Original subtitles

Regan. Parker.

I'm going to give them an ultimatum. If they go, I go. The board has decided to,

well, let you go.

USC. That's right, isn't it? USC.

The best damn university in the country.

I'm the new professor at USC.

There is no USC.

Yeah, it's over there by South Central.

It's so cute.

Alan, your tutor?

Big, big Allen.

You agreed that we were going to keep this strictly on a Tudor, 2D basis.

Yeah, but this 2D thinks you're a cutie. Kim, Allen doesn't want you. Look, if

you're mad at me, I'm sorry.

when you kick me out?

Not tonight.

It was just one big horrible nightmare.

Miss Parker?

Oh, last night it was you, sweet chocolate thang.

Why are you wearing my robe?

Oh, I can take it off. Oh, hell no.

You must be tired after all that energy you spent last night.

Energy?

Please say we went to the gym.

Oh, you did give me quite a workout.

Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, now it's official.

We're a couple. No, no, no, no, no, we can't be.

Uh -uh, uh -uh, uh -uh, no back teeth.

Look, Miss Parker, just because we did it once doesn't mean that we're a

No, we did it more than once. Huh? More than twice. More than three times. Oh,

hell, I lost count.

Where are you going?

To meet my maker.

or are you just trying to annoy me?

I don't know what to do about Alan.

Big Alan?

Does everybody call him Big Alan?

For the same reason they call you D - I don't know.

All along, he's been acting like he wasn't interested.

Then suddenly, he kisses me and runs off.

Really? Mm -hmm. He can run?

I don't know what he wants to do.

Well, maybe you just need to sit him down and talk to him. He's probably just

really shy.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, y 'all.

Ooh, Mama, you got some.

Polly Berry?

I get that all the time.

Hi, Alan.

Look, Kim, last night was a mistake. I guess I had one too many. Drink?

Chicken wings.

I told you I eat when I get nervous.

When I'm happy, sad, or excited. Look, let's just forget the whole thing.

You don't like me?

I do like you.

You don't think I'm pretty?

I think you're beautiful.

Think I'm smart?

I gotta go to class.

That's fine.

All I do is think about you. You know, the way you laugh.

The way you say my name.

How soft your lips felt.

Ooh, well.

I mean... But girls don't like me. In case you hadn't noticed, I don't exactly

look like Will Smith.

No, but you do look like that kid from The Clown.

And nobody wants to go out with Hercules, Hercules.

So I want to stop now, man, before you wind up hurting me.

Alan, wait a minute. I don't care about all that other stuff.

I like you.

And I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.

You really mean that?

Promise.

You want to walk me to class?

Mm -hmm.

Baby, could you run to the drugstore and pick up Mama some Pepto -Bismol?

Oh, you sure have been getting sick a lot.

Yeah, Mama, I'm starting to get a little worried.

Oh, it's nothing.

Probably one too many pickle and marshmallow sandwiches.

Pickles and marshmallows?

What are you, pregnant?

Please, I wish.

Well, you can always take a pregnancy test.

I'm not wasting my money on no pregnancy test.

Hey, you don't have to.

I have one right here.

Nikki, try it just for fun.

All right, but it's a complete waste of time. Okay, come on.

Uh, and, uh... Yeah.

Professor?

Professor?

Let me in.

No. Go away.

I have something important to tell you.

Well, e -mail me.

What does this one say?

For the twelfth time, it says, I'm pregnant.

I didn't see that.

It can't be.

Didn't we practice safe sex?

Yeah, for the first two hours. But after that, it got fucked wild.

What am I saying? Who else could it be?

That's right, boo.

You know I never cheat on you. I need a drink.

What can I get you?

Hand me the Drano.

I know you're a bit nervous, but believe me, having a child is such a blessing.

Just think of it.

A little Professor Junior.

You could play chess together.

Go bike riding.

We'll be one big happy family.

I'm going to be a dad.

Hey, yo, Kim, wait up.

Alan, you didn't have to run.

I didn't.

You want to grab a quick snack?

No, we had lunch an hour ago.

An hour?

No wonder I'm hungry.

Hey, Kim.

Hey. What's wrong? You seem a little down.

It's Alan.

I thought things were going great.

Oh, he's really a nice guy, except he's so, so... You Norman?

You notice, too?

I thought you didn't care about his size.

I don't.

It's just he's starting to smother me.

Too much affection?

No, too much belly.

Well, I mean, if it bothers you that much, why don't you tell him to exercise

and go on a diet?

No, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He's a sweetheart, and he adores me.

I got to admit, you couldn't ask for a nicer guy.

What's up, Stevie?

We need to bring a snack.

I'll be right back.

And don't touch those.

Hey, Professor.

Hey, T.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my aunt lives this way. Picking up some sodas for her. What about you? Oh,

yeah, I had a meeting, you know, nearby.

How's it going over at USC?

Oh, great, great.

Couldn't be better. Hey, that's good, that's good.

Say, man, when are they going to give you a phone?

I mean, because every time I call, they say you're not listed.

They're still updating the campus directory.

Don't you have some sodas to get? Stanley, your break is over.

You're the assistant manager, not the owner.

Get back to work.

What's he talking about? Okay, well, T, you might as well know the truth.

This whole USC thing is a ruse.

The truth is, SMC fired me.

What? Yeah. Man, that's terrible.

Yeah, and this is the only job I could get.

What? Man, that's pathetic.

Well, I had to do something. I'm going to be a father.

You're going to be a father?

Hey, that's great, Professor.

Who's your baby mama?

I don't know.

How could you not know who your baby mama is? I know you had to be... Just

the damn sodas!

Hey, look here, frat.

You're my dog, all right?

Thanks, T. I appreciate it.

And, uh, T, uh, let's just... Keep this between us, okay? Oh, definitely. We're

going to keep this on the extreme down low.

Hey, Professor.

I've got Kim Mandel and Woody in the car. T said you could hook us up with an

employee discount.

Mama, Phil can't believe you're having a baby.

I know, Puddin'. Mama's just at the bride.

No. How did you get pregnant at your age?

Kim, I'm only 39.

That's what I mean. In a couple of years, you'll be 40.

Look,

I'm gonna go read to the baby.

Maybe this one will have a chance.

Big Papa's here.

What's this?

Oh, that's just a workout book I picked up. It's never too soon to get in shape.

Yeah, I guess so. Hey, what's for dinner? I'm starving.

Oh, I made something special for you.

Let me guess.

Fried turkey smothered in gravy?

No.

A slab of ribs with extra barbecue sauce?

German potato salad and honey glazed carrots?

No. Good, because I had that for lunch.

What's this?

Dinner. Is the rest in the oven?

Come on, give it a try. It wouldn't hurt to have a low -cal dinner every now and

then.

Oh, I get it.

The book, the dinner, you want to die.

That's right. I put on a few pounds lately.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to say anything, but... So, uh,

I thought that we would diet and exercise together. Won't that be fun?

So you want me to lose weight?

Only 10 or 100 pounds to start with.

Well, maybe I should pick my fat ass up and go.

Helen, I was only thinking about you.

Man, sure you are. For real, this is about your health. I don't want anything

happen to you.

So, you're not dubbing me? No.

I'm trying to work with you. And if you love me, then why aren't you willing to

try? I mean, man, I have tried, but it never works.

Baby, you haven't tried with me.

All right.

But can I pretend that's fried turkey and gravy?

Why not? I'm pretending I cooked it.

something good to drink.

Wait a minute.

Group hug first.

Huh? I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, son.

Now go get Daddy a nice refreshing soda.

That's my boy.

You got kids?

Expecting. Really?

You're not showing.

That was a good one.

Yeah, I tell you.

There's nothing like it.

Wife, kid.

Can't beat family.

Daddy, Daddy!

What's up, sport?

I missed you.

I missed you, too, son.

I'll take him, sweetie.

All right, thanks. Honey, this gentleman is expecting a child.

Well, he's not showing.

Oh, but seriously, I know you and the wife would be very happy.

Wife?

Uh, yeah.

We are.

Last one to the car is a rotten egg.

Hey, boo.

I'm glad you're here. Hey.

Um, I've been thinking about Nate.

If the baby's a girl... How did he strike you?

Stan Letter.

Stanlicia.

Oglavia.

Look, Ms. Parker, I don't care about the baby's first name. I just care about

the baby's last name.

I want our baby to have a family.

Ms. Parker, will you marry me?

This is so sudden.

You need more time? Oh, hell no. We can do it right now.

We can do it right now.

Let me go get my wedding bag. Wait, wait.

You have a wedding bag?

This is not a good time.

We're not going until we get cast.

Okay.

If you ever need my services again, could you please not include these

I'll have you know I get starred on Baywatch.

Drowning victim number two.

Shut your pie hole, Hank.

That whole group hug was way over the top.

Zip it, you little fake child, for a step on him.

The only thing you know how to step on are lines.

Boy, you... Ah! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. Here, here. Take all of it.

Just go. Now. Get to it.

Day player?

Extra.

I need a cigar.

Actors.

Hey,

Nicky, I just spilled my grape juice all over the professor's sofa.

Oh, baby, just flip the cushion over here and never notice.

Do you think the professor will mind if I use his phone?

No, girl, go ahead.

Oh, good.

Hello, operator?

Uh -huh. I'd like to make a person -to -person call to Zimbabwe.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Nikki, are you sure the professor will mind us being here? No, baby, he loves

entertain. Go on.

Hey, T, are we still going to order the fight? Yeah, right after we order the

concert.

Just let yourselves out when you're done.

Uh, Professor, you ran out of the fancy bubble bath.

No, no, my girl. No, girl.

You won't get in my face. You won't get in my face. You won't get in my face.

You won't get in my face.

Didn't we pray?

Didn't we practice? safe sex.