Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

The Muppet fans are sometimes really crazy people. It's amazing.

Every crazy little walk -on character, they know the name. So, if you want a

facts that'll impress your friends, tell them about these characters.

Here's Wayne and Wanda. These two are an accident -prone singing duo who were in

the pilot but only actually lasted through the first season.

Or how about Betsy Bird?

She was a beautiful, eccentric dancing bird who appeared in several shows, but

she never really quite took on.

Or here's Fleet Scribbler, who's an abrasive tabloid reporter that the press

loved, but the show's writers couldn't stand.

Muppets, banned press, reporter thrown out by fraud.

He was soon written out of the show.

Just keep watching and you might see Fleet and a few other unsung Muppet

on The Muppet Show.

Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Vincent Price.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why us?

It's time to get things started. I'm the most sensational, inspirational,

celebrational, momentational. This is what we call the Muppet Show.

very unusual edition of the Muppet Show.

Yes, things are going to be a little bit strange tonight.

As you probably can already tell.

Be prepared for the strange, the weird, and the scary.

Because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr.

Vincent Price.

So tonight, there will be no craziness, no slapstick, and no silliness.

Or at least not much of it.

Let the scariness begin.

I've got you.

You've got me.

Under my skin.

Under your skin.

I've got you.

You've got me?

Deep in the heart of me.

That's very true.

So deep in my heart.

Oh. You're really a part of me.

I don't want to be a part of you.

I've got you.

Under my skin.

I've tried so not to give in.

Get back down there.

I said to myself, this affair never will go so well.

But why should you try to resist when, darling, I know

so well I've got you under

my skin.

Just give me a chance here.

You'd sacrifice anything from what might for the sake of having me near in spite

of a warning voice that comes in the night and repeats and repeats in your

Don't you know, little fool?

You never can win.

Use your mentality.

Wake up to reality.

But each time I do, just the thought of you makes me... Stop. Before you begin.

Because I've got you... You've got me.

Under my skin.

Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will

be.

That number here depends on me. Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them

on again?

Okay, stand by for the House of Horror sketch.

Now, calm down back there.

Hey, boss.

There's someone here wanting to audition.

Okay, who is he?

Well, it's not exactly a he.

Okay, who is she?

Well, it's not exactly a she.

Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities. Would you please explain

to yourself?

Well, it's sort of a they.

You mean there's more than one? Not really.

This gopher is about to become a gun for... Scooter, what are you talking

That.

Hi, Mr. Frog.

Can we be on your show?

It's a triple header.

I'm going back to the dressing room. I'm going to the makeup room.

I'll wait here.

Of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to do the next introduction.

We take you now to Transylvania, to a high and

brooding hill.

We take you now to the House of Horror.

Uganda, I don't think very much of the summer cottage you rented for us.

I don't understand it. The ad looks so good in the paper.

What paper was that?

The Vampire Weekly.

The Vampire Weekly?

It does look kind of big for just the two of us.

The three of us.

Four of us.

Well, at least we won't be lonely.

Someone's at the door. Someone's at the door.

I bet it's not the welcome wagon.

Yep, it's not the welcome wagon.

Excuse me, but do you

have a room for the night?

You see, the road has washed out, and my horse had a flat tire.

Maybe I... I must tell you, I am not alone.

I am traveling with my beautiful assistant and a hideously deformed

Oh, hideously deformed is right.

Watch it. I'm the beautiful assistant.

Master, I've left Alto in the coach.

Alto?

Good, good.

And now I must ask, can you tell me what time it is?

Oh, golly, my hourglass seems to have stopped.

Oh, this is terrible, terrible. We're in trouble.

Why's that?

Because every night at the stroke of midnight, The master turns into a

screaming, maniacal, demonic, raging, bloodlusting animal.

And then I get me.

We do.

Quickly, quickly, prepare a dungeon.

Chains, manacles, bind me.

No, it's too late. It's midnight.

Uh -oh.

No, something's different.

Oh, quick, what night is it?

New Year's Eve. Oh, no, this is too cruel, too inhuman. What, what, what is

what? Tell, tell, what, what?

On New Year's Eve, the master turns into Jack Parnell.

The most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGurk.

Thudge McGurk. I'll never forget him. His last film was Phantom of the Soap

Opera.

Yeah, after that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theaters around the

world. Three eyes, green hair, long arms, big, long, ugly fangs.

Horrible man, horrible.

bring some popcorn.

With butter.

Excuse me, Frog, aren't you all mine?

Well, the triple -header is still waiting to audition.

Ah, well, you know, with Vincent Price on the show, maybe a three -headed

monster might be appropriate.

Tell me, what do you guys do? We sing. No, we dance. No, we tell jokes.

You work on television much?

Work on television much? Always.

Sometimes. Never.

I think you fellows have some problems. Which one of you is the leader?

He is. He is. She is.

In fact, they got lots of problems.

If you're like I am, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at

the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.

Here, to counter all that, the very natural, the very normal, Wayne and

But, you know, we have to get started now.

Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program.

And tonight our special guest is Mr. Vincent Price.

It's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit.

In addition to his other talents, Mr. Price is also a great cook.

So tonight's topic for discussion is gourmet dining.

Vincent has assembled the rest of the panel, so I'll just let you do the

introduction, sir. All right, Kermit. Thank you.

Well, I have asked two of my culinary friends to join us tonight.

On your immediate right is Pierre Lacousse, one of the world's great

A pleasure.

And next to him is Gorgon Heap, one of the world's great eaters.

Yeah, I see.

Well, starting off now, Vincent, what would you say is the world's most

delicious dish?

Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is so varied and wonderful, that is the

most difficult question. But if I must choose my favorite dish, I would have to

say it is probably escalope de veau a la estragon.

Oh, it is delicious.

Vincent, I dislike it for all France to disagree, but for sheer magnificence,

nothing can compare to gigot or épaule de presserlet farci. Oh, that is

delicious.

Here,

that is a fine dish.

provided that it is made in exactly the same way that it was prepared by the

great chef Escoffier.

Yes,

listen, Pierre, there's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.

But it's a little late now.

Uh, Vincent, who is this guy anyhow? You look delicious.

Wait a second. Get away from me, you hulking creep. Vincent, can you stop

please? Froggy, you have to admit you do look tasty.

I'll tune in next week when our topic for discussion will be... I'm a bit of a

devil, but I do love frog slayers.

to the Consumer Protection Agency.

Why? The host was just consumed.

All right, don't count on it.

Hey, this is our box, fella. Let me see your ticket stub.

I'm going into the moving business.

Really? Locally?

No, ghost to ghost.

I'm simply starving.

Can't we stop for a bite?

Delighted, my dear.

That man is absolutely batty.

Why do you say that?

Why don't we stop and have a drink?

We can't. Why not?

They don't serve spirits here.

You know, my mother said if I worked hard, I could get ahead.

Oh, well, here it is.

I'm looking through you.

Where did you go?

I thought I knew you. What did I know?

You don't look different, but you have changed.

I'm looking through you. You're not to blame.

Your lips are moving.

I cannot hear.

Your voice is soothing But the words aren't clear You don't sound

different I've learned the game I'm looking through you

You're not the same

Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.

You're thinking of me the same old way.

Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for coming on the show tonight, and so do

the Muppet monsters. Well, thank you, Kermit.

I never met a monster I didn't like.

I can believe it. Hey, you know, can I ask you a question?

Yes, of course.

Well, you know, in all the scary movies you've done through the years, well,

you're always turning into a vampire.

Well, how do you do that?

That is so scary.

Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the immodesty, that is perhaps the epitome

the actor's craft.

You see, it takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and

training, and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?

Why, sure.

Oh, well, some people learn faster than others.

I thought your wife was coming tonight.

Well, the old bat couldn't come.

Well,

the rest of them sure made it.

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.

What, what, what?

When do we go on?

Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is no place for you in the show tonight.

But what about our big song?

All right, what big song?

What else?

Tea for three.

Out, out, out!

Who writes this stuff, anyway?

Who else?

The ghost writer.

There is a Muppet News flash.

Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today reporting that furniture all over

town has been turning into monsters.

Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at

east edge of town.

A dining room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.

When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goals assured Muppet News Central

the rumor was false.

According to Goals, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a

monster.

throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible.

Of course, California's inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.

Still, these problems will not be forgotten.

The mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists would call a dread fear of

the rising prices of home furnishings.

The phenomenon does seem to relate to the cost of living in Greece during the

past month.

to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a

monster. And that's all tonight from Muppet News.

Good night.

Well, the last item about furniture is ridiculous.

This is ridiculous. I can't find Hilda

anywhere.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to carry this stuff up myself.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Price. Yes?

Can I give you a hand?

Oh, please.

Here.

That's my kind of joke.

Hey, guys, I hear you're not going to make it on the show tonight.

No, Comet didn't like our song.

But it doesn't matter. We got a new act.

Oh, yeah? Oh, tell me. Tell me what's new act.

Well, you see, I'm the straight man. And I'm the comic. And I'm the audience.

Yeah, that way, no matter how bad we are... We'll always love us.

Say, who was that lady I saw you with last night? That was no lady. That was a

pawn shop sign.

You're a hit. You're a hit. You guys are superstars. They love us. Come on,

fuzzy.

I never thought I'd be jealous of a guy with three heads.

My youngest boy is very interested in medicine.

Ah, he's a doctor?

No, a hospital.

Once again, dear friends, the very eerie...

Mr. Vincent Price.

When you're down and troubled and you

need some love and care and nothing.

Nothing is going right.

Close your eyes and think of me and soon I

will be there to brighten up even your

darkest night.

You just call out his name.

And you know, wherever you are, he'll come running to

see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is

call, and I'll be there. Yes, he will, you've got a friend.

that you've got a friend when people can be so cold.

They'll hurt you, yes, and divert you, and take your soul if you

let them, but don't you let them.

You just call out his name, and you know

wherever you are, he'll come running.

To see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, all.

All you have to do is fall.

And I'll be there. Yes, I will.

You've got a friend.

You've got a friend.

You've got a friend.

All I think about brings these three proceedings to an end. Let's have a

thanks to our guest star, Mr. Vincent Price.

Hey, Vincent, you were really super tonight.

Hey, let's give him another hand.

Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one.

Thanks for having me on the show.

Well, that's easy for you to say.