Original subtitles

Guys, I'm worried about my mama.

She was stressed out lately.

Why do you say that?

Well, she's been yelling a lot. Mean for no reason.

Plain old scary.

It's like one of her good days.

Mama, what's wrong?

What do you think is wrong? I'm taking way too many classes. Lady Egyptian

are down and I just bounced my first check.

You be so hard on yourself.

You hasn't bounced a check. Shut up, T.

If one more bad thing happens to me, I'm going to lose it.

Then you don't want to look over your shoulder.

Of all the nerves.

Mama, no!

Just who do you think you are? Miss Parker.

I will deal with you in a minute. Now, listen.

This is my school and my man. Oh, Lord. Miss Parker.

Don't you see me talking?

I don't think we've been introduced.

I'm Tony Ross, the new dean of students.

And my boss.

You seem stressed out.

Because you interrupted my quiet time.

Mama, just for fun, why don't I give you this stress test from this magazine?

It's just ten simple questions.

Okay, go ahead and waste your time, but your little test will show I am the

picture of calm.

If someone cuts you off in traffic, would you ask...

would be other.

Moving on.

If you drove off with the wrong order from a drive -thru window, would you

add... I'd back my car up, yank him through that little drive -thru window,

beat him down.

Who the hell is that?

What's up, girl?

Her blood pressure?

Get this, man.

Tim thinks I'm stressed out. Ooh, I know I am. I'm turning 30. It's Saturday.

Oh, dang. Mama's stressed out. You can't count?

Girl,

what you gonna do for your birthday?

Staying home, curling up with an episode of Soul Food.

You stay home every night. We going out.

I said we going out.

Why don't you guys hit that new salsa club, the Bongo Room?

It says here that dancing is a good way to relieve stress.

Not if you can't dance.

The only sauce I do comes with chips.

Well, why don't you have Daddy teach her? He's a great dancer.

That's a good idea. You know, he and I, we're like Fred Astaire and Ginger

Rodgers.

Ow! What?

Well,

if you followed my lead, your foot wouldn't be in the way. Now, come on,

go. Come on. One, two.

Now, you know she a little slow.

Hey, I'm in the room.

Now, girls, just pipe down and pay attention.

Now, look, you come on. You try it with Mel. Okay,

on the count of three. One, two, three, go. Back, two, three. Relax.

Now, easy. No, no, no!

Now, you two look like two soul train rejects.

Now, listen.

The salsa is a dance of passion.

Something he would know nothing about.

I was married to you.

Hey, maybe you two want to take this outside.

You know what, Andy? I have a better idea. Why don't we take this to my

okay?

There are no irritating annoyances there.

Okay, sounds good to me.

I think God put him on this earth for two reasons. To get on my nerves and

on my nerves.

Well, maybe you should try these.

Oh, what are they?

They're Chinese relaxation balls.

They're supposed to relieve your stress.

Oh, well, I guess living with a billion people would drive anybody crazy.

How do they work? You're supposed to roll them around like this.

Try it. Oh, okay.

Now close your eyes.

Don't forget about all your troubles.

Try to visualize something that'll melt your stress away.

I see a beach.

That's good, that's good.

Me and Denzel on the beach.

How do you feel?

Lucky.

Now repeat after me this soothing mantra.

Inhale, exhale, let it go.

Inhale, exhale, let it go.

Wow.

Is it working?

Girl, who cares?

Denzel just took off his trunks and ran in the...

Question it. You don't look nothing like Halle Berry.

Girl, you better run.

That's okay.

It'll wipe right out.

Who are you?

I'm calm, cool, and collected.

Thanks for the techniques Kim showed me.

And... My destructive balls.

Those are the best kind.

You trying to be cute, or you said cute?

Oh, no, I'm looking for male.

Male?

Yeah, since he's been teaching me to salsa all week, I thought I'd invite him

join us. You don't mind, do you?

No, girl, it's your birthday. If you want to ruin it, go right ahead.

Oh, there he is.

How do I look?

Girl, it's just now.

Wow. This is a birthday girl and a bit of sidekick.

Nice to see you too, Mal.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm going to check my code. Oh.

Nicky, would you be a dear to take mine, too?

Damn.

Well, no wonder it only took you a second to get dressed.

You're naked.

Oh, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Man, would you buy the birthday girl a drink? Absolutely.

Golly, Miss Molly.

Well, actually, it's Miss Parker.

And I got a name for things anyway.

It's our first day soon, having a drink with your dad.

Daddy's here? Looks like everybody's here.

Hey, there's the professor.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Let it go.

Oh, hell no. Where's my coat? I need my ball.

Come on, Denzel.

Come out of the water.

That's right, Mama. Bring them out of the water.

Dancing the professor wants. It's dancing he gonna get.

Hey, big daddy. Looks like you're searching for a dance partner.

Oh, yes, I am.

And else, shall we?

Come on, boy.

Let's dance.

I don't know how to throw, sir. But you're about to learn.

Break a leg.

Hopefully that's the only thing I'll break.

a sausage.

Thanks for catching me, Stevie.

Actually, I was ducking for cover.

I'm glad your mama's relaxed.

Otherwise, I'd have gone through the roof.

You need to find her and give her these.

Give her something.

That was great, Stanley.

I didn't know you had all those moves.

Well, there's plenty more where that came from. I can't wait to see you.

I'll be right back. I'm just going to go powder my nose. Well, you'll be

powdering perfection.

Want, Miss Parker?

Just a dance.

One dance. No.

No. A thousand times no!

I'm a professor.

A professor? I'm not surprised, man. And where are you at? USC?

UCLA?

Santa Monica Community College.

Yeah, that's where you can become a dental technician, right?

Yeah, that's one of our programs.

That's a tenure.

No, no, no, but I am in charge of the campus activities.

You're not putting up about me, man. What have you been up to?

Oh, well, you know, me and college, we didn't click, so I...

Started doing club promotions till I had enough money to buy one. Yeah?

Which one?

This one, baby.

Oh, my God. Man, that is great.

Now, listen, you think I could get my money back, uh, you know, for old times'

sake? No, I'm just kidding, man.

You ready?

Hey, man, why? Do I look like I'm beat down and broke?

Hey, come back here. I'll go, baby.

Damn.

Listen, uh, Kenny, I need a favor. You see that woman barreling over here?

Oh, a dog.

That's you?

No.

Look, I need you to keep her busy. I'm sort of working on something else. Look

at you trying to be a player, player.

Hey, man, I got your back. I owe you. Hey, you sure you can handle it? Hey,

I work my magic, she's just going to be a member of Club Kenny.

Hey, there.

I think you're looking for me.

Excuse me? Why would I be looking for you? Because you're a woman, and I'm me.

And you're all so tired.

Now move, boy. No, no, no. Come on now.

I've been looking at you all night. Can I just get one dance?

I mean, you don't want me to have to walk out of here with my tail between my

legs. Huh.

Well, tuck it in and take a seat.

Not interested.

What? You're going to be back, baby.

Oh, yes.

That's right. Get away from me.

Hey, hey, hey, Budden. You seen the professor?

Mama, you're stressing.

The professor's not going anywhere. He's on a date. Now, find a...

And play with your ball.

You're right, Putin.

I am a little edgy. Okay.

All right.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Let that witch go.

Inhale.

Exhale.

And Dale is your best friend.

And Dale is Satan.

It doesn't bother you that your father is being my best friend?

No. And Dale is like family, and Daddy is family. And you always said that

families should love each other.

Love each other.

Not make love to each other.

Why do you care? You don't even want Daddy.

Well, except for that booty call last year.

But what And Dale did was wrong.

No, Mama, you're wrong.

And Dale would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.

Well, it still hurts.

Well, it's going to hurt more if you don't let go.

Now, Mama, you remember that stress test.

I want you around.

Who else is going to take care of my baby?

What do you want?

I just want to apologize for my behavior.

Huh? Well, I appreciate that.

In the spirit of sisterhood, I thought there are some things that I should

with you.

A Sports Today swimsuit model. I don't get it. That was me.

A year and 110 pounds ago.

Sweet Jesus, what happened to you?

of the campus, preying on innocent co -eds and kicking them to the curb when

he's done sucking all the love out of them.

Oh, no, I can't believe that.

You poor dear.

Are you sure it was only 110 pounds?

You could be next.

No, no, no. Stanley was always so charming.

Can't I get through one day without hearing your voice?

I just wanted to say hi.

Oh, you said it. Now be gone.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

What happened with me and Mel just happened.

I'm not even sure how.

You sure kissed like you knew how.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just came to say that Mel and I aren't going to see each other anymore.

And if I had known it was going to bother you so much, I would have never

there.

You dumped Mel because of me?

No. I didn't want to deal with his crazy ex -wife.

Girl, I'm over it. Listen.

If you and Mel want to get back together, I wish you the best.

Nah. Besides, I can't date a man who has Popeye tattooed on his butt.

And don't worry about crushing knees.

That made it steep.

Thanks, but I don't need them anymore.

What about your stress?

I was stressed out because I was doing too much. But now I got my boo back.

I've decided to drop a class.

I'm going to quit running about lady Egyptian sales and stop trying to

on perfection.

You know what, Mama?

That's a good idea.

I've been feeling a little stressed.

So to be extra sure, I'm going to drop all my glasses.

Girl, let me see those balls.

Oh, you're going to use them? Yeah.

And I'm going to give you a running start.

Nah,

besides, I can't date a man who has a bug bunny hat.

It's not a bug bunny hat.

Whoa!