Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This is the only episode of The Muppet Show where every single song is written

by one artist.

And that artist is the show's guest star, Paul Simon.

It's been a long, long day.

Paul's work is so full of great imagery that it was perfect for The Muppets. For

instance, the big production number that starts out the show, Scarborough Fair,

is done as an elaborate old English fair filled with bears and pigs and frogs

and ornate period costumes.

This episode also features one of the more bizarre Muppet creations, Bobby

Benson and his all -baby band.

Here it is, The Muppet Show, starring Paul Simon.

Paul Simon, I'm the guest on the show tonight.

Oh, Paul Simon, great. Yeah, great.

What you working on there?

Oh, it's a lever. It's supposed to work the trap door, but it's busted.

It's busted, huh?

Seems all right to me.

I love it, but of course, I know 50 ways to love

your lever.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppet on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the puppet show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, motivational, this is what we call The Muppet Show!

Kissy, kissy.

Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have a

wonderful show for you tonight because our guest star is one of America's great

composers, Mr. Paul Simon.

Yes, so sit back and enjoy yourselves as we proudly present an entire evening

devoted to the music of Paul Simon.

I'm going to start.

She once was a true love of mine.

Tell her to make me

a cambric shirt.

Then she'll be a true love.

Tell her to

fight.

Show me your lifeline!

Sing fast!

And to gather it all in a bunch of petals.

Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Oh, yay, oh, yay.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair, said Simple Simon to the pie man.

Uh, let me have a crusty pie to go.

To go where?

Well, here.

This is the Sheriff of Nottingham here, and you're under arrest for playing a

lute without a license.

Come on.

I've seen better fares on the bus.

Okay,

nice opening number.

Yeah, it was delicious.

Arganist Tiltz, mind your head on that... On that floor.

Oh, Kermit, that Paul Simon is fantastic.

Yeah. He's really the kind of performer I'd like to be.

Well, he comes from a different area of show business.

He's so entertaining.

Exactly.

Listen, from now on, I am going to be a songwriter.

You write songs?

Yeah, you want to hear one?

No. Hit it, boys.

Who's playing that music?

Are you? Stop, stop.

I don't want to hear any more of that.

But, uh, pearls before frogs.

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me.

The answer is easy if you take it logically.

I'm here to help you in your struggling to be free. There must be 50 ways to

leave your lover.

50 ways to leave your lover.

Just slip out back, Jack.

Make a new grandstand.

You don't need to be coy, Roy.

Just listen to me.

For sure.

Hop on the bus, Gus.

You don't need to discuss much.

Just drop off keenly and get self -free.

Hey, are you sure it isn't 50 ways to love your lever?

Positive. Oh, sorry, Paul.

She said it's really not my habit to intrude. Furthermore...

I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued.

But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude. There must be 50 ways to

leave your lover.

50 ways to leave your lover.

You just slip out, back, jack, make a new plan, stand.

No need to be coy, Roy.

Just listen to me, Roy.

Hop on the bus, Gus.

You don't need to discuss much.

Just drop off keenly and get yourself free.

And get yourself free.

And get yourself free.

And get yourself free.

you were doing your music on the show, I told Kermit that we should do that song

of yours. It's been a long, long day.

Oh, gee, Pops, that's nice of you to say.

But, you know, we didn't plan on doing that song.

It's not on the schedule.

Oh, too bad.

It's a beautiful song.

Oh, thanks.

Of course, I never did care much for schedules.

It's been a long...

I got some run -down shoes.

Ain't got no place to stay.

But any old place will be okay.

It's been...

I've sure been on this road for nearly 14

years.

Can't say my name's well known.

You don't see my face in rolling stone.

But I've sure been on...

Slow motion Half a

dollar bill Jukebox in

the corner Shooting to kill And

it's been a It's been a long

But it's been.

Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a

who's gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob, you don't look well. Are you all right?

I'm still in shock from what happened to my last patient.

But you cured him.

You don't think I was in shock?

Well, here's the next one.

Shock or patient?

Both.

nothing wrong with me. I just came here for laughs.

Boy, are you in the wrong place.

As long as I'm here, I want to donate my body to science.

With your body, you should donate it to science fiction.

To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?

Who cares? I believe in reincarnation.

What are you coming back as next time?

How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.

And so we come to the end of another veterinarian's hospital.

That's our announcer.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Dr. Bob, are you going to

operate? Yes, I'm going to remove one of the patient's vital organs a great many

times whilst mentioning a Paul Simon song.

Terrific! What's it called?

Fifty Ways to Leave Your Liver.

It's freezing in here. Hey, Waldorf, when you come back, bring me my coat.

What? Bring me my coat.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Your hearing aid's busted again.

What?

There is a Muppet News flag.

Police today announced a total amnesty on all overdue library books.

Library fines will be forgiven on all overdue books returned to this station

within the next three seconds.

Three seconds? That must be a misprint.

Am

I

interrupting anything?

Hey, Gonzo, come on in.

Thank you.

Can I tell you something? Sure.

You are my favorite Muppet.

Wow. Thank you, Paul.

Is it okay if I call you Paul?

Oh, yeah, sure.

And you can call me Gonzo the Great.

Well, that's enough about me.

Which one of my songs do you want to hear?

Your songs?

You don't think I'm musically educated?

Oh, I think you're musically educated. Good.

Hand me that clarinet.

Gonzo, you know, this clarinet is my very favorite.

And I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself. But

guard it with my life.

I feared you'd say that.

Okay, I'll tell you what. You play and I'll sing. Hit it.

Good for you.

I'd wash my hair with stinky glue. I'd fry my legs and eat them too. I'd put a

spider in my shoe.

For you.

That's just the first verse. You want to hear the other 28?

I'm still thinking about that first verse.

Yeah, what about it? Tell me. I'm willing to listen.

Well, you know the part about the stinky glue?

Fantastico! I wouldn't have written it that way.

And then also that part about I'll fry my legs, eat them too.

You don't like the leg -frying motif?

You're sick.

If you're going to get... picky about minor technicalities.

I mean, it's just my opinion.

Oh, yeah? And do they call you Simon the Great?

No. Yeah, I stayed up all night writing the leg -frying motif.

I'll tell you what.

I promise you, I'll never play this instrument again unless I'm playing one

your songs.

Wow, you really mean that?

Absolutely. A promise is a promise.

You're not going to sing, are you?

Never mind. Just introduce me.

Well, why don't you do that act you rehearsed? What?

Perform an underwater heart transplant operation on myself?

Sure. Why not?

I don't know. Last time I did it, I died.

Listen, Garza, I'm telling you flatly, you can't sing.

Oh, I can sing flatly.

Not on this show. The only songs we're doing here are Paul Simon songs.

Well, fine. I'll do a Paul Simon song.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, I'll introduce you. Good.

Or sort of a Paul Simon song.

Wow, nice work, kid!

Okay,

well, we've done a lot for the music lovers on the show, so it's time we did

something for the music haters.

So here he is, as threatened, the great Gonzo, singing a song.

of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.

I'd rather be a pancake than a sneeze.

In the trees, a life of ease.

I'd rather be a noble than a drain.

In the rain, it's very plain.

Hey, Gonzo!

You got the melody right, but I think those are the wrong words.

You write them your way, I'll write them mine.

I'd rather be a mushroom than a phone.

You know, if he's going to do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back, you

know. What are you going to do?

I'm going to take the chickens.

Hey, girls!

There's a party over at my place.

Come on over.

Paul's having? No.

A hen party.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite Paul Simon songs, Baby Driver, as

performed by Bobby Benson and the All Baby Band, poses the musical question,

it a good idea to let a 12 -month -old baby drive on the freeway while playing

the ukulele?

Well, the answer is no, it isn't, and I'm getting out of here.

You think they should be burped? No, burped. Okay,

good number, guys.

I know, I know.

Hey, catch.

Oh, Gonzo, I heard about Paul Simon taking your chickens. I'm sorry about

Oh, not to worry, Kermit. Chickens are much too fickle, so I'm developing a new

obsession. Really? What could possibly replace chickens in your life? Hold on

your collar.

Asparagus!

Your average asparagus is much more loyal than even the finest chicken.

Okay, but what are these eggs here for?

These are asparagus eggs.

Asparagus is a plant. It doesn't come from eggs.

She loved me.

She'd get down on her knees and she'd hug me.

She loved me like a rock.

She rocked me like a rock of ages and she loved me.

She loved me, loved me, loved me.

When I was grown to be a man.

When the devil called my name.

consummated me.

On the presidential podium, my mama still loves me.

She loves me.

She loves me.

She just loves me like a rock.

She loves me like a rock of ages and she loves me.

Loves me like a rock.

Loves me like a rock. Honey, you lied when you said you loved me.

won't you care?

But I'd rather go on believing your lies than living without you.

like them.

Goodbye!

And before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and

gentlemen, Paul Simon!

And thank you, Kermit.

I had a wonderful time. Oh, good.

I hate to say this, Paul, but you look a little henpecked.

That's okay. I know how to take care of this.

Really? How?

Five chicken dinners to go.

Hey, you old fool. You slept through the show.

Who's a fool?

You watched it.