Original subtitles

Woody, I need a seat.

What's this?

A milk crate.

Sorry, budget cuts.

This place just hasn't been the same since they fired the professor.

Yeah, look at it.

It's falling to pieces.

It's starting to look like my apartment.

I sort of miss that old corny dude myself.

Now that I'm here to run stuff, there's been no open mic nights, no concerts, no

parties. Yeah, what's the point of coming to school?

Hey, Nikki.

What a long face.

I miss my boo.

Mickey, you can see him every day. He lives right downstairs from you.

Between him working and avoiding me?

I never get to see him.

Who would have guessed that my boy would end up slinging groceries at the local

snack and go?

See, Mama, you can have all the edumacation in the world and still be a

No, no.

No. Now, my boo is no loser. He's just going through tough times.

This college is making a big mistake.

And I'm going to let them know it.

Girl, your mama sure can move.

Yeah, I guess all that stalking keeps her in shape.

I won't be able to see.

Why not?

My parents are going to be here.

Don't I get to meet them?

Why?

Because I'm your girlfriend.

Trust me, it's for your own good.

My mom can be a little tough on people.

Tougher than my mom.

Well, not as violent, but... Don't worry, mothers love me.

All right, I mean, we'll give it a shot. How about Friday night?

Okay. Cool.

I better get to class.

You guys, you got to help me.

Why? What's up?

I'm going to meet Alan's parents this weekend.

Well, if you want to make a good first impression, you should dress

conservatively. Oh, you're right. I should wear a bra.

Why don't you fix him a nice meal? Parents are always like that.

It'd be easier if I just wore a bra.

Hey, y 'all. Hey.

Put this on.

Put it on.

Put it on.

That's so beef.

I thought you liked the professor.

It means save our boo.

Now, just put him on.

Oh, yes, Nadine.

Hey, Dean Witter, can I speak to you a moment?

I'm afraid I'll have to wait. I'm late for a board meeting.

Now, I have signatures.

Look at all the people that want the professor back.

Look at all the people that want Elvis back, and that's not going to happen

either.

Nadine, you are in charge of the new budget.

Now, surely you can find the money somewhere.

I suppose I could cut my salary and use that to bring him back. Good idea.

But that would make me an idiot, wouldn't it?

Now, if you don't mind.

Dean, now I'm warning you. If you don't rehire my boo, I mean the professor,

we'll stage a protest the likes of which this campus has never seen.

Blah, blah, blah.

Good day, Miss Parker.

You see, I knew he'd bounce back.

How'd it go, Mama?

You think the smack and go got a pension plan?

Put your damn button on, girl.

Danny?

You call this restocking?

think it's going to matter if... Silence!

Your insolence annoys me.

From now on, you will wear these.

Oh, no. Come on. Do I have to?

No, you can always go back to Santa Monica College.

Oops, I forgot. They fired you.

Now, take this magic marker.

and change the expiration dates on all the milk cartons.

Well, hello there, lovely lady and her friend.

Thank you.

How can I help you this fine afternoon?

Well, you know, I... Not you.

Well,

I'm looking for an employee, Stanley Ogilvie. What has he done now?

I assure you, his punishment will be swift.

I'm just looking for him. He's busy right now, but I, Patel, owner and

bachelor, I'm at your service.

Oh, good.

You know, I mean... Not you.

I'll just wait for him.

Now, you look, if I...

Damn, you don't have to stare.

I'm not going to steal anything.

Oh, you already have?

all disrespect, but you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

But you must get tired of hearing this.

Don't worry, she won't hear it again.

It's true.

In my country, you would be worth two yaks and a parcel of land.

Funny, in my country, she ain't worth a movie and a box of popcorn.

Unbelievable.

A ravishing goddess not spoken for?

Well, actually, that's not... She's unspoken for, unattached, and

Oh, the gods have brought you to me.

Marry me. No, then work for me. Doing what? Oh, you know what.

You supervise my staff?

Uh, how many people?

Just Andy, the slacker.

The professor?

When do I start?

Immediately.

Something smells good.

You having dinner gas tonight?

No, tomorrow night.

Then why you starting so early?

Because of Ellen and his parents.

Oh, then you should have started last week.

I'm so nervous. What if his parents don't like me?

Listen, baby, just relax and be yourself.

They'll love you. And if not, Mama will beat them down.

Now, I got to go over to the printer's before I go to work.

I had some new BBB posters made for the professor.

BBB? Bring Back Boo.

What happened to SLB? It wasn't catchy enough.

All right, baby.

What do you think you're doing?

I can explain.

I told you to clean the slurp slurp machine I made.

What are you doing here?

She's your new boss.

What?

Me? Work for her?

Oh, hell no.

I quit.

Who am I kidding?

I have nowhere else to go.

I know.

Go get the mop.

Nothing, my little curried lamb.

I don't want you to lift a finger.

These pretty hands will take care of our children one day. What children?

The children we will create when I make sweet Indian love to you.

Oh, stop playing, Patty.

Okay, but once you go Hindu, you never go back.

I thought we'd never be alone.

Why are you always here?

Because we're a couple. No, we're not. Yes, we are.

He's a nasty.

And I've been on antidepressants ever since.

Oh, come on, boo. Now, cheer up. I got good news.

I am wearing Dean with a down.

Now, you will be back at SMC in no time.

Let go of me, you nutcase.

Hey, what are you doing? You pervert.

Taking advantage of her sexual innocence only to one day toss her aside.

Okay, now who am I, Shaq?

Do I look like I could toss her anywhere?

Save it, Imprudel.

You're fired. Wait.

No,

no, wait, wait, wait.

Now you can't fire my boo.

I can and I will.

But that's not fair.

Now he's already been fired once.

Obviously he's a lousy employee.

Now.

She goes.

Uh, boo, I'm sorry, baby, but one of us has to bring home the bacon.

Let's see.

I've got my turkey.

Hey, Kim.

Who are they?

Kim, I'd like you to meet my parents.

Your parents?

Come on in.

Um, baby, were you adopted?

It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Kim. Oh, yes. Alan has told us so much

about you.

And he's told me so little about you.

Oh, Alan, you didn't tell us this was going to be a dinner party.

That's quite a spread. How many guests are you expecting?

Let's see.

One, two, three.

I thought Fallon told you we're vegans.

Oh, I had a vegan friend once, but she couldn't learn the language, so she

back home.

I told you she had an offbeat sense of humor.

Hey, sorry, Kim. I didn't know you were cooking. My parents don't eat meat or

dairy. Well, what else is there?

Veggies. Oh, veggies.

Veggies. I got plenty of those. just take them out the can and nuke.

Canned vegetables?

Oh, don't worry. I'm going to spice them up with a bunch of bacon.

Mmm.

Bacon.

I'm sorry.

I meant yuck.

Bacon.

Kid, my parents used to be my size.

Yeah, that's right. But then we decided to turn our lives around when we

realized that we could no longer fit into our Hummer.

Now we do plenty of exercise and we eat smart.

Unfortunately, Alan hasn't come around yet, but we're hopeful, so I'm afraid

this food is going to go to waste.

Says who?

Because I'm going to eat them ribs. Alan, really, you don't know.

Miss Thomas, I've got something for you.

Oh, how sweet a gift. You didn't have to. That's not what Alan said.

detailed and fine Corinthian leather.

That's too rabid.

They ran out of baby seal. What's wrong?

My parents don't believe in killing animals.

They don't have to kill it. It's already dead.

So, what do you miss most about the professor?

Well, he was a man of great integrity.

charity, and honor, and I am deeply saddened by his passing.

Professor Stanley Ogilvie isn't dead.

Who?

I should beat you with this camera for wasting my tape.

Okay, Nikki, I'm ready for my close -up.

What are your feelings about the professor?

He was truly a father figure to me.

I mean, to be honest, he was more of a father than my own because my dad was

never there, you know? I mean, not that it mattered. I mean, I'm over it, but I

guess I'm not completely over it. I wouldn't be telling you this.

You know, everybody needs love, you know? Cut!

Y 'all are starting to frustrate the hell out of me.

T, get over here.

Now, how many signatures did you get?

One thousand.

In an hour?

sign 500, and Stevie sign 500.

Cool, cool, cool.

Now here, hold this camera.

I want to say something.

I'm Nikki Parker, and it's my humble opinion that my husband, Professor

Wayne Ogilvie... Nikki, you need to wrap it up.

I got to close.

I have a life, you know.

No, you don't.

All right, you got me there.

But I still need to close by 9.

And I need to get this tape over to Dean Withers' office.

Why? There's no one there this time of night. I know, but I can put it outside

his door, and he'll get it first thing in the morning.

All right, let's rest it all clear. Let's go. Let's go.

I came by to drop off this tape.

That door should have been locked.

And you should have been on beat.

Oh, how dare you?

I was on beat.

Didn't you ever learn how to knock? Well, I did, but you were too busy

your leg up like a showgirl.

You know, you're pretty flexible, Dean.

You really think so? Thank you. I stretch a bit.

Miss Parker, I'm sure I don't have to tell you the importance of discretion in

this matter.

Uh, Dean, perhaps we should discuss it and how it relates to getting the

professor his job back.

Oh, that's blackmail.

No, that's love.

Where did you get your shoes? I love them.

Hey, this is good.

Is that real cream?

Irving. What?

Is that spinach in it? I'm just going to try a little bit.

I'm sorry you couldn't eat anything, Miss Diamond.

Oh, that's all right. The water is refreshing.

Really? It's straight from the tap.

Alan, pass me one of them pork chops.

Irving, now really, I don't think... Shut up, Louise.

Can't you see two men are eating?

Well, I hope you're happy, Kimberly.

Yeah, they seem to be enjoying their food.

Where you going, Ma?

I will not sit here and watch her kill both you and your father.

Y 'all getting him.

They accept me.

They gotta accept you.

I mean, we're a team.

So, what's for dessert?

Me?

I was hoping for cheesecake.

No, I'm just kidding.

It's good to have you back, Professor.

Oh, thanks, Woody.

It's good to be back.

In your honor, we had a new item to the lunch menu.

Yeah? What is it? Corn dog.

Welcome back, Stanley.

Hasn't been the same without you.

So they tell me.

You finally figured out that you couldn't run this place without me, huh?

Actually, that had nothing to do with it.

Fortunately for you, Miss Parker can be quite persuasive.

Now, if you'll excuse me, since I had to relinquish part of my salary to pay for

your return.

I'm forced to eat the crap they serve here.

Bon appetit.

Hey, boo.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but that's actually music to my ears. Miss

Parker, I don't know how to thank you. And I want to keep it that way.

Hey, Nikki, we can't believe you were going to blackmail the dean with that

tape. I can't.

Please, I never even hit the record button.

But... The dean doesn't have to know that.

Speaking of the rocket.

Miss Parker.

Hey, dean.

Toot, toot.

Hey, beep, beep.