Original subtitles

Hi, baby. Hi, Phoebe.

Hey, what's up with your ass, mama?

My foot's going to be up yours if you don't watch your mouth.

No, I'm talking about the thing on your head.

You are now looking at Lady Egyptian's highest grossing sales associate. What?

And I thought it was just a snake.

Well,

congratulations,

Nikki. It gets even better.

Lady Egyptian is coming here next week to shoot an infomercial, and she picked

me to be her co -host.

Mama, you're going to be a superstar.

We're going to be on H .U. Hollywood Stories.

Hey!

Oh, co -host today, superstar tomorrow.

You know, Nicky, when you make the big time, you're probably going to need a

manager. What?

I think I know the perfect person.

Really?

for dinner tonight?

Are you still taking me go -kart racing afterwards?

Oh, for shady.

See,

you are so cute. I'm buff, too.

Cute and funny. I like that.

I'm so happy to be dating someone fun and exciting.

Well, that's what a brother was created for, to gratify and satisfy.

They mean the same thing.

Oh, I know, but... You look so fly, baby. I had to say it twice.

Well, thanks for lunch, too. Ain't no problem. So, I'll see you tonight? Oh.

Around six? Yeah, yeah, I'll be there and start your engines. Vroom, vroom.

Oh, Stanley. Hey.

I didn't know you had classes today.

Well, I don't. I'm here to pick up some paperwork. What are you doing here? Oh,

just having lunch with a friend.

Oh, great.

You have time for a cup of coffee?

Sorry, I'm on my way to a meeting.

Well, I can't wait for our own private little meeting at La Boheme.

We'll share some coq au vin, followed by some crème brûlée. Sounds good in that

spot? Oui, oui.

I'm so happy to be dating such a sophisticated and suave man.

Right, right.

But, you know, they mean the same thing.

I know, but, baby, you are so sexy, I just had to say it twice.

Well, all righty, then.

I'm Stevie Van Lowe, manager slash agent to Nikki Parker. Nice to meet you.

Look, we are going to need a case of aloe vera, a dressing room, a silent,

flowers, and a half gallon of Chunky Monkey ice cream or we walk.

Uh, walk with.

Let me handle this. You're the talent. I'm the mouthpiece.

Stevie, go sit your mouth down and look cute.

Like I'm gonna do.

Nikki Parker? Yes.

Tim Murphy, please follow me. Lady Egyptian's expecting you. This is like a

dream come true. I cannot believe I'm meeting the Lady Egyptian. Well, if you

don't hurry, you won't.

Lady... What?

Your co -host is here. Oh, Nadine Porters.

I've heard so much about you. It's Nikki Parker.

Really? You look like a Nadine.

I am so glad to meet you. I mean, you are such an inspiration.

I'm a business major, and, you know, I'm selling your products, and it has just

changed my life. I'm sure it has, honey. I'm sure it has.

Lady E, I would like for you to meet my daughter.

You can call me Kim, Your Highness.

And Stevie Van Lowe, her manager slash agent. Class sit.

Lady E, which is to eat.

But, Nadine, it's so much easier for me to remember.

Now, just relax and be natural, like me.

Can someone touch up my makeup? I'm melting!

Ah, thank you. Go.

Would you ladies like a snack?

Oh, my favorite.

Fried chicken fingers, fried onion rings, french fries.

Why don't you just get a can of Crisco and three straws?

because you were a vegetarian.

Oh, I am. When there's no meat around.

You really look great, Lady E. What's your secret?

Oh, it's no secret, baby. She uses Lady Egyptian products.

Good answer, Nadine. But not even my products can make me look this gorgeous.

mean, look at me. I'm stunning.

Well, you probably have a good exercise and diet program.

Oh, that's for poor people.

I've got a great Beverly Hills plastic Plastic surgeon.

Plastic surgery?

Are you saying that your products have done nothing for you? Au contraire. They

paid for the plastic surgery.

What?

One of the models canceled.

What? Oh, I've got a show to do today. Find me someone else.

You.

Hi, Stevie Van Lowe again.

Yes, Tim's manager slash agent. Is she getting a dressing room?

No. Wardrobe approval?

No. Is she getting paint?

No. Who cares? I'm going to be on TV.

I'm still taking 10%. Tim can't do this. She doesn't use the products. Yes, I

do.

I use this lotion every morning.

Uh, Tim, baby, that's shampoo.

Oh, picky, picky. She's got hair on her arms. Come on, let's get the show on the

road.

What's up, T?

I haven't seen you around lately.

I've been hanging out with my girl. She's off to his old shizzle.

I know what you mean, man. This woman that I've been seeing is the bomb

Man, you just hipper than him.

Can I call you out?

Man,

she is such a classy woman. I just wish I could take her someplace nice and

quiet where I can impress her. You know, a nice place with a...

Kitchen and real furniture.

A view of the ocean from, say, Santa Monica. Yeah,

some place like mine. Yeah.

Good luck.

All right, all right, man. You can use my place.

Real good looking out, Brad.

Nah, man. I remember back in the day when I was a young cat, I had this funky

pad and all the chicks be chasing me. Oh, man, I gotta go. Good looking out,

Brad.

I was just trying to school you on that.

Okay, Samantha, why don't we start with you demonstrating the facial mask?

No. The lifetime I use that, I was rushed to the emergency room.

Skin grafts are no joke.

Come on, we paid all your doctor bills. And you're healing nicely, I might add.

Any volunteers?

Me, I love skin grafts.

Welcome, everyone.

I'm Lady Egyptian, the renowned founder, creator, CEO, and spiritual leader of

Lady Egyptian Products.

You know, people come up to me all the time admiring my youthful beauty. And

they ask, how can I look like you? And I tell them, you can't.

dangerously close.

Come, come.

Nikki, don't do that. The camera picks up on everything.

It definitely picked up BS.

And action.

I'm sitting here today with one of our top sales associates, Nadine Portley.

And joining us are some of our most satisfied customers.

We have...

Samantha Evans, a 42 -year -old housewife from Downey.

And Kate Mulligan, the mother of Seth Toplett.

And a 38 -year -old housewife

from New Jersey, Mrs. Brenda Watkins.

Brenda, tell us your story.

Brenda.

Oh, right, I'm Brenda.

Before I started using Lady Egyptian, my husband was about to leave me. I

couldn't have kids, and the bank repossessed my cord.

Tell it, girl.

But since I started using Lady Egyptian eye cream, my husband can't keep his

hands off me. I'm popping out kids like a rabbit. And the repo man brought my

cord back with some new rims.

Satisfied customer.

Right, Nadine?

It's Nikki.

Nikki,

we've already established you as Nadine Portley. Now pay attention.

And action.

So, Nadine, tell us your story.

Okay.

I've been the top sales associate at Lady Egyptian for the past ten years.

And in all those years, I've worn my ass proudly.

But today, I'd like to say that this is all a crock of bull.

Cut!

Have you lost your fucking mind now?

But you are a fraud!

You don't even use your own products!

And you have plastic surgery, and you pay people to lie for you.

No, Mama, I'm lying for free.

I am not lying. It's called marketing. Read my book.

In all those years, I've looked up to you.

I've admired you. Hell, I even wanted to be like you. But now I've realized

you're not fit to wear the app.

You are nothing but a money -grubbing bitchy hustler. Woo!

You forgot to mention rich!

thing that could have ever happened to me. When I'm done, I'm going to run that

phony Lady E out of business.

Good for you.

Now, aren't you glad I never bought any Lady E products from you?

Now, if I can just remember Great -Grandma Hattie's recipe for facials, is

two cups of oatmeal or two cups of baking soda?

Well, if it's your great -grandmother, it's probably two cups of bootleg Alizé.

Now, you know, Andell, it's not too late to get in on the ground floor.

Let's see. I got in on the ground floor in your dang mama t -shirts and ended up

in the basement.

And then it was that time... Okay, fine.

Suit yourself.

Now, I have an investor coming over tonight anyway.

I don't need your help, Ann Dowd. Well, good.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, baby. Hey. Where you off to?

Oh, I'm auditioning for another infomercial. The Bootylicious Butt

don't think they ready for this jelly. Ow, ow, ow.

Hello, how are you? Thank you, Ms. Stiles, for coming by. Well, after I

your brochure at my office, at my home, and on my car, I got myself... Now, this

woman has tenacity.

Not only that, I never give up.

Now, let's just dive right in.

Now, I know this is supposed to be a money meeting, but I want to give you a

chance to feel how incredible my products are. How about a facial? Oh,

wasn't prepared for this. Don't worry, girl, I'll be very neat. No, no, I...

Come on, you just... Now...

We use all natural ingredients in our revitalizing facial mask.

So be prepared for the experience of a lifetime.

Oh, it smells great. Thank you. Our facial mask was created to detoxify the

and clear out any embedded dirt.

You know what it is?

Refreshing. Yes. And it tightens and tones the skin to give you a smoother,

radiant complexion.

Now, you just come right over here.

Sit back, relax, and let the mask work its magic.

Relax.

Why'd you get such great taste in decorating?

Oh, it came like this.

Mmm, that food smells delicious.

I didn't know you knew how to cook tea. Oh, don't let the hard exterior fool

you. Brother has layers.

Yes, he does.

Where's the powder room? I like to freshen up. Oh, uh, right there around

corner.

got some very important papers. Man, hurry up. You're going to blow my cover.

Hey, is that your Rogaine in the bathroom?

Oh, nah, nah. It must be the maze or something.

What was that? Uh, ants.

Uh, let's go out into the balcony. It's beautiful outside.

Well, can we, uh... Come on, let me show you the view.

like to be extra special.

Oh, it already is.

Denise?

Stan?

You two know each other? Yeah. What are you doing here?

Having dinner.

Gee, this is my girl. What girl are you talking about?

That girl.

My girl?

First of all, I'm a woman. And second, I don't belong to either one of you. No

one's asked me to be exclusive.

Man, I don't believe this.

Pulling the same woman as you?

This is ridiculous. Now, you need to make a choice. Yeah.

Okay.

I choose you both.

No.

No, it's either him or me.

Well, I wish we could have worked something out because I really like both

you.

Can you believe her?

No.

Man, I say we forget Denise ever existed.

Who? Yeah.

Oh, what's her name? Be the one of us. Man, no woman can come between frat

brothers. Yeah, man, we're dogs.

Homies.

What am I going to do, Andal?

I have no job, no product, and I got bills to pay.

Just be glad that investor lady isn't suing you.

She chipped my coffee table.

If I could figure out just what went wrong.

Worry about that later.

Come on, let's go to that new Mexican soul food place.

Nacho Mamas?

Yeah, my treat. Okay.

You know I like that.

Hey, boo.

Hey, Mama. And Dale.

Hi, Kim. How did your audition go?

Not so good.

After one squeeze of that butt blast...

See you later, boo. Bye.

Oh.

Mmm.

Tart, yet sweet.

I like it.

I know.

Thanks, Angel.

Girl, that hit the spot.

Yeah.

thought that a chitlin burrito could be so tasty.

Hey, baby.

Hey. Oh, what's not so good?

Your oatmeal cookie.

What oatmeal cookie?

From the dough in the refrigerator.

Uh, Kim, baby, that wasn't cookie dough.

That was my facial mask.

These are the best cookies I've ever tasted.

They are delicious.

You should forget about cosmetics. This is what you need to be selling.

I guess I could if I had an investor.

Oh, are you asking?

Are you offering?

Oh, this is a great idea.

I can see it now.

Kimmy's Cookies.

Cookies with a K.

Hey, Professor, you heard from Denise?

Oh, no, man. I don't care if I ever hear from her again.

That's right, man. We too good for her. Sure you right, my brother.

Hello?

Hey, Denise.

We still on for the night?

Of course we are.

Seven sharp.

Hold on, okay? All right.

Hello?

Hey, Janice, how you doing?

I'm fine. How are you?

Cool. I'm going to see you at the club tonight.

I'll be there by midnight.

Bye. Bye.

Sorry about that, Stanley.

I'll see you later, okay? All right. Bye -bye. Bye.

Poor P.

Kid didn't stay in the chair.

How do you always manage to do that?

What?

I'm infected.

That's a lie.