Original subtitles

Brands not the box that tastes nice, Malcolm.

It's roughage.

It's got a job to do.

And I can't say what, because we're eating.

But let's say it helps move things along.

You know, waste products and excretia.

I don't need any help, though, ma 'am.

Well, I was reading this article the other day, and it said that if you lined

all the constipated people in Britain, the queue would stretch round Wembley

three times.

Blimey, Charlie.

Why Wembley, ma 'am?

Well, Wembley's in London.

That's where all the constipated people are.

Glad we don't live near Wembley, ma 'am. Oh, imagine having to push through that

line up every morning to get to the bus stop.

Best off having bran every day, aren't we?

Oh,

your dad's nasal hair needs trimming again.

Oh, ma 'am, it's your turn.

All right, but you'll have to hold his head down.

Right.

I liked my dad when he was younger, ma 'am.

Oh, yes, you just like him. That same zest for life.

When he was upright, your father had a very inquiring mind.

Did he?

Oh, yes.

He used to love taking things apart and trying to put them back together again.

Everything from the toaster to the universe.

Ma 'am, did you and dad never think of having any more children?

Well, shortly after you were born, The doctor advised me against it. He said he

couldn't put his finger on the reason why. He just had a gut feeling.

Why all this sudden interest, Malcolm?

Well, last night when you fell asleep during Melvin Bragg, I turned the telly

over and there was a woman on having a baby.

Oh, you little monkey.

Was it Channel 4?

I'm going to take that knob off that television.

Mum, I think that band's working.

Oh, you dirty article. Get upstairs.

Don't use those wet wipes.

They're only for show.

Malcolm?

Are you coming, Malcolm?

Yeah.

You've been aching.

We're only going to the chemist. Right now, ma 'am.

Ooh.

Look at you, doing up like Burton's window.

Very with it. Very Quentin Tarantino.

I think you're quite partial to that Judith part.

I'm not.

Well, it's not Mr Mallet you're getting all dressed up for.

Right, come on. We want to be back for Richard and Judy.

Susan Brooks is doing shoe pastry.

Apply this ointment to the swollen area twice a day, especially at night. Then

it can work its magic whilst you are sleeping.

Thank you, Mr. Malcom.

Ah, Mrs. Merton and Malcolm.

How is Mr. Merton? Oh, seriously.

Hey, what was that ointment for she was having?

Sweat glands under her armpits.

Really?

She's asked for one of those new barracks arms as well.

Hello, Judith.

Have you seen Malcolm? It's Judith.

Brought my Malcolm with me, Judith.

Hello, Malcolm.

Hello, Judith.

Oh, that athlete's pot powder. It cleared up the fungal growth between his

A treat, didn't it, Malcolm?

It was only one foot, Mum. You're making it sound like it was both.

Now, don't throw it away.

It lasts for up to six months. Oh, I'm sure I'll find some other use for it.

Looking very bonny today, Judith.

Are you courting at all?

No. Well, you won't believe this, but neither's my Malcolm.

What do you think of that, Mr Malick?

Sometimes I wish I was single.

Oh, so do I.

At least your wife's not bedridden.

She may as well be.

All she does is watch Ricky Lake.

Oh, before I forget, Lily's coming in this afternoon with a prescription for

cystitis. Thank you. I'll look forward to that.

Have you seen the film Titanic, Judith?

No, I haven't.

It's about a thinking boat.

Have you seen it, Mr Malick? No, I've no interest in shipping. Thanks all the

same.

Now, that Mr Merton's prescription.

Oh, his gums are bleeding again.

How did he get on with his eardrop?

Loosened the wax a treat. Gave him great relief.

Thank you, Judith.

Mrs Merton, Mrs Salmon's photographs have been developed. Oh, let me have a

look.

Is that a new bikini she's wearing? Oh, I don't know, but I think she could do

with a couple of your razors.

Is she looking backwards or forwards in that one?

I don't think it matters.

Susan Brooks is doing choux pastry.

Is she?

Yeah.

Do you like choux pastry, Judith? Don't be so personal, Malcolm.

Oh, you don't have to answer that, Judith.

Here we are.

Rub this into his gums twice a day, especially at night, so it can work its

magic whilst Mr Merton sleeps.

Thank you. He's in agony with them gums, you know. And here's me thinking he was

just gurning.

Malcolm. Oh, Malcolm.

Are you okay for dandruff shampoo?

All right. Thanks, Mr. Malick.

Do you remember that bait of dandruff he had last year?

That was probably the worst case of dandruff I have ever seen on anyone's

Really? Oh, my Malcolm's a medical marvel.

Right. Thank you, Mr. Malick. Goodbye. Goodbye, Judy.

Bye.

Do you remember his dandruff, Miss Potts?

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Hello. Hiya. Good morning. Nice to see you again. Here we go again. You can't

see them.

In fact, you can't see anything this morning.

Maybe you know how well they get on, them two, isn't it?

They're married, you know.

Not mother and son.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Who's Peter Houston off?

Oh, I don't know.

Some posh stuff.

They've gone above themselves, them two, since they've moved to London.

And Mickey Clarke.

He wants to do something about his own hair before he starts messing with

everyone else's.

I like his leather pants, though.

Not mid -morning, Malcolm.

Is it lovely?

Richard always wants to be talking about chronological matters.

I get a bit embarrassed.

So does Judy, look.

She's not got the right answer, Sue.

They're like a couple of shovels, them.

Judith's got nice hands, ma 'am.

Oh.

You can't seem to get Judith Potts off your mind, young man.

I think you're smitten with the love bug.

Why don't you ask her for a date?

Do you think she won't go out with me, Mum?

Malcolm, you don't realise this. You're considered quite a catch round here.

Do you want me to ring her?

No.

Faint heart never won fair maiden.

Go on, give her a ring.

Where do you think I'd be if I hadn't called your father into asking me out?

I don't know what to say to her, though.

I didn't see that thinking boat film.

Think?

Yes.

And you could throw in a fish supper.

You could pop down the post office and get some of your savings out.

Hello, Mum.

They're your savings, Malcolm.

Hello, Judy.

It's Malcolm Merton.

I'm just ringing to see if you'd like to come out on a date with me to see a

film and then have a fish supper.

You would?

Great! Bye.

Right, that's enough practising. Now do it for real.

Don't you come to the pictures with me?

Oh, hello, Mr Malick.

Is Judith Potts there, please?

No, she hasn't had time to rub it in his gums yet.

Right.

He's gone to get her. She's filling up the plaster drawer.

Come on.

Hello, Judith.

Would you like to come to the pictures with me?

Malcolm Merton.

Tremendous! Shall I meet you outside the pictures at eight o 'clock?

Right. Thanks very much, Judith Potts. Bye.

Sitting in the tree. K -I -S -S -I -N -G.

Oh, oh, son.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Arthur.

Oh, Arthur, have you heard the news?

Judith Potts has agreed to go to the pictures with Malcolm.

Judith Potts agreed to go to the pictures with Malcolm.

Oh, I don't know.

Who's Judith Potts?

Mr Malick's assistant at the chemist. Oh, she's a lovely girl.

So is that Mr Merton's earwax? Oh, that's Judith Potts.

So, what you got to see then, Malcolm?

The Titanic film.

It's about a boat sinking.

Oh, do you know, I think there was a boat that sank called the Titanic.

And he's taking her for a fish supper.

Fish shopper? I don't know. You're treating her like a princess.

It'll be a dear do, though.

Top night out like that.

Oh, he's got a favourite account, Arthur.

What, £72 .50 in it?

£72 .50?

Oh, I don't know.

Right, I'll nip up to see Mr Merton.

I've brought him some barley sugars.

Oh, yeah, good, Arthur.

Oh, Arthur, will you do me a favour?

Before you pop the barley sugars in, will you give his gums a little rub with

this?

I'm too excited, what with all this romance.

So, what time are you meeting the lucky lady?

Eight o 'clock.

Eight o 'clock?

But it's nearly quarter to twelve now.

We've not got long to turn you into a bobby dazzler.

Come on, chop, chop. Right, you pop down the post office.

I'll iron your shirt.

If you were the only girl in the world and

I was the only boy, nothing else would

matter in this world today.

We would go on living in the same old way.

A garden of Eden...

Just made for two, and nothing to smear our joy.

How's Mr. Merton?

Fine. He didn't seem to want the barley sugar, though.

Did you rub that stuff on his gums?

What stuff?

The stuff I gave you earlier.

Did you?

Yes.

Oh, good stuff.

Don't worry about it.

I'll do it myself later when I get a minute.

Would you like a nice cup of tea, Arthur?

Oh, that could be grand.

Tea for two.

And two for tea.

Very good, Arthur.

Lovely.

Do you like a nice piece of Madeira?

Madeira cake? Oh, I don't know.

They're all the same, Arthur.

Yes, I know.

Did you hear about Peggy Gosworth and her new windows?

No. And I only thought last week she never mentioned them.

PVC they are. Double glazed inside and out.

That'll be twice as much to clean, though.

Last forever, apparently.

And you never have to paint them.

The man that put them in said they'd be there long after the house was knocked

down. Imagine that.

Mind you, I don't trust PVC.

I mean, if it was that good, they'd have had it 50 years ago when they built

these houses.

My thoughts entirely, Dorothy.

Right, I'll nip up to see Mr Merton.

You've already been up, Arthur.

Oh, yes, right.

Is there something wrong with his gums?

Yes, yes, I've got him some cream.

Oh, that's a good idea.

She won't have paid for them herself, you know. Oh, no.

That'll be her garden.

He's very flash.

He's not caught in, though. Not like my Malcolm.

Malcolm's caught in?

Oh, yes.

Judith Potts and the chemist. Judith Potts. Oh, I don't know.

It was only yesterday he was in short trousers.

No, that was Sunday, Arthur.

Do you remember?

He was playing in the garden.

That's a bit of a terror.

Yes, you're not wrong there.

It's very dry though, isn't it?

Yes.

Hello, Mum. Hello, Valentino.

You're back quick from the post office.

Skip there and back, Mum.

A beautiful day.

The sun's shining and the birds are singing.

I've got a lovely feeling in me belly.

Oh, don't go near that bowl. I'm bleaching your dad's underpants.

I'm noticing all these things now, you know, ma 'am.

I've got three magpies.

One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl.

Oh, three for a girl. Judith Potts. Oh!

Why do birds...

Suddenly I fear every time you are near.

Just like me, they long to be close to you.

To flamboyant.

To biting.

To razzmatazz.

To George Michael.

Give us a twirl.

Now pop upstairs and if your dad doesn't sleep, dab on some of his old spice.

Can you

imagine the excitement of Judy's box now with only two hours to go?

My throat keeps going dry, Mum.

Oh, don't be daft.

Right, let's go see what's going to happen.

I'll be Judy, you'll be you.

Get over by the picture house. Where is it?

The fridge.

Yes, you see, she'll be a couple of minutes late. That's the woman's

prerogative.

Right, here she comes.

Well, what's the first thing you do?

Hello, Judith Potts. No, Malcolm.

You give her a little kiss on the cheek.

But not both cheeks, mind.

You don't want to scare her off thinking you're a continental playboy.

Well? I like your absolutely stunning dress, Judith.

Good. You smell like a rose.

Do you want to go on the toilet before we go in the pictures?

Perhaps.

Yeah, if it shows you're considerate.

How's Mr Malick?

Good, Tack.

Yes, talk to her about illnesses and rashes and spots, because that's her

you see, working in a chemist.

Right. But, Malcolm, let her talk.

Don't hog the conversation.

Your personality can sometimes overpower people, you know.

But otherwise... Ooh, you're a charley charm himself.

Now, be sure to sit next to her when you get in the picture house.

Don't sit behind her, like you do with me.

And you must insist on paying for you both.

I mean, I know it's the 90s. No, I'm definitely paying, ma 'am.

If it's one thing I know, it's how to treat a lady, right?

Yes, you do, son.

Now, look at these.

You can see your face in them.

Very important, that, polished shoes, you know.

Shows you've made the effort.

Now, have you got your polos ready?

Yeah.

Pop one in your mouth before you go to kiss her.

And then, if it falls into her mouth when you're kissing, it's an unexpected

treat.

Girls like that, Malcolm.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, if only I was 30 years younger.

And not your mother.

How do you feel?

Excited and nervous.

Well, that's exactly how you should feel.

Oh, do you remember how nervous you were before your cycling proficiency test?

I got runs, didn't I, Mum?

Let's not dwell on diarrhea.

Not when there's romance in the air.

Let me get your face.

Perfection.

Are you not bothered when your dog will call?

No, I'm no stranger to danger.

Malcolm, are you all prepared?

You're doing the trick where you pull your eyelids inside out.

Go for it, Malcolm.

Go for it, son.

Oh.

My little Malcolm.

All grown up. Going on his first date.

Hello, Casanova.

Hiya, Mum.

Well, what happened?

Oh, tell me before I burst.

It was all right. The boat sank and I felt sorry for the captain. He looked

sad. Not the film, you dafty. How did you get on with Judith?

Oh, it's all right.

Well, did you kiss her?

Yeah.

And are you going to see her again?

I don't know.

Malcolm, look at me, son.

She didn't turn up, did she?

No, ma 'am.

And did you go in on your own?

Yeah.

Oh, Malcolm.

She might have a perfectly good reason for not turning up.

She might have been in a road accident.

Oh, please, God, let that be the case.

Oh, how disappointing.

Must be for you as well.

I'm going to march you straight down to that chemist in the morning and demand

an explanation.

No. Well, it's no good calling the police over things like this. They won't

press charges.

Remember last time?

Oh, Judith Potts. I always thought there was something wrong with her.

A girl that age and no boyfriend.

Oh, you're better off well clear of that, madam.

And them shampoo bottles are never in the right order.

Oh.

Are we going to break it to your father?

We'll have to tell him, ma 'am.

Best get the heartbreak over with.

I'll have to ring Arthur and tell him that she's dumped you.

I don't know what I'm going to say to Mr Malick.

Well, let's look on the bright side.

I bet you've still got some of that £12 left.

Did you have a fish supper?

Yeah. Where did you eat it? On the wall by the chippy.

Oh, looking to all the world like a man who'd been...

stood up.

Well, you've had a narrow escape.

A high -flying shop assistant like you should be looking for someone more of

your own standing.

But I liked her, ma 'am. Don't rub it in.

She's history to me now.

We've got to put it behind us. We've got to start again.

Oh, I know.

I'll make you a nice mug of Horlicks and two jammy dodges, seeing as you're in a

crisis.

Malcolm, I've had two jammy dodgers.

Oh, Malcolm, you really liked her, didn't you?

Oh, it's like a brief encounter, only without the encounter.

Oh, I don't know whether that's the answer, Malcolm.

Anyway, I don't think handlebar motor dash would suit you.

I tell you what, you're too upset to go and work tomorrow.

Have yourself another sickie and we'll pop down Arthur's allotment.

His cabbages are the talk of the town this year.

Night, night.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

No.

on for you.

Poor Malcolm.

That troll of Judith Potts and the chemist never showed.

Mind you, you said she wouldn't, didn't you?

You were spot on.

I think he's over the worst of it now, though.

Good night, Mr. Merton.

himself.