Original subtitles

The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Avery Shriver.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight.

Did you know that George the janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted

pocket in my two hips for the room?

To introduce our guest star, that's what it's time to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you Mr.

Avery Schreiber!

But now let's get started.

has been making television and nightclub audiences laugh for many years as part

of the comedy team of Burns and Schreiber. And right now, he's launching

career as a movie performer and a television star in his own right, Mr.

Schreiber. So we should have another biggie, but right now, let's get things

underway with our own Dr.

Teeth and Electric Mayhem!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to do for you an old favorite.

We like to think of our group as being able to play more than hard rock, so

here's an old favorite for some of you moms and pops.

It's called, and we'll play, Tenderly.

The evening breeze, cross the trees, tenderly.

The trembling trees, embrace the breeze, tenderly.

Then you and I came one during by and lost

in a sigh where we...

The shore was kissed by sea

and mist.

I can't forget.

I was just thinking, apropos of nothing, but is it pronounced tomato or tomato?

Is what pronounced tomato or tomato?

Great number. Warm, sensitive. My grandmother will love it.

Scooter, scooter.

Oh, dear nephew of the theater owner.

Well, yes, Miss Payne. What'd you do? Miss Piggy a favor?

Sure, why not?

Well, you may have noticed I have given my love to Kermit. You may also have

noticed his reluctance in returning same.

Oh, so you want me to get your love from Kermit and give it back to you. Okay,

where does he keep it?

Amusing little twit, isn't he?

Grow, bonehead!

I want you to make him jealous.

Oh, I see. I want you... to tell him that Avery Schreiber is simply mad about

me. Oh, you want me to lie?

Just do it.

And if I refuse?

Well, then I will karate chop you until the only thing you'll be able to go for

is down for the count.

And one jealous frog coming up.

Oh, Peggy and Kermit were sweethearts.

Mighty Gladiator, Sir Avery of Macho, is scheduled to meet and challenge the

most fearsome, vicious beast known in the world today, the Monster of the

As a matter of fact, here comes Sir Avery now. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir

of Macho!

Where is he?

Where is he? Where is he?

Where is he?

No, no, I am Kermit the Frog, sir.

Kermit the Frog?

Yes, sir. Well, where is this monster?

I'll rip him to shreds. I'll tear off his arms and legs and play pick -up

sticks. Where is he?

Now, what does that mean? Is it going to rain or something?

No, no, no. Matter of fact, I think that means that the monster's about to make

his appearance.

Is that right?

Who's going to do what to me when...

the monster of the moors? No, I'm Little Bo Peep. What's it to you?

Seems to have an overactive pituitary gland.

All right, monster.

This is Travery of Macho.

I'm here to challenge you.

All right, I accept.

How do you want to...

With swords or clubs.

Name your pleasure.

Well, I choose, right?

Mm -hmm.

And the weapon I choose... Is insults. Oh,

insults. That's right.

It's a lot bigger than my agent told me.

For that right here, folks, Sir Avery has chosen insults, and indeed he is

for his razor -like wit, which he's going to need because he's against one

the foulest mouths in the kingdom.

Ready?

Give me your best shot, fat stuff.

Fat stuff?

You call me fat stuff?

Your mother wears open -toed combat boots.

Sir Avery opened with roll standard there. Let's see how the monster

You call that an insult?

Here's an insult.

The last time I saw a head like yours was in a lettuce patch.

Look at that. Sir Avery has been hit. Sir Avery has been hit. Let's see how he

answers now.

Monster, I've been talking to your best friends.

And?

You don't have any.

Look at that. Sir Avery is now choosing the psychological attack.

As a matter of fact...

No, no, I won't tell you. Oh, please.

I can take it.

Nobody likes him.

As a matter of fact, your dog doesn't like you.

In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog. I had a dog. You had a dog. What

happened to him? I ate him. Why'd you eat him? Because he didn't like me.

I give up. You win.

Look at that, folks. It looks like it's all over now.

Sir Avery, only one thing. When you and Burns had a comedy team, you were my

favorite comedy team. Well, second favorite of all time.

What do you mean, second favorite? Who was first?

Storsky and Hutch.

Oh, look at that. Sir Avery is hit bad. He's going down.

It looks like, friends, I think it's going to be a draw.

Wait a minute.

I demand a...

It was his insult.

It was his breath.

So I win a lot.

But it's a lonely life.

Funny man. He was great as a team.

I wonder what it feels like to work alone.

Ask me. I do it every week.

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

And here it is, folks, the product you've all been waiting for, the new

-state gorilla detector.

Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said

yourself, is there a gorilla in here?

And how many people do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were

eaten by undetected gorillas?

Well, no more of that.

Whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and

its bell will ring.

Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well -being. At last, your family can

be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

That creature is not a gorilla. If he were a gorilla, the lights would flash

the bell would ring.

Yes, mobile technology is wonderful.

It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet. So I know

scientifically that I am not being eaten by a gorilla.

go for Avery and tell him to stand by for his next number?

Boss, you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Well, so far that's

you've done. Nothing.

I would climb the highest mountain. I would swim the widest river. I'd walk

across burning coals. Please, just go get Avery. That I can't do.

What? Sorry, boss, but he and Miss Piggy are in his dressing room, and he told

me he did not want to be disturbed.

Piggy and Avery, are you nuts? Why, he wouldn't touch her with a ten -foot

You're right. He was touching her with his hands.

She was also whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

Nothings like... Would you get out of here? Out, out, out!

Anybody want to buy a gopher cheap?

Piggy and Avery?

bit someone.

I'm very careful with my diet. When I got on the scale this morning, I weighed

104 pounds.

Strip? Of course not. The drugstore was crowded.

if nothing bothers you? Are you into meditation?

No!

Sedation!

Boogie! Boogie!

Boogie! They shouldn't allow his kind in here.

You're right. He's a lousy dancer.

Boogie! Boogie! Boogie!

Thank you!

This special place is brightened by your special face.

I wish I may, I wish I might, have the

wish I wish for you too.

your soul.

I'm glad to see you again, Kermit. I really feel at home here, you know. Oh,

hello, my love.

Miss Piggy, listen, I was just starting to talk to Avery.

Oh, please, please let me just stand here and gaze upon that adorable face.

Well, there's no time for that, no matter how adorable you think my face

Not your face, El Toto.

His. His? Oh, Miss Piggy. Oh, you can call me...

real name, which few men have called me.

Pigathrius.

Pigathrius? It's from the Greek meaning river of passion.

And Miss Piggy, you can call me Avery. It's from the Yiddish meaning hold the

mayo.

You can both call me a cab because I'm getting out of here and so are you.

What's the matter?

I know what's been going on behind my back, but Miss Piggy is my girl. You're

just a guest on this show, just passing through town.

She loves me, and she's going to have dinner with me tonight after the show,

Miss Piggy, you and me alone.

Oh, Avery, Avery. It's like I said it was, isn't it? Yes, yes.

Avery loves me. Oh, thank you so much. How about a smack right on these porker

lips, hmm?

Kissy, kissy.

Well, I, I, I... Now, don't, don't, don't take it personally now. I can't

you, you see.

I mean no offense, but my, my family never even... touched a pig, much less

their lips to one.

Well, put your lips to this!

Hi -ya!

And now, the finest singing team since Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy.

They are awe -inspiring. In fact, when I hear them sing, I go, aww.

Here they are, Huayne and Huanda. Get it right.

enchanted evening you may meet a stranger

you may meet a stranger

he said meet

not eat sorry

From Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic

who's gone to the dogs.

Nope, I can't. I just cannot perform this operation.

But why not, Dr. Bob?

Well, frankly, I'm chicken.

No, that is a chicken.

You're right.

Besides, this should be right up your alley. That's true. I am a bird dog.

Every year I fly south for the winter.

Don't your arms get tired?

Well, now will be a moment of silence.

Why? Well, that joke that just died in the operating room.

What do you think, Doctor? What about your patient?

Well, we have a choice. We can do a chicken appendectomy, a chicken

tonsillectomy, or a chicken curry fricassee.

We've got to do something about this turkey.

It's a chicken.

I'm a chicken. The sketch is a turkey.

So Dr.

Bob has run afoul of afoul.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, Many of Dr.

Bob's patients are chickens.

Why is that?

even the best of you.

Newt Rockne, 1932.

Oh, Comet, my love, my life, I am sorry if Avery made you jealous.

Fozzie Bear, stand by.

Fozzie Bear, stand by.

You are jealous, aren't you?

Fozzie, stand by.

Uh, no, I'm not.

But why?

Fozzie, stand by.

Well, Scooter told me it was all a trick.

Nice pun.

Who needs you?

Flipper face?

Okay, once again, it's time for the king of the one -liners, the sharp retort,

and the funny ears, Mr.

Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm a bear, I'm not a bunny, so here's some stuff that's

funny. Hey, hey, hey, I'm not a dupe. And I'm no dummy. So how come you...

Come on, you guys. I come out here just to give you a good time.

If you want to give us a good time... Go back in.

Hey, listen.

Why don't you guys leave Fozzie alone?

Yeah. Thanks, Avery. Thanks a lot. I know what it's like to be out here every

night getting heckled. Yeah, yeah. By the audience, huh?

No, by my partner.

Now, I love him like a brother, but he was always concerned that the act be

dignified. You know what I mean? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh?

Dignified. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I asked him to do the banana in the ear stick.

Yeah? Yeah, and he wouldn't do it. Oh, come on. That's funny stick. That's a

funny bit.

That's right. Yeah. He said it would look dumb. Oh, that.

Oh, the banana's funny.

Would you do it? Of course I'd do it.

Try it. Oh, terrific.

A banana.

Here we go.

He's right. It does look kind of dumb.

Avery! I was just kidding. I wouldn't be out here with a banana in the air.

I'll show you what a good sport I am.

I'll put the banana in my ear. Nobody laughed.

Why is it that when I did it, you didn't laugh, but when Avery does it, you go

crazy? Oh, it's his pace. His timing. His delivery.

I told you it would work.

There's a Muppet News flash.

There is no news tonight.

I didn't get you upset.

Boy, Miss Piggy has a bad temper, doesn't she, huh? Oh, listen, don't

can handle Miss Piggy. You know, she's just putty in my hands. I say jump, she

says how high.

I crack the whip, she jumps through the hoop. You open your mouth, my fist goes

south. I love to see a man in control, Kermit. We'll see you all next time on

The Muppet Show.

Well, you gotta give them credit.

Why's that?

Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.