Original subtitles

recruiting people for a new TV game show.

Who cares?

You should. They're giving away prizes.

Cash prizes.

Next! That would be us!

Follow me.

this game show about? Well, the name of the show is Family Dirt, and it tests

the strength of family ties by revealing family secrets.

Well, look, go ahead and sign a brother up, because I got a cousin who's a game

show whiz. That sounds promising.

But I'll have to press the buzzer for him, because he'll be kicking in the

straitjacket.

When we do a show called Family Loco, we'll call you.

Well, if it's dirt you want, we have plenty of it in our family. Ah, hush,

Now, family is sacred.

We're not going to air our dirty laundry on national television.

The grand prize is one million dollars. How dirty do you want to get?

Because I got bitches.

than me and the professor rolling around naked in it.

You so nasty.

I'm going to take my share and invest it.

Yep, buy a whole bunch of lotto tickets.

I wonder what's taking Grandma and Grandpa so long to get here.

Uncle Jay, here's the barbecue pit up to his pinto.

I can't wait to see Auntie Rita.

Make sure there's no food out. Uncle Jay will barbecue anything that ain't

moving.

Watch out there now.

That's how my girl's doing.

Hey, Daddy.

Give me some sugar.

Baby. Hey, I'm Rita.

Uncle Jay, how's that barbecue business?

Couldn't be better. You know I'm barbecuing ice cream now.

Well, I'm so excited. I can't wait for the show. I dropped it. everything to be

here. Including that hot iron on my foot.

I was aiming at your head.

You're lucky my eyes are bad.

I wish mine were.

Operator, you know you look good.

What's your secret?

Oh, it's simple. I just eat right, exercise, and sleep with men half my

Oh, when I get as old as you, I'm gonna do the same thing.

What? Sleep with men half your age?

and exercise.

Now, we have to decide who our team leader is going to be. Well, is there

any question?

You're right.

I'll do it.

Well, hold on. I'm the man of this family.

Yeah, but Shirley wears the pants in the family.

Oh, and what does your woman wear? Oops, I forgot. You don't have one.

is you pay me back. Wait, would you two stop it?

We need to worry about how we're going to win this thing.

Yeah, because I got big plans with that money.

Mama said she's going to roll around naked in it.

Look, we have more important things to talk about.

I'll go take a dance.

Oh, look at here, look at here.

What's your name, you little sexy sharp rib?

The name's Andell.

Are you kinfolk?

Would you like to be?

Hell no.

See, you don't know who I am.

I'm J. Zell Washington, Jr., owner and proprietor of the one and only J's

Ripshack on Crenshaw and Bunning.

That hole in the wall?

We've expanded.

Didn't the health department shut you down? Only temporary. See, one rat runs

across the county, everybody make a big deal out of it.

Like the inspector ain't never seen a rat before.

alone. She don't want to.

Hey,

boo.

Hey, Ms. Parker. Uh, Kim told me that your family's in town.

You mean, uh, our family.

Yes. Well, I just came by to say hello to your sister, Connie.

Oh, um, uh, Connie's in the bathroom.

Come on in.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Ms. Shirley.

Mr. George.

Hello.

Auntie Rita, and that's my Uncle Jay. Hello.

And this is my fiancé.

I'm not. We know.

Bless you.

So, uh, what brings you all to town? A bon voyage party for Miss Parker?

No, baby, I'm not going anywhere until our honeymoon.

You two remind me of George and me.

Run, man!

as soon as I say hello to Constance. No, Constance isn't here. She and Tiffany

couldn't make it.

You told me she was in the bathroom.

She is at her house.

At San Francisco.

Hey, folks.

We are so glad that you're here. Now, our staff has done some digging and

uncovered some dirt that might surprise you.

I'll catch you in a few.

Oh, Lord Jesus!

Are you all right, Uncle Jay?

I think I had too much Q for breakfast.

I feel a pork headache coming off.

There's just certain parts of the pig you're just not supposed to eat.

Oh, my headache's gone to my belly.

I've got to find me some cascarola.

Now what are we going to do? I don't know, but we better come up with

because I want some money.

Not quite. My uncle's not feeling well.

Oh, you have another family member who could take his place?

Well, you have to have six players or I'm afraid I'm going to have to

you. No, no, wait.

Um, I could call my fiancé. He could be here in 20 minutes.

All right, you've got 20 minutes.

Kim, let me use your phone. Is it low? Kim!

connection. I'm gonna just stand over here.

Hello? Professor, it's me. Don't hang up.

What do you want?

We're at Sunset Studios about to tape Family Dirt, and my Uncle Jay just got

sick. You have to be my fiancé.

Like hell I do.

We could split a million dollars.

That took so long.

Now

the

fun begins.

Each of you will be asked a question, and if answered incorrectly, you must

leave the stage.

The family with the one member left standing who answers the question

wins a grand total of one million...

Shirley, lost her, shall we say, virtue.

Well, that's easy. On our wedding night, April 5th, 1959.

Sweet, but wrong.

According to your wife's lifelong friend, Irma Jean, it was September

1958. Well, that can't be. We had just started dating.

George, I'm afraid he can't stick around to hear it. George.

Heather. Wrong.

According to your peeping Tom neighbor, it's your father.

He says, for a hairy guy, your dad doesn't look bad in a push -up bra.

Bye -bye.

Professor Ogilvie, is the hair on your future mother -in -law's head real?

Before I answer, I'd like to clear up one thing.

Although I am indeed engaged to that woman. Give your answer, please. This is

half an hour show.

I would have to say yes, then. That is her hair.

Incorrect. I beg your pardon. This is my hair. I got the receipt to prove it.

is adopted.

Wait till I get my hands on Jay. How could he reveal a deep family secret

that? Where'd that coward slip off to?

How can you call him a coward after what you've done?

For 39 years, you haven't had the courage to tell me the truth.

My whole life's been a lie because of you.

Nikki, don't talk to your mother like that.

Oh, according to the show, she's not my mother.

I'm sorry, Nikki. I know how you feel.

Oh. You feel adopted, deceived, and confused, too? Sweetheart, I'm so sorry

found out this way.

Mom, Dad, whoever you are, I can't talk about this right now.

Hey, y 'all. Anybody hungry?

What do you think you're doing?

I was thinking about firing up the bridge so Red and family gets together.

Jay, what possessed you to divulge something so private to complete

I was trying to win a million dollars.

That would have at least eased the pain and helped take some of the sting out of

it.

You knew Nikki was never supposed to find out.

Hold on.

You knew about this too, huh, Rita?

Yes, Nikki, I did.

Nick, we should talk about this later when there aren't so many people around.

Why?

There are less people here.

than on national television.

Mama, if it makes you feel any better, the show hasn't even aired yet.

Get away from me.

So if you're not my mother, Shirley, then who is?

Well, they don't reveal that kind of stuff at the adoption agency.

What adoption agency? Oh, that adoption agency.

What's going on here?

Well, Mama, you just asked who your real ma was, and they just finished lying to

you.

Is there anyone here capable of telling me the truth?

The truth is,

I'm your mother.

What? I know I should have told you. I always meant to.

But it just never seemed to be the right time.

Oh.

So the right time was on TV.

Nikki, please, don't.

No, Shirley.

She's got a right to be angry.

I'm so sorry, Nikki.

But you see, my career was just getting started.

And I was on the road all the time. And it was hard.

Really. And it just didn't seem to be the best way to bring a child up.

And we thought it was best for us to keep you, since we never went anywhere.

Oh, you're just going to forget about Cleveland.

I made them promise never to tell you.

So I get to work out for everyone, except me.

Okay, now that we got that cleared up, how about some red?

You know what they say, the family that queues together sticks together.

Sorry, but I don't feel much like a family right now.

Miss Parker, how did you get in my car?

Wasn't I king?

You know, you're lucky you just found out you were adopted.

What a day, huh?

You doing okay?

I just don't understand why no one ever bothered to tell me the truth about my

life.

Did you know that Rita is my real mother?

Really?

What should I do?

Well, you're never going to find the answer just, you know, sitting here in

car.

You need to go back.

Go back and resolve this with your family.

Why can't we just run off, get married, and start a new family?

See, I was trying to be nice to you, Ms. Potter.

And I appreciate it, boo.

Do you smoke?

No.

Hotlink is smoking.

What are you talking about?

I thought the apartment was on fire.

I saw smoke coming from... Uncle Jay brought up his grill to fire up some

Where were you? We were worried about you.

When I saw the smoke, I was worried about you.

So you do still care about us?

Of course I do, Mama.

But y 'all hurt me.

We didn't mean to.

But you did.

How can we make it right?

I don't know.

Q and 5!

Nikki, giving you up was the hardest thing I've ever done.

But the price I paid, missing out on seeing this beautiful, wonderful woman I

know grow up, I'll always regret that.

But please, don't.

Don't hold it against George and Shirley.

See, because what my brother and his wife did was out of love.

Rita's right.

We've always loved you and we always will, Dumplin'. I hope you can find it

your heart to forgive us all.

So do I.

Aw, Grupa!

Right, here you go.

Hey, you put your foot in it this time.

And a big foot, too.

Yeah, it's good.

But not as good as it would be to get my money back.

Will you stop talking about that?

I will, as soon as you pay me.

Okay, fine.

If it'll shut you out.

Here's your damn $10.

What's for dessert?

I was hoping a song from Rita. So was I.

This one's for you, baby.

Love, I found you.

Love, I found you.

After so many loveless years.

Kisses like these.

And I sleep with men half my age.