

I'll get it.

Mr Malick, ma 'am.

Hello, Mr Malick.

Hello, Mrs Martin. I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

It was such a shock.

All those prescriptions you lovingly prepared for him.

Weren't they not in the end, were they?

He was such a marvellous man.

Yes.

You never actually met him, did you?

No, but I do feel I knew him through all the prescriptions I dispensed for him.

What a lovely thought.

Come and sit down, Mr Malick.

Malcolm's on sherry duty.

Would you like a sherry, Mr Malick? Sometimes I think that's the best

of all.

It was a lovely service.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?

Didn't you have big teeth that big, eh?

Thank you.

May I say, Malcolm, I thought your recorder recital was very moving.

Thank you, Mr Malick.

What was that tune?

Three Blind Mice.

Ah.

Do you know, I only promised to own the ask in Office B last week.

It's as if I knew I was sending him off to meet his maker with baby soft feet.

Would they be pumice stones from my shop, Mrs Merton?

Yes. Actually, I think they were on special offer. Oh, it's lovely to spread

little happiness.

Malcolm, one morning.

Thank you for being a pallbearer, Mr Malick. Well, I could see Arthur and

Malcolm were struggling.

One point it was touch and go whether Arthur would be joining him.

Oh.

Hello, Arthur.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, thank you, Arthur. Come and sit down.

Funeral? I don't know, eh?

Malcolm's on sherry duty if anybody wants.

Well, a sherry. Sherry?

I don't know, eh?

How are you holding up, Dorothy?

Well, to be honest, Arthur, I'm in a state of complete shock.

Get Arthur, Michelle and Malcolm.

Oh, it was all so sudden.

One minute, he was there, gasping for breath.

Next minute, popped downstairs, made himself a sandwich and had a bit of a

background. Popped back up, and there he was, dead.

His little frail hand reaching out for the medicine bottle.

Who, what?

Mr Merton.

Remember? We buried him earlier. Oh, yes.

Only brought him some nut brittle Thursday.

Oh, well, I've put that out there.

It's a shame to let it go to waste.

You'll eat dead man's nut brittle, won't you, Mr Malick?

Still, life must go on.

Obviously, not my dear departed husband's.

Yeah, Mr Capstake, thank you. Ooh, now, there's potted beef on finger rolls, and

then there's ham and Branston for those that like Branston, and for those that

don't, there's ham and no Branston.

No, thank you.

I don't think I could eat a thing.

Ooh, I know how you feel. I'm exactly the same myself.

I had such a big breakfast.

Didn't the vicar have big teeth?

Oh, yes, he had a look of Bugs Bunny about him, I'll tell you that.

He was a very nice man, though. Very modern in his thinking.

That was his idea, you know, that bouncy castle at the side of the cemetery.

Kids have got no time for funerals, you see.

Made you take your shoes off, though, didn't you, Malcolm?

Yeah, but I could still see if I bounced high enough, ma 'am.

Hula hoop, Arthur.

Arthur, hula hoop.

Don't hula hoop.

Oh, don't just take one. They won't fill you up. Take two.

You're a fan of whole oats, Mr Malick.

If absolutely pushed on savoury titbits, I would go for sour cream and chive

pringles.

I've always thought you had exotic taste, Mr Malick.

Is Judith Butts holding down the fort for you at the chemist? Yes, Mrs Malick

helping her, so I can't stop long. The place will be pandemonium. She gives out

carrier bags like they were fresh air.

I don't know, eh?

Mr Merton tetters a dodo?

It doesn't seem two minutes ago since Mr Merton and I were scrumping apples from

Mr Yentob's garden.

We were fourteen.

Old man Yentob, he came out shouting. We ran off like the wind.

We had a big fence, and I gave Mr Merton a leg up, and I was waiting for him to

pull me up, but he runs off.

Oh, I did get a good hiding from Mr Yentob.

It's a lovely memory.

I remember the first time we went on a date, me and Mr Merton.

We went to the pictures and he was so excited. He was already in there waiting

for me.

I remember the school nativity and Dad so wanted me to do well that when I

forgot my line, he smacked my legs all the way home. Didn't he, Mum?

Yes, he did.

Oh, it's lovely.

Nobody's got a bad word to say about him.

I remember the first prescription I dispensed for him. Little did I know it

would be the first of thousands.

If only I had more customers like that.

You'll be sadly missed.

I'll get it, ma 'am.

He's such a rock, Malcolm, in times of stress.

It's only me being alive that's keeping him from being an orphan.

Children are much stronger than we think, Mrs. Martin.

Remember when his hamster died?

Shh! Oh, don't remind him of that.

We don't want him upset today of all days.

Rebecca, ma 'am. Oh, hello, Vicar.

Hello. Oh, do sit down.

You know Mr. Malick and Arthur, don't you?

What do you like? For sharing, Vicar.

Oh, no.

Thank you for coming back. You've added an ecclesiastical angle to my buffet.

I can't stop long.

I must say thank you for that lovely service, Vicar.

Certainly was.

Yes, I must agree.

Yes.

I'm sorry I got the name wrong.

Oh, it's an easy mistake to make. I've done it myself numerous times.

Anyway... Arthur didn't mind you using his name, did you, Arthur?

No.

It's good practice for when I go.

Well,

it was a good turnout, wasn't it?

Yes, it was very good. Yeah.

How many people were there, do you reckon?

One, two, three, four, five.

Five?

Oh, and Dad and our six.

Oh, yes, it mustn't forget you, Dad.

Oh, and Titov, and how soon we forget.

You have a lovely

house, Mrs Merton.

Oh, you've never been here before, have you?

The vicar before you, he was never out of this house.

Mind you, between me and you, it used to get right on me nerves, but that's

clergy for you.

Anyway, how are you settling in?

Well, it's a thriving community, Heaton Norris. I'm very keen on expanding the

youth element, getting the young people back into the church.

Yes, I think that's very important, get the youth off the street and away from

my shop windows.

I bet my Malcolm's got loads of ideas on that front.

Have you, Malcolm?

Er, no.

We're actually thinking of having a discotheque for the youth next Thursday

between 5 .30 and 7 .30pm.

I'm actually the DJ.

Oh, what do you think? Should we go to that, Malcolm?

Yeah.

What about you, Arthur?

Discotheque? I don't know.

Yes, I'll come.

Mr Malick?

I'm not sure I agree with discotheques, but if it keeps my windows from being

broken, then I'm all in favour, yes.

I must stress it is for the youth.

Yes. Well, your discotheque idea, it's been a big hit.

That other clown who had your job before you, he didn't have a clue, if you

don't mind me saying.

Christmas wish drive and that was him finished.

Sherbert Lemons. They were his favourite.

Who?

Mr Merton.

He'll never suck another.

One day we shall all suck our last sherbet lemon.

Shall we put the music on?

Shall we put Dad's favourite tape on, Mum?

Yes, it'll be a lovely tribute.

Pennsylvania, six, five, thousand.

Pennsylvania,

six, five.

Pennsylvania 6500.

We'll be playing any Glenn Miller down at your discotheque, Vicar.

Um, no.

Oh, we used to love Glenn Miller.

My late dead husband.

Oh, I bet he won't be up there five minutes before his mothering, glad to

him something on his angel's trumpet.

What sort of instruments have he allowed these days in heaven?

I think it's still harps, mainly.

And recorders? No.

When he's, you know, up there...

Will you be fully mobile again?

Yes, yes.

Oh, oh, it'll be a whole new lease of life for him, so to speak.

Well, in the midst of life we are in death, so it follows.

In the midst of death we are in life.

The moving finger writes and having writ moves on.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Would you like some trifle, Arthur?

Mr Malick?

No, thank you.

Trifle, Vicar?

Mark, Mark, are we all right?

I'm just thinking about my dad.

What's brought that answer?

I don't know.

You're probably feeling all sorts of emotions.

It's only natural when the death of a loved one occurs.

Don't worry, we'll still come to your disco, Vicar.

It's what Arthur would have wanted.

No, he's Arthur.

You've got the name wrong again. No, no, I'm Arthur.

No, that's what I'm saying. He's saying you're Mr Martin.

No, he's dead.

We buried him this morning, you know.

I carried the coffin.

Me too. It was the least we could do.

I'm so sorry. That is unforgivable. I'm usually so good with names.

Well, I must press on. I've got another two funerals to get through today, so...

Oh, my husband's started a craze.

Three funerals in one day.

That's the cross I have to bear.

Right, well, hope to get to see you before you're burying me.

Well, at least you'll have the name right.

Can I apologise once again for getting Mr Merton's name wrong?

Oh, we've forgotten all about that.

Life's too short.

We'll see you at your disco, Vicar. Bye.

Cheers.

Thanks ever so much for coming back.

I thought he'd never go.

He hasn't got a clue in, has he?

I'm sorry I got the name wrong.

Who does he remind me of?

He's doing the vicar, Arthur.

Oh, this room needs a damn good airing.

It's funny how you can still smell him, isn't it?

Now, what sounds best to you, Mr Malick?

I don't know. I'd have to inquire from Mrs Malick.

Then I'm thinking this won't fit you.

I'll give it you, Arthur.

Oh, and there's some pyjamas here you can have and all.

Now, the ones he died in aren't in that pile.

I couldn't give you those.

Not without a quick rinse.

Oh, Arthur, you'll be pleased to know I didn't bury him in his bath, though.

Seemed to wake him out.

I kept it back for you.

That's very kind of you.

Now... Oh, Mr Mallet, you've not got anything yet.

What size shoes are you? That I do know.

Seven.

Evans. Could you see yourself squeezing into fives?

These have got leather uppers.

I'll give it a go. In memory of Mr. Merton.

What can I have, ma 'am?

Oh, Malcolm, you're like a vulture picking at a corpse.

Have you no respect?

Oh, where's some slidin' tassel?

Slidin'? I don't know, eh?

I'm sure I'll find some use for him.

I left his ring on him.

Oh, do you know... I was two hours trying to bribe this off him. Then I

blow it, if he wants it that bad.

Oh, now we're in here with the stale, musty smell of him. Oh, it's hit me very

hard. Come on.

Come on, Mum. We'll get through this together.

Come on, Malcolm.

You're crying.

I don't know.

Now, come on. You're only upsetting yourselves.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, most certainly.

I think it'll be easy when we get rid of the smell.

I've got some lovely air freshener on special offer. That'll be just the job.

Oh, Mr Mallet, you're a godsend.

Now, thinking on, I've got some mess they never quite got through.

You may as well have these back.

You might have better luck with someone else.

That's me, you see. Always thinking about it.

You're truly a saint, Mrs. Martin.

Yes.

Now, seeing as we don't need this medicine trolley, we can move my bed up

where I've always wanted.

Come on, jump up.

I'll set those, Mr. Mallet, and you go down there. All right, come on, Arthur.

Come on, Malcolm, calmly.

It'll be easy to lift now he's not in it. Right.

After three.

Three.

I think Malcolm's taking it very well.

Yes, he is.

Oh, do you remember what he was like when Hammy died?

Was that his hamster?

Yes. I've never seen anybody cry so much over one rodent.

A cut of cream, Mr Capstick.

They're all the same, aren't they?

Yes.

Three carrier bags full of stuff he took with him.

You wouldn't have thought he'd have wanted someone else's toothbrush,

would you?

Dorothy, will it still be all right if I pop round as usual?

What with Mr Merton being, shall we say... Dead, Arthur.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Well, thinking about it would be a relief for you not to have to go

and down all them stairs.

Oh, it swings and roundabouts this death lock, doesn't it?

It's only two minutes ago I was bumping up that life insurance policy.

You're still getting fitter wardrobes with the money, ma 'am. Yes, I think you

would have liked that.

Can I still have that Scarlett's trick?

Yes.

It's funny, isn't it, Arthur?

Even in the depths of despair, you can feel a little joy.

Well, I'll be making my way back after this tea.

I'm defrosting myself a nice bit of finny haddock just to cheer myself up.

Life has to go on.

We're having told in the old.

Tremendous!

What a day it's been today.

I don't think I could go burying my husband every day.

Do you think he'll be up by the pearly gates yet?

I expect he'll just be feeling his feet a bit.

He's well bummed his feet, thanks to me.

What are they doing, Evan, ma 'am?

Well, they're sitting round a fountain.

dressed in white sheets, and they tell each other anecdotes.

And every now and again, they have a little look down at us.

A lot might be to Finny Haddock if he cares to take a look. Oh, yes, he will.

Oh, Arthur, I hope he's not up there showing off his operations card.

Who?

Right.

my trusted friend we've known each other since we were nine

or ten together we've climbed hills and trees learned of love and

ABC's skimmed our hearts and skinned our knees goodbye to you

it's hard to die when all the birds are singing in the

sky

Now that the spring is in the air, pretty flowers everywhere,

think of me and I'll be there.

Oh, that's your dad as a baby.

Why's he wearing girls' clothes?

Oh, it didn't seem to matter in those days.

That's your Nana Merton.

Is that a beard?

Yeah.

Is that you and Nana again there?

No.

That's me with a gorilla at Chester Zoo.

That's me and your dad at the altar getting married.

What's that?

It's Arthur's bag.

He didn't like to leave it outside. He padlocked it to the pulpit.

Oh, look.

That's me and your father on our honeymoon.

Who's that in between you?

That's Arthur.

Didn't he have a lot of hair then?

People used to mistake him for Jimi Hendrix.

Now they're all arriving on our honeymoon.

What's that in the background?

Jodrell Bank.

What is Jodrell Bank, Mum?

I don't know. We were so in love we didn't care.

Your father was fascinated with it.

Oh, why's Dad crying there?

Well, you've just been born.

Very emotional time it was.

That's you with Father Christmas.

Is it?

Oh, no, it's your nana again in her red dress.

Come on, sweaty Betty.

And that's you in your first school play. You're absolutely brilliant.

Who played the front half?

I can't remember, Mum.

That's one of your dad in his uniform.

Oh. Oh, doesn't he look handsome?

He married me wearing that.

There he is again, innit? Emptying the postbox.

What did Dad do after he left the post office, Mum?

Well, your Dad and Arthur, they were going to set up their own business,

neutering cats.

But then they found out that you needed qualifications.

Oh, actually, Dad's party is birthday.

Look at all the nurses trying to prop him up.

That's your father's bottom.

The Lake District.

What's that, Mum?

Oh.

That was the first love poem your father wrote for me.

Can I read it?

Yes, you're old enough now.

Thank you, Mrs Merton, for being so kind.

I often think of you in my mind.

You're always so kind and loving.

I never think of you as nothing.

He made that up himself.

Those tear stains, ma 'am.

No, that was the start of its incontinence.

None of us can live forever, but it's a comfort to know he's up there in heaven.

Can't stop worrying, though, ma 'am.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Of course he'll be all right.

Your dad's with him now, and he's got his little wheel to run around.

You all right now, son?

Yeah.

Are you all right, Mum?

Now Dad's not here.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Night. Night.

Mum?

Yes? I'll look after you now.

I know you will, son.

I know you will.

Oh, I knew it was better this side.