Original subtitles

Hey, Kim, you will be handling all the guest relations for the Mother's Day

Gala. Oh, good, because I haven't had relations in a couple of weeks.

No, Kim, I want you to announce people as they enter.

What? Hey, Mama's the loud one.

Who you calling loud?

Hi, Doc!

Hi, Boo.

I mean, uh, Miss Parker.

Ooh, I'm weighing you down.

Yeah, beating me down would be more like it.

Why is that banner hanging on the wall?

Because if it was on the floor, people would walk on it.

And he calls himself a college professor.

Well, you can take it down because the Omega Psi Phi have already booked the

student union.

No, there must be some mistake. Kim booked the student union for the Chi Chi

and Triple A Gala like a month ago.

Right.

Excuse me.

have a place to hold your gala.

Let me think for a minute.

You know, we could go to my house.

Whether we think here or at your house, we still need a place for the gala.

No, Kim.

We could have the gala at Stevie's house.

Good idea, but shouldn't we have Stevie first?

It's okay, Kim.

Okay, that was easy.

Now, who's going to hang up the banner at your house?

Why do we need a banner at my house? So people will know where they are.

stories before she gets any more bright ideas.

Hey, Kim, Stevie, I want to introduce you to my mom, Olivia.

It's so nice to meet you two.

Tia's always talking about you two.

And don't worry, baby, you're cute.

You'll get a man one day.

Thank you. I appreciate your concern.

And you must be Kim.

Marry rich.

Hey, uh, isn't this a tight Prada purse my mama's rocking?

Oh, it is, can you?

If you want one, I have plenty more in my trunk. Also have Gucci, Fendi, and

Louis.

Are they real? They're real cheap.

I thought T -Switch, you worked at a bank.

I do, but on the side, I sell designer bags, Avon, and I install carpet on the

weekends.

You know, life is better when you have lots of cheddar.

Wow. When do you sleep?

At the bank.

But you look just like my daughter, Talon.

Oh, she must be cute.

Professor Ogilvie, I want you to meet my mom, Olivia Radcliffe.

Your mother? She looks young enough to be your sister.

Well, thank you, Professor.

And she said that you were old and corny.

I'm kind of thirsty. You need anything? Some juice will be good, babe.

Professor? No, no. The corny old dude is cool.

You've done a great job raising tea, Miss Ratcliffe. He's a great kid.

Oh, thank you, but Professor, please, call me Olivia.

Only if you'll call me Stanley.

Ooh, this is a beautiful sweater.

Oh, thank you. Cashmere.

You know I can get these at half price.

Legally? With your five on?

That heifer better get her hands off my man.

What are you talking about?

live here?

Well, in that case, come on in.

Attention, everybody.

Presenting from the house of, well, this house, Stevie's Ball.

Um, Mother, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just came by for, uh, Mother's Day.

Mom, we haven't been together on Mother's Day since... Well, we've never

together on Mother's Day.

Well, I'm here now.

Not too close. Watch your makeup.

So, um, where's Daddy?

Oh, he left me.

Again?

This time some Scandinavian model who claims she's 20 years younger than me.

But I fixed him. I switched his Viagra pill to Midol.

Uh, don't worry. I'm sure he'll be back.

I know. I could use a drink.

Oh, okay. I'll get you some crystal.

I'm guilty.

You might want to read this.

Oh, is it your phone number?

Okay.

Attention, everyone.

This is Sheriff Bullock from the House of Law and Order.

With the notice that says you are hereby ordered to evacuate the premises.

What's going on? The Internal Revenue Service has put a lien on this house.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought you was here about my fake handicap sticker.

Now, according to the IRS, you owe them $10 million in back taxes.

$10 million?

How much is your front tax?

All right, guys, let's start loading up.

Everything in this house belongs to the government.

Mama, I don't want to belong to the government.

Mother, how could you let this happen?

I don't know. Your father makes the money. I just spend it. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

Excuse me, Sheriff.

having a Mother's Day celebration.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Happy Mother's Day.

May I borrow this, please?

Thank you.

May I have everyone's attention?

Everybody needs to evacuate this house immediately.

Party's over.

Come on, get this to me.

This party is not over.

Everybody follow me.

You don't shut nothing down.

Come on, Mama. Not me, honey. I love a good garage sale.

Sheriff, how much for this lamb?

Mama, nobody's spilling your figs in the blanket.

I haven't set the move yet.

Taste the honey, gonna get them jumping and munching.

Just like us.

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you give me your number, and I'll call you

about the sweaters. Oh, no problem.

See, T, I told you. See, give him her number.

Fat slut.

Hey, that's my mama.

Don't worry, T. I don't blame you.

That's not my mom.

Why is my picture in your house?

Girl, it came with a frame.

Mom, didn't you stash any money away, you know, like most gold diggers?

Of course I did.

Oh, good.

Oh, then my faith in ass dropped.

You mean you spent it on plastic surgery?

Well, not all of it.

Had to get a new wardrobe to show off the new me.

Well, now what are we supposed to do? I have maybe $10 in my purse.

Oh, no, you don't.

I took it to tip the cab driver.

Well, that's just great. We've got no money and no place to live.

You can always stay here.

Stay where, baby?

Why not?

Stevie and Sophia need a place to stay.

Well, I can stay with us when I get up on the thing.

No, we shouldn't do that.

Why not? You're family.

Mom, what do you think?

Okay, but where are they going to stay?

Stevie, having you live with me again feels like the good old days.

How? In the good old days, I had money.

You said money didn't mean anything to you. Well, that's what you say when you

have money.

What am I going to do now?

I don't know. Your mom's taking it pretty hard.

How can you tell? She's always asleep.

I don't understand how I came from her.

Oh, you didn't get that speech?

Okay, the boy, he has... No, Kim, Kim, I know how it works.

Okay.

I just mean we're so different, you know?

It's been three days. She hasn't done a thing.

Your mom never does anything.

She can't afford to do that anymore.

She's pathetic.

How can you say that?

It's true.

She's so helpless.

Well, if it was my mom and she was hurting, I would be there for her.

Oh, that brother better not be trying to get to my mama, man. I ain't going out

like that.

Um, T, you all right? No.

I can't believe the professor's going to marry my mama.

Honey, all she did was give him her phone number.

Yeah, that's how it starts.

First the phone number, then the date. Then before you know it, I have...

sisters, and I'm stuck at home babysitting.

Well, look, on the bright side, it's an easy A. What?

Did you just say my mother's an easy late?

Calm down, T.

Pull yourself together.

It's easy for you to say.

Professor's not about to become your daddy.

I don't know. My mama's been working on it.

Nikki,

you're a better woman than me.

That's not nice.

I don't know how you put up with that freeloading Sophia.

I'm happy I can be there for her. And I'm going to give her all the time she

needs to get herself together.

That's right.

That's what friends are for, girl.

What the... This place is a mess.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Deb broke Heffernan and drank up all my Alizé.

Sophia!

Yeah, I'll have an apple martini with a shot of Alizé on it.

Yeah, it's called daylight.

Sophia, look at this place.

Yeah, the mess.

Can't you get a maid?

Look, Jackie O, you're broke.

There is no maid.

What am I going to do?

I called Rupert, and he's not coming back this time.

Girl, listen, you have to stop depending on a man and stop depending on

yourself.

hold her while you smack her.

Come on, Sophia.

Come on.

Get up and get dressed. Why should I? I don't have a man. I'm all alone.

Ooh, that never stopped Nikki.

And what do you call my relationship with the professor?

A figment of your imagination.

It's no use, Nikki. My life is over.

I need more LSA.

No, no, no. Come on.

Come on, Sophia.

Now, it's not the end of the world.

You're just on your own now.

have to learn to do things for yourself. But I've never had to do things for

myself. Well, that's great to change.

Starting right now.

And now, get the broom.

I thought she was doing things for herself.

Get the damn broom.

Now, Sophia, I'm willing to help you, but you have to want to change.

Okay.

All right, give me the broom.

Okay.

Now add your onion. All right.

Adding onion.

Mm -hmm.

Done. And a dash of hot sauce.

Dash. Uh -huh.

Ho, ho, ho. Just a dash.

And two cups of Alizé.

Alizé in your chili?

I know.

That's for us.

Hey,

Mama. Hey, Pardon. Hi, Baby. Hey, Mother.

Hi, Honey.

That's what Nikki said.

Come on, let's go. We must be in the wrong apartment.

Nikki is teaching me how to be a proud, poor woman. And she's doing a darn good

job of it. Hey!

Come in.

Nikki, I need your key to the professor's place.

Why? That wannabe Mac Daddy has my mama in his apartment.

Oh, sure.

Yet alone.

Oh, okay. Well, if you guys need me, I'll be in the West Wing.

Um... Look, Mom, I just... I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I know that I haven't been very supportive these last few days.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

It's been very stressful.

We've never been poor before.

You know, being poor is... It's very depressing.

Well, um, despite everything, I am really glad you came home for Mother's

Oh, me too.

And you know what? I'll never miss another one. I promise.

I really am going to try and change.

I'm going to need some help.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm sorry I haven't been a good mother to you these last 18 years.

Mother, I'm 20.

Oh, really?

Well, if anyone asks, I'm still 40.

Mother? the mom I know.

Aw, sweetheart.

You know, in case I haven't told you, I really do love you.

Mm -hmm.

Sure that's not just the alcohol talking?

Eh, maybe a little. Right.

Hold up, Nikki. Let me handle this. This is my mama. But it's my man. And I'm

her son, and I'm not gonna let the professor take advantage of her.

Oh, she's taking advantage of him.

And no offense, but your mother's no looker.

Hey, don't talk about my mama like that.

Well, I wouldn't have to if she wasn't throwing herself at my man.

Hey, look, you starting to make me mad.

irregular cashmere sweaters to Stanley.

Irregular?

Sweaters? Yeah, sweaters. To help pay for your tuition.

Oh.

Thank you.

Miss Parker?

I'm still waiting on an explanation.

Well, what had happened was T, him, had this

crazy idea.

That you was up here with this floozy, that.

And it's partly getting you freak on.

With him, he can't even afford retail.

Counsel, my order.

You know I'm just playing with you.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

You're right.

See, I am ashamed of you.

That is Terrell Radcliffe. You and I were disgusting.

in the car.

Stanley Wayne Ogilvie, you and I will discuss this in the bed.

our new place for a swim.

Mm -mm. You know my dude don't do well.

Bye, babe. Bye.

I'll see you later. Be good. Okay. See y 'all later.

Yeah. I was wondering how Sophia got a condo with no credit, no job, and no

money. I guess her wonder bra worked wonders.

Oh, Nicky.

I hope you learned something from what happened to Sophia.

Oh, sure did, Mama. When I marry an old geezer for his money, I'm going to put

something away for me.

That's a damn shame.

That overdone knock -off bland tramp.

Because I was going to call her something else.