Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest, our Mr. Charles Aznavour.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

I don't approve of belly dancers. Why can't they dance on the floor like

everyone else?

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Charles Aznavour.

Let's get things started. I'm the most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrational, my professional.

This is what we call the Muppet Show.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Fozzie, what are you doing?

I'm checking the house.

Will you get out of here? Sorry.

Bonsoir, bonsoir, mesdames and messieurs, ladies and gentlemen.

You'll notice a little French sneaking into my speech, and that's because our

special guest tonight is none other than that international star, Mr. Charles

Aznavour. But right now, let's raise the curtain, strike up the band, and get

things moving on to Muppet Show!

I feel pretty.

Oh, so pretty.

I feel pretty and witty and bright.

And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming.

Oh, so charming.

It's alarming how charming I feel.

And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there. What mirror? Where?

Who can that attractive girl be?

Which one? Where? Home. Such a pretty face. Such a pretty face. Such a pretty

smile. Such a pretty me. Such a pretty me. Such a pretty me.

I feel stunning and entrancing.

Feel like running and dancing for joy.

Are you busy?

Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.

What would I do with your ear?

Van Gogh impressions.

Gonzo, do you have to take everything so literally?

That's just an expression.

What I wanted to know was...

You know, I've noticed that I haven't been on stage for the last couple of

shows. Good observation.

Yeah, well, Kermit, I have a lot of fans out there who are waiting to see my

latest theatrical creation.

Gonzo, I have seen you eat a rubber tire to music, and I've seen you play a

concert on your head with a mallet. Yeah. And, Gonzo, my dear friend, it

work.

What?

Kermit, I don't... You've got to understand, I don't play for the masses.

I'm an artist. You understand that? An artist.

Yeah, well, then you should have gotten my Van Gogh joke.

Listen, Gonzo, why don't you get yourself a manager? You know, somebody

could guide your career.

All right, okay, I will.

All right, I'll do that, and then you'll see. You'll all see, because there's

only one great Gonzo. Only one.

Thank goodness for that.

And Yoko Rube.

Ladies and gentlemen, right now it's a real treat to present a star who has

written and sung so many beautiful songs.

And right now he's going to sing one of my all -time favorites. Ladies and

gentlemen, Mr. Charles Aznavour.

In the old -fashioned way, won't you stay in my arms?

Just melt against my skin and let me feel your heart.

Don't let the music win by dancing far apart.

Come close.

Where you belong Let's hear

our secret song

Dance in the old

-fashioned way Won't you stay in my arms

And we'll discover highs

We never knew before.

If we just close our eyes.

And dance around the floor.

That gay.

Old fashioned way.

That makes me love.

Come closer.

Uh -huh.

Forget about the others.

It's nice to be like this chick -to -chick in the old -fashioned way, you

You know?

You know, I have the feeling that we're dancing as our parents.

Well, maybe they weren't wrong.

You see?

Time passes.

But love, yes, love stays.

That gay, old -fashioned way

that makes me love you,

love you, that makes me love you.

French singers.

I love French fries.

French fries? I don't get that.

You didn't order any.

Hey, Kermit.

The great Gonzo wants me to manage him.

Yeah, Scooter understands the soul of a true artist.

Yeah, but Scooter, I hired you as a gopher. Gopher coffee, gopher

remember? Yeah, well, I can still do that. But Gonzo needs personal

Oh, I do, Kermit. I truly do.

Yeah, I'm going to change his whole repertoire.

I'm going to have him do a rock act.

A rock act? But Gonzo can't sing.

No, no, I mean a rock act. Show him, Gonzo. Now, watch.

Okay, hit it, kid. Okay.

Art!

Art!

Art! Out, out, out!

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the

This is D for dog, B for Bob saying turn off the joy juice.

Hmm? Yeah, 10 roger. Okay, now, where were we? Uh, pulse.

Oh, no, no pulse, Dr. Bob.

Heartbeat?

No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.

No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone.

Oh, four hours operating and he went just like that.

Yes, doesn't the time go fast when you're having fun?

You're too bad, Dr. Bob.

Your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.

My record is still good. This week he was number ten.

So Dr.

Bob's record is still good. It's now ten on the medical hit parade.

With a bullet.

Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Oh, I hope no one hears

about this, Dr. Bob.

Well, at least he won't say anything.

Hilda, you can't imagine how hungry I get before a performance.

So thank you for having the supper sent in for me. Oh, it is my pleasure.

Is everything that you ordered? There is roast chicken and salad.

and French bread.

Well, Hilda, is it not a French bread?

Oh, voyons, chérie, mais j 'ai l 'air sans français.

Of course I could be wrong.

George,

George!

Do you read very much? Oh, all the time.

Oh, uh, do you like Kipling?

Oh, well, I don't know. I never Kipple.

I don't know why, but I just love you.

Well, you know how to use the best bananas.

We have a peel.

Get it? A peel.

What is it you do for a living?

Oh, um, I'm a garbage man.

Bananas do best. What's that?

Split.

Do you know what it's like dancing with you?

Know what?

Whatever shall I do?

Hallelujah. The question is peculiar.

I'd give a lot of dough if I could only know the answer to my question. Is it

yes or is it no?

Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

If your mother says don't chew it, do you swallow it in spite?

Can you catch it on your tussle?

Can you hear it left and right? Cause it's gonna lose its flavor on the

overnight.

Aha!

Yee -haw! The nation rises one to send their honored son to the White

House, the nation's only White House, to voice their discontent unto the

presidents upon the burning question that has swept this continent.

The question is, how do you drive a baby buggy? I don't know. How do you drive a

baby buggy? You tickle its feet.

I love you and I want to hold you tight. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,

Friday, Saturday night. When the band falls over.

A dollar is a dollar and a dime is a dime. He'd sing another chorus when he

hadn't got the time. On the band.

Why, thank you, Kermit. It's my pleasure. Hey, listen.

Can I ask you a question?

Of course.

Well, how come Frenchmen are so lucky in love?

Well, we have a great advantage, you know. The language.

Language?

Yes. You know that French is the language of love. So, if you want to be

ladies' man, learn French.

Well, that wouldn't help me. See, none of the girls I know speak French. Well,

it doesn't matter. You know, in fact, sometimes it helps.

I don't follow.

I will show you.

Peggy, Mademoiselle Peggy, would you come here, please?

She doesn't speak French, I suppose.

No, she doesn't speak a word of French. Good.

Yes, Charles.

Vous savez, votre carter a une fuite et votre transmission s 'écoule.

Oh, Charles.

Oh, oui.

Hey, listen, you really got to her.

What did you say?

Well, I said your oil filter has a leak and your transmission is stuck.

That's incredible.

One more demonstration?

Yes. Well, you know what I'm going to say? I'm going to whisper in her ear the

telephone number of Paris Garbage Dome, you know?

Paris Garbage Dome.

Oh, I knew that would happen. Oh, Charles, listen, on behalf of all the

I want to say how sorry we are about this.

Sorry? I just met the girl of my dreams.

Piggy.

Oh,

Piggy. Well, one man's poison is another man's bacon.

French tongue.

I love pig's tongue.

Pig's tongue? I don't get it. I know. You didn't order it.

Kermit?

Kermit, that nephew of the theater owner.

Scooter, what about him? He is going to drive me to bananas.

He has gone all through the wardrobe.

He wants the great Gonzo to do a costume act.

Hubba hubba what?

Hey, Chief, what do you think?

You think the high heels are too much?

Are you guys nuts?

Well, Scooter says that female impersonation is a noble art.

Of all the dumb acts Gonzo's ever come up with, this is the dumbest. Gee, my

uncle loves it.

You're going right after the dancers.

What do I do when I get out there?

Duck.

Okay, friends, friends, time again to raise the intellectual

level of our program. And our panel tonight consists of Sam, the American

Peace and courage.

And Gonzo the Great. Art and culture.

Our own wardrobe lady, Hilda.

Mildred Hochstetter, M -A -P -H -D -O -B -E and R -S -V -P.

Uh, whatever.

Tonight's topic, what is man's role in the universe?

To be decent and to work hard. Next question.

Oh, not at first, Sam.

This is an important question.

It has been asked since the beginning of... Yes, yes. Oh, man's role in the

universe. That's a toffee.

Oh, Gonzo, this discussion is above your head. Maybe you just better keep it

down. Jack!

What's he up to? She didn't mean keep your head down. You take things too

literally. Yeah, yeah, please. Now, we don't have much time, so let's get

hopping.

I have a feeling that we have perhaps misunderstood the question.

Will you stop that hopping?

Who are these weird people?

Just don't pay any attention, Sam.

All right.

I suggest that we look carefully at what's before us and break it down into

separate pieces.

Jack.

Oh, heavens to the Betsy. He means

the question. Yes, but we should be looking for the answer.

I'll look under the table.

What is this man doing?

Oh, leave him there. It's best, believe me. Well, as to man's role in the

universe, I don't think he can.

Can what?

I don't think he can roll in the universe. I mean, he's not round enough

roll.

This can't be happening.

Well, of course he could enroll. Yes, yes, yes. But you can't enroll in the

universe. No, but you can enroll in the university.

Yes. A little hilda.

Very little. Yeah, hey, but listen.

Aren't we ever going to find any answers? Yes, yes.

Well, there aren't any under the table, that's for sure.

We'll knock it off. Knock it off.

week when our distinguished panel will discuss the burning question, what are

doing here?

Please and gentlemen, when

I say the words great comedy, it can only mean one thing, so let's really

it for...

We're all in a great mood tonight.

Well, why ruin it with your act?

Ho, ho, ho.

I could bury you guys with one line.

Okay, what's the line?

You just wait.

Is that the line?

Of course it's not the line.

Look, look. I'm going to tell a joke. And if they heckle me... If you heckle

me... Look out, because I'm ready. Just look out. That's all I can say. Just

look out. Look out. That's all I can say. Yep, that's all he can say, all

I learned to handle hecklers by working in a nightclub. So tough. The hat check

girl was a gorilla.

There were more people in the band than in the audience, and we had a one -man

band.

I remember when... Hey, hey, how come you guys aren't heckling me?

We love it. That's funny stuff. Funny?

Yeah, topical, hip. Oh, oh, well, well, well. At this night, Thub, a party of 75

came in. A lonely old lady, but she didn't drink much.

And I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad.

But when we asked where we could take a bath... The manager ran us through the

car wash next door.

Hey,

you guys, will you please, please, we work alone.

That was my line, my heckler line. See how Barry... Me?

Maybe we ought to go on the stage.

Yes, there's one leaving in five minutes. Be under it.

Oh, heckle me, you old fool. Heckle him.

Is that a toupee you're wearing or did your cat die?

Hey,

Scooter?

Scooter? Scooter?

Yeah, boss?

Scooter, would you get everybody on stage for the closing number? Right,

Oh, by the way, I decided not to manage the great Gonzo. Oh, yeah? How come?

Well, you see, I gave him the standard 50 -page managerial contract.

And? He ate it.

Well, let's hope the contract's not binding.

Yeah. Closing number, guys!

Four and two are four.

Four and four are eight.

Eight and eight are sixteen.

Sixteen and sixteen are thirty -two.

Two and two are four.

Four and two are eight.

You probably go far Each well,

each well Measuring the marigolds

Seems to me you'd stop and see How beautiful

they are Come, come, come here Breathe

each one each one

measuring the marigolds you and your

arithmetic you probably go far

Each worm,

each worm May dream their merry gold

Seems to me it's stop and see how

our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour.

Thank you, Chairman.

It's been a wonderful evening for me. The first chance I ever had to make

friends with a loaf of bread.

Oh, Charles, vous êtes le plus grand.

Hey, thank you all. Join us next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, I really like this show tonight.

At these prices, who's going to complain?