Original subtitles

The Muppet Show with our special guest, our Miss Lena Horne.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight.

I bet on a horse that came in so late they had to pay the jockey time and a

half.

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you Miss Lena Horne.

But now let's get things started on the most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrational, Muppetational. This is what we call the Muppet Show.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys

and girls, and dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens, and welcome to the Muppet

Show. Hey, we are particularly happy tonight to have with us as our special

guest star the talented, the beautiful, and the indefatigable Miss Lena Horne.

But right now, we're going to start off the show with an act that was discovered

by George, our janitor. And here it is, right from the cleaning room into your

living room, the rag mops!

once in a lifetime, if you're lucky.

Okay, okay. Good number. Good number, you guys.

Good number. George, clean up your act.

Kermit? Hmm? Kermit, is it true what I've heard? That I'm not doing my song

the show tonight?

Uh, that's true.

Oh, why?

Well, Piggy, because Lena Horne is our guest this week.

And, uh, how can I say this? There are singers and there are singers.

You catch my drift?

Of course you're right. What a considerate frog.

Ignorance is truly bliss.

Miss Horn on next. Miss Horn on next.

No, not you.

The wrong Miss Horn.

And now it is my great pleasure to present a performer whose name is

with style, taste, and talent, the incredible Miss Lena Horn.

Like the pine tree line in a winding road, I

got a name.

I got a name.

Like the singing bird or the croaking toad,

I got a name.

I got a name.

I'm living a dream that he kept here.

They can change their minds, but they can't...

doesn't sing that. Not her style.

No, no, no. I mean I could listen to her sing forever.

Well, she doesn't sing that either.

Why don't you just check yourself into the old fool's home while I still have a

bed left?

I appreciate the fact that you find me attractive.

Every frog wants to be needed. But there is no room in my life for romance at

this time. Thank you.

Oh, I'm crushed.

Oh, I'm destroyed.

My life has no meaning. It's over.

It's over. The sun will never shine on this pig.

Aren't you just overdoing it a little bit?

Well, maybe.

Here's a Muppet News flag.

Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky, has come upon a most unique

For the past ten years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed.

Tell us, Mrs. Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?

No, not really.

Except that twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the task.

That's not easy to do in Kentucky.

George! George!

Do you like circuses? Oh, I love them. Oh, then you must like wringling. I

know. I'm never wringled.

Will you love me forever?

I don't know, baby. Ask me again in a million years.

You know, my aunt has a chest that goes back to 1700.

Well, that must make it tough on your uncle.

You know, they say the children of today

are the parents of tomorrow.

Well, I always thought it took longer than that.

Bugs me about you. What?

You're Kemper. You're always blowing your top.

Oh, yeah?

Bye.

Hey,

Lena, you know, we are so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight.

have long been one of our favorites.

Oh, thank you. And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Cameron. Oh, well, that

makes us all very happy because we on the... Hoo -ha.

Hoo -ha.

Excuse me, Lena.

Hoo -ha.

Fozzie, what is it?

What is it?

It's us and we and ours.

But only you, the frog, get to talk to the guest star.

Well, Fozzie, see, I'm speaking for everybody.

Oh, sure, sure. But the guest stars only get to know you, not me.

Yeah, but... That's right, that's right. You know, they will never know that I

am a great comedian.

And they will never know that my family was in show business.

And that I'm a sensitive... intelligent, and yes, I'll even say it, talented.

Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that... Excuse me, but aren't you Fozzie Bear,

great comedian?

What?

A sensitive and intelligent person like you must be a great comedian.

Oh.

There you are, Fozzie.

Wow. You actually know me?

Listen, when you've made a name for yourself in show business, Everybody

you, so it's only natural that I would know the great Fozzie Bear.

Ah. Sure, just as it's only natural that you would know Lena Horne.

Oh, Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne. Oh, yeah, she's terrific. I mean, she's

great, don't you?

Yeah, I think she's terrific and great, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she's

going to be a guest on our show one of these weeks.

Fozzie, she is a guest this week.

She's a guest this week? Yes. On this show here?

Oh, wow, wow. That's great. I don't want to miss Lena Horne. Are you going to

stick around and see her?

I might just do that.

Oh, yeah. I didn't get your name.

Dave.

Doris Dave.

Cute.

Cute name.

You know, with a name like that, you should be in show business.

I'll wait for you outside, Miss Dave.

I'm sorry about that, Lena.

Sometimes he's just unbearable.

I don't know.

deep into his limitless repertoire, and has come up with an act the likes of

which has never been seen before.

So let's give a big hand to the great...

Sometimes it takes a long time for an artist to be appreciated.

But look, as long as one person appreciates you, you just got to keep on

And as for me, I think you're fantastic.

I don't know what to say.

In this world of ordinary people,

extraordinary people, I'm glad there is you.

of overrated pleasures and underrated treasures

I'm glad there is you I'll live to

love I love to live with you beside me

This role so new I'll muddle through with you to

guide me In this world

Where many, many play at love and hardly any stay in love.

I'm glad there is you more than ever.

I'm glad there is you.

Thank you, Lena. You're great, Gonzo.

Oh, boy.

It sure is great being in the show business, Chief.

Yeah, Scooter, but I tell you, this isn't an easy job.

Sometimes in this business, you have to be ruthless, merciless, and cruel.

In what way, Chief?

Well, I just cut Piggy's song from the show. Why?

Because there's no way she could follow the great Lena Horne.

She'd look ludicrous.

Yeah, but these are command decisions, Scooter.

It's lonely at the top.

He's right. Yeah.

I've got to be ruthless, merciless, and cruel.

Oh, how kind my Kermit is not wanting me to overshadow Lena Horne.

Oh, no, no, no. He cut your number so you wouldn't look ludicrous.

What?

I'm sorry. You see, I've got to be ruthless, merciless, and cruel.

Cruel? I'll show you cruel, kid.

told me about this part.

And now it's time for that riotous, mirthful

bundle of laughs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Thank you! Oh boy, oh boy, what a fantastic audience you are. No, I mean

mean it. I've seen audiences come and I've seen them go.

Well, you're seeing them go now, right out the door.

Says you.

That's right.

Says you.

That's right. Says you. Well, you better have a way out of this.

I do, I do.

Says you.

Says you, Hayakawa.

Huh? Says you, Hayakawa, a great Japanese actor.

And speaking of Japanese actors, did you know Toshiro Mifume means no smoking in

Japanese?

Well, he's either brilliant or that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Oh, you can't stop the old fuzzy tonight.

I'm really cooking. I'm one rare bear.

You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.

And now, my tribute to Marcel Marceau. An impression of a man balancing himself

on one leg. Count them. One.

Here we go.

Now,

a man balancing himself on...

Oh, I could stay on forever.

Yeah, you stay on any longer, you'll be running into the prayer of the day.

Senior citizens one, bear zero.

Hilda, would you help me find my key to the dressing room? Oh, I am so sorry,

Miss Horne. My head is such a pickle. I left the iron on in the costume room.

I'll be back in the jiffy.

Animal. Animal.

I was wondering, would you help me find my key?

All right.

Be flat.

I'll tell you, monster standing by. Monster standing by, please.

Aren't you going to be standing by, too?

No. Why?

Because you're the monster.

What you said at the beginning of the show.

about Lena and me?

I just got it, Al Greeno.

You meant that I couldn't follow her.

Well, Pitty, sometimes the truth hurts.

Hurt? I'll show you hurt.

You

know,

there's a children's TV show that I really enjoy.

Maybe you've heard of Sesame Street.

Anyway, here's one of my favorite songs from that show.

This week's Madness. Hey, we'd like a special thanks for our special guest

Miss Lena Horne.

What a fun.

Oh, good.

I was listening to Piggy sing backstage.

I think she ought to have her own spot on the show.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe next time we'll let her sing a song.

Oh, you do love me. Oh, give me a little pork or a kiss on that chuck.

Oh, that's very nice thing.

Stop it, Joel!

Arthur! Arthur!

Is he here? Who?

Arthur. Go back to sleep.