Original subtitles

Thanks to all of my guests for today's show. And remember, here at the Zora

Show, if we can't cure your problem, you don't have one.

And now, here are some very special parting gifts from me to all of you.

such a giver.

Okay, all you Zara fans, we're on the hunt for the world's greatest mom. So

in your letters and you might be selected for our very special episode

L .A. entitled Mom, the greatest gift and the biggest influence in my life.

to me, of course.

I'm just kidding. But not really.

So, until next time, love your spirit.

And more importantly, me.

Mama, I wonder if we could win that.

Last year's winner got a new car.

Here, baby.

Start writing and don't forget all the good stuff I done for you. Good idea.

That'll make it nice and short.

show about why my mom's so special.

Now what else can I say?

It's true. You can always talk about her tough love, you know, the constant

threats.

Intimidation tactics. Adulthood beatings.

Come on, guys. Mama's never threatened me.

Kim, if I catch you wearing my expensive perfume again, I'm gonna beat it all

up.

I'm sorry, Mama. It smelled like your cheap perfume to me.

Nikki, Kim was just telling us about her letter.

What you think?

Well, besides the spelling errors, bad punctuation, and chicken grease stains,

you need to spice it up.

Spice it up?

La.

I did.

Right here where it says you never gave me any whoopings.

Let me see that.

I'll do it myself. See, I watched enough of those door shows. I know what

they're looking for. Shut up.

I think I've just seen an angel.

Oh, thank you. I need that.

Not you.

Her.

That's the honey I've been checking for all week.

You guys are looking at the future. Mrs.

Radcliffe. Gee, she is way out of your league. And your age group.

Angel ain't nothing but a number.

All right, then go over there and talk to her.

No. I mean, I'm just waiting for the right time.

Like now?

talk to you.

Yes?

Is he a foreign student?

I don't know.

Never mind. We're sorry to have bothered you.

Man, you sounded like Missy Elliott.

Hey, team, maybe Professor Ogilvie can help you out. He's experienced with

mature women. That's because he's old.

Good job.

I don't need any help.

Professor, I've got a question for you. Hey, T.

School related.

What's up?

I need some advice.

Shoot. How do you approach an older woman?

I don't.

Hey.

So you still haven't seen your lady friend?

Been a week, but she finally showed up.

Did you do like I told you to?

Yep. I wrote everything down you said and put it on her windshield this

Along with the rose.

A rose?

Yep. That was my idea.

There's hope for you yet.

Oh, here she comes.

That's her?

Damn.

Excuse me.

Someone left me a note and a rose asking me to meet him here.

Your name wouldn't happen to be T, would it?

Yes, but all my friends call me Thaddeus.

Aren't you that foreign student?

Well, I was born in Compton.

Thaddeus, my name is Claire.

Thanks so much for the poem.

It was lovely.

You have quite a talent.

Thank you, thank you.

Why don't we get together for dinner sometime?

I dabbled in a little poetry myself.

Maybe we can share notes.

Excellent idea.

Good. Tomorrow night?

Stefano? Around eight -ish?

Eight -ish? Sounds great -ish.

You're supporting me again.

Yeah.

I'll see you then.

All right.

Damn.

How'd it go?

Man, she wants to go to dinner. What am I going to do?

Go to dinner!

talk about? T, T, T, T.

Don't wimp out on me now, my boy.

Listen, I have an idea.

Have you heard of Cyrano de Bergerac? Yeah, ain't he down with 50 Cent?

T, your generation scares me. No, the story of Cyrano is about a guy... Hey,

man, forget that. Look, why don't you just come to the restaurant and coach me

through it?

Why didn't I think of that?

Because you're not pimpin'.

You're going to pay me back the $50 you owe me.

No. We won.

We're going to be on the Zora show.

Oh, great. Well, I hope the topic is, Kim, you owe me money.

That's stupid.

Who would watch that?

Mama, come on. We got to go.

Let's go. We're going to be late.

Where are you going?

Isn't it obvious?

Shoot. I'm going to be there. She might give free gifts away to the audience.

with martinis with pork rinds.

Well, it didn't bother me last week.

What a week before that. Oh, my stomach is tore up.

I can't make it, baby.

But I can't go without a mama, mama.

And I can't go.

Oh!

And now, let's welcome to the show the winners of our special mom episode, Kim

Parker and her mother...

Welcome to the show, ladies.

Thank you. Thank you.

You know, I just have to start off by saying, Kim, your letter, it was quite

moving. I mean, it's hard to believe that suddenly and without warning, you

kicked out of your apartment, forced to live in the street, in a cardboard box.

Mama fixed it up real pretty.

She even cut out a window.

You see, that's so special.

Nikki, why don't you tell us the rest of the story?

Nikki?

Oh, yeah, right, that's me.

Well,

let's see now.

I really think you should tell the story. It's your show.

Well, I do tell a good story, don't I?

At one point, you found yourself in jail because you were stealing food from the

local snack and go just to feed Kim.

Wow.

I've been through a lot.

Yes, you have been through a lot. You pitiful thing. This is a disaster, TV.

You're telling me. If they give out gifts to the audience, I'm going to be

really mad that I got stuck here taking care of you.

They're going to blow it.

Look, I got to get down there.

Oh, oh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.

Look, I just need you to drive me.

Okay, but under one condition.

What, girl? You go potty one more time before we go.

What's the plan, Professor?

Okay, here.

Put this in your ear.

Oh, this is cool.

Where'd you get this equipment?

Hey, hey.

Does James Bond reveal his sources?

You borrowed this from the nerds in the audiovisual department, didn't you?

They're not nerds. They're just misunderstood, lonely geniuses.

Bringing back high school memories, huh, Professor?

I'll talk into this tiny microphone, and whatever I say, you repeat back to

Claire. Did you get that? Sure did. Okay, good. Now you say something, and

remember to speak loud and clear.

Okay.

Got it.

Girl, you must be exhausted, because you've been running through my mind all

long.

You're still a virgin, aren't you?

How did Kim manage to take care of herself while you were in jail?

Jail?

It was so painful, I just blocked it all out.

Well, um, I had to work at this greasy truck stop flipping burgers.

And every week, I sent all my pennies to Mom in jail, along with a pack of

cigarettes.

Amazing. Um, how long ago did this happen? About 15 years ago.

So you were five years old?

No, she was 15.

Her memory's shot. It was that tragic grease fire.

What grease fire?

See, maybe we should just move on.

Here she comes. Here she comes.

Good evening, Thaddeus.

Good evening, Claire.

I hope I didn't keep you waiting.

No problem. Although time away from you is time wasted.

That's corny.

What?

I mean, any time away from you is time wasted.

Aren't you the charming one?

So, tell me about yourself.

All right.

Well, when I'm not on the golf course, I dabble in political affairs. For

instance, I think that the Republican movement is diverging towards a more...

palatable state where the psyche of social consciousness is involved.

Charming and smart.

That is, it's hard to believe I'm talking to a 22 -year -old.

Well, I've always been older than my ears.

Well, I've always been older than my ears.

Ears? Uh, yes.

Ears to you.

The poetry that you sent me was great. I love the spoken word. I'm really into

Rita Dove, Roz Baraka, Sonia Sanchez. Who do you like?

I'm partial to Heinrich Heim, Francisco Petrach, and William Wordsworth.

Well, I'm partial to Heinrich Heim, Francisco Petrach, and

Willy Wonka.

Wow.

Those are some real heavyweights, Thaddeus. I'm impressed.

Willy Wonka is in the chocolate factory?

Yeah. He's deep.

Feeling ashamed that I still seem to pass over your beauty, lady.

Feeling ashamed that I still seem to pass over your beauty, lady.

In a rhyme, I remember when I saw you for the first time.

That's beautiful.

Is there more?

I don't know. Let me check.

I guess not, huh?

Oh, wait a minute. There's more.

Saw you made for my love as no one was.

Needs more pepper.

Needs more pepper.

Not you, Beavis.

The food.

Not you, Beavis. The food.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Okay.

Um, Adia, are you bipolar?

No, but I can be.

And then I was working in a children's sweatshop, weaving ponchos together with

raw cotton, and...

I can go.

Kim, what's going on?

Um, she's my other mom.

Kind of like us. She's like my dad. She's the mannish one.

Oh, I get it. Yeah.

You two are life partners.

Did you see my show on life partners? I am so in touch.

Audience, it looks like Kimmy has two monies.

Yeah.

So, do you see?

It's out now. It's out.

Let it go. I love you.

You know, here at the Zora Show, we believe that money and cars and trips

cure everyone's pain.

So I've got some good news.

We're going to help you forget that difficult past with a first -class trip

Jamaica.

Now it's all expenses paid and $10 ,000 spending money.

into my kindness.

Unfortunately, we can only think him with one mom.

Well,

I gave birth to her. I'm going to Jamaica.

What are you talking about?

You're the man, remember?

Ladies and gentlemen, please, don't argue.

Shut up.

See, that's why I left her. She's violent.

The Zora Show has been briefly interrupted.

We will resume our regularly scheduled program momentarily.

Well, Thaddeus, this has been interesting.

I'm glad you thought that.

Listen, I really like you, and I was hoping we could see more of each other.

Look, I think you're a great guy, but to be honest with you, you're just a

little bit too stuffy for my taste.

A lot like my ex -husband. I thought since you were young, you would be more

spontaneous.

To tell you the truth, I'm just looking for someone who's interested in wild

butt -naked sex.

Hey, then I'm your man. Let's go. Let's do it. Stop it. Stop it.

Now, look, you don't have to pretend with me. I understand you're a mature,

sophisticated man.

You'll make someone a nice...

Respectable husband, doctor.

No, I won't. I'm not respectable. I'm a dog.

I won't.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Too bad.

I'm really horny.

Wait, I'm horny, too.

What should I do now, professor?

Professor!

Hey there.

Dan Lee is my name.

Butt naked.

my game.

Right this way.

Welcome back to our show.

You know, during our unexpected break, the producers and I discussed the

situation very, very carefully and...

You know what we've decided?

That all three of you deserve to go on this trip. Give Zora some love!

Yeah, your story was very moving.

You know what? Don't tell anyone.

We pulled a scam on them.

Scam? Yeah.

We just made stuff up so we could get on the show.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

Mama. Oh, this is a fan of ours. He saw us on the Zora show.

Oh, hey. Pretty nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Adam Myers, the producer of the Zora show.

I stopped by to drop off your prize, but... Listen.

I'm glad you're here. Look, can we get a limo ride, too, and from the airport?

Because we poor, and we don't have a car.

Normally, I'd say yes, but since you lied to us, you're not getting diddly

squat. Have a nice day.

But I... Endo, then.

Cal, I'm a wait -wait.

You are the best mama in the whole wide world, and I am ready to whoop your ass.

Feeling ashamed that I still think to pass over your room?

Get away from me.

What a shame that I... Wait a minute, let me see.

He said, get away from me.