Original subtitles

Muppet Show with tonight's guest star, Mr. Joel Gray.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

house we use paper plates and every night after dinner my wife erases the

to introduce our guest that's what i'm here to do so

it really makes me happy to introduce to you mr joel

Our show tonight will feature some stuff that looks like this.

Now let's get things started.

like to see 4 ,000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet while 87

two dozen elephants do the dance of the sugarplum fairy?

Well, forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as the guest star, which

a way is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having

to clean up afterwards.

But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, where we have comedy

tonight.

No complications. No complications.

Nothing. Potentious or polite.

Normal. Nothing but normal.

No recitation to recite.

No recitation.

No recitation.

No recitation.

Well,

it's true. It's speeding along very quickly this evening. Oh, yes.

Someone must have told him it's harder to hit a moving target.

I recommend.

Oh, hi there, Fozzie. Hey, listen, you better go get ready. Go in the dressing

room and get ready, okay, Jim?

Dressing room. I had a dressing room so small, all the mice were hunchbacked.

Please, Fozzie, no jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.

Tired frog.

I knew a frog who got so tired, he fell asleep during his nap.

Fozzie, what is this?

Oh, see, it's my new act. It's jokes on any subject.

You tell the subject, and the bear does the joke on it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go

ahead. Go ahead.

Fuzzy, please.

Please. Take my wife. Please.

Fuzzy, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready, okay?

Dressing room.

I had a dressing room so small. I heard it.

Oh. But what do you think about the act, Frog?

Well, Fuzzy, it's got possibilities.

Ah. Yeah. Why don't you work on it? Oh, boy.

Alone.

Oh.

Alone. Alone.

This bear was left alone.

Would you be interested in seeing the five temptations?

Could you just show me a couple? I'm not as young as I used to be.

Two, three, four. Two, three, four.

You know, George, I come from a very old family.

Mine's older.

Oh, really? How old?

My family's so old it's been condemned.

Boy,

my brother's really something.

He's got girls eating out of his hand.

Oh?

Is he a lover?

No, a waiter.

I'm really stuck on you.

Oh, how sweet. You love me?

No, I'm just stuck on you.

There's a Muppet Blue flag.

Dateline, New York City. A former circus daredevil who billed himself as Boffo

the Human Cannonball fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of

holiday shoppers.

Fortunately, there were no injuries to the passersby.

Boffo was not so lucky.

Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, I guess I'll just have to pick up the

pieces and live my life.

It is with great pride and pleasure that yours truly, Kermit the Frog,

introduces the international star of stage and screen, Mr. Joel Gray.

Thank you, Kermit.

I can't tell you what a pleasure it is for me to be here, appearing in the

Muppet Cabaret.

Never have I entertained in such a place before.

So unusual.

So bizarre, the most incredible nightclub by far.

Ladies and gentlemen. Good evening.

Bonsoir. Good evening.

You sweet broacher, come here.

I am your host.

I am your guest.

Gotcha. This home is never new. Well, I'm in

cabaret for cabaret to cabaret.

Here, life is beautiful.

The customers are beautiful.

Even the orchestra is beautiful. Have you ever seen such a beautiful

This is a beautiful.

If your standards aren't too high.

maybe, but more than 2 ,000 people attended his final performance.

Yes, yes.

Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feather.

Hiya, Hilda.

Oh, hello, Fuzzy.

Fuzzy, have you seen my glasses?

Glasses, glasses.

I knew a minister once who was so religious, when he read the Bible, he

stained glasses.

What is this?

Oh, it's my new act. See, jokes on any subject.

Yeah, pretty good, huh? Nothing stops the old fuzzy bear.

I wish something would.

Oh, would, would. Two bears going to the woods. And never mind, I found my

glasses.

Found, found, found.

Well, Joel, you know, I can't... I just can't tell you how pleased we are to

have you with us here tonight. Thanks very much, Jimmy. You know, I understand

that you come from an old show business family, don't you, Joel? Yes, actually,

I do. You appeared on stage at the ripe old age of 10, huh?

Yes. Yeah, I understand you were also born in Cleveland, Ohio, but now you

in New York with your wife, Jo, and your two children, Jimmy and Jennifer.

plus three cats, two dogs, a turtle, and three frisbees. How'd you know all

that? Yeah, let me ask you something. Well, now that you're with us, why don't

you just tell us a little about yourself?

Actually, there's not much left to tell.

Oh.

Boy, what a dull guest.

Oh, my foot. Why, that young man is one of the all -time greats. You hear me?

One of the greats. Well, you'll get no argument from me on that.

Well, it may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives. No. We

once agreed in the summer of 1912, yes.

What was that? We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat.

Remember?

No.

Ah, Turkey, land of my dreams.

All the Turkish delights, the Turkish women, the coffee, the towels.

In every way, my heart belongs to Turkey.

But lo, what lovely eastern maiden approaches.

Pakalapaka.

Pakalapaka.

Pakalapaka. They whisper it all over Turkey.

Pakalapaka.

Pakalapaka. It sounds so romantic and turkey.

I know that phrase will make me thrill always, for it reminds me of you, my

sweet.

Just a mention of that tender word of love gives my heart a

jerkish, turkish beat.

I won't face people or l 'amour toujours, for they

can't express what I'm feeling.

Even there's a dope.

or other foreign quotes don't seem to be quite so appealing.

But Pacal Africa, Pacal Africa takes me back with

you to passionate desert seas.

And it's serious day till the very day we find out what

Pacal Africa means.

We find out what...

To ensure that the quality and moral content of this show is above reproach,

Sam the American Eagle, am proud to present the singing duet of Wayne and

Besides being tremendous singers, They're church people.

Don't know why There's no sun up in the sky

Stormy weather

As

soon as they roll wet.

You have got to do something about that. That fuzzy bear.

Yes, he's driving us bananas.

Yeah, if you don't stop with those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him.

I tell you guys, I don't really know exactly what to do about it.

Shh, here he comes.

Well, now, that's a thought. See, if you don't like his jokes, don't say

anything. Oh.

How you doing, Kermit? How you doing, George?

How you doing, George?

silent treatment, huh? Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh?

Uh, it'd be quiet, quiet, quiet.

Yeah. I know a town that was so quiet, when someone turned the lights off,

everybody yelled, what was that?

No, no.

She had yes, yes in her eyes, but no no's on her face.

Uh, tell you, Fozzie. Yeah, terrific, huh? Yeah. Well, these jokes of yours

starting to bug everybody.

Bug, bug, bug. Oh, bug out.

Bug out.

What kind of joke is that?

Well, that was no joke, Fozzie.

That was my wife.

My joke?

Hey, why the hat?

I got my new car outside.

Gonzo, you want to go for a spin?

Sure.

Gonzo. Hey.

Relax, relax.

I didn't mean actually go for a spin. It's just a phrase like you don't

bite the hand that feeds you, do you?

I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out, does one? I mean, one doesn't talk

through one's hat.

I hope not. I can talk for myself.

I think I'm going bananas.

I thought you were going for a spin.

You're in for a special treat tonight, folks, as Fozzie Bear, the comedy star

our show, displays his ready wit and nimble mind in a test of comedy that

stump the best.

You just name a subject, and Fozzie Bear will instantly give you a joke.

So here he is.

anything, any word, any subject, and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit you with a great

joke about it. Don't be afraid. Just yell them out, and I'll yell them back.

Come on.

Amoeba.

Huh?

Why do you say amoeba?

Uh, amoeba. Sorry, no foreign words.

Okay, that does it. Give me that word again.

Amoeba.

Right, amoeba.

Two amoeba walk out of a bar. One amoeba says to the other, say, is that the sun

or the moon? And the other amoeba says, I don't know. I don't live around here.

He did it. He's okay.

He certainly did.

I'm proud to present a little -known classic of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Disappearing Clue.

Sherlock Holmes here.

Watson there.

Oh, Mr.

Holmes, I'm so glad you're here. It's murder, Mr. Holmes.

Murder.

It's gone down, my dear lady. Dr.

Watson and I will have this case solved in no time. Right, Watson?

Of course.

can solve any crime by a simple process of deduction.

Yes, sir. The body of Lord Bottomley is right over there.

Don't look, Watson. It's too horrible to gaze upon.

What manner of fiend could have done this?

Actually, I feel you, the butler. Lord Bottomley lies over there.

He's been shot, Owen.

Yes, yes.

Of course.

I arrest Fielding the butler for the murder of Lord Bottomley.

Amazing.

Preposterous. The butler's fingerprints are on this glass.

Here's a photo of the butler committing the murder.

The weapon in question registered in the butler's name.

And finally, an eyewitness, the maid, who will seal his doom.

Excuse me, miss.

Your deduction on the face

of the evidence brings us to the only possible conclusion, and that is that

butler did it. But there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong.

Logic is never wrong, Watson, if there is no evidence that the butler did it.

And I certainly didn't do it. And the inescapable conclusion, Watson, is that

you're the murderer.

Hmm.

Tough. And the inescapable conclusion is that with no evidence and no killer,

there was no murder.

Gesundheit.

Here's a Muppet News flash.

Dateline Brooklyn, New York.

Harry Oblong, a retired New York City bus driver, said that he is holding that

state as a hostage and will not release it until he is paid $50 million in cash.

Mr. Oblong, whom state officials say is not playing with a full deck, says that

he will not disclose the whereabouts of the state of New York, but does say it

has enough food and water to last for 10 more days.

limitless repertoire to bring us an act never before seen on any stage anywhere

in the world and with his luck it never will be seen again ladies and gentlemen

the greatest of all god

Listen, uh, Ray, I was just watching your act, you know, from offstage, and a

couple of things occurred to me as one artist to another.

Do you think I should wear a top hat?

It's more than a top hat, Gons.

I think it's the basic act, actually, yeah.

I think what you need is some pizzazz.

You know what that means?

Let me show you.

Just give them the old razzle -dazzle.

Razzle.

Give them an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction

will be passionate. Give them the old hocus pocus.

Beat and feather them.

How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges fall? are rusting what if in fact you're

just disgusting razzle dazzle them and they'll never cat why

give them the old razzle

dazzle razzle dazzle them back since the days

of old methuselah everyone loves The big bamboozle.

When

you're

in trouble.

It's unassailable. They'll wait a year till you're available.

Give them the old double whammy.

Day's end is the only year.

Show them the first -rate sorcerer you are.

Long as you keep them way off balance, how can they spot you got nothing?

on the show tonight, and I want you to know you'll always be willkommen here.

Danke schön, Herr Kermit. It was mein pleasure.

I keep working on that accent. It might come in handy.

And thank you all for joining us, and join us next week for the Muppet Show.

More, more.

No, not so loud. They may hear you.