Original subtitles

Okay, people, the charity auction for the homeless is in one week.

Miss Parker, can I have the treasurer's report, please?

Well, it looks like we're going to break last year's record of $10 ,000.

That is if we sell more tickets than we sold last year.

Tia, what's happening with entertainment?

Oh, it's going to be the bomb.

We got Master P, Q -Tip, Lauryn Hill, Lil' Kim. You got all of them? Got their

CDs.

Kim, what's happening with the bachelorette auction?

Oh, we have 30 eligible bachelorettes and two unhappily married women ready to

give their all for SMC.

And one prepared to give her all for you, Professor.

Not that all, Mama. We're just going to cook for the men who buy in.

Listen to yourself.

Why stop at selling dinners? Why not go all the way and sell our bodies?

Damn, this is going to be the biggest auction ever.

That much, huh?

And how much would that be?

$10 ,000.

Don't you remember?

Oh, yeah, of course, of course.

You think it's wise to have that much money lying around?

It's not going to be lying around. It'll be in the office safe. Oh, that's

right, right, right.

And I have the cue.

charity auction.

I've just been informed that we have broken last year's record of $10 ,000.

Now, uh, speaking on behalf of the homeless, tell me this. What kind of

you gonna get in Santa Monica for $10 ,000?

Now, remember, T, when they call my name, you bid on me.

I see you on our date level.

Kim, aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, here's $85.

Why don't I give you an even hundred? I'm worth it.

Our next bachelorette is Amira. She is a freshman who enjoyed... Hundred

dollars.

Sold to the anxious young brother with the drool all over his jeans.

Hold up, that's my hundred dollars. Come on, Kim, it's for charity.

Now our next honey is the lovely Miss Kim Parker.

include shopping, thinking about shopping, and eating while shopping.

Do I hit 20?

We have 20. Do I hit 30?

$500?

$500? Sold. But you could have had me for a whole week for that kind of money.

Who was that?

I don't know, but I think it's that cutie back there.

Hi.

Excuse me, Damien, but I'm looking for the cutie who just bid on me.

That would be me.

You? Yeah, I think we're going to be really good friends.

And next we have one of my favorites, Nikki

Parker. She is him, she is now, and she is young. The price is...

bid five pounds of crushed aluminum cans for a small lady with a big smile and

an even bigger heart, Stevie Van Lowe.

Come on up here, girl. You know,

I can't put my finger on an end down, but there's something definitely

about the professor.

Girl, I think he genuinely likes...

Proves love can conquer all.

No.

That proves that with enough stalking, you can wear any man down.

I got a problem.

I just got off the phone with Damien. I don't feel like making dinner for him.

Kim, when have you ever felt like making dinner for anybody?

Look, you made a commitment, and you're going to stick to it.

Besides, that boy paid good money for you.

$500. Whole dollar.

Tonight's my date with Thomas.

So? At least he's easy to cook for. All you gotta do is open up a can of beans

and give him a spoon.

You're so insensitive.

All right, so what are we gonna do?

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna make sure that Damien never ever wants

see me again.

I feel you.

Hey!

Yo,

man, how'd you find me?

All right, all right.

I'll have your money for you tomorrow.

Nah, man, you got my word on it. Look, I ran into something that's about to pay

off big time. You hear me?

Yeah. All right, peace.

Hello? Hey, Sly, it's me.

Me who? Stan, your other half.

My bad, half Cancun.

Beautiful, sun, beaches.

Veronica.

What more could a man ask for? Hey, listen.

Thanks for saving me at the last minute. Veronica would have left me if I didn't

make this trip.

Yeah, man, that's what brothers are for.

So, um, how's things on your end?

Oh, great.

Better than expected.

Oh, you got a job?

No, your fundraiser was a complete success.

Oh, fantastic.

I hope Miss Parker wasn't too much of a pest.

Oh, no, man, no, because, uh, you really like her now.

Say what?

Oh, Jet Ski, they're ready.

Oh, I'll be right there, Snookum.

Listen, you stay away from Miss Parker, okay?

Sorry, big bro.

I won't be able to do that.

Hook's in the front.

My bad. I'm sorry.

You know, I can hardly believe it's you.

Of course it's me. You know.

Stan, your man.

Now, was that me or the wind?

You know it was you.

Come on, baby. Let's go inside.

freshen our drinks and why don't you slip into something a little more

You got to put those in water?

Oh, yeah.

Should I come in?

I wouldn't, but suit yourself.

I can't tell you how excited I am to be having a date with you.

I've seen you around campus, right? And I always wanted to go out with you.

You have so much energy and so much life and so much...

in the kitchen. Something's burning.

Oh, that's your dinner.

Yeah, it'll be ready in about ten minutes.

Well, it's not gonna answer itself.

You must be Damien. I'm Stevie. This is Thomas.

Whew, I smell something burning. That's dinner.

Smells delicious.

What's his problem? I don't know.

I can't scare him off. I drop like a bum, he loves it. I pick him up on the

he's doing handstands.

Well, this here tastes good.

Done just the way I like it.

Free.

Well, I guess I better get dinner ready.

So, Thomas, how's the date going?

Oh, no, let me clear this up. This is not a date, no.

the transaction where one person pays money for the companionship of another.

I thought elves were supposed to be friendly.

I say we shake the spot and hit a club.

But you mean just leave?

Yeah, man. Look, if you're willing to pay $500 for Kim, you're going to love

Trixie's Chickateria.

Is that the key to your heart?

It could be.

Why don't I just get some passion fruit massage oil, and I'll be right back.

Well, I'll be right here with some passion.

Hello.

This really isn't a good time.

Break my legs.

You know, it is a good time.

Hold on a minute.

I'm ready to be oiled, Stanley.

God, I'm hallucinating.

Come on, tiger.

Rub me down.

Miss Parker.

What the hell are you doing in my bed?

Would you prefer the floor?

Absolutely not.

Oh, I get it. We're playing a little fantasy game.

That's why you changed your clothes.

You're the angry professor.

I'm the naughty little schoolgirl.

Do you want to spank me, professor?

Yes.

you to get dressed and get out of my house. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need

drink.

Don't you baby me.

And you changed your clothes again, you psycho.

Wait, wait.

I'm sorry it took so long.

There's no reason to get all upset.

Now, I know what will calm you.

Some more Alizea.

So, I'll just run down to the store and get another bottle.

And you just sit here and relax.

And I'll be right there.

That's it. Shh.

What do you think?

I'm so sorry.

And you are... Hell, I don't care who you are.

Stanley.

You've never kissed me like that before.

Maybe we should argue more often.

Shut up and kiss me. Oh, Stanley.

Make sure you pick up some con.

Dement.

What the hell is going on here?

So, you picked an argument with me so you could get back here to this?

This? Oh, this is about to go upside your head.

Ladies, ladies.

No need to fight.

You know, three doesn't have to be a crowd.

What is all the yelling about?

No.

No. I mean, I am never touching another...

I came here to apologize to you.

Or you.

Hold on to that apology. Look, I'm sorry.

This poor imitation of me is my twin brother, Sylvester.

Ew!

He kissed me!

What? And he kissed me, too!

Ew!

Ladies, I didn't mean any harm.

I guess I overstayed my welcome.

I better be going.

I'm sorry, bro.

You certainly are.

Look, you can send me my stuff.

Nikki?

Yeah, right.

Stanley, what the hell were you thinking?

Ladies, I'm sorry.

Look, baby, I just wanted to spend some more time with you.

Oh, my God.

My key.

My key.

So, Clickfly, where do you think you're going?

God, look, Nikki, I can explain.

What's to explain?

You stole the key so you could take the money.

You used me.

Look, I got $10 ,000 here.

200 of it has your name on it.

I'm not a thief or a liar.

Or cheap.

All right.

All right, all right, you got me.

But let me tell you something.

At first, it was about the money, but somewhere along the line, I... Look, I

started feeling something for you. Save it.

Uh -uh.

Now, you fooled me once, but not again. Come on, baby. All you have to do is

turn your head. Nobody has to know.

But I would know.

Why don't you do the right thing?

It's been real, Nikki.

Apparently not.

I'm out.

On second thought, maybe I'll just leave the money and go out the back way.

Good thinking.

You really liked him, didn't you?

Nah.

He wasn't my type.

Besides, he had a funny shape head.

Oh, so deep.

How did your date go with my money?

A dummy for some computer geek that dropped out of Santa Monica?

What kind of loser drops out of community college?

The kind that owns his own Internet company, goes public, and makes $5

in one day.

$5 million?

Yeah. There he is now.

Uncle! I'm Rachel!

Damien, you who's over here?

You know, the other night, I was just playing.

It was a test, and you passed.

You're right. I do pass.

Ready, baby?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy my new girlfriend a new Mercedes.

She picked out a green one.

It matches my eyes.

Mr. D, man, we got the roll. The Mercedes dealership fit the clothes.

Oh, and Stevie.

Stevie.

Just so you know that there's no hard feelings, I wanted to invite you to my

housewarming. Mr. D bought this hobo a condo.

I

started

having feelings for you.

I say we shake the spot.

What?