Original subtitles

I can't believe I'm missing the most jumping party of the year to write this

stupid paper.

Oh, well, better a stupid paper than a stupid camp.

But, hey, if you're happy just getting by, go right ahead.

Okay, thanks.

Girl, if you don't get back to work, the professor's going to give you an F.

Dang the professor and his creative writing class.

Where am I going to get an idea?

we continue with our Dallas Marathon.

Ooh, Dallas.

Cool show.

They needed more flavor.

You should have called it Detroit.

Eh, too plain.

I'll call it Atlanta.

Starring D .C. Washington, Black Hair Tycoon.

owner of Stay Straighter hair oil products.

Alizé Washington, ruthless, lousy businesswoman, former wife of D .C., and

of Stay Curly hair oil products.

Blith Ann Washington, daughter of Alizé in D .C., nasty temper, spoiled, and

greedy.

Rhinestone Washington, a boozing Atlanta socialite, wife of D .C., and bitter

arch rival of Alizé.

Armand Washington, jet setter, and international playboy, son of DC and

Rhinestone. And humble stable girl, Billie Jean.

Along with faithful servants, Pearl the feisty maid, and her frisky Jamaican

husband, Rollo the butler.

Well, it tastes like you made it with your own two feet.

Let me tell you she was looking.

Hey, sis, what's going on?

Pearl tried to poison me.

Remind me to give her a raise.

Please, Miss Blissanne, let me go to Pie Pie's and pick up your favorite, a two

-piece and biscuit.

This before, we can't fire Pearl and Rollo. They've been with this family,

since before you were born.

And Pearl was your stepbrother's wedding, Mary?

Yes, those were the days.

Well, if you don't fire them, I demand another oil fee.

How about your own private jet instead?

Like I need two of those.

Okay, okay, I'll buy you an oil field.

But the Saudis have to stay.

Here, fetch me my morning martini and my vitamins, please.

Well, son, aren't you going to introduce us to your play toys?

Oh, my bad.

This is... Well, I know one of them is Bunny.

I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.

Oh, what now, stable girl?

Well, I was just wondering if I could get a raise.

It's just that the horses need shoes, and so do I.

Oh, you poor thing.

Get the door.

Can you believe her? She's only been here two years, and she's already asking

for a raise?

I know. We give her a place to stay and all the oats she can eat.

the underbelly of a whore.

Alizé, here at Pitchfork Ranch, it's customary to greet someone when you

their mansion.

My bad.

Good morning, gold -digging heifer.

Morning to you too, brazen hussy.

All right, all right. Enough of the niceties.

Why are you here, Alizé?

Don't I have a right to visit my one and only child?

Okay, enough bonding.

My name is Billie Jean.

Change it.

I'm going to the liquor bar.

Well, could you drop me off at Roscoe's Giddens and Waffles? I haven't eaten

there in a long time.

We were there this morning.

Well, you know, loose sex makes a girl hungry.

Go draw me a bath.

Come on, hurry up.

What do you want, Alizé?

Now, D .C. darling, is that any way to speak to your ex -wife and the best

you've ever had?

So, what is this visit going to cost me?

Besides the crushed pelvis?

Not much. Just control and interest in your company.

That'll never happen.

Don't be so sure of that.

Me and my secretary?

No.

Me and the mayor's wife?

Me and the mayor?

No.

Really?

They're pictures of bald women.

How'd you get these?

Don't you worry your pretty process here about that.

See, they used your latest product, Perm Forever, but now they'll be bald

forever. And it'll be a pity if the newspapers got a hold of this.

What do you want?

A merger.

Between your company and my company. With me as CEO.

Head honcho, big wig, big baller, shot caller.

Now look, I want you to make a big announcement tonight at the party. What

party? The party you're throwing for me.

Run out!

Walkman!

Show her the door.

It's over there.

That big wooden thing with a handle.

I'm not done yet.

So, we see everything's going as planned.

Just like you mapped it out, baby.

Once DC signs those papers, this will all be ours.

Good, good, good.

Then I'll finally be able to get rid of Pearl and be with you, my one and only

love.

Till tonight, my darling. Soon come.

Soon will come.

What do you think you're doing, Rallo?

Securing our future.

Well, our plan is working.

Like clockwork.

I want an ugly love.

As soon as DC signs the company over to LSA, me marry LSA, don't...

and get rid of you.

No, no, that's wrong.

What me meant was me dump Pearl, marry and murder Alizé and you and I will be

the richest couple in black America.

And he'll be so broke we'll make him my butler.

Oh, that's nothing. My daddy promised to buy me an island with real humans on

it.

Stable girl, this champagne is nasty.

Go down to the malt liquor selling, get me a 40.

Okay, shorty.

You ain't gonna let me take you away from all this.

Boy, what are you talking about? I nursed you.

I know.

Attention, everyone.

your attention, please.

Tonight, with my signature, you'll witness the largest merger of black hair

products in American history.

Stay straighter and stay pearly. We'll become one entity. Stay wavy.

Dang, Daddy, we're gonna be even richer.

Not us, honey. Your mama's gonna run the business.

signature on these papers, and then I'm gonna get paid.

Give me back. Money belongs to me.

Beat it, you booze and bimbo. The money is mine.

Look at

her. She's lucky all I broke was her neck.

She broke my neck, punctured my lung, and knocked out my teeth.

I'm still getting paid.

Hmm.

I'm going to open a chain of drive -thru male strip clubs.

I'll call it McStrippendales.

Can't believe I have to talk with this thorny accent.

With that kind of money, I could buy you half this mansion and all the girls,

too.

I could end world hunger, but I won't.

Good morning. My name is Lonnie Cochran, and I'll be reading Mr. D .C.

Washington's last will and testament.

Let's begin.

I, District of Columbia, Washington, being of sound mind and body, do

hereby leave the following.

To Alizé.

Oh, Jesus.

My greedy, self -centered first wife. I leave one nickel.

What?

Representing one cent for each tortured year I was married to her.

To my drunken wife, Rhinestone.

Who nearly sped me into destitution.

I leave you the 1 -8. number to the Betty Ford class.

I'm getting to that.

As for my entire hair oil dynasty, that is to be divided amongst my three

children.

But there's only two of us.

No, D .C. had a third child, born 19 years ago.

Well, who is it?

No one knows.

Not even D .C.

knew. It doesn't matter. Me and my sister will take this, sir.

You and your sister are free to do just that if no one comes forward within 24

hours.

One more thing.

Each child must take a DNA test before they can receive the inheritance.

What? A DNA test?

Oh, I hope there's no Maya.

But why? To verify that these are D .C.'s children.

He had his doubts.

Lonnie's not coming.

We don't need some stupid test to tell us who DC's children are. That's right.

Besides, we deserve... I mean, our kids deserve that money.

I'll drink to that.

Good morning, everyone.

Sorry I was delayed.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Yeah, didn't your brakes go off? Didn't your steering wheel lock up?

As a matter of fact, all that did happen.

How did you know?

Lucky guess.

Man, you survived all that?

Yes, I did.

But unfortunately, my girlfriend didn't. We switched cars this morning.

Shall we begin?

I have the results of the DNA test.

What does it say?

It says DC is in my pops.

Ha! I always knew you were a little bastard.

I hate to tell you this, Armand, but Rollo is your real daddy.

What? You did it with the butler? It wasn't my fault. I was sober.

You're great, Mom, for me.

Getting lost, butler boy.

Not so fast, Blithanne.

Daddy wasn't my daddy.

Look, baby, I never thought it would come to this.

I always imagined I would outlive you.

Now who's the bastard child?

Well, at least I'm not the butler's child.

Well, actually, baby, you're the butler and the maid's child.

You did it with the maid?

No, baby.

Let me explain.

See, it was 20 years ago, and I was pregnant, and D .C. desperately wanted a

child, but I felt ill, and I miscarried.

But Pearl was pregnant, too, so I made a deal with Pearl and Rollo. You made a

deal? You bought me?

Yeah. It cost me an all -expense -paid trip to Atlantic City.

Is that out?

No, I threw in $100 worth of chips.

So where does that leave us, Mr. Cochran? Yeah, who gets the money now?

I know who the missing child is.

A year after my darling Blissanne was born.

I gave birth to another child.

D .C.'s child.

But then he threatened me, so I had no choice but to send her away.

Well, where is she?

Pearl asked me to test Billie Jean.

And the results confirm that she is sole heir to the black hair oil fortune.

Billie Jean, I hereby release D .C.'s entire estate to you.

Congratulations.

Wait one kinky curl minute. She can't be their daughter.

They're black, and she's white.

She's not white. She's just light -skinned.

Yes, I am.

Damn! How is that possible?

I faked my own death.

But why?

I wanted to expose you all for the low -down, backstabbing, lying cheaters you

all are.

Oh, Daddy!

You may not have felt me, but I'm still your little girl.

Get away, you imposter!

to the money now.

Well, the money will still be mine and you'll still work in the stable.

Could I at least get some shoes?

Wear the horses.

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

Oh, no!

Who shot DC?

Guess we'll have to wait until next season.

No, you won't. I shot him.

From the best years of my life and all he left me were some funky mocks? I

think so.

Just before the trial, Billie Jean and Pearl fled.

I mean, relocated to Peru.

But they lived happily ever after. So what do you think, Mama? Isn't it good?

Yeah. It was even better on Dallas.

Kim, you're plagiarist.

No, Mama. I like people of all colors.

Plagiarism means you copied someone's work.

No, that would be Tracy.

Now, I want you to sit here and come up with something original.

Mama, it's hard.

Just relax and let your mind go blank.

Now I know you can do that.

Leave it to an old person to remember an old show like Dallas.

Now what am I going to write about?

What do you want?

A merger between your company and my company.

I see me plan is going as planned. That didn't make no damn sense.

But I liked it.