Original subtitles

for checking out Lady Egyptian.

Don't be shy. Bye.

Try the mask.

It's a blast.

Oh, I'm a poet and didn't even know it.

So, Kim, it's been two days. How you hanging with your power claims?

Oh, I'm in a zone, baby.

This stuff is starting to put a pep in my step.

Well,

I'm proud of you, Kim. It's hard not eating solid food for 14 days.

Around for my great -grandmother.

T, we're talking about people with teeth.

Look, I'm just saying, why would anybody want to drink a concoction of cranberry

juice, cayenne pepper, and molasses?

Because it cleanses the colon, and I haven't been regular in a long time.

Okay, that's too much information. I'm out.

I must

confess. A good hand massage renders me powerless.

Don't stop.

You are amazing.

And I think you're incredible, too.

Miss Parker, what happened to your associate?

Oh, she's over there associating with my other customers. But you're my favorite

customer.

Just give me two bottles of that ash away, and I'll be on my way.

Well, you get the fast discount.

Your ash is mine.

Well, you'll have to catch it first.

Dang, he's getting faster.

Look here, Nikki.

Your little ass presentation was cute and all, but where are the men that you

promised you were going to strip?

Yeah!

No, no.

No. Now, you're confused.

See, what I promised was chicken strips.

Well, you don't have those either. This little party has left me hungry and

horny.

Nikki. Huh? Your flyer said you were going to have honeys and lingerie.

and I'll go change.

Oh, take all the time you need.

I'm about to bounce.

Nikki, why do I get the impression that you got us all here under false

pretenses? Yeah, and you lied, too.

door to.

Why don't you break that fast right now and have a cookie? No, Mama, just five

more days. Besides, I feel all cleansed and energized.

But do you feel conscious?

I've never felt better. You guys go ahead and enjoy polluting your bodies

all that fat and sugar.

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine, that's the third time this week. What is she, your new

best friend or something?

No, but since my old best friend was too cheap to buy my products, I had to

stray.

What do you really know about this woman?

I know she has a big fat checkbook that she writes my name in a lot.

I'm telling you, there's something strange about it. Because you and I both

Lady Egyptian and all that.

Hey, your eyebrows were back, didn't they?

Hi,

I'm Del, friend slash best friend.

So what's up?

Nikki, I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced, but I really need some more

lotion. Already?

You just bought four bottles. Well, girl, my skin just seems to drink it up.

you sure you're not drinking it up?

Hey, I've got reservations for Shea Frenchies tonight. Want to go?

That sounds great. And now, you want to come with us?

I only made reservations for two, but I guess they could pull up a chair and

squeeze you in.

So what'd you say, girl? You gonna come? No, thanks. I have plans with my real

friends. Oh, well, tell Baskin and Robbins I said what's up!

This is the girl crazy.

Let me go get the stuff.

Here, try this moongoo guy pin. It's sinful.

I gotta give it to you, baby. I didn't think you had this much willpower.

Try this tiramisu.

It's banging.

Is that real cream?

Hang in there, kid. And just remember, when you're hungry, drink.

Now what?

Miss Parker, can't you see I'm busy?

Oh, well, what a coincidence, because I want to get busy, too.

What do you want, Miss Parker?

Oysters. Give you any ideas?

Yeah, I think I'll take these to go.

Hey, Lani.

What you doing here?

Oh, who was that?

He's kind of boring.

Yeah, and he's kind of boring.

Now, honey, you can look, but don't touch or I'll have to cut you.

Well, after talking to you, I was inspired to take my 30 -something -year

behind back to school.

So I enrolled here at SMC part -time.

That is great, Elaine.

You know, there's power in education.

Amen to that. All right, girl. I'd also like to learn more about career

opportunities with Lady Egyptian. Can we talk about it over dinner later?

Oh, well, you know what?

I'd love to, but I already got plans with Andel. Oh, come on. It'll be my

My next.

Free food.

You're likely with Andel anytime.

You've been hanging out so much with your new friend, I'm surprised you had

to take your old friend out to dinner.

Well, nothing says I'm sorry like a two -for -one at Sizzler.

Hey, just because I'm full doesn't change how I feel about Elaine.

Come on, Ann, don't ease up.

Hey, doesn't it seem a little strange? She's always popping up, buys way too

much of that stuff you sell, and all of a sudden she enrolls at your school?

Stop hating.

Yeah, she just wants an education. Ain't nothing wrong with that girl.

What in the... Surprise!

What in the hell is going

on in here?

Looks like you throwing a lady Egyptian party.

No, I'm not.

Well, then you better talk to your girl. because she's wearing your ass.

Where are you going?

After him. She might be crazy, but she's going to throw a party.

Elaine, what do you think you're doing?

I just want to help you make some money.

So you break into my apartment, steal my customers, and massage my man's hand?

Well, his hands were a little ashy.

Then you leave his ass to me.

Kim let me in.

You bribed her with food, didn't you?

I did no such thing. She thought the party was a good idea, and I sent her to

the store for some crushed ice. She should have been back by now.

Oh, hey, Mama.

Want some ice?

Tastes just like chicken.

Kimberly Ann Parker, have you lost your mind?

No.

Elaine helped me realize that it's all mental.

By snacking on this ice, I can pretend it's anything I want to be.

Like fizzling chicken fajitas. Wanna taste?

Careful, it's hot.

Kim, go rest, baby.

That stuff is cleansing your brain instead of your cold.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Lady Egyptian is the bomb.

Fill me another grape, baby.

Parker, this party is great.

And Elaine, it's been a pleasure.

Oh, what the hay. Throw in some of that cucumber mask as well.

It's already in the bag.

No, I don't want to see any more ashy knuckles. You hear?

Ash be gone.

Bye, boo.

Boo? Oh, that's my boo.

Don't worry about boo. Look how much money we, I mean you, made.

Overstepped your boundaries in this friendship.

I was just trying to help. And I appreciate that.

before she took that nasty fall.

It's just that I think the world of you. You inspire me.

I do?

Yeah. So forgive me for trying to be like you.

Girl,

this is some good tea.

Tastes like hot L .A.

So anyway, Nikki, thank you for being so kind to me.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, girl, give me some more tea, please.

Sure.

Here you go.

Elaine, sit down.

Girl, you're making me dizzy.

Nikki, are you okay?

Yes.

I'm a little woozy.

You should probably get some rest.

I'll just talk to you later.

Okay.

Miss Parker?

Miss Parker?

Okay, I got your page, your email, and your fax.

What?

Oh, wait a minute. This is probably another one of your little tricks. But

what? Stanley Ogilvie is not falling for it.

No siree, Bob.

I'm just going to leave.

Okay, Miss Parker, what are you up to?

Miss Parker?

Hi, Professor Ogilvie.

I'm glad you got my communication.

Good God.

Why are you dressed like Miss Parker?

You're looking at the new and improved Nikki Parker.

You like?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Miss Parker. Miss Parker, please wake up. Oh, she's going to be out for a

What have you done to her, Elaine?

Oh, you really should start calling me Nikki, honey.

You are as crazy as Miss Parker.

Just call the police.

No crazy, Abu.

me but now you are too selfish so now i'm just gonna have to take it we could

have been partners just like me and my sister before she took that nasty fall

i can't believe this is happening to me oh please isn't this

what you always wanted to be tied up with your man if you have a gun please

shoot me now

the darn teacher said before she took that nasty

and be real quiet.

Come back to kill us.

I am not your boo.

Okay, baby.

Andale, how did you know Elaine was crazy?

Oh, I always knew she was strange, so I did some checking. I found out she's a

psychotic fool wanted for kidnapping, fraud, and attempted murder.

Plus, she's just playing crazy.

Thanks for having my back.

You're my girl, Andale.

That's what friends are for.

How's the cleansing going?

Oh, it's going great. I don't even crave solid foods anymore.

Oh, well, what are you blending?

Solid foods.

This is my version of the cleanser diet.

This way I still get my nutrients and vitamins.

Oh, so I'm guessing vitamin B is for burgers, vitamin D is for Doritos, and

vitamin C is for cookies.

Oh, girl, that sounds great.

Blow me a glass. Mama needs to go on a diet.

Pound cake?

Crab cake?

That's mine.

She said drink and not get dumb. Sorry.

Oh, how's a little bit of sugar in this cake?

It's a tongue twister.

He has a big face.