Original subtitles

the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Ustinov, huh?

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

The little problems in life drive me crazy.

Like, what do you send to a sick florist?

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Mr. Peter Ustinov!

Now let's get started.

Thank

you,

thank you, and hello dear friends and welcome to this. potpourri of mirth and

madness we call The Muppet Show.

Hey, we're especially excited around here tonight because our guest star is

Peter Ustinov.

He is a man for all seasons, an actor, a director, a writer, plus being a great

raconteur.

That's French for tennis player, I think.

Anyway, we're also fortunate in having with us an offshoot of the world -famous

Boston Pops Orchestra, just the wind section.

But I think it's going to be a thrill for us all, so let's open the show with

evening at the Pops.

They say music hath charm to soothe a savage beast.

Such is not the case here, however.

Get him.

Get him.

Okay,

okay. Good bit. Good bit. Good ending. Sorry about the head.

Oh, Kermit. Oh, my heart. It's going pitter -patter, pitter -patter.

Yeah, well, maybe you've had too much coffee.

It's going pitter -patter over the man I've admired and loved for years, and

to be this close to him.

Piggy, I've told you, I don't have any time in my life for any emotional

involvement right now.

No, I'm talking about Peter Houston.

Oh, well.

He is a renaissance man.

Oh, well, I am a leg man.

It's time now to introduce your new heartthrob.

Josie, thy name is Frog.

Okay, right now, friends, I'd like you to meet our guest star, the one and only

Mr. Peter Ustinov.

Well, you know, it's a pleasure for me to be with you tonight.

It's my first experience in performing with the...

performers other than people, if you follow me.

Oh, yeah, well, it takes some getting used to, I guess, but we've worked with

humans before, so just relax, take it easy, and don't sit on any of your

performers. Well, I'll try not to, but I was going to sit down on my dressing

room chair, you know, and it walked away.

Oh, well, that was a Muppet. See, that chair is married to the show's writer.

Who's the writer?

The hat rat.

This show was written by a hat rat?

Oh, yeah.

It's extraordinary.

Well, you see, anything can be a Muppet. In fact, in this next sketch, you are

going to be a Muppet. I'm going to be a Muppet? Mm -hmm.

Trust me. Just stand by for a big showbiz -style introduction, okay?

Oh, it's delightful.

A hat rack.

Mm -hmm.

Incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the wonders of modern

science as envisioned by the incredible Mr. Peter Ustinov. We take you now to

Muppet Labs.

Hello, I'm Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew. And here at Muppet Labs, we think we have finally made a

scientific breakthrough in the field of international statesmanship.

So it is with incalculable pride that I give you the new robot politician.

Yes, this electronic politician will end corruption in government forever. And

furthermore, it is absolutely international.

For instance, the robot politician would make an excellent British Prime

Minister. Watch.

Although the skies are dark and the road ahead is

steep, yet with perseverance we can, nay, we

shall prevail.

Thank you. And on the other hand, with equal ease, he could be an American

president.

And I tell you, my friends, this is the greatest country in the world.

Stand ready to forge ahead.

Bring peace to the world.

Affluence to all nations.

Enough of that. How about a Russian premier?

The Russian people...

will not rub this salt agreement into the wounds.

All

the

people of the Republic of China object to the well -endowed tone of this small

stone. The Middle East bloc must stand firm in the belief...

Well, back to the drawing board.

Hey,

masterful performance.

reminiscent of the late Rudolph Besser.

Rudolph Besser is dead?

No, he's late. He was supposed to be here.

Statler, you always get me with that same dumb joke.

Well, maybe it's not the joke that's dumb. Did you catch my drift?

Oh,

where is he? Where is that tower of talent?

Oh, Fozzie, you looking for me?

No, I'm looking for Peter Ustinov.

Oh, well, after that last sketch, he ended up in the dressing room where he's

going over his lines.

Oh.

The actor prepares.

Yep. Oh, I tell you, Kermit, appearing in a sketch with Peter Ustinov is the

highlight of my career.

I thought you said last week that appearing with me in a sketch was the

highlight of your career.

I was wrong.

How can you compare yourself to him?

Easy. He puts on his pants just like me, one leg at a time.

You don't wear any pants.

Okay, there you are. Let's see him get away with that on television.

See, did you ever fall in love with a guy at first sight?

But it always took a while.

You know, just once I'd like to stand next to Queen Elizabeth.

Then I'd rather sit in with Count Basie.

I find that most people don't believe what other people tell them.

I don't think that's true.

Hey, you want to stop by the punch bowl?

Why do they call it a punch bowl?

That's why.

And now, in my never -ending struggle to uplift these proceedings, here are two

distinguished professors, Drs. Arnold Newd and Frederick Nick, to discuss post

-DeCensian economics.

Yeah, okay, okay. Tell him the story.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a break, will you? Okay, give me a

break.

To best explain post -Dykenson, whatever.

Whatever. Economics.

Let me tell you a little story.

Yeah, tell the story.

I'm trying. I am trying to tell him a story.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Benny. What

else? What else?

who was visited by his fairy godmother. Fairy godmother? Fairy godmother. Yeah.

Now, Benny's fairy godmother promised him that he would live forever

on a one condition, see, that he never, never shave again.

Never shave.

Not some condition.

Now, Benny never shaved after that. And you know what?

What, what, what?

He lived to be 175 years old.

No.

Now, one day, Benny met a beautiful girl.

It happens to anyone.

Yeah. And he fell in what?

Nose. Yeah, furry brain. Nose.

And a beautiful girl asked Benny to shave his beard off.

No. And when a furry godmother heard that Benny had shaved... Yeah, yeah,

Why, she got Batman.

Batman.

She turned Benny into a Grecian Ein. Yeah, yeah, and that only goes to

prove the economic theory.

A Benny saved is a Benny Ein.

He is quite a talented fellow, isn't he? So appreciative.

So observant.

The frog observes. The frog appreciates.

I had just gone in to give him his costume, and he looked at me, and he

Hilda, you have the most exquisite hem stitch.

Is that so?

Imagine a big star like that noticing an old costume lady like me.

Now, Hilda, you know, I am... many times noted that your craftsmanship as a

seamstress is superb.

It is in fact flawless and you are a wonder.

Oh, what does a frog know?

Somehow I feel my charisma is slipping away.

You do something to me.

He'll never get me back to myself again.

Nobody else could do!

Here's a Muppet's new plan.

Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Oglebom says that after 30 years concentrated

research, he has discovered the cure for the common cold.

Our Muppet cameras are on the scene, and we'll speak with Dr. Oglebom about this

great medical breakthrough.

Dr. Oglebom.

Yes, here I am, Felix Oglebom, in Copenhagen, Denmark.

Yes, Dr. Oglebom. Can you tell us about this cure?

Yeah, of course.

It was right under our noses. Do you believe that?

I'm so excited.

First, you stay away from sick people.

That's very important.

Then you wrap your head in a number 10 size brown paper bag.

and you pour honey over yourself and you hold your breath for about an hour or

so, eh?

And this will cure the common cold?

Positively. And then again.

Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr. Oglebom. Remember, friends, whenever big

news breaks, you certainly won't hear it here.

Once again, it's inspiration time, and goodness knows we need some.

So here they are, Wayne and Wanda.

The falling leaves drift

by.

the intellectual level of our program as our panel discusses a topic of concern

to thinking people everywhere, psychiatry.

And tonight's panel includes our own Miss Piggy.

Kissy kissy.

Plus Cynthia Birdley. And Shandang.

And our own special guest is Dr. Kurt Von Frong, who is a practicing

psychiatrist. Hello, Mommy.

So, you are a practicing psychiatrist, Doctor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

practicing? 35 years.

Oh, isn't it time you stopped practicing and got on with it?

Cynthia, please, don't be ridiculous.

No, no, Mr.

Frog. It's all right.

Misunderstandings about psychiatry are common.

You see, basically, it is a tool to help us deal with frustrations.

Otherwise, we develop problems that result in incompleteness. Oh, I know. My

mother lives in one.

Yes. On what?

A complex.

She lives downstairs, the Murphys live upstairs. You should hear them fighting

all day. No, no, no. The doctor's talking about the psychiatry. Don't

yourself, the Murphys.

Psychiatry has its own jargon. And only when you know the meaning of the various

terms can you begin to understand.

Terms like conflict, sublimation, migration, gestalt.

Gesundheit. Gesundheit.

Gesundheit. Yeah, yeah, of course. No, no, no. See, the doctor's talking about

psychological terms.

Yes, yes, correct.

Now, Mr.

Kermit, when he was first used, you see, by Sigmund, the father of

psychiatry, he was the first in his field.

Of course, he didn't get any good at it until he got an office, and he got out

of that field.

That's a trade joke.

Well, you better trade it for another one.

It's all right, Mr.

Kermit Frog.

A good psychiatrist learns to find the proper way to handle any situation.

You see, I think personally that the Janosch theory of primal scream

therapy might work here. It's guaranteed to get rid of all your problems.

I'd like to hear it. Me too.

So would I. Yes, you got it.

You are right down here.

No problems more.

It works every time. I believe that does it for tonight's pseudoscientific

psychiatric segment discussion.

And I hope you tune in next week when, with luck, I won't be there.

What are you looking for?

My contact lens.

Oh, here it is.

Sorry. He's in his dressing room. I know him personally.

Hey, Kermit, I was wondering, could you get me Peter Ustinov's autograph?

He's one of your favorites, huh?

Oh, not one of them. He is my favorite.

Last week, I was your favorite.

Well, we grow, Kermit. We progress.

I just saw him in that last sketch.

I was on the floor.

That's a lousy place to watch a sketch from.

I meant from laughter.

You see, when I grow up, I want to be just like him.

Last week, you wanted to be just like me.

I was wrong.

I'm in my formative years.

If you had a choice, which would you choose?

Would you like to grow up and be an international star, or would you like to

grow up and be a frog?

I'd turn green with envy if I weren't already green.

I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.

It's not easy being green.

Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.

When I think it might be nicer being red or yellow or gold or

something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.

Seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.

And people tend to pass you over because you're not standing out like flashy

sparkles in the water or stars in the sky.

But green... the color of spring and green can be

cool and friendly like and

green can be big like a

mountain or important like a river or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be.

It could make you wonder why.

But why wonder?

Why wonder?

I'm green.

Little do fine.

It's beautiful.

And I think it's what I want to be.

That was it for this week, and I want to thank our guest, Mr. Peter Ustinov, for

joining us. Peter, come on out here!

I've just been talking to your show's writer. He's a man of many talents.

Isn't he, though? Yes, wears more than one hat.

Hi, Peter. Hey, listen, it's been great having you, although I must admit I've

been a little bit jealous.

You have?

I'm jealous of you.

I've always wanted to be a frog.

You're kidding.

How do you do that?

A very tight shirt collar.

Well, welcome to the wonderful world of frogs.

Yeah, and we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

the level of television entertainment.

Well, they had no place to go but up.