All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S33E10.Bad.Moon.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-All right, Darcy, you win.

-You looked great.
You were so scary.

-Welcome back
to "The Last Drive-In"

on werewolf night.
-Whoo!

-But I'm not entirely happy
about what we're doing here,

to tell you the truth.

I mean, it's unfortunate,

but I think there's
an international conspiracy

to turn werewolves into wimps.
-What do you mean?

-Well, don't take this
personally, Darcy.

But after "Dog Soldiers"
came out in 2002,

all the subsequent werewolves
over the last 20 years

have been less and less vicious.

They started making
werewolf love stories, Darcy.

Love stories.

-Are you thinking of, like,
"Underworld" and "Twilight"?

-Well, yeah,
I'm including those.

Vampires have always been
a little wimpy

because they're
essentially poisoners.

They don't attack you directly.

They infect you.

So, yeah, both of
those franchises involve

lame-o Lifetime
movie of the week plots

where, sure, he's a vampire,
but I love him.

And sure, he's a werewolf and
he hates my vampire boyfriend.

But maybe I love him too.

I mean, they're supposed
to be predators, Darcy.

They're supposed
to be serial killers.

You shouldn't be hanging out
at the mall with them.

-I think it all
started with YA fiction.

-What's YA fiction?

-Young adult fiction,
novels for teens.

-Well, of course it did.

Because what's the theme
of young adult fiction?

-Love conquers all.

-Yes.
Is that disgusting or what?

-You don't like
love conquers all stories?

-No!

Love should not be able to
conquer vampires and werewolves.

Especially not werewolves.

I mean, the Nazis had a
werewolf division of their army.

They had an Operation Werewolf.

The Viking warriors,
the berserkers,

they put on wolf skins and wolf
heads before going into battle

so they could be vicious,
uncontrollable, raging,

killing machines.

They didn't stop
to ask the women

of Great Britain out on dates.

-I think we know what they did
to the women of Britain.

-Yes.
-Yes.

-Because they were
in werewolf mode.

If you put on -- If you put
a werewolf in a movie,

it's supposed to be
like the giant shark in "Jaws."

It doesn't occasionally say,
"Hey, you're so sweet,

I've decided to bring you home
and serve you a muffin."

-I think the idea is
that in the daytime,

they regret what they did
at night.

-Yes.
Because of Lon --

Lon Chaney Jr. did that
in "The Wolfman" in 1941.

I get that,

but Lon Chaney Jr. couldn't
control his murderous appetite

when he went full-out wolf.

-I feel like that story has
love conquers all in it

because
he can't kill Evelyn Ankers.

Even when he's a wolf,
his love for her is too deep.

-I disagree.

-Well, I don't care.

-I think if Claude Rains
doesn't beat him to death,

he rips out Evelyn's neck.

I would call that theme
love conquers half.

Okay? Love conquers half
in that case.

Love saps some
of the killer's strength.

Anyway, my two favorite werewolf
movies of the past 20 years

are "Werewolf Cop,"
of course --

that one
almost attains a level --

that's almost as good
as "Werewolves on Wheels," 1971,

biker gang that gets
turned into a satanic cult.

In fact, I would say
"Werewolf Cop"

has better werewolves
than "Werewolves on Wheels."

And then the second movie
is obvious.

-"The Wolfman"
with Benicio del Toro?

-No. Hell no.
"Strippers vs Werewolves."

-Mm. You make a good point.
-It was okay.

Although the strippers, they
didn't do that much stripping.

That was disappointing.

But what I'm coming up against
with the millennial filmmakers

is that they don't get
that shape--

Shapeshifting has to bring out
the warrior self.

You don't shapeshift and
turn into a computer programmer

shopping for sofas at Ikea.

-Why, whatever do you mean?

-The only explanation
I've seen

that does make a little bit
of sense is the idea

that werewolves
historically were a way

to describe serial killers.

So, like Gary Ridgway.
He's so normal.

He teaches Bible study.
Works a regular job.

But then, whoops, there are
those 84 women he kills.

So, yeah,
he transforms at some point.

He becomes werewolfy.

And actually,
there are quite a few cases

of serial killers claiming
to be wolves in the 16th

and 17th centuries,

back when werewolfism was
actually a crime.

It was on the books.

I guess it was easier
to tell the authorities,

"Yeah, I made a deal with
the devil

to murder some children,"
rather than say,

"I just enjoy the sound
when I crush their brains,"

because the torture is less
if you just say,

"Yeah,
I made a deal with the devil."

And probably the shame is less
if the devil is involved.

So they would just describe
how they did it,

by either wearing a wolf skin
or putting some kind of ointment

on their bodies that
turned them into a werewolf.

Of course, once they confessed,
they'd be burned at the stake.

Either way, they were
going to be burned at the stake.

Probably the most famous one was
the werewolf of Bedburg.

These cases tend to be
in Germany,

and this turns out
to be a guy named Peter Stubbe,

who would turn into a wolf
at night and devour people.

He was arrested
after some hunters claimed

they saw him shapeshift
into wolf form,

and they tortured him,

and he confessed
to killing animals and men

and women and children
and eating their remains,

and this included
two pregnant women

and their babies
and his own son.

He also said he had
an enchanted belt

that gave him the power
to transform,

and he also said he had
an incestuous relationship

with his daughter.

So he confessed to everything.
-Apparently.

-So in 1589 they put him
on one

of those giant wooden wheels.

You know,
where you're spread eagle.

And they flayed his flesh
with red hot pincers,

and they broke all his bones
while he was still alive.

And then they hacked
his head off

and put it on a pole
in the town square

above the figure of a wolf,

while his body was
still burning.

Is that cool or what?

They also executed his daughter
and his mistress.

I'm not sure
why they executed them.

Well, I think it's because
they knew he was a werewolf,

but they still had sex with him.

-I mean, come on.

-And they didn't want
them giving birth

to any werewolf babies, right?
-It makes sense.

But do you actually have
a point for this?

-No, I'm just saying
I kind of understand it

if you use werewolves as
a metaphor for serial killers.

But a lot of these elevated
werewolf movies and books

and whatever,
they go the opposite direction.

-What is
the opposite direction?

-Well, they say they're using
werewolves to make statements.

Actually, they don't
even say werewolves.

They say lycanthropy.

"I'm using lycanthropy
in the tradition

of the Navajo skinwalkers."

-What exactly
are the Navajo skinwalkers?

-I have no idea, but we should
ask the Navajo,

because I have lots
of Navajo contacts

due to my extensive
bolo tie collection.

Nobody can match the Navajo when
it comes to, you know, making...

-I know. Sorry.
-...badass bolo ties.

The Hopi come close.
The Hopi.

Hopi bolos are close.

And the Zuni.

The Zuni can make bolos,
but I'm Team Navajo.

-What does that
have to do with werewolves?

-Nothing.
-I know.

-That's just a shout-out
to the Navajo silversmiths.

-Navajo!
-So no,

My larger point is that I don't
think werewolf movies should be

about body image issues, or our
deep relationship with nature,

or our dysfunctional
relationship with nature,

or achieving balance
and reciprocity

between humanity and nature.

-What the hell are
you talking about?

-Well, these are all phrases
that people use

when they talk about
werewolf movies.

-What people? What uses? No.

-Well, I mean,
people that make --

people that make
lycanthropy movies,

they talk about humans
disrupting the ecosystem.

And so werewolves are
counterbalance to that.

Werewolves being victims
of white supremacy

and the boundaries
between wilderness and culture

and city and country
and werewolves

are modern representations
of loneliness.

And the werewolves are
about the horrors of pregnancy,

and werewolves are
about the menstrual cycle.

And, you know.

-I don't know about
any of that.

-Well, I think
the menstrual cycle thing

is in "Ginger Snaps,"
which we watched, actually.

And doesn't she turn werewolf

because she has unprotected sex
in the back seat of a car?

-I think so, yes.

-All right, I'll tell you what.

-Oh, no.
-Listen to this.

-Okay.

-This comes from
Dr. Kaja Franck,

visiting lecturer at
the University of Hertfordshire.

Okay.
"Using an eco-gothic lens,

we can perhaps offer
other alternatives

to what the werewolf
can give us.

What this hybrid monster
can show us

is that being both
is not scary."

Why would you
not want to be scary?

You want to be scary, right?

You're a werewolf.

"It is a great opportunity for
us to understand what humanity

and what wolfdom means and
what these identities can offer.

For a long time,

wolves have been symbols
of the ravaging

and rapacious wilderness,
and then more recently,

they've been reclaimed as pure

and perfect symbols
of this wilderness

that must necessarily remain
untouched by human hands."

Okay, then there's a bunch
of stuff here about

how wolves are both
wilderness and civilization.

And then "I'm hopeful
that in the future

we're going to see
more positive transformations."

Was your transformation
positive, Darcy?

-I feel like it was.
-All right.

What would be
a negative transformation?

"Well, I transformed
into a wolf last night,

but damn, did that have
some negative results."

You know?
I guess this professor is saying

that the wolf should transform
into a benevolent killer.

And the murders should be
more like lethal injection,

you know, euthanasia.

Um, but anyway, she continues.

-Does she?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She says, "The other thing
I would really like to see

is far more texts

where werewolves live
alongside vampires and fairies."

-What?
-Fairies?

"And they live alongside
sea monsters and zombies.

For me, that reflects more truly
what it is like living

in an intersectional and diverse
society and a society

where we can be connected
with a pluralism

via the Internet."

Can werewolves use the Internet?

-Yes, we can.

-"And that these monsters,
these creatures that come from

specific identities
and cultures,

have to learn how to live
alongside each other,

much like we are doing today."

-Amen.
-You know what that is?

That's "The Monster Club."

That's "The Monster Club"
in 2025, right?

Remember how Vincent Price
had that genealogical chart

of all the different varieties
of monsters,

and they would dance together
in the secret London club?

So basically,

what this teacher is saying
is that werewolves are

the solution
to diversity and inclusion.

If the werewolf can live
peacefully

alongside all the other species,
then so can we.

-And what
do you think about that?

-I believe
that werewolves should have

their heads blown off
with shotguns.

-Or silver bullets.
-Yes.

Without asking

"Will the werewolf regret this
in the morning?"

-I feel like
the stories need both.

-Wimps, Darcy.

Werewolves cannot be wimpy.
And I know how all this started.

-And you're going to
tell us right now.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-Started with tonight's movie.
-Okay.

-Somebody said,

"Let's make a children's
Hallmark movie starring a dog,

but let's put a werewolf in it.

And just enough graphic sex
and gore

that children can't get into
the theater."

-That's actually
really accurate.

-"Bad Moon."

What we have here
is the sensitive story

of a photojournalist named Ted,

who just wants to take
some pictures

and aardvark with his girlfriend
in the Nepalese jungle,

but gets viciously attacked
by a werewolf instead.

Ted goes home and sets up
an Airstream in the woods

to brood about his new
nightly ritual of becoming hairy

and hungry, while occasionally
murdering random day players.

Pretty soon,
sister Janet invites him

to park his trailer
next to her house,

thinking that being around her

and their 10-year-old son
might make Ted less grumpy.

Only the family dog, Thor,

has figured out that Ted is
a werewolf in his spare time,

so Thor keeps trying
to warn Janet and Brett

that Uncle Ted is bad news,

but nobody believes him
because he's a dog

who occasionally attacks
traveling con men.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it told from
a canine point-of-view cam?

I think not.

Let's take a look at those
drive in totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations go to

Michael Paré as
the tormented Ted,

who can't decide
if he wants to save his family

or eat his family for saying
"Things haven't been going

so good for me since
I got back from the jungle."

Mariel Hemingway as Janet
for proving she's a lawyer

by repeatedly wearing glasses
and sitting on her bed

surrounded by papers,
and for saying,

"Do not mess with a lawyer
on her own turf."

Mason Gamble as Brett for his
excellent pre-teen eye rolling

and for saying, "Uncle Ted,
can I shoot the rifle?"

And of course, Primo,
the German Shepherd, as Thor,

who runs five miles
in three minutes

and steals the movie.

2 1/2 stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

-Yes.

-Did you ever hear of
that Canadian wrestler billed

as The Wolfman
and he looked like a wolf?

-I've heard of him, yeah.

-Vilmos Farkas.
Willie Farkas, they called him.

He came from Hungary.

And the word Farkas
in Hungarian means wolf.

and he would always
be chained up,

and they would lead him
into the ring on a leash.

The leash was controlled
by Lou Albano,

his manager, because Darcy...
-Yes.

-...he was raised by wolves
in the Hungarian forest.

-That is awesome.

-That's what made him
such a good wrestler.

-Zero doubt.

-If you put him in the ring

with vampires and fairies
and sea monsters,

he would eat the entire
four-man tag team.

-As he should.

-Wolves are badass.
-You're telling me.

-They need the ecosystem
for one thing.

Meat.
-Meat.

-There's a trading post 35 miles
northeast of here

in the great plateau.

Ten miles north of that
is a landing strip.

We can have the film
pouched out to Delphi,

then send it on to Calcutta.

Old Jonesy should be happy.
We're only two weeks late.

-This has been such
a wonderful adventure.

-You made it wonderful.

Hey. Mark it down in your book.

September, the Amazon.
July, Egypt. Okay?

-But in the next
five minutes, bed.

-No!

No!

-Ready, boy? Come on.
Come get it!

Come on.
You want the ball, Thor?

You want the ball?
Yeah, come on.

Hey, you ready, Thor?

Come on, go get it! Go get it!

Bring it back, Thor.

Come on, Thor, come here!

Hey, Thor, come here,
give me the ball.

Hey, Thor, come here!

Come back here, Thor!
Come on, give me the ball.

Thor, come here!

I'm going to get you, boy!

Where you going, boy?

Where's the ball?

-Nice doggy.

Whoa!

Nice doggy.

You're a big one, aren't ya?
Are you a dog or a horse, huh?

-It's not a horse.
It's a German Shepherd.

Yeah?

Well, he's a hell of a big
German Shepherd, ain't he?

-May I help you?

-You must be the
lady of the house?

-Yes, I am.

-I see you got a young boy here.

Now, you help him
get the best education possible?

Because I represent the Pacific
Northwest Magna Reading Project

and we have a series of books
which studies have proved

are a major benefit towards
advanced learning in

phonetics and word
comprehension.

Now, if I could have just five
minutes of your valuable time

to show you
this exquisite series,

I'm sure you won't be
disappointed.

-Thank you very much,
but we're really not interested

-in buying anything right now.
-No, please. Please.

Let me show you these books
my company has developed,
all right?

I have them right...

...here.

-Whoa, whoa, lady, whoa!
-Thor!

-Whoa, you ever heard
of a leash law?

Jeez, want to control that dog
before it bites somebody?

Thor!

Ah!

-Hey, Thor!

-Hey, get off him, Thor!
-Get him off me!

Hey, go to the house!
Go to the house, go on!

-Are you okay?
-No, he bit me!

-Jesus!
-Where did he bite you?

-You've got a dangerous
animal there, lady.

I'm suing.

You better get hold of
a lawyer right away, lady,

because you're gonna hear
from mine, toot sweet!

-You can talk to me.

I'm a lawyer.

Thor, sit and stay down!

Did he bite you?

Because if he bit you,
you really need

to see a doctor right away.
Since you're on foot,

I'll drive you to the hospital
emergency room myself.

-No.

-In fact, why don't I take
you to my own family doctor?

-No, no, no, I got my own
doctor.

-All right.

I've heard about enough, Flopsy.

-Who's Flopsy, Mom?

-A flopsy, Brett, is a con man
who does things like

throw himself in front of cars
and pretend to get hit

or intentionally provoke
people's dogs

and pretend to get bitten.

He threatens to sue people
or have their pets destroyed

if they don't pay him money.

I've prosecuted plenty
of these guys.

Yeah, well, then,
I'll see you in court.

-Brett, why don't you call
Sheriff Bragg.

Tell him you're my son.
He'll take the call.

Tell him we got a little problem
up here and to send a
deputy right away.

Well, Flopsy, it's been
really nice knowing you.

I guess I'll visit you
in the slammer.

-Oh, you --

-Stay!

My advice is to you
is to turn around

and walk away without
saying another word

and without looking back.

-Yeah? Well, you ain't
heard the last of this, lady.

-Oh, I think I have.

But don't think of it
as a total loss.

You learned a valuable lesson.

Do not mess with a lawyer
on her own turf.

Good night, Thor.

-Lousy night shift.

...overtime.

Nah.

23.7.

-Hello?

Ted!

Hi, how are you?

Whereare you?

You've been back that long
and you haven't called me?

You creep!

Of course, we'd love to see you!

Yeah, we'll be up to the
lake in a few hours.

-I thought Uncle Ted
was in another country.

-So did I.

He's been back three months
and he didn't even call me.

That flaky brother of mine.

-Hey!

-Hey, sis. How are you?

-How are you?

Oh!

Ever think of using that razor
I got you for Christmas?

-Yeah, maybe to slit my throat.

God it's good to see you, Janet,
you don't know how good it is.

-Oh, that's right, that's why
you've been back two months

and you don't call,
you don't tell me

where you are, you don't ---

You putz!

It's good to see you, too.

-Hey, Brett, look at you.
You shot up like a weed.

-Uncle Ted,
can I shoot the rifle?

-Well, maybe we'd better
talk about that later, okay?

Come on, let's go in and visit.

So, sis, how's it going at the
new firm, Janeway and Samuels?

-So far, so good.
My caseload's a lot lighter

than it was in the DA's
office in Chicago.

Pace is a lot easier.

And, frankly, I am so glad to be
out of criminal litigation.

-How are you adjusting
to small-town life?

-For me, like that!

For Brett, it's not such
an easy adjustment, though.

He hasn't made any friends
in the neighborhood.

But Chicago's no place
to raise kids.

Out here,
it's safe and peaceful.

-You know, sis,
I'm so proud of you.

I really have to take
my hat off to you.

You're a full-time mom to Brett

and still manage to
work at the firm full-time.

It's just great.

-Hey.

You're not telling me something.

-Things haven't been
going so good for me

since I got back from
the jungle, sis.

Marjorie's gone.

-I'm sorry.

-Yeah, so now it's just
me and...

...my shadow.

-Whoa!

Oh, man.

What?

Whoa.

-Okay, that first scene
where they're in Nepal,

that makes you think this is
going to be

a hard-core slasher, right?

In fact, they had to cut some
of that sex out

and cut some of the gore out to
avoid getting an NC-17 rating.

They didn't go to the Himalayas,
of course.

The Nepal scene was
built on a stage in Vancouver,

and all those Asian natives,

including the guy
who gets eaten by the werewolf,

they were employees
at a Vietnamese restaurant,

but it was a pretty dang intense
scene with Ken Kirzinger,

the stuntman who was Jason in

"Freddy vs. Jason" inhabiting
that awesome werewolf suit.

-So isn't this the movie
that you've always wanted?

-What? No.

-You're always saying

that you think
Hallmark movies should have

some exploding heads,
and then they'd be watchable.

-Well, that's my joke.

Yeah, but I take that back,
though.

I get the impression

that Michael Paré as Ted
and Mariel Hemingway as Janet

are acting in different movies.

She's the Hallmark single mom,

and he's calling his
actor studio coach every night

to ramp up the intensity.

You know?
-Some good kills, though.

-Yeah. Great kills.

And then they go back
to the dog cam.

You know, it's
Lassie goes to Crystal Lake.

-That was a good scene

when the door-to-door salesman
gets owned.

-True.

That was a scene

to show that Mariel Hemingway is
one tough cookie.

You know, which is
kind of another Hallmark thing.

Anyway, the dead Marjorie
from the opening scene

was played by an actress
named Johanna Marlowe,

and she makes the sign
of the twin guild anaconda

with Michael Paré

and then two full-frontal
stuntwomen come in

and finish that part where
she's eaten by the werewolf.

So the director there is
Eric Red.

Eric Red is a New Yorker

who became semi-famous
for his dark, gritty scripts.

He first got noticed
when he wrote "The Hitcher,"

which was based
on a real-life incident in Texas

when he was traveling across
country on his way to L.A.

Rutger Hauer starred,
Robert Harmon directed that,

and it was a minor hit.

And then he wrote two movies
for Kathryn Bigelow, "Near Dark"

the vampire western,
and "Blue Steel,"

with Jamie Lee Curtis
as the rookie cop in New York.

Both of those
were also minor hits,

but more importantly, they
were noticed by the industry.

So he got his director's shot

with a movie called
"Cohen and Tate,"

action thriller with
Roy Scheider, based on

an O. Henry short story.

Didn't really get
any kind of meaningful release,

but then he made "Body Parts"...
-Nice.

-...sci-fi body-horror flick
with Jeff Fahey,

Brad Dourif, Lindsay Duncan,

and then a Showtime movie called
"Undertow" about a drifter

who gets washed off the road
during a storm

and stranded in a house
with a psychotic mountain man

and his beautiful wife.

And "Undertow" got a lot
of attention.

So all the years he's climbing
his way up the Hollywood ladder,

he's trying to get
"Bad Moon" made.

It's a novel
that he first read in 1991.

William Morris Agency
was shopping it around,

and so he optioned it and
he adapted it as a screenplay.

He wrote the screenplay himself.

The novel is told 100%
from the viewpoint of the dog.

So obviously the dog does
not see Ted's girlfriend killed

in a tent in Nepal
by a werewolf.

And you'll notice
as we watch the movie

that Red has three
different camera views.

He has a dog cam,

he has a werewolf cam,
and he has a God cam.

You know, the usual omniscient
camera that sees everything.

He also has a little bit
of a kid cam.

And the result, in my opinion,
massive confusion.

-Is this a dog movie?
Is this a kids movie?

Is this a watered-down slasher?
It's all of the above.

So let's get back to it, and
I think you'll see what I mean.

-But the dog is cute,
and so is the kid.

-True.
-Yeah. Is that a bad thing?

-Cute is for
the elementary school play.

This is the kid
who played Dennis the Menace.

Alright?
-And?

-Did you see
"Dennis the Menace"?

-No.

-He has trained
professionally to be cute.

-Ah! Gotcha.
-Alright, back to the movie.

-Okay.

-I have nothing
against child actors.

I think all child actors should
be devoured by werewolves,

each one in his own movie.

Do you notice in the movies

where the child acting is
actually believable,

like "The Babadook"

and "Tigers Are Not Afraid"
or "Satan's Little Helper"?

You know what those child
actors all have in common?

-What?
-They're not child actors!

They're just kids
who make one movie.

-What about Jodie Foster in

"The Little Girl Who Lives Down
the Lane"?

-Well, she was 13.
-That's a kid.

-Well, she'd been in 50 TV
shows and a dozen Disney films

by the time she was 13.

She was 13 going on 40.
-Okay, maybe.

-I do commend Eric Red for
making a movie that has animals,

children, full-frontal nudity,
and werewolves.

I don't think
that particular cocktail

has been ordered before
or since.

-Good point.

-You know how they
used to advertise "something

for the whole family"
in those drive-in spots?

-Yes.
-That's what this is.

Breast nudity
and splatter scenes for Dad.

-Or Mom.
-Plucky young female lead
for Mom.

A brave little kid
for the children

and a smart dog
we can all relate to.

It's rated R, PG, and G.
Just cover your kid's eyes

when Johanna Marlowe
is riding Michael Paré

like a cowgirl on a rabid bull.

Yes. She was.

-You know, they have a sex toy
called a Silver Bullet?

-I do.

-Sure.
-I'm aware.

-Oh, well, I bet
it was inspired by this movie.

-I feel like you're right.

-Oh, my God.

Thor!

Don't do that to me.

Yeah. Good dog, Thor.

Oh, shoot.
-All right.

I was just wondering.

-I haven't seen him.
-I wouldn't worry about him.

Hey, sweetie.

-Hey, Thor.

Come say hello
to your Uncle Ted, Thor.

-That's our Thor.
Overprotective.

Maybe if he saw you more.

-Come.

Come, come.

We're two of a kind,
aren't we, old pal?

-What did you do,
spit in his Alpo?

-He knows an old dog
when he sees one.

Hey, you guys better get moving

if you want to get him
home by bedtime.

You have a long ride
ahead of you, sis.

-I want you to stay with
us for a while, Ted.

-I didn't realize how late
it was.

Come on.
I'll walk you to the car.

-I mean it.
I'm worried about you.

-Don't worry about me, come on.

-Just say yes.
-Yes.

-Good. You're coming with us.

-No, but I'll come by soon.

-When?

-I'll call you.
-This week.

-This week.
-Good.

Come on.

Come on, Thor!

-Hello?
-Sis?

-Hey, Ted, how are you doing?

-Yeah, you know...

...having you up here
was really great, sis.

It really
lifted my spirits a lot.

Frankly, sis,

you know,

it's everything.

It's everything.

I just wanted to tell you
how much I appreciated

you know, your guys' trip up
here and...

...family...

It's all we've got, sis.

-Is there a problem up there?

Problem?

Up here?

No, no problem at all.

Just, uh,

having you here, like I said...

...really lifted my spirits.

I reckon maybe you're right.

So I was thinking if
it's not an imposition...

...maybe I can visit you
for a few days.

-Oh, Ted, you know
you're always welcome up here.

Here's what you're gonna do:

You're gonna park your
Airstream in the backyard

and you're gonna live
out of my fridge.

-Here's to family, sis.

-And having you right next door
to me,

just like when we were kids.
-It's just perfect, so nice

to be out of the woods,
all the memories.

-I'm always right,
little brother.

-Yeah, and it's really annoying.
Always has been.

-Honestly, I'm glad you're here.

-Me, too.

Hey, Thor, come on,
get out of there!

-Hey, hey, hey, Thor! Thor!
Go on.

Handcuffs? Ted!

-Sis, it's not what you think.
-What are these?

Oh, my, "Maximum Security
High-Tempered Steel."

-It's not what you think.
-Ooh, baby!

I think I better keep
my eye on you.

It's gonna be real
interesting having you around.

Come on. I'm gonna make dinner.

-No, thanks, I'm just gonna put
on my sweats and go for a run.

I'm gonna keep a low
profile tonight.

If that's all right with you?

-You can come and go
as you please,

as long as you follow my rules.

Come on, Thor!
Come on!

Good night, Thor.

What the hell?

Thor! What's going on?

Thor! What? What?

Okay. Come on. You want to go
outside? Okay, go on, out, out!

Come here, boy!

Thor, where are you?

Thor!

Thor!

Thor, come on!

Hey, hey.

Good boy. Come on.

Let's go home. Come on!

Come on!

What's with you? Hey!

What? What?

Let's go home. Okay?

Thor, you're such a baby.
Come on, come on, let's go.

Come on!

What? What's the deal with you?
Come on, we've got to go home.

Jesus, ever heard of sleep?

You crazy dog!

Come on.

-You were at his funeral.
-Yes.

You had quite a long
relationship

- with your boyfriend Darnelle.
- That's right.

We were together
for three years.

For three years. And...

-Thor!

Come on! Let's go!

Come on, you love baseball.

Where are you going?

Thor! Don't do that!

Come here, Thor.

Get over here, you knucklehead.

That wasn't very nice.

-Now, they share their stories.
-He came in and s--

We interrupt this program
to bring you

this special KBDL news
bulletin.

Teams of hunters and
police are patrolling

a 50-mile square
area in Timberline

as the curfew enters
its third day.

Police revealed today
the shocking

discovery of a fifth dead hiker

in the woods near Timberline.

The five men and women
were mutilated

by what authorities
believe is a wild animal.

Possibly a grizzly bear.

Teams of hunters and
bloodhounds are patrolling

a 50-mile square area

and a curfew is now in effect
on Timberline.

This is Sarah Williams
reporting for KBDL.

-Hi, Thor.

-Come on, Thor.

Let's go.

-Hey, Ted, good morning.

-Good morning, sis.

-Why didn't you tell me about
that curfew up in Timberline?

Those hikers who were killed?

That crazy animal that's
loose up there?

I just saw it on TV.

There were police everywhere.

-Oh, uh...

that, I uh,

I was going to tell you about
that this morning, sis.

-Well, I guess this means you'll
have to stay

until they lift the curfew, huh?

-I guess.

-So you want some breakfast?

-Yeah, great.

-Okay.

-In good time, old boy.

In good time.

-Okay, Darcy,
I've decided that you are right.

-Right about...

-I'm going to embrace
the Hallmark horror genre.

-Yay.
-In between breaks,

I sketched out a synopsis for
the movie that I want to make.

"Bad Moon" is the first
Hallmark horror.

This will take it
one step further.

You want to hear it?
-Go for it.

-Alright.
The title of this movie

will be "Meat Pie Girlfriend."

-"Meat Pie Girlfriend."

-Yeah. You like that?

-Are you going to tell
us the plot?

-Yes,
but I'm just checking as to what

you would think if
you saw that title on a poster

or a streaming menu
or something.

-Are you kidding?

I am so there for
"Meat Pie Girlfriend."

-Okay, good. Um, Jenna
is a perky event planner...

-I'm liking it.
-...recovering from

a broken heart
who gets a new client,

handsome billionaire
Nelson Winthrop.
-Mm-hmm!

-But organizing Nelson's charity
gala results in complications

because Nelson's secretary,
Ashley,

is the girlfriend of Jenna's ex,

and Ashley is determined
to sabotage the catering.

Should Jenna hack Ashley

into tiny pieces with the
hatchet

she found in her son's backpack
or should she hire the brutal

but strangely attractive
street hustler Giovanni

to use his mob ties to pump
six bullets into Ashley's brain

in return for having kinky sex
with him three times a week?

He's cute, but not thatcute.

This is the middle act
where she has to agonize.

-Got it. Yeah.
-Alright.

Fortunately, the town
Christmas play is coming up.

And Jenna --

Jenna is picked to play Mary,
the mother of Jesus.

And the spirit of the season...
-Stop!

-...causes her to realize that
revenge is not the answer.

The answer was there
all the time,

in the form
of wacky neighbor Estelle

and her hungry cannibal family.

-Dude. Guaranteed --
-Yeah! Yeah!

-Guaranteed box office.
Make it happen.

-How can it fail, right?
-"Meat Pie Girlfriend."

It's on. Let's do it.
-Alright.

-You want to be
Jenna or Ashley?

-Fuck that.

I want to be the one
that makes the meat pies.

-That's Estelle.
-I want to be Estelle, baby.

-Okay. Interesting choice.
That's bold, Darcy.

Thank you.

-And speaking of bold,

Michael Paré gives a
bold performance in this movie.

He's ripped, he's focused,
and he actually calls this

"one of the best
performances I ever gave."

You know, I have
great respect for Michael Paré

because he's one of those guys
who studies acting

his whole life, trying to
improve, trying to stay sharp.

And when I studied acting
in New York in the early '90s,

I would run into these guys,
actors in their 50s, 60s, 70s,

many of them
already working on Broadway,

but they still went to class.

They went to class
at least twice a week.

That is a New York tradition.

You just don't find that in L.A.

or really anywhere else
except New York.

But I'm sure Michael Paré is
one of those guys.

He is a member
of the Actors Studio.

I'm not even an Actors Studio
fan, but it does work for him.

So let's watch him do his thing.

Back to the movie.

And, Darcy, I think you
ought to claim the Jenna role

because if we get
a "Meat Pie Girlfriend 2,"

there won't be an Estelle role,
so...

-It's an emotional choice.
I'm not thinking about money.

It's art.
-Alright, alright.

If making that meat pie
means that much to you.

-It does.
-Alright.

-Werewolf andcannibal.
You are awesome, Darcy.

Thank you.

-Werewolves were
often accused of eating babies,

which I guess would
be considered cannibalism

since they're half human.

But I assume you would draw
the line at eating babies.

Why aren't you answering me?
-A wolf's gotta eat.

-Darcy, that's hard-core.
-Just saying.

-Hey!

-It's not funny.

He's turning into the Wolfman.

I'm sorry, Brett,
it's the full-moon part.

In movies, the guy only turns
into a werewolf

during the full moon.

-Well, that's the way it works.

When there's a full moon,
he turns into the werewolf.

Everybody knows that.

-But why only the full moon?

Why not any moon?

-Well, because that's the way
a werewolf works.

You have to shoot him
with a silver bullet.

-I bet if you blew his head off

with a shotgun,
it would do quite nicely.

-Don't you know anything
about werewolves?

-I know you turn into one
if you get bit by one.

But the full-moon part...

Maybe there's different
kinds of werewolves,

but it's been my experience
that any moon will do the trick.

Werewolf-wise.

-Have you ever met a werewolf?

-I've been acquainted with
a few in my time.

How about you?

Come on. Everybody knows there's
no such thing as werewolves.

-Well...

There you go.

-Brett, will you take the trash
out before breakfast, please?

-Aw, Mom.
-Don't "Aw, Mom," me. Go.

-So, what all
happened last night?

-I don't know really.

Thor thought he heard
something in the woods,

practically threw a fit.

Woke up the whole house.

You know, you're lucky you were
in the Airstream.

Anyway, I finally let him out.

He ran out into the woods
and he didn't come back.

I tried calling him with
that dog whistle

but he just kept barking.

-So...

What did he find?

-Nothing.

-What do you think it
was all about?

-I don't know, really.
I'm not that worried.

Thor barks at practically
anything.

-I don't know, Janet.

You know, big predators,
they can travel a long

distance if their habitat
runs dry.

Just because there hasn't
been anything dangerous

in this forest recently
doesn't mean

it's always gonna be safe.

If I were you,
I wouldn't let Brett

play out there for awhile
until...

-Until what?

-There weren't supposed to be
any wolves up where I am.

Look what happened
to those people.

-I thought they said it
was a grizzly bear.

-Janet, wolves, grizzly bears,
I mean it's the same difference!

All I'm saying is you have
to be a little more cautious.

Take the dog more serious

and don't let him play out there
either.

-Don't you think you're
overdoing it?

I mean, Thor isn't
exactly helpless, you know.

-Janet, how big is that dog?

-Get this. he's 105 pounds.

-Do you know how big
a gray wolf gets?

Try 200 pounds.

-Give me a break, Ted.

The dog starts barking in
the middle of the night

and all of a sudden you've got
a 200-pound wolf at the door!

Are you feeling okay?

-Piss off.

Hey, Janet!

Could you take your
dog in the house, please?!

I'd like to go for a run.

-Come on, Thor!

Come on, it's bedtime!

Come on, Thor. Come on!

Thor, come on!

Thor, come on, it's bedtime!
Come on in.

Come on.

Come on, come on. Good boy!

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Come here.

What's up with you? Huh?

Yeah, you be a good dog, huh?

You be a good dog.

Be a good dog.
Yeah, yeah, I love you, too.

Good night.

-Hey.

What's wrong, boy?

You want to go out?

-Thor?

Hey, buddy.

Come here.

Come on.

Hey, what happened to you?

Oh, Thor.

Who cut you?

Oh, baby, who did this to you?

Come on, let's go clean you up.

Come on, it's okay. Come on.

It's alright.
Come on, sweetie.

Come on.

It's okay, come on.

Join me.

No.

Everybody!

Viewers at home,
open your windows.

Yeah!

-Ooh!
-Are you mocking my people?

- I don't know.
- Okay.

-One thing they did not try
to economize on

is the practical effects.

That werewolf is
all practical effects.

We saw a little of him

in this first confrontation
between dog and werewolf.

But really,
the more impressive scene

from an animal trainer point
of view

is that stare-down scene
outside the trailer.

How do you get a dog to stay
that still and hold that stare?

Normally on a low-budget movie,

you would save all the
werewolf effects for the finale.

But this movie was
not really low-budget.

Eric Red had 6 million bucks
to work with,

and he was surprised himself

because he thought
he only needed $3 million.

But this was
a Morgan Creek movie,

and Morgan Creek was a mini
studio formed in the late '80s

that had churned out hit
after hit after hit --

"Young Guns," "Major League,"

"Exorcist III,"
"Pacific Heights," "Robin Hood,"

"Last of the Mohicans,"

the Ace Ventura movies.
-Yay!

-And so Eric Red
kind of lucked out

when two fans of
his "Bad Moon" script

both got hired as executives
at Morgan Creek.

All those years, Red was
taking the script around town,

they were among
the few supporters

of what they called
the "dog movie."

So now Bill Todman Jr. was
head of production

and Larry Katz was head
of development.

So Eric Red was given
a green light, and he went out

and got Michael Paré and
Mariel Hemingway as the leads.

And it was slated
at 6 million bucks,

so he could do all
the special effects

that he felt that he needed.

Unfortunately, the involvement
of Morgan Creek

became a double-edged sword

once they realized it was
basically a G-rated Disney film

with some R-rated scenes
attached.

And Red said, "Morgan Creek
hated the dailies of the film

during the entire shoot.

All I heard were calls about
the terrible movie I was making

and how they wished
they hadn't financed it."

-Aw.
-So, and then adding to his woes

was the animal trainer
who owned Primo the dog,

who was
kind of the star of the movie.

Red had spent six months
searching for the right dog.

There were lots
of trained German shepherds

available in Hollywood,

but he wanted a dog with a kind
of gentle, nurturing face,

and he finally found it
in this photo

that was sent to him
by a trainer of Primo.

But Primo was a puppy,

and so he had to go through
intensive training

to get ready for the movie,

and they actually
ended up using two other dogs

as doubles for the long shots
and for the actual fighting.

For the wide shots when you
couldn't see the dog's face,

they used a
12-year-old female named Echo,

and for the final fight scene,

they used a very vicious
Russian attack dog.

The dog was so dangerous
that they cleared the set

before he was brought out,

and three cameras were covered
with Plexiglass

and the operators
were enclosed in wooden boxes.

That dog had been used
at the Russian border

and he was trained
to fight.

At any rate, Eric Red didn't get
along with the animal trainer.

He thought he was kind of bossy.

So only Thor knows
that Uncle Ted is a werewolf.

But how can he get his message
across to Janet and her son?

The dog's obsession
with the werewolf...

well, it made more sense
in the book

because it wasn't just
a single mom situation.

There was a whole family --

Mom, Dad, three kids -- that
Thor regarded as his wolf pack.

And so by the time
the final script emerged,

two of the kids were gone

and only the boring
middle kid remained.

And the book also had
a ticking clock element

because that salesman
from the first scene,

he was mounting a full-scale
legal assault that could result

in Thor being taken to the pound
or euthanized.

But all that suspense is gone
from the movie.

It's just dog sniffs werewolf,

dog stares at werewolf,
dog runs after werewolf,

and you don't really get
the fact

that everybody is in imminent
danger, including the dog.

All right,
let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

Doesn't make sense to me

that they would choose
a German shepherd

because aren't German shepherds
one-person dogs?

I mean, that's why -- That's
why the Germans liked them.

They would do anything,

including sacrifice
their own lives,

for their one human trainer.

And then
when the Berlin Wall came down,

a lot of those dogs that guarded
the wall had to be put down,

either because their handler was
no longer there

or they would attack anything
that moved.

You know? They're not known
for their multi-tasking ability,

but do you think
a German shepherd

would attack a wolf,
though?

-To protect somebody?
Yeah, totally.

-I mean, Michael Paré is right.

When he's sitting there
with the kid

and they're watching
"Werewolf of London" --

that's a great scene...
-Yeah.

-...he points out
that a wolf is twice the size

of a German shepherd.

-The dog would still do it.

-That's 'cause you love dogs.

-They're cooler than people.

-And yet you're a werewolf.

-It's a paradox. I don't know.

-Hi.

Yeah, this is Janet Harrison,
43 Oak Creek Lane.

Hi, Sheriff.

Ted? Are you in there?

Ted, you in here?

Ted?

Nice, Ted.

Oh, God.

-"December 28, 1995.

Stateside.

Saw a doctor here.

Had blood test.

Doctor couldn't
identify strain.

Some infection that
isn't in the books.

Had another blackout
last night.

Woke up in the woods.

December 29, 1995.

Blacked out again.
Woke in the woods.

Blood on me.

Not mine.

May 18, 1996.

I have tried all medical
solutions to no effect.

There is no known cure
in medicine...

but maybe...

just maybe,
there's hope for me.

Janet and Brett came up
to the lake today.

To see her again did
my heart good.

She has invited me to
stay with her.

And perhaps if I spend time
with her, with my family...

this disease will go
into remission.

Medicine will not stave
off this disease.

But perhaps love, the
restorative power of love,

family love...

will save me.

It's my last chance."

Nobody makes
a fucking fool out of me, lady.

Here, doggie.

Here, poochie, poochie.

Come here,
you frigging stupid dog.

Nice doggie.

-Sheriff, where have you been?

-Is this the man who approached
your place last month?

-Yeah, it is.

-He's dead.

His name is Jerry Mills.

We found him on the road

a couple hundred yards
from your house.

He bore the marks of
an animal attack.

He'd been torn open by a big
animal like a wolf or...

-Or a dog. Is that it?

-Yes, ma'am.

I do recall you told
me the last time

Thor almost took
a bite out of Mills.

Well, maybe last night
when Mills came back,

Thor went at him again.

-Thor got in a fight
last night...

with something or...

someone.

He's got cuts all over him.

-I see.

You know about these slayings up
in the Timberline area, the...

...those hikers that
were killed?

-Yes, Janet.

That wouldn't be the same
animal that killed Mills.

It would've had to travel
200 miles

from Timberline to get here.

-That's not what I mean.

My question is...

is it possible that...

they were committed by
a human being?

-No chance at all, Janet.

They were done by a big animal.

No man could tear a person apart

the way the beast that
butchered those people did.

The same with Mills last night.

Wolves are
the probable culprits.

Very, very big wolves,
but not a man.

Not humanly possible.

Why did you ask?

-I don't know.

-I reckon that's all for now,
Janet. I'll be in touch.

-Thanks.

-Just one thing.

I know you love Thor.

And if he did tear up Mills,
he was doing so to protect you.

But once a dog becomes a biter,
gets a taste for human blood,

he becomes dangerous.

I suggest you consider shopping
for another hound.

Good morning, there, big guy.

How are you doing this morning?
Huh?

Want to go outside, Thor, huh?

Want to go outside?
Come on.

Right to the Airstream.

Where were you last night, Ted?

-I went for a run.

-All night?

You didn't see anything?

Hear anything?

-Get him off me!

-No! Don't!

Get in the trailer!

-No, Thor! Stop it!

Janet, get him off!

Thor, get off!

-Aah! Aah!

-Thor, no!

Get in the house!
I can't hold him back!

Thor! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Thor, come on! Bad dog! Bad dog!

Stop it, Thor!
Come on! Calm down!

Get in there!

Come here, Thor.

Come on, sweetie.
Come on.

Come on. It's okay. It's okay.
I'm sorry.

-Come on.
Come on.

-I'm sorry, babe.

Go on, it's okay.
-All right. Hold his head.

-It's okay, Thor. It's okay.
Go on.

-Okay. Good boy.

-I got him. I got him.

-Thor! Come back!

-Thor, come back!
-Brett, come here.

Come on, sweetie.
They have to take him.

There is nothing
we can do about it.

-Don't go!

They'll kill him!

-They have to take him, Brett.
He is dangerous!

-No, it's not true, Mom!
It's not true!

Thor!

Thor!

Thor! Let go!

Mom, they're gonna kill him!

He's gonna die!

Let go!

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Come on.

It's okay.

-Come on! Come on!

-I know.

It's okay.

-Do you know
that people actually tear up

when the animal control people
come to take Thor away?

I know this
from reading the online reviews.

So if this makes you feel
any better,

you should know that
the two animal control officers

using
those rope-on-a-stick thingies

to keep control of Thor --

Those are Thor's trainers.

So Thor knows he's acting
throughout that scene.

What do you think, Darcy?

-It is always
so hard to watch

when
they use those control poles.

-Is that what you call them?
Control poles?

Lasso on the end of a stick?
-I guess. Yes.

-What I found hard to watch
is, Janet goes into the trailer,

basically breaks into Ted's
trailer when he's not home,

goes through his stuff.
And, um, by the way,

would you keep a picture
of the mangled dead body

of your girlfriend
in your trailer?

And then she reads his journal.

So we get journal exposition.

You know, he went to the doctor,
he had a blood test.

They can't identify
the blood type.

He has blackouts.

He wakes up with
other people's blood on him.

But here's the best part --

He thinks his werewolfism
might be curable by,

"the restorative power
of family love."

What do you think, Darcy?

Can the restorative power
of family love

turn a werewolf back
into a normal human?

I doubt it.

-What's truly terrifying,

though, is that
this movie looks so much

like a Hallmark
feel-good special,

right down to the
overly dramatic music,

that they just might do that.

You know,
I wouldn't be surprised

if the movie ended
with a group hug and a prayer,

thanking God for sending
so much love into the family

that the werewolf DNA
couldn't stand it

and spontaneously burned up
and removed all werewolf traits

and turned Ted
into a fun-loving uncle

who brings toys at Christmas.

But, damn, voiceover
journal entries as a way

to tell us that Uncle Ted is
struggling with his wolfiness?

And this is from one

of the hottest screenwriters
in Hollywood?

I almost expect him to say,
"Dear Diary," you know?

I haven't talked about
Mariel Hemingway yet,

though, other than to say
that she's the perky mom.

So Mariel Hemingway is
the perky mom.

Thank you for clarifying.

-I don't want to say
she's phoning it in

on this one, but...
-She's phoning it in

on this one.
-All right. Well, thank you.

I mean, there's not much
to the role.

The lead in the movie
is the dog.

The second lead
is a 10-year-old boy.

The third lead is
an intense werewolf.

She's number four.

So she's basically in the movie

because you can't have
a 10-year-old boy in the film

unless he has
at least one parent.

So yeah,
she's there for exposition.

So we can't blame her
that much for not standing out.

But Eric Red was not kind
to her.

He went out of his way
to say that she was,

"limited as an actress."

He said she couldn't
really deliver the emotion

that he wanted when
she was supposed to be scared.

Um, it would seem, though,
that she would find that easy,

since she was born

into the famously dysfunctional
Hemingway family,

all the descendants

of the famous novelist
Ernest Hemingway.

Her family tree is full
of alcoholism, suicide,

schizophrenia, but
she's sort of the normal one.

Um, Ernest Hemingway is
her grandfather,

and her film debut at age 14
was in "Lipstick,"

the movie that starred
her older sister Margaux.

But her breakout role was
in Woody Allen's "Manhattan"

at the age of 18,

and that resulted
in an Oscar nomination

for Best Supporting Actress.

And then she starred in
"Personal Best" as a track star.

She starred as Dorothy Stratten
in Bob Fosse's "Star 80."

She had roles
in "Creator, "Superman IV."

But the real drama was at home,

where her sister Muffet
had a drug problem

and a mental health problem,

and her sister Margaux committed
suicide at the age of 38.

And Mariel later wrote
about her formative years,

and she said, from the age of 7,
she was the family "fixer."

She would clean up
after the drunken parties

so that nobody would feel sad
in the morning.

Um, and Margaux, by the way,

was the last of seven suicides

in that extended Hemingway
family, including, of course,

Ernest Hemingway himself.

And the way she got
the name Mariel

is that that was
the name of Hemingway's

favorite fishing village
in Cuba.

So apparently you
can't escape the Hemingway name.

By the time of this movie,

though, she had settled into
a fairly solid acting career.

She was nominated
for a Golden Globe

as a lawyer in the
"Civil Wars" TV series,

starring opposite
John Mellencamp in a movie

called "Falling from Grace."

So I doubt that playing
the mom in a werewolf movie

was much more
than a paycheck job.

Anyway, Morgan Creek was
breathing down Eric Red's neck.

Eric Red was being mean
to Mariel Hemingway

to try to get a performance
out of her.

He admits, making her,
"hate my guts,"

so that she would get
more emotional.

And while all of that
is going on,

the cute little dog that
Eric Red chose from a photo

turns out to have A.D.D.
His attention span is so short,

they sometimes have to shoot
50 close-ups --

and I'm not making up that
number -- to get one good one.

And now Thor is
in the city pound.

But I think we all know there's
no way he's gonna stay there.

So roll the flick. Go.

-Is that a good thing
or a bad thing

to be named
after a fishing village?

-Well, it's good 'cause it's one
of her father's good memories.

-Actually it's not.

It was her grandfather's
good memories.

And then her father
was memorializing the experience

of her grandfather,

like, "Remember that blue marlin
that Grandpa caught?

Well, that's what I thought
of the day you were born."

So

-Fine.
It's not a good association.

-I mean,
she did become a supermodel,

so presumably she knew she
didn't look like a blue marlin.

But, you know.

-You can't assume that.
Supermodels are self-conscious

like everyone else.

-You know those people

who came across the Straits
of Florida

trying to set foot on America
and get a green card from Cuba?

They call them Marielitos

because they board
the boats in Mariel.

-Hmm.
Fun fact.

-I am just full
of Cuban fishing village lore.

-Of course you are.

-It's probably genetic.

It happens with shepherds.
It's the way they breed them.

-Thor's pedigreed.

It doesn't happen to pedigrees.

-You're gonna have to see a
doctor for that.

-No, I won't.
It's just a flesh wound.

No veins or tendons were cut.
Nothing I can't take care of.

-You're gonna need a
tetanus shot.

-I can give myself a
tetanus shot, Janet.

-Excuse me a second.

-I'm sorry about your dog, son.

Come here.

Come here!

There'll be other animals
in your life.

-Brett.

Brett.

It's time for bed.

-I'll be right up.

-I guess I'll turn in, too.

-Ted.

-Yes, Janet?

-If I ask you a question...

...will you tell me the truth?

-Of course.

-Where's Marjorie?

-Seattle.

-Come on!

Oh, shit!

Hey, Thor!

-Company?

Just what I came here
to get away from.

Sis?

Janet?

-Is it you?
-Yeah, Ted.

What the hell's going on?

-Playing Nancy Drew, are we,
sis?

You caught me
at a rather awkward moment.

I was just about to...

restrain myself.

But now that you're
already here,

that might be
somewhat pointless.

-You're gonna come clean
with me right now!

Family love, Janet.

I thought it could save me,
but I was wrong.

But, hey, we all make mistakes!

You sent the
dog to the pound, Janet.

I warned you.

I told you I shouldn't be here,
but you wouldn't let me go.

You wanted to play big sister.

You had to be right.

You always have to be right,
Janet,

but this time
you're wrong!

You should have listened
to the dog, Janet.

He was trying to protect you.

-Ted?

-Handcuffs, Sis, I was going to
use these on myself.

-Can you believe that?
-What's happening?

-They -- They were supposed
to keep people

from finding out about my...

private affair.

My mistress.

-Oh, my God.

-But, you...

You already know,
don't you, sis?

-Yes, you know.

The handcuffs won't keep
my little secret

a secret any longer.

Come back here!

You stupid bitch!

-Pretty dang
cool transformation,

but it seems like Uncle Ted

goes pretty
quickly from, "Family love

might be able to save me,"

to, "Come back, you stupid
bitch."

There's some CGI in the middle
of the practical

that doesn't really work,

but, otherwise, this is
a good setup for the finale.

And I'm wondering, though,

why Janet is in the woods
in the first place.

She knows it's dangerous because
she considers taking a gun.

She knows that Ted lied to her
about Marjorie.

She knows he's a werewolf,

so why would she
be confronting him?

My favorite line is, "You
always have to be right, Janet.

I warned you not
to let me be here.

You should have listened to
the dog."

But there still doesn't seem
to be enough there

for him to be an actual danger
to Janet and Brett.

Thor? Yes, he hates Thor.
He even pees on Thor's house.

That's a great moment.
But they should have --

They should have been
more careful with the rules.

They don't make Ted sympathetic
or unsympathetic.

They don't really reveal
his exact place in his family.

He's just struggling
with his werewolfdom.

Um, I'm going to take
Michael Paré at his word

that he considers this
his best performance,

but he had some other
great ones.

Michael Paré actually set
out to be a chef.

His only formal education
prior to acting

was at the Culinary Institute
of America,

and he still likes
to cook for his directors

and his co-stars
and anybody else he works with.

He was working as a chef
in his native New York City

when Joyce Selznick,
the legendary agent

and casting director,

discovered him and made the
stereotypical,

"Listen to me, kid."

You know? "Do what I say and
I'll make you a fucking star.

I took Tony Curtis
off the streets of the Bronx,

and I can do the same thing
for you."

And she kind of did that.

She got him 30 episodes
as a punk high school student

on the ABC series
"The Greatest American Hero,"

and she got him his first movie
lead as Eddie Wilson in "Eddie

and the Cruisers."

But then she died

and he never really found
anybody to replace her.

So at the age of 22,
he's making $225 a week,

working six days a week,
12 hours a day in a restaurant.

By the age of 24,

he's making a million bucks
a year

doing movies like "Streets
of Fire" for Walter Hill,

"The Philadelphia Experiment."

But he's drowning in Hollywood,
kind of aimless.

Um, listen to this quote
from Michael Paré --

"Joyce loved me
and took care of me,

but after she died, I needed
a tough-guy, thug manager.

I needed somebody to say,
"Listen, just fucking do this.

Get your ass to class,
get to diction class,

go to martial arts class,
go to the gym.

Don't be hanging around
trying to figure life out.

This is it.

Just work on your craft
and stay healthy.'

That's what I needed.

And nobody would do that.

It was like, 'It's okay,
he's crazy.

He's a wild rock star
and he can do what he wants.'"

And these guys burn quick.

And the reason everybody
thought he was a wild rock star

is that everybody thought
he was Eddie Wilson in "Eddie

and the Cruisers," because
he lip-synced that music video,

which was the song "On
the Dark Side" by John Cafferty

and the Beaver Brown Band.

Michael Paré
was not a singer.

He had no musical experience.

He just looked like a rock star.

And so he was treated
like a badass.

He was actually just
a really committed actor

who treated acting like a sport.
You got to go out there

and take batting practice
and field 200 grounders a day,

or you lose your edge.

So he starred in "Houston
Knights" -- CBS police series

alongside Michael Beck.

He made "World Gone Wild"
with Bruce Dern.

He made a lot of money
doing Japanese commercials.

He did "Village of the Damned"
for John Carpenter,

and somehow he ended up living
in Holland,

when he got
the call for this movie,

and so he flew to L.A.,

met with Eric Red
on the Warner Bros. lot.

And he loved the script so much,

especially the idea
of transforming into a werewolf,

that he said, "What do I
have to do to be in this movie?"

And Eric Red said,
"Just say yes."

And by then he was
hardcore Actors Studio.

And when Red told him, "Look,

it's going to take
four hours to put that makeup on

and the prosthetics on you
in order to be the werewolf,

and it's going to take at
least that long to take it off,

and we need to shoot
12 hours a day

so that means you're going
to need to sleep in the trailer

for four days,

and it's not going to be
very much sleep at all."

And he said, "I would do that
for 10 days.

That is totally worth it."

And so the result is what
we're going to watch right now.

Best part of the movie by far.

And remember, the stunt double
for Thor in the fight

is a Russian attack dog that was
huge and trained to kill.

And the guy who gets attacked
at the moment of impact

is stunt coordinator
Ken Kirzinger,

who was a big man,

which makes the fact

that he gets thrown
all the way across the room

all the more remarkable.

So have a good time before we
go back to the Hallmark ending.

Roll it.

-Deep family love didn't cure
him, Darcy.

-No, it did not.

-Are you disappointed?

-I don't think
I've ever seen a curse reversal.

-You mean somebody gets bitten
and they go full wolf

and then they revert to normal?

-Yeah, exactly.

I don't think so.

-Well, that's
another good Hallmark plot

that we have to do.

Or werewolfism
could go into remission,

or the werewolves
could go to counseling.

They could all go to
werewolf rehab --

W.A.

And they sit around and tell
each other, "One day at a time,"

and they give their testimonies
about being a werewolf.

"I haven't chewed on a human
in 340 days."

"Keep it up, Bill."
You know?

"I ate the dog."

"Well, that's okay.
You're on the road to recovery."

And then occasionally
somebody comes in with, "Okay,

I ate my cousin last night and
I'm feeling terrible about it."

"Okay, Stu, we understand.
You made a mistake.

Was the cousin underage?
Okay. All right.

Good. All right.
We'll deal with it.

Group hug."

-Thor,
I'm gonna get you out.

Come here.
Come on.

-Aah!

-Come here, Thor.
All right, Thor, come on.

Come on, you're free.
Let's go.

Aah! Aah!

-Thor, we gotta get out of here.

Oh, yes!

Aah!

-Brett! Brett! Brett!

Aah!

-Ma!

Mom!

Get the fuck off my son!

Do it.

Finish it.

-Hey, there, big guy.

You saved us.

You're our hero, Thor.

Yeah.

Oh, Thor.

You're a good dog.

-Mom, is everything okay?

-Yeah.

Yeah, everything's okay.

Everything's okay.

Gee, Thor, hello.

Come here.

-I actually think that
would have been a great ending.

Thor turns into a werewolf,

but alas, it's only
a dream and Thor gets head rubs

from his loving owners.

That last fight scene starts
in the Olympic National Forest,

moves to the house,

includes a frantic chase
through the street

with Bret on his bike
and Thor evading automobiles,

and moves back out of the house
to the front lawn

and ends up back in the forest.

That sequence took four days
and used live animals,

attack dogs, stuntmen,
stunt women,

multiple werewolf suits,
special makeup effects,

animatronics, dog dummies,
pyrotechnics,

other physical effects,
and a whole lot of blood.

So to get ready
for the fight scenes,

Michael Paré would play
Johnny Cash's

"The Beast in Me"
in his trailer.

There were two geniuses involved

in the special effects
department.

Steve Johnson built
that huge, convincing,

imposing werewolf, shaggy,

barrel chested,
huge headed, articulated jaws.

Usually you can only show
the werewolf in short bursts,

but this werewolf could
definitely take a close up,

right, Darcy?

-He is beautiful.

-My problem with the movie
involves the writing,

which is strange because that's
what Eric Red is known for.

Was Ted a sociopath prior
to getting infected?

We don't really know.

And so we can't like him as much
as we might otherwise.

There's no real affection
between Ted and Janet,

or between Ted and Brett,

and the close relationship
Ted had with the dog

before he went to Nepal --

we know this from the book --
is not shown or even hinted at.

Why does he go out
every night instead of

just full moon nights?

In other words,

why not make him
more sympathetic

so the dog is confused
about the right thing to do?

And also,
we can't really believe

that family love
is going to save him

when he doesn't seem
to like his family that much.

Plus, we never see him grieve
for his girlfriend or rail

against what fate
has done to him,

or really address the big issue
in his life at all.

What do you think, Darcy?

-It has some
really cute moments,

and it has some scary moments,

but I would have liked to see
you more werewolf and less dog

if I'm going to be real.

-Michael Paré would go on
to a long career.

Still working today.

Has been in every kind
of movie imaginable,

from "Hope Floats"
to "The Virgin Suicides"

to a Chinese television series
set in Las Vegas and Saipan.

He's been in every
Uwe Boll movie.

That's something
nobody else can say.

And he has very interesting
opinions about film.

For example, he's a great
admirer of Anthony Ferrante,

the director
of the "Sharknado" films,

and he thinks somebody should
give Ferrante a big budget.

But anyway, Paré has had
more than 300 performances

since he was plucked
out of that restaurant

by Joyce Selznick.

And Mariel Hemingway
also remains busy.

She works in both TV and movies

while living on top
of a mountain in Malibu,

and lately, she's
been producing family movies.

Ernest Hemingway's
"A Moveable Feast",

a documentary
called "Sisters Hemingway",

and a series about
her famous grandfather's life

in Cuba in the 1950s.

Mason Gamble, who played Brett,

worked a few more years
before he hit that brick wall

that most child actors
encounter.

He had started his career with
a small role in "Groundhog Day"

when he was 7.

He starred in
"Dennis the Menace"

opposite Walter Matthau.

the same year, but he
was not used in the sequels.

He had roles in Leslie Nielsen's

"Spy Hard"
and Wes Anderson's "Rushmore",

and his busiest year
was probably 2001,

when he appeared
in multiple episodes

of the TV series "Kate Brasher".

At the age of 24, he retired
from film and enrolled at UCLA,

where he got advanced degrees
in marine biology.

Eric Red would continue to work
as a writer and a director,

despite filing for bankruptcy
twice, in 1995 and 2001.

He wrote and produced the HBO
western "The Last Outlaw",

starring Mickey Rourke.

He directed a supernatural
thriller called "100 Feet".

He made a TV movie
called "Night of the Wild".

He created a graphic novel
called "Containment"

that became a comic book series.

He was fairly bitter about
his treatment by Morgan Creek,

which released "Bad Moon"
in 900 theaters,

but they released it on
the day after Halloween in 1996,

and in his opinion, they gave
it absolutely no support.

Made about $1 million worldwide
on a $6 million budget.

In the year 2000,

Eric Red sent his
Jeep Grand Cherokee crashing

through a bus stop and into
a bar on Wilshire Boulevard

in LA and killed two people.

And at the accident scene,
he picked up a shard of glass

and attempted suicide
by slitting his own throat.

He recovered from that,

and he escaped prosecution
after claiming

that the whole incident happened
during a blackout,

but he lost this drawn out
wrongful death suit

after a judge determined that
he had acted intentionally in

a, quote,
"fit of uncontrollable rage."

Um, so then his latest movie,
"Night of the Wild",

which is about a meteorite
that burns --

that turns dogs
into vicious killers,

is an asylum release
which premiered on SyFy

about 10 years ago.

One more reason I don't like to
drive in LA, Darcy.

-Dude, that is mind boggling.
-Things like that can happen.

All right.

-But here's something
that will make you happy.

-Really? Okay
-Yes. Hold on.

This one has a gift inside.

-Okay. I like
the ones with gifts.

-I know.

-And -- Oh, wow.

It's my very own copy
of "Snakehead Swamp."

-You're welcome!

Because it's from
the screenwriter of

"Snakehead Swamp",
Greg Mitchell.

-All right.

-"Dear Joe Bob, enclosed herein
is a copy of 'Snakehead Swamp',

the first SyFy Channel original

I wrote back in the heyday
of the SyFy Channel.

Saturday night
creature features.

To date, I believe it is
the greatest movie ever made

about genetically
engineered voodoo killer fish.

And I'm immensely grateful I had
the opportunity to work on it.

It co-stars the iconic
Antonio 'Huggy Bear' Fargas

and is a real hoot.

Though I could be biased.

I'd love to know
if you have ever met him."

I do have a Huggy Bear story,
but this is a long letter,

so I better not tell.
-Tell the story.

-"I very much appreciated
your Sharknado episode.

It was a real delight seeing
you turn the spotlight

on that particular sub-genre
of B-movies.

I can't speak
for all those shows,

but I know that on the ones
I worked with,

we had a total of two weeks

principal photography
with the weekends off.

And while many look down on
those movies

for their inherent cheapness,

I'm actually pretty proud
of what everybody was

able to accomplish
with such insane constraints

on time and budget.

Everyone worked hard,

and while they didn't take
themselves too seriously,

they always took
the work seriously,

helping to put out
some fun summer entertainment

for the creature
loving audience.

Seeing that recognized
by 'The Last Drive In'

felt like a good validation.

So thank you guys for that."

Okay, and then Greg goes into
some stuff here

about meeting me
at a convention in Little Rock

and going to
the Memphis Jamboree.

-It's a lot.
-And when I met you,

I was still grieving
the loss of my friend Zach.

Um, who,
for all intents and purposes,

had been my own
personal horror host.

Um, I know my story is
only one of thousands

you've received
over the years about

how you have made a difference,

both big and small, in the lives
of the people you've touched.

You have provided
a welcoming home for us mutants

in your very cramped trailer,

and have taught us so much
about movies and yes, life.

I can't imagine you thought
horror host would be

your life's calling.

Ha-ha.

But I thank you
for accepting that call.

It's made all the impact
in the world.

Hey, hey,
in the hayloft, indeed.

All the best, Greg Mitchell,
Paragould, Arkansas.

He's talking about some
comparisons I made to my life

and the plot
of "Sullivan's Travels."

That "Hey, hey,
in the hayloft part."

Anyway, thank you, Greg,
for sharing your story with us

and especially for sharing the
brilliance of "Snakehead Swamp"

with us.

But I would like to say
that if my obituary

or my gravestone says
"horror host" on it,

I'm good with that.

People can relate to that.

A lot of stuff I do,
people cannot relate to.

So yeah,
we should have more horror hosts

and fewer cable news hosts.

The world will be a nicer place,
in my opinion.

Anyway, what do you think
of "Snakehead Swamp", Darcy?

-I have not seen it yet.
-What?!

-Sorry!
-You haven't seen it?

Are you kidding me?
-No.

-Tomorrow night,
you're watching it.

-I will watch it soon.
-Yes, soon. Tomorrow night.

And that's it for me,
Joe Bob Briggs, speaking for

myself, and Darcy
the mail girl,

when I say that whenever
you have an election and

some dude wins, who's as useless
as a donkey dick, don't get mad.

Just remember that fair is
a place where they judge pigs.

-All right.
-Oh, I get it.

-Too many metaphors.
-I get it.

-Too fast.
-I don't --

-For some people, yes.
-All right.

-I'll tell you
what does make sense.

-Okay.
-The drive in will never die.

Silas.

-What? Oh, no.

-Silas went to see
his friend Hatfield,

who was dying in the hospital,
and as Silas stood by the bed,

the frail Hatfield got worse
and worse,

and then he started
waving his arms,

gesturing frantically
for something to write on.

And so Silas handed him a pen
and a paper,

and Hatfield used
his last ounce of strength

to scribble down a note.

As soon as he finished
that note, he died.

So Silas put the note
in his pocket.

He was unable to read it
in his grief.

And a few days later,

Silas was talking to Hatfield's
family at the funeral,

and he realized he still had
that note in his pocket,

in the pocket of his jacket,
so he announced to the family,

"Hatfield handed me
this note just before he died,

and I haven't read it yet.

But knowing him,

I'm sure there's a word
of inspiration for all of us."

And then he unfolded the note,
and he read it out loud.

"You're standing
on my oxygen tube."

All right, all right.
Alright.

I'm going to try again.
Okay?

90 year old woman bursts
into the men's day room

at the nursing home, raises
her clenched fists in the air,

and says, "Anybody who
can guess what I have in my hand

can have sex with me tonight."

Man in the back
shouts, "An elephant!"

The woman thinks for a minute
and says, "Close enough."

-I'll take it.
I'll take it.

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, yeah,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.