Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen. Woo!

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to breath upright.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

I wouldn't say that the great Gonzo is dumb, but when he graduated from school,

he didn't get a diploma, he got a pension.

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Ben Vereen.

But now let's get things started on the Muppet Show.

Hi -oh, hi -oh, and welcome

again to the Muppet Show.

Hey, our special guest tonight is a young man who soared to stardom on

in Pippin, had his own television series, and is one of the really multi

-talented performers in show business.

Mr. Ben Vereen. He really moves, and speaking of that, let's get things

right now on The Muppet Show!

But not too long ago in 1944 When every mother's son was going off to war They

had to lift their spirits high For Uncle Sam, motherhood, and apple pie Instead

of sending money that they didn't have In hot spots in the Bronx They went to

hear that kind of jazz.

You're hearing funky honky -tonks. It makes you want to jump, shout, shout,

knock yourself out.

Boogie -woogie beat is what I'm talking about.

You have the heebie -jeebies, you can dance away.

To the boogie -woogie music, the piano man will play and you can jump, shout,

shout, knock yourself out.

Boogie -woogie beat is what I'm talking about.

You can pull a switcheroonie if you felt yourself down. With the boogie -woogie

beat of a piano man, I'm going to town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Berean!

He really makes you want to jump, jump, shout.

You want to jump, jump, shout. You want to attack it to me now. You want to

jump, jump, shout. Float away, float away.

The boogie -woogie music, the piano man was playing. You want to jump, tap,

shout, tap, knock yourself out. A boogie -woogie beat is what I'm talking about.

You can pull a switcheroonie if you felt yourself down. With a boogie -woogie

beat and a piano man, I'm going to town.

Yeah!

I'm beginning to like this show.

Really? Yep, it's really starting to grab me.

Something's starting to grab you.

I don't care. Next time, use a deodorant.

Nice. Nice number.

I wear the pants in this act.

That was great. Really heft to the jive. Hey, Kermit. Kermit, what is this?

Oh, that belongs to Marvel the Magician. It's for next week's show. Oh, that's

very interesting.

Yeah, but Fozzie, don't go in there.

Oh, come on, Kermit. I'm a big bear. I won't hurt anything.

Yeah, but Fozzie, don't slam that door.

I didn't slam it.

I closed it very quietly.

Yeah, and you're never going to open it again.

What do you mean?

Well, I tried to tell you it's a trick door. Only Marvel the Magician can open

it. But, Kermit, I have an act to do. Go get Marvel.

I can't. He's in Toledo.

And I'm in big trouble.

Okay, right now I'd like to introduce Ben Vereen, a blockbuster of a talent.

Did somebody say blockbuster?

Hit the dirt.

Well, there's nothing like starting off with an explosive opening.

Hey, listen, you want to have George the janitor clean up that mess?

Now, as I was saying, we have a real dynamite guest tonight.

Did somebody say dynamite?

I'm beginning to get a slight headache.

Okay, will somebody throw a net over Crazy Harry so we can get the show

Well, right now I'd like to introduce our guest star. And you better not

interfere with his act, Crazy Harry, because he has a short fuse.

Did someone send for a short fuse?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Vereen.

up in a crowd and raised his voice way out loud, waved his

arms, and shook his leg, you'd notice him.

If someone in a movie show yelled, fire in the second

row, this whole place is a powder keg, you'd

notice him.

A human being is made of more than air.

With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there.

Unless that person is, should be...

Invisible.

Inconsequential. Me.

Cellophane. Mr.

Cellophane. Should have been my name, Mr.

Cellophane. You can look right through me, walk right by me,

and never know I'm there.

Name, Mr.

Cellophane.

You never know I'm there, I tell you.

Cellophane, Mr.

Cellophane. Cellophane, my name, Mr.

Cellophane. You can walk right by me, look right through me.

I didn't take up too much of your time.

I think the guests that come on this show should get combat pay.

What about us?

Well, we're volunteers.

Maybe you are. I was drafted into this chicken outfit.

It's no use, Fozzie.

I don't think we'll ever get this thing open before the end of the show.

Oh, I feel awful.

Well, that's the way it goes.

Well, I feel so sorry for everyone.

How do you mean?

Well, they'll all be so disappointed when you tell them that today's show is

canceled.

Canceled? Yeah, well, obviously you cannot do the show without me.

Fozzie, how shall I break this to him? What?

Fozzie, there is one alternative to canceling the show.

Oh, there is, yeah?

Well, we can replace you.

You take these things kind of hard.

Here's a Muppet news bulletin.

Dateline, New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin Cosgrove climbed a 30 -foot pole and

scrambled onto a 6 -by -6 -foot platform.

His goal?

To break the world's record in flagpole sitting.

That was 16 years ago, and yesterday his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was

doing, especially since he was 84 years old when he started.

We already climbed the pole this morning and found that he had indeed passed

away.

As a fitting tribute to her brave husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that

next 10 days, she will fly him at half -mast.

I, uh, picked up a hitchhiker the other day.

Oh, really?

Yes, well, it's only right. I was the one who knocked him down.

Tell me, do you like bathing beauties?

I don't know. I've never bathed one.

You know, last week my cousin was seen on television by 30 million people.

Oh, what is he, a rock star?

No, a football.

You know, I really got my eye on

Kidding, they're my favorite singing group.

No, these are the other Rolling Stones.

Thank you

You know, it's really great to have you on the show.

Ben, you're just a bungle of energy.

Yeah, well, as a dancer, I try to keep in shape.

Oh, you're telling me.

I've seen you dancing on Broadway and television and movies.

You must work out a lot, huh?

Well, yes.

Because you see, Kermit, as a dancer, your body is one of the most important

things you have.

Did you ever... Not to think, where would you be without your, um, your

Uh, no, no, I never asked myself that, but it's a darn good question.

You see, as a dancer, I've got to be able to go to a leap with great

power. Did somebody say explosive power?

No!

Nice leap.

Well, time for a tea break.

All right.

Literal chap, isn't he?

Kermit? Kermit?

Kermit? Oh, Kermit. Hey, you can't do the show without me.

Well, Fozzie, what choice have I got?

But a Muppet show without Fozzie Bear? It's like Gilbert without Sullivan.

Ham without cheese.

Poker without hunters.

Poker without hunters? Yeah.

What's a poker?

I know, I know. That's a poker. Will you guys get out of here?

See? Even in a box, I'm funny. You need me. The show needs me, Kermit.

Who cares about a frog?

I'm stuck.

Now, Veterinarians Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic

who's gone to the dogs.

Hudson Ralston on the railroad with the brawler brawler suet.

Mr. Paul, you can't sing at a time like this. I'm not singing at a time like

this. I'm singing Hudson Ralston.

An oldie but goodie.

How'd I ever get myself into this sketch?

Take it easy, George.

Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking.

Well, I wonder what he is sinking about.

Come on, laugh it up, nurse. These are the jokes.

The only joke around here is you, Dr. Bob. This patient needs your assistance.

Well, you're my assistance, but what he's going to do with the two of you,

never know.

Look,

either give me some help or let me out of here.

Well, what seems to be your trouble?

I keep breaking out in a cold... Sweat.

Oh, well, I see. You have a clear case of pen transit phobia.

Huh? That's a dread fear of traveling through the state of Pennsylvania.

Joke, Dr. Bob.

You've dedicated yourself to saving lives.

You're right. I saved six lives this week.

By operating?

No, by not operating.

Dr.

Bob, you've given this hospital a bad name.

You're right.

Fred is a terrible name for a hospital.

I'll have to give it a better name. How about Eunice?

This is impossible.

Do you have a license?

Of course. Every dog has a license.

The leash walls are really rough.

You dummy.

I mean, do you have a license to practice?

Yes, and I'm going to practice on you right now.

Bongos. Bongos, Dr. Bob.

Bongos?

Dr. Bob is about to begin his bongo practice.

Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say, Dr.

Bob, it's too late. You've lost him. Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was

under the sheet just a second ago.

My uncle's into poetry. He loves Edgar Guest. Why?

Why else? He's a guest house.

Ben, how are you enjoying the show?

Uh,

Hilda, I'm getting such a big charge out of it.

You say you want a big charge?

No!

getting a little tired of this.

Once again, it is my great pleasure to introduce Wayne and Wanda and their

stirring version of I'll Know.

I'll know when my love comes along.

Ay -yi -yi -yi.

Wait!

At least, Fozzie, you will be glad to know that the show

is dying without you. Oh, really?

Would I lie?

Dear Scooter, they love me. Me, the great Gonzo. Boy, that's the greatest

we've ever done.

Little dork of the show.

Six hours.

See you, babushka.

Hilda! Hilda!

Fozzie? Hilda? Fozzie, is that you?

Who's that?

That's Kermit, the frog.

Kermit! Hey, listen, I've decided not to cut you from the show.

Oh, thank you, Kermit.

Okay, get him on stage.

Well, folks, here comes the act you've all been waiting for, the Muppet Show's

own great comedian.

Here he is now, feeling a little, uh, cagey tonight.

But nevertheless, still the old master of birth, Mr.

Fozzie Bear!

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, it's really great to be here.

I spent the whole day at the doctor. I said, Doc, it hurts when I do this. He

said, Don't do that.

Are you laughing?

It's hard to hear.

Then the doctor said, have you ever had this before? I said, yes. He says, well,

you got it again.

Thank you. Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.

folks, once again, Mr. Ben Vereen.

Oh, boy.

This place is so dull.

I hate it here.

It's so dull.

Hi,

Drew.

Oh, hi, Ben. Hey, look. I can take you out of this place.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm not allowed to cross the street. Oh, no, no. That's not what

I mean.

Listen.

Come with me and you'll be in a world

of pure imagination.

Take a look and you'll see into your

imagination.

We'll begin with a spin traveling in a world

of my creation.

What we'll see will defy explanation.

If you want to view paradise, simply look around

and view it.

Anything you want, do it.

You want to change the world? There's nothing to it.

There is no...

Life I know.

To compare to pure imagination.

Living there you'll be free. If you truly

wish to be.

If you want to view paradise,

simply look around and view it.

Anything you want to do it.

Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.

There is no life I know to compare with your imagination.

Living there, you'll be free if you truly...

Wish to be.

Come with me.

Gee, you sure have some imagination, Ben.

Okay, well, that about puts a lid on it for this week. We'd like to thank our

special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen!

Hey, Kevin, you know, I'll... Thank you. I've done a lot of shows in my time,

but this has been one of the craziest.

Hey, Kermit! Kermit! Ben! Ben! Hey, I'm out! I'm out! Fuzzy, how'd you get out

of the cage?

I'm crazy. Harry blew it up. It hurt a little bit, but, you know, I'm okay.

Well, Fuzzy, I just thought the show was just dynamite. Yeah.

Did dynamite take dynamite? No!

Fantastic show. Brilliant show.

By the way, your pants are on fire.