Original subtitles

Weird, isn't it? Somehow, in the dead of winter...

when it's 40 below, and so cold your words just freeze in the air...

you think you'll never hear a robin's song again...

or see a blossom on a cherry tree.

Then one day, you wake up and bingo, light coming through the mini-blinds...

has softened with a tick of rose...

and the cold morning air has lost its bite.

It's spring once again, the streets are paved with mud...

and the hills are alive with the sound of mosquitoes.

Speaking of which, we're just a couple of days away...

from the annual Mosquito Festival...

which promises to be an out of sight bash.

Local vintners predict a vintage Beaujolais...

after a near perfect crowberry season.

KBHR's contribution this year, truffles.

You heard me right. Those sensual gems of the loamy soil...

Alaskan black truffles.

Courtesy of the good graces and deep pockets of Maurice Minnifield...

we have purchased us a prize truffle rooting pig...

and the hunt begins tomorrow!

You know, I thought winter was so awful.

The constant, numbing cold, the no sun.

It's unbearable.

You know, I prayed.

In February, I actually prayed for spring to come...

to relieve me of this oppressive, relentless, dismal, dark winter.

Thank you.

What was I thinking? I must've been out of my mind.

I mean, how could I forget the mosquitoes?

It's like the state bird of Alaska.

You can't go outside without being assaulted.

Sucked dry.

You can't come inside because they come down the chimneys.

It's literally squeezed through the cracks in the walls.

Listen to that.

I don't believe it.

That there is no sound more horrifying to the human ear.

Not the wail of a fire alarm in the middle of the night...

not the shriek of an incoming Scud missile.

Look at that. Would you look at that?

That is my blood, my blood.

It should be coursing through my veins, oxygenating my tissues.

What's that around your neck? Garlic.

Garlic?

It's for the mosquitoes.

What, mosquitoes like garlic?

Uh-uh. It keeps them away.

Get out of here. Don't tell me that you're actually wearing garlic for the mosquitoes?

It works. Really?

I suppose you can support that with some hard, empirical data?

Dracula doesn't like it.

Dracula?

He sucks blood.

Right.

Coming through, boys. Thank you.

Mosquito special.

Garlic chicken, garlic bread, side of kimchi.

Want some raw cloves with that?

Yeah. Okey doke.

That is so totally gross!

Water spots.

I dump buckets of softener in the dishwasher, it doesn't do squat.

I'm just gonna have to do them by hand.

You know, H...

I can put up with a lot of grief.

Small tips, doofuses ragging on the tuna casserole.

But I just wanna go nuclear...

when they start slobbing out in our place in springtime.

No lie, I am about to start kicking some serious butt.

Careful, babe.

What does this remind you of?

Weddings.

Weddings and rat turds.

I'll tell you what it reminds me of.

Planting.

These tiny granules of life, just ready to snuggle down into the earth...

crack open their little shells, set root, and grow.

Oh!

Who spilled what here?

I've become too citified. A man of asphalt and concrete.

I've lost touch with the earth.

Hand me a Brillo, will you, babe?

You know what I need to do? I need to get my hands down into the soil.

I need to fill my lungs with the air of freshly plowed fields.

I need to plant something.

You go play in the mud all you want, babe. Just keep it out of the house.

So what you're saying, Vincoeur...

is because of an overwhelming urge to plant something...

you wanna come work on my farm.

That's correct, Mr. Springer.

What do you think, I'm some rube...

who just rolled off the turnip truck?

You want to find out how I get such a high level of potash in my manure based fertilizer.

Then you're gonna go run and tell your little buddy, Minnifield.

No, I swear, Mr. Springer, my only intention is to sow seeds.

You're a tavern owner, Vincoeur.

What the hell do you know about farming?

I spent every summer, from the age of 10 to 16...

working in my uncle's sorghum field outside of St. Boniface.

What do you say?

Take a hike.

I don't need you, I don't want you, I don't even like you.

You don't understand, Mr. Springer.

I have this deep longing to cleave the earth...

and imbue it with new life.

It's a hunger that won't go away.

It grows stronger every day.

If I don't get something to plant...

I feel like I'll jump out of my skin.

It goes without saying I'll work for free.

Free? Well, yeah.

Well...

I suppose I could pay you something.

Not much. But, say $30 a day?

You know how to drive one of those?

Yes. But I have no intention of doing so.

No? No.

I intend to strap a harness plow to my back and till the soil myself.

I wanna feel the sweat beading on my brow.

I wanna raise blisters on my hands.

I want my body to throb and ache at the end of the day.

What do you say, do we have a deal, sir?

Yeah. Sure.

I'll be back tomorrow. Early.

Fourteen, 15, and five is $20. Thank you.

Do these zappers really work?

Oh, yes.

You see, the mosquitoes are attracted...

to that blue light, so they go for it.

Well, they find it irresistible...

but they enter an electrical field of 20,000 volts.

Snap! They go like popcorn.

It's the most satisfying sound.

I sit on my porch in my rocker...

and listen to that crackle and pop for hours.

I'll take one. Good.

I'll put it on your tab.

Hi. Hey, Maggie.

Hello, Ruth-Anne. Good morning, Maggie.

Oh, I've got it for you. What's that?

Your calamine lotion. Industrial size, 16 ounces.

You know, I don't think I need it.

You don't? Mmm-mmm.

It's the weirdest thing but for some reason, I'm not getting bit this year.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Yeah. I just came in for a shower cap.

Oh, I got a letter from Mike.

He sent this videotape for all of us.

Mike? Yeah.

His ship's off the coast of Peru.

They're trying to stop dumping of waste solvents, or some such thing.

What, he's in his bunk, wracked with fever and chills?

Dehydrated, delirious, dying a horrible, painful death?

No. What, his legs are crushed? He's internally bleeding?

Maggie, now look, here's the-

Don't spare me, Ruth-Anne, it's okay, it's okay.

We both know that I've killed men before...

so why should Mike be any different?

Maggie, Mike's fine.

He's fine?

He says he never felt better in his life.

No urticarial rash, no asthma, no anaphylactic shock.

His sinuses aren't even blocked.

Isn't that wonderful? Yeah.

Yeah, that's wonderful. Weird but wonderful.

Hmm.

Oh, hi, Dave. I've got your new sump pump. It's in my truck.

Great.

Are you okay?

Oh, man, I told Milt this would happen!

I heard this sign creaking in the rain last week!

You know, he is so cheap. How much could a few new bolts cost him?

Maggie? Yeah.

I mean, now, he'll have to get a new sign. Serve him right, huh?

Maggie? Yeah, what, Dave? You okay?

You saved my life.

Oh, now, I don't know about that.

For sure, this would've cracked my skull.

Well, well, yeah, I mean, I guess it is pretty heavy.

Thank you.

Oh, sure, sure. Dave, it's no big deal, really.

Come on, let's go get that sump pump, huh?

Okay.

We've just spotted...

the SS Mary Louise off the port bow.

We're killing our engines. Drifting south by southwest toward her at two knots.

It's absolutely critical that we maintain the element of surprise.

Luckily, the wind is blowing north-northeast...

and it's highly unlikely they've heard our approach.

We're drawing closer. I can clearly make out...

the bipod mast, the jumbo derrick... What is this?

Shh! ... and the stern loading door...

Mike's following a ship he suspects of illegally dumping...

petroleum byproducts off Lobos de Tierra.

It's hard to see. I can't see anything.

Could you please shut up?

There's not enough ambient light.

Through our night vision scopes...

we can see members of the crew on deck.

Luckily, they don't appear to be aware of our presence.

Oh, God, something terrible's gonna happen to him.

I know it. I just know it.

They've brought something up from the hold.

They're rolling a number of 55-gallon drums towards the railing.

Oh, God. Ready...

aim, gotcha!

We've just hit them with 8, 000 footcandles of incandescent light!

Look at them. They're scurrying like rats!

These boys won't be dumping anything in this ocean today.

All right! Oh, Maggie...

I wish you were here to share this remarkable moment with me.

I feel so purposeful, so alive, and I owe it all to you.

To me? That's right.

You cured me.

I did everything medically possible for the MCS.

I wasn't getting any better, and then you came into my life.

I can't watch this.

Can I get you anything, Maggie?

Not yet.

O'Connell, what's going on? What's your problem?

Look at him, Fleischman.

You know, he's out there...

he's doing important and heroic things...

and he feels good.

You know, he feels better than he's ever felt in his whole life.

Yeah? So? You know, it's just a matter of time.

Every day, every day when the phone rings...

or when I get a letter in the mail, I say, this is it.

"Dear Miss O'Connell, I'm afraid to inform you of a very bad news. "

I really have to hand it to you.

I don't think that I've ever met an individual...

who's so thoroughly uncompromising in her pessimism.

Pessimism? Yeah.

It's like - No, no, Fleischman, this is realism.

Would you like me to go over the body count for you?

No, that's not necessary. It just seems to me that, on some level...

you actually enjoy this.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about how you revel in this abject negativity.

I mean, this toxic gloom.

Come on, you splash around like a pig in slop.

It's almost like it makes you happy or something.

You know what'd make me happy, Fleischman?

If I didn't have to sit here and listen to your pompous...

two-bit, smarmy psychobabble.

Well, obviously I hit a nerve.

Well, Fleischman, you know what you seem to forget...

is that you and I slept together, you and me...

and you know what that means, don't you?

It means you're hurtling to the top of the charts.

You're number one on the hit parade with a bullet...

and it could hit you at any time, Fleischman.

Lightning, an icy road...

slip in the shower, malaria.

Then talk to me about abject negativity.

Hey, guys, say hi to Wilbur.

Hey. Hi, Wilbur.

Ruth-Anne, say hi to my new buddy, Wilbur.

What a handsome swine. Yorkshire boar?

No, this is Ohio Chester.

Oh.

Oh, say, how's your pig on chanterelles?

I'm running low.

Well, this guy's better suited for subterranean fungi.

Oh. Well, I've got to get my hair done.

Okay. Have a nice do.

Come on, Wilbur, let's roam.

Hey, Joel, I want you to meet my new best friend, king of the forest, Wilbur.

Listen, while I've got you here...

I didn't get you signed up for any of the Skeeterfest games.

I'd like to get you in the log toss, if that's cool.

Would you tell me something? Yeah.

I really don't understand.

Why in the world would anybody wanna have a mosquito festival?

I mean, tell me this. It's like having a poison ivy festival...

or locusts or salmonella. It's crazy.

Oh, Joel, skeeters are very magnificent creatures.

I mean, think about the sex.

Sex?

Yeah, they have the same hardware we do, testes, penis, vagina.

Only they're way past the missionary thing, man.

For them, it's always the women on top.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's interesting...

but it doesn't change the bottom line.

I mean, it just...

Mosquitoes, they're a hellish...

disease-carrying plague on mankind.

So to have a festival for them is ridiculous.

Hey, you still gotta tip your hat, though.

Hey, I'm gonna put you in the log toss. Come on, Wilbur.

Hey! See that?

Hey!

This should help a little, Dr. Fleischman.

Whole roasted garlic.

Just scoop out the cloves, and spread them on a toast.

All right, if you say so, Dave.

Care for some ginseng tea?

Is that a mosquito repellant?

No, but it sure tastes good.

All right, hit me.

Hi, Maggie. What'll it be?

BLT, easy on the mayo, please. Okay.

How you doing, O'Connell?

Good, Fleischman. How are you?

Not bad. Excuse me, Maggie.

I need some advice.

Oh, what about, Walt?

My son Donnie's looking at a piece of property up on Naknek Lake.

Six acres, boat dock, 2,200 square foot house.

They're asking $45,000.

So what's the question? What do you think?

Well, how the hell should I know?

Well, you cured Mike. And you saved Dave's life, too.

Well... Not to mention...

the mosquitoes aren't biting you this year.

So, does it seem like a good deal?

Okay, lakefront property, there's only so much of that to go around.

New house. I think $45,000 sounds reasonable.

Appreciate it.

Mmm-hmm.

When I was in Italy in the '70s...

I was traveling through the Piedmont.

One afternoon I stopped at a trattoria in Alba.

Had the best meal that I've ever had in my life.

It was carpaccio of veal...

splashed with balsamic, and topped with shavings of white truffles.

Now, they use truffles in everything they cook there.

From the pheasant mousse...

the grilled yellow peppers, the...

Even the grappa.

Maurice, I think she's onto something. Look.

You think so?

Well. No, I guess not.

The last time I priced truffles...

they were about $900 a pound.

Which is steep, but they're worth it.

As far as I'm concerned, the tartufo bianco is incomparable.

It's much heavier than the porcini.

It's got a little taste of garlic and a soupçon of oak.

Oh, wait till you taste my rabbit pâté, man. That is something.

That sounds good.

But you know, the thing that gets my juices flowing...

is the whole truffle metaphor thing, you know?

Think about it, Maurice...

out of the dank corruption of the forest floor...

you know, the black root of humus comes this perfect food...

you know?

This total gift of nature. The whole gestalt is just...

so spring.

Stevens, is anything simple to you?

Maurice, life and death rolled up in one little fungus?

What could be simpler, man?

Yeah.

Well, when is this pig gonna find something?

We've been wandering around here for hours.

I don't know. It's new to me, too.

Well, I paid $5,000 for this animal...

and I expect her to find truffles.

She just... I don't know, she seems confused.

Well, the pig better get with the program...

or I'm gonna cut my losses.

I'll put an apple in her mouth and put her on the spit.

You comprende that, porky?

Come in.

Hello, Maggie. Oh, hey, Ed.

Got your groceries.

Yeah? Cool.

Ed, look at this plant.

Okay.

Doesn't appear to be doing anything unusual, Maggie.

It's alive.

That's true.

I mean, I've had it over a month, and it's still alive.

Hmm.

You know, that's a miracle for me, Ed.

I mean, I just don't kill guys...

I'm notorious for doing in houseplants.

Have you ever heard of a green thumb?

Sure. Okay.

Well, I don't have a green thumb, I have a black thumb.

If a houseplant comes into my house...

it's like a death sentence.

Ferns, ficus, philodendron.

All kinds.

I kill them all.

That reminds me. Marilyn said you did such a good job with Mike...

she wanted to know if you could take a look at her Lady Schick.

Her electric razor? Yeah, it just quit working all of a sudden.

Well, Ed, I don't know anything about electric razors.

Well, you did a pretty good job with your plant.

Well, that's true.

See? Nothing.

Well, is it fully charged?

For a full 24 hours.

Huh.

That's great!

Yeah.

Resurrection.

What?

Ellen Burstyn. She drives her car off this cliff.

Has a near-death experience, and then...

when she finally comes out of the coma...

she realizes that suddenly she can heal.

Of course, then she has an affair with Sam Shepard.

But, Ed, I haven't had any near-death experiences.

I haven't even stubbed a toe.

Then again, maybe it's just different for you.

Thanks. See you.

I went to make breakfast this morning...

and this toaster wasn't working right.

What seems to be the problem?

Burns English muffins.

Sounds like your timer.

I believe Our Lady can help you. Please.

Who's next?

The reason for today's visit?

Pox.

He has the pox? No, I have the pox.

He fell off his horse.

Oh.

Our Lady will see you. Up there.

Next, please.

A little pressure here and here...

Oh, my toothache, it's gone!

Hallelujah!

What do we have here?

Demonic possession.

Oh. This is not demonic possession.

No. This is just poor self-image.

Nothing a little makeover won't cure.

Now, you're an orange-red, not a blue-red.

Let's put a little right here, and a little right here.

Yes.

And I'd wear your hair back to show your beautiful eyes.

Better? Oh, thank you.

Please.

It's a miracle, it's blending!

Bless you.

I just always thought of myself...

you know, as basically a destructive person.

But I'm not just talking about the dead guys.

I'm talking about in everyday relationships, you know?

I'm not what you call a positive force.

Yeah.

Come on, Wilbur, chow down.

I mean, I don't see happy endings.

I never see the bright side...

I can't experience unmitigated joy.

I mean, if you come right down to it, I'm just flat out fatalistic.

Wow.

I mean, that's who I am, that's how I see myself.

And yet, all of a sudden, Chris, people are coming to me for advice.

They're crediting me with healing them and saving their lives.

I'm not even being bitten by mosquitoes.

It's just weird. It isn't me.

Maybe it wasn't, but it seems to be now.

I mean...

Wilbur, coffee grounds, onion skins, and chicken fat. Would you please eat?

What do you mean, seems to be now?

I think you're going through a metamorphosis, you know?

A total reconfiguration and meltdown of your core.

You know, from the Grim Reaper to the angel of mercy.

You know, from Lizzie Borden to Florence Nightingale.

You think?

God, I don't know if I know how to handle that, Chris.

I mean, I don't have any experience at being an instrument for good.

How do you behave?

Well, bigtime change doesn't come easy, I'll tell you that.

You know, when I converted from crime to poetry...

it wasn't pretty. I mean...

I'd go into a convenience store...

and every fiber in my being would say...

"Take it, Chris. It's yours, man. You deserve it.

"At lease heist a couple of six packs. " You know?

Even now, I gotta resist the urge.

Yeah?

No pain, no gain, though, you know?

I mean...

you gotta keep your eye on the prize at all times, you know?

The prize?

Do you see this mosquito?

Once upon a time, he was lowly larva...

just swimming around in pond scum.

They he became pupa.

And for all intents and purposes that larva died and...

Well, that's not the end of the story.

No? No.

Couple of days later, out of this pupal cocoon rises this phoenix...

this gloriously winged creature.

Glorious winged dead creature.

Yeah, well...

Maybe you can use your special powers on Wilbur there, huh?

The pig?

Yeah.

Can't find a truffle to save his life, literally.

Maurice says if he doesn't, he's gonna be a luau.

Look at him now, he won't even hit the chow line.

Well, you know, he looks sort of...

What?

What?

He looks sort of depressed.

You think? Uh-huh.

Maybe you should read to him.

You know? Everybody loves to be read to.

Vincoeur! Hey, you, Vincoeur!

Good morning, Mr. Springer.

You've been plowing this row for the past six hours!

I beg your pardon?

You've been plowing this-

Ah, just a minute.

You should have this whole hectare plowed by now.

Well, it's taken a little longer than I reckoned.

I've been up and down this same strip at least 20 times.

The ground's still frozen in places.

At the rate you're going, I'm not gonna get my cabbages in till August.

Well, I could put in a few extra hours.

The moon's a good three quarters full.

That's plenty of light to plow by.

Listen, Vincoeur, I got a business to run...

and even with your $30, you're costing me money.

Now, either increase your productivity, or get the hell off my farm.

Mr. Springer.

What?

Look at my hands.

They're raw, bloody.

The muscles in my thighs are knotted up like fists...

my knees are aching and burning...

I've torn something in my groin.

Every step is a mountain of pain.

So what?

Well, I should have a sense of fulfillment, a feeling of satisfaction...

but I don't.

I'm the same empty vessel I was when I began.

Let me tell you something, Vincoeur.

See, you have obviously got me confused...

with someone who gives a damn.

Now, you take that empty vessel and finish plowing this row.

You're right, Mr. Springer, I had no call to burden you with my problems.

I'm sure I'll feel better...

once I've had a chance to actually broadcast some seed.

Now what?

I don't believe it. I've never heard of anything so irresponsible in my life.

This really boggles the mind.

Ruth-Anne is out of calamine lotion.

I mean, can you imagine this time of year to not have enough on hand?

It's absolutely ridiculous. What is wrong with the woman?

This is just beyond me.

I mean, she has the only store in town.

She has a responsibility to adequately stock pharmaceuticals.

And I don't think it's just recklessness, either...

I think it's negligence. Malfeasance.

Yeah?

You look tired.

Yeah, well, I am tired. I'm exhausted.

Excuse me, Joel. Hey, Holling.

You mind taking off your boots?

I'm wiped out, you know that?

I'm dead on my feet from these bloodsuckers, these bugs from hell.

They just are so relentless.

And I'll tell you something else, Marilyn.

That voodoo poultice of yours might be great on linguini with clam sauce...

but when it comes to mosquitoes, it's a big fat zero.

Come on in.

You just hop up there.

So obviously your back has acted up again?

Well, it seized up on me when I was doing a little farm work.

Yeah? Let me have your arm.

Just relax it right there.

You know, Holling, with your history...

with your neck and back, you shouldn't be doing any farm work.

I mean, you shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting at all.

Other arm, please. Relax it.

Well, it turned out to be a little harder than I thought. I mean...

the ground was pretty nigh frozen.

You know, I guess, maybe I overdid it a little.

Well, your reflexes are hyperactive.

Why don't you slide down? I got you. Nice and easy.

Hyperactive? That's good, huh? No.

That means the nerves in your neck are impinged.

Hey, hey. Did anyone just hear a mosquito?

No. No.

Sorry, I get a little jumpy.

I hear that whine, and I kind of break into a cold sweat.

Joel, I was hoping you'd just give me a shot or something.

A shot?

You know, like they do football players to get them back out on the field.

What, cortisone?

That's it.

No, look, Holling, cortisone is a quick fix, okay?

I mean, it also has some serious side effects.

It leeches calcium from the bone...

which makes you retain water...

and it also effects sexual potency.

Oh? Shh!

Listen. Are you sure you don't hear anything?

Maybe I just need to walk it off, like a charley horse.

First of all, look, you don't walk off a charley horse, okay?

Second of all, you don't have a charley horse...

you have a severe muscle spasm due to excessive stress in your back.

Well, what can I do?

Nothing. That's...

You shouldn't do anything. God!

Oh, I'm sorry, I just- Ah!

Holling, you shouldn't do any leaning, any bending...

no heavy work, okay?

What I recommend is bed rest. And you should alternate hot and cold compresses.

I can't do that, Joel. I've got to get back to the farm.

I've got to plow, I've got to plant.

Look, Holling, physical labor is absolutely contraindicated, okay?

You're gonna wind up in the hospital.

You understand what I'm saying?

You can cripple yourself. I am this far from putting you in traction right now.

Traction? I- Shh!

Oh, yeah, there he is.

Come on.

Come on.

"It's a perfectly beautiful egg sack, said Wilbur.

"Feeling as happy as though he had constructed it himself.

"Yes, it is pretty, replied Charlotte...

"patting the sack with her two front legs.

"Anyway, I can guarantee that it is strong.

"It is made out of the toughest material that I know.

"The eggs are inside and will be warm and dry.

"Charlotte, said Wilbur dreamily...

"are you really going to have 514 children?

"If nothing happens, yes, she said.

"Of course, they won't show up till next spring.

"Wilbur noticed that Charlotte's voice sounded sad.

"What makes you so... " I really wanted to plant something, Shelly.

I know.

I really did.

"Oh, don't pay any attention to me, said Charlotte.

"I just don't have much pep anymore. There.

"I guess... " I'll let you listen to the radio...

a few more minutes, and then I want you to go night-night.

"What do you mean, you won't see your children?

"Of course you will. We'll all see them.

"It's going to be simply wonderful next spring in the barn cellar...

"with 514 baby spiders running around all over the place.

"And the geese will have a new set of goslings...

"and the sheep will have their lambs. "

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I know, I know.

Well, Ruth-Anne ran out of calamine lotion, and I'm going crazy, right?

Literally, I'm crawling out of my skin from the bites.

Suddenly it hits me. I mean, I'm like an idiot.

I know a little pharmacology.

Calamine's a fairly simple mixture. I'll just make it myself.

And it's basically, just zinc oxide and ferric oxide...

and you add a little mineral oil. How hard can it be?

Of course, you can get fancy and add fragrance...

or antihistamine, or whatever, but it's just a matter of personal taste.

There we go. Ow!

Can you just scratch right here?

Harder, harder. Thank you.

Oh, boy, I'm gonna swim in this stuff. I'm gonna go snorkeling in it.

Where's my ferric oxide?

Have you been using my ferric oxide? No.

Well, somebody's been using it.

How am I gonna make calamine without ferric oxide?

God, this is great. It's really great.

Please, please, just a few grams, enough for a pint.

Oh, come on, just a tablespoon.

Dr. Fleischman.

Yeah?

Something mega weird's going on with me.

Think you better take a look under the hood.

Does that hog understand...

he's just about a half hour from a meat hook?

Why don't you give this pig a chance, Maurice?

Come on, Wilbur, I know you can do it.

"Of course, said Charlotte, you are a famous pig, and you are a good pig.

"Tomorrow you will probably win a prize.

"The whole world will-" Clam up, Stevens.

I think he's locked onto something.

I think he found one.

Come on, pull the swine back before he eats it.

Come on, Wilbur. Come on, Wilbur.

Pull him back, pull him back, come on.

Oh, bingo.

Yes!

Right on, Wilbur! You did it, buddy.

Pig in the forest!

Fe203. Ferric oxide. It's used in everything from pigments...

to paint compounds, to metal tapes.

Joel, I've had this store for 20 years...

and you're the first person who has ever asked for ferric oxide.

Well, maybe there's some in the back. Could you just check?

Possibly in a corner somewhere?

No, Joel.

Hey, Ruth-Anne.

Hi, Maggie.

Mail's in. Hey, Fleischman.

Hey, O'Connell. Oh, Maggie...

my arthritis has been kicking up.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind giving it a little rub?

Oh. Sure, I'd be happy to.

The last couple of days, I wake up in the morning, and it's so achy.

Really?

Right here, maybe? Mmm-hmm.

You know, it could be the weather.

There's been that change in the humidity. Ah.

Are you taking aspirin?

No, I don't like to take too much. It's hard on my stomach.

Yeah?

You know, it feels much better. Yeah?

Yes, much better. Thank you, dear.

Sure. My pleasure.

Hold on there, O'Connell.

Wait. Hold on a second, O'Connell.

That was great. Very good. I'm impressed. That was quite a performance.

You know, I think you're wasting your time here in Cicely.

Maybe you should get out on the road, you know?

Get yourself a tent and some long, white robes, some backup singers.

I mean, you can make a bundle with that.

Bug off, Fleischman.

O'Connell, look, giving people advice about lakefront property...

is one thing, but it's something else entirely...

to let them think that you can cure them.

Fleischman, let me ask you something.

If it makes them feel better, what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that is that you can't make them feel better.

Come on, you don't have any such magical powers.

You're deluding yourself...

and you're deluding these people.

Fleischman, you're so typically male.

What? What does that mean, "typical male"? I don't understand.

What does my gender possibly have to do with what we're talking about?

What it means is your classic machismo, you know?

Keep a woman hobbled, lock her in a double bind.

Well, Fleischman, you know, first you were saying I was negative...

that I was reveling in toxic gloom.

Then when I am up, when I am happy...

all of a sudden, I'm what, deluding myself?

Yeah. O'Connell, anyone who thinks...

that they are the next best thing to penicillin...

is definitely deluding themselves. I'm sorry.

Fleischman, you're just so dense. Don't you get it?

This has nothing to do with healing.

At least not other people. No.

It has to do with me healing me.

Fleischman, for all these years...

I just saw my life as an endless string of dead boyfriends.

I thought I was cursed and doomed, that my fate was sealed...

that I was just forever going to be nothing but a curse...

an instrument of death.

Then, all of a sudden that changed.

All of a sudden, I don't know why...

I'm affecting people in a good way.

I'm a positive force.

I'm a life-affirming, constructive, beneficent, positive force for good.

It's a new me, Fleischman. It's a new me.

And I like it that way.

Big H?

I'm here, hon.

Hey, babe. You've been racked out all day.

Enough is enough. Come on, now.

You just get those tight, little buns of yours up off that couch.

Oh, Shelly, I feel so empty.

And at the same time, heavy.

If only I'd had a chance to plant something that could have grown.

Well, you did.

No, Shelly. I did not.

Yes, you did.

I did?

Mmm-hmm.

What?

Fruit of the loom.

Johnny's apple.

The big seed. I'm preggers.

What?

Dr. Fleischman said no doubt about it.

All that sweeping and dusting, it wasn't spring cleaning...

it was from being knocked up.

Like when my dog Tippi dug a hole under the trailer for her puppies.

We're going to have a baby?

Just like you and me. Only smaller.

And just in time for Christmas.

Oh, Lord.

Now, I know what you're thinking, babe.

Except for you, all the Vincoeurs are real lowlife stinkers.

Nothing but a bunch of sleazoids.

You're freaked out about bringing another scum bucket into the world.

Yes, we are sleazoids and scum buckets, like you said.

It's in the blood.

Yeah, I know.

But don't forget, the little spud's gonna have...

a hefty dose of Tambo in her.

So I figure she's got a pretty good shot...

at coming out a standup, Ten Commandment kind of kid.

And besides, even if the worst happens...

and she's like a total Vincoeurette...

well, we don't have to jump off a cliff or something...

'cause she can hang a 180. She can change.

She can be anything she wants to be.

I mean, look at you, H.

You should have turned out to be a regular Freddy Krueger.

But, uh-uh, no way.

You are one totally righteous dude.

So, I suppose there is hope.

Take it from me, H.

You and me and the rug rat...

it's gonna be better than Super Bowl Sunday.

Hello?

Yeah. It's open.

Hey, what're you doing?

I'm taking a bath in colloidal oatmeal.

Oatmeal? Yeah.

It neutralizes the pH level of the skin. Stops it from itching.

Well, hey, that's great.

Yeah, not really. It's great on varicella.

It doesn't do much on mosquito bites.

It's a whole different etiology.

I'm not being rude, but what're you doing here?

I brought you some new window screens.

Window screens? Mmm-hmm.

I noticed the one in the kitchen had a big hole in it...

as well as the one in the bedroom.

So I thought I'd bring these over and fix them.

You came here at night, after everything I said...

to put up new window screens for me?

Yeah. Well, you know, I thought it might help with the mosquitoes.

What, is this part of the new person thing? Huh?

O'Connell as a positive force, is that it?

Maybe.

Well, I appreciate it. The problem is, it's not gonna work...

because they find ways in. They're insidious.

You're welcome, Fleischman.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

You know, there is something I can do to make you feel better.

Really?

Yeah?

I'm not getting in this muck with you.

Hey, you just said.

I was just thinking I could scratch your back.

Oh, yeah. That sounds great.

Okay.

Okay. Go easy, now. Don't break the skin.

The last thing I need to do is superimpose...

a staphylococcal infection on top of everything.

Yeah, yeah. Just a little to the right.

A little in the middle, up higher.

Oh, yeah, down, down, down.

Harder, harder.

Oh, yeah. Oh, boy, I could get used to this.

Yeah, in your dreams, Fleischman.

Just a little lower, a little lower.

"I was raised on rock"

"I heard it in the raw"

Pull!

Come on, go!

"I was raised on pop"

"It met us at the top"

Pull! Pull!

"How can you get your hits"

"If you don't hit hear the rhythm up ahead"

I strongly recommend you try the truffle brioche.

The whole secret, Marilyn, is this.

After you blanch the sweetbreads...

you plunge them into ice water before you skin them.

Now, ideally you should reheat the brioche cases...

but in an al fresco situation like this...

well, that's not feasible.

Well?

It's good.

Well, you're damned straight, that's good.

Don't forget to try the veal roulade.

Oh, yeah, sesame noodle.

Thanks, babe.

And, oh, taco salad...

and your favorite, Shelly, Rice-A-Roni.

Holling, you're gonna bust my gut.

Well, Shelly, darling, you gotta realize that you are eating for two.

Well, that's true.

All right, everybody, let's tap that keg!

Ruth-Anne?

Where are you? Come up here, Ruth-Anne. Come here.

It's always good to have a lady launch a ship.

Well, I'll take a whack at it.

On three. One, two...

three!

All right, keep them coming. Keep them coming. Let's go.

Hey. Hey.

How you feeling?

Well, I guess I'm feeling okay.

Thanks for those screens. I actually got some rest.

Dr. Fleischman.

Oh, thank you very much, there, Dave.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Crowberry. Mmm.

You know, it's not bad, actually.

It's kind of tart.

It's not unlike a Petite Sirah.

If I could have your attention...

only for a second.

Hey, everybody, I want to make a toast!

"For winter's rains and ruins are over

"And all the season of snows and sins

"The days dividing lover and lover

"The light that loses and the night that wins

"Frosts are slain and flowers begotten

"And in the green underwood and cover

"Blossom by blossom, spring begins."

To the hearty mosquito, Cicelians!

"Well, the road is rocky"

"But it won't be rocky long"

"Yeah, this old road is rocky"

"But it won't be rocky long"

"Another man's got my baby and gone"

"You're gonna like the taste of water"

"Where that old, old well runs dry"

"You're gonna like the taste of water"

"Where the old, old well runs dry"

"If you never miss "