Original subtitles

Hi. Oh, who are you?

I'm Shirley Bassey. I'm doing the show tonight.

Oh, right. You're doing the show tonight? Mm -hmm. Great. You can brush

What? I have to brush your rat?

Everybody pitches in around here.

Oh, good. Then you can call my crocodile.

They warned me about this show, so I came prepared.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Shirley Bassett.

Yeah!

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppet on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muffin Show tonight.

Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show.

It's time to get things started on the Motivational, Inspirational,

Celebrational, Motivational, This is what we call the Muppet Show!

Come on, your uncle's calling!

Thank you, thank you, hi, hello, and welcome to the Muppet Show!

And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight because our guest star is one of

the world's great singers, Miss Shirley Bassey.

Yes, but first, how would you like to boogie?

Well then, get thee to a barnyard.

in the barnyard pen. Wah, wah. Said the duck, won't you let me in?

Cluck, cluck, cluck. Said the little white hen, let's boogie in the barnyard.

Bye, bye. Said the sheep coming in off home. Moo, moo.

Said the cow, let the butter roll.

Cluck, cluck, cluck. Said the little white hen, let's boogie in the barnyard.

Well, the barnyard was jumping.

Everybody having to flee.

Even old McDonald had to do a little corny swing.

Whoa, whoa.

There's a boogie in the barnyard. Take it!

Oh, yeah.

Play the men in the theater box. Don't boogie in the barnyard.

Very good, barnyard animals. Nicely mooed, oinked, and clucked.

What about me?

Okay. I thought it was good.

Out, out, out, out.

I hate cheap shots.

Okay, on stage. Dancing sax. Dancing sax on stage, please.

Hey, Chief, you know in Shirley Bassey's closing number, Goldfinger, how you

wanted the set painted gold? We don't have any gold paint.

What? Best we can do is kind of a rust color.

Scooter, she's not going to sing Rustfinger.

Haven't you got something closer to gold?

Well, what if we bring in some ice and she sings Coldfinger?

Scooter, will you go out and get some paint right now? Yes, boss.

Oh, come it.

Those socks are really boring.

Oh, well, sack to sack.

Yes, sir. On stage, Shirley Bassey. Shirley Bassey on stage, please.

It's all your fault. You got no sense of rhythm.

Ah, shut up, you old bag.

Okay, well, in sharp contrast to that last act, what could be more different

than the dramatic sophistication of our lovely, talented guest star? Ladies and

gentlemen, the dynamic Miss Shirley Bassey!

They're the cold eyes, but they're not the gold.

Let me put you wise.

There's a lazy lip, but they'll come to life

should we come to grips.

If you have any...

down below. Great number.

Thanks.

Thanks? You didn't write fire down below.

No, but the guy who did had just had a bowl of my chili.

Okay, nice number. Those fake gold bars looked very good, guys.

Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I got some news.

Oh, you got the gold paint? Well, we don't need the paint anymore.

Why not?

Well, you'll see. Come here. Hey, Bruno?

Bruno?

Bruno,

this is Kermit.

It's a frog. You didn't say nothing about no frog.

Oh, he's okay.

You see, I saw Bruno across the street parked in an armored van.

He's loaning us the gold for Shirley Bassey's number.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Yeah, he's a big fan.

Yeah, I love her. Uh -huh. That's real gold?

Yeah, you bet, Mac. Fifty million bucks, White.

Wow, I've never even touched real gold before.

Nobody touches this gold except me.

Yes, sir.

I still don't trust a frog.

Something about the eyes.

Well, he's okay, Bruno. Honest. You know what 50 million bucks means to a frog?

Anyway, if one of these gold bars is... Okay.

Spread them out. Spread them out.

What'd you do with it? What'd you do with it? It couldn't have been him. He

right here.

Oh, yeah? You know how fast these frogs are? You ever seen one catch a fly?

Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

For centuries, alchemists have labored in vain, trying to turn lead into gold.

That would be so snazzy.

Now, this machine cannot turn lead into gold, but it can do the next best thing.

It can turn gold into cottage cheese.

Now, here's my assistant, Beaker, with a nice, shiny, bright bar of gold.

Let's put it in the machine, Beaker.

That's good.

Now we turn the machine on.

So,

the

experiment is complete.

What'd he do with the gold?

Well, he put it right in the machine here.

Cottage cheese.

Low in cholesterol, high in vitamins.

Come in.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Baffy. Yes? Oh, here's that cottage cheese you ordered.

thank you, Spencer. I do like a light snack in between numbers.

Yeah.

Are you sure this is fresh?

Oh, yeah. Why do you ask?

I call this a light snack.

Well...

I tell you, Shirley, it makes me feel weird.

I mean, it's sitting right there next to Kermit's desk. Fifty million dollars

worth of gold.

Just try to ignore it, Fosby.

It's only money.

But, Shirley, fifty million dollars?

Do you know how many jokes that would buy?

Your kind of joke?

Quite a few.

No, no, really.

I have an expensive gag writer.

Gags Beasley. He charges fifty cents a laugh.

Yeah. A dollar, a dollar for a boffo belly grabber. A boffo belly grabber.

if you divide a boffo belly grabber into 50 million dollars, do you have any

money? There are many more things in life.

Let me tell you a little story.

Okay? Okay.

A long time ago, a million years before.

The best things in life were absolutely free.

But no one appreciated a sky that was

always blue.

And no one congratulated a moon

that was always blue.

it was planned that they would vanish now and then and you must

pay before you get them back again that's what

storms were made for and you shouldn't be

afraid

Here comes the Muppet Show with the theater holding over $50 million in gold

bullion. Trained guards watch the precious metal round the clock, and dire

consequences will befall anyone who so much as lays a finger on it, like so.

Ah!

Ah!

The doctor!

They're going to be all right.

Stay with him.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the great Gonzo conducts Lieberstrom Wild.

Tough luck, Gonzo. Oh, tough luck. Au contraire, mon ami.

Spanish. You have just witnessed the birth of a great new show business

partnership.

Gonzo and Buster.

Buster? The crab's name is... Of course it is.

I just don't understand.

What, uh, Gonzo?

No, Shirley Bassey. What's she doing on a show like this?

Right now, she's going to sing, so why don't you just get that gold on stage,

okay? Okay.

Come on, on stage.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Well, I was going to go introduce Shirley.

Well, go on, then.

Yes, sir.

Take an eye on that frog.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've had a few artists on The Muppet Show who have

solid gold records, and Shirley Bassey is no exception.

But she is the only guest we've ever had with a solid gold set.

Yes, no expense spared. so please welcome the inestimable, the priceless,

surely...

and to hit

I love the show.

It's lots of fun and full of pride.

Surprises? Mm -hmm.

Bruno, you apologize this minute. Okay, okay. I'm sorry I accused you. It was

Shirley Bassey.

It was Clement who stated...

I bought gold back when it was cheap. Really? Where is it now?

Oh...