Original subtitles

The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzy.

It's time to play the music.

It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

I finally found the sure way to lose weight. I bought a scale that lies.

To introduce our guest star, that's what it's time to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Miss Ruth Buzzy.

Now let's get started.

Hey,

I feel good tonight for two reasons. One, Scooter's uncle has extended the

on our theater, which gives us a roof over our head.

And two, our special guest star is Miss Ruth Buzzy, which is enough to make

anyone feel good. But right now, let's... Get the show underway with some

musical mayhem. Hit it, boys.

Yesterday my life was filled with rain You

smiled at me and relieved the

pain Our days are done

Thank you for the sunshine.

Thank you for the love you've brought my

way.

I love you.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for that.

But who's responsible for it? Oh, I am.

Scooter, what makes you think you can bring a crate into the backstage?

My uncle owns the theater.

And a nice crate it is, too.

May I ask you, what is in it? Sure, go ahead.

What is in it? Oh, well, it's a mechanical wind -up TV show host. A

wind -up TV show host. Right. That is the dumbest, the craziest, most

idea you...

frog, his uncle owns the theater.

You are so lovely. Have I ever seen you in the movies?

Well, I don't think so.

I hardly ever go.

Don't you feel stupid with three feet?

Sure, but the other one didn't come back from the cleaner.

stretch my legs.

I'd do it for you.

Wow, time soon for the handsome frog here to make another one

of his introductions. I will check myself and see how I look in the mirror.

I was a gift from his uncle.

Welcome to the show.

With a few exceptions, the characters on this program are weird and peculiar and

not to be trusted. One of those exceptions, aside from myself, of

wonderful singing team of Wayne and Wanda. They've really rehearsed this

they're sure to get it right.

Here they are, one and one to us. Row, row, row.

And Johnny Jumpy had a cute little boat.

And all the girlies I would take for a float.

He had girlies on the shore.

With little peaches.

just been kidnapped.

Disappearance of the ocean was first reported by lighthouse keeper Murray

Patterson. He was awakened late last night when 500 fish pounded on his door

asking for water.

Authorities suspect that the ocean is being held prisoner in an apartment

somewhere in Newark.

A ransom note has reportedly been received.

The kidnappers are demanding two Christmases each year and a hug from

every night.

loved on Laugh -In and hundreds of other shows, a comedian, an actress, a

singer, a dancer, and a lot of fun at parties, our guest star, Miss Ruth

You're just... Too good to be true.

You are just too great.

You may not know this, but I'm really a very sentimental dog.

I cry easily.

Onions, for instance, always make me cry.

I'll admit, I split bananas, take Easter eggs, and make them

die.

But I never harmed an onion, so why should they make me

cry?

Once I saw a salad dressing.

My face got radish, my oh my.

But I never harm an onion.

So why should they make me cry?

Potatoes I've mashed and berries I've crushed. I've made an artichoke and

that's not all.

I've also whipped cream and beaten an egg.

Yes, I've even made a melon ball.

Of all the things above, I'm guilty.

If punished, I would know just why.

But I never harmed an onion.

So why should they make me cry?

Kermit, I never chew the fat.

Uh, yeah, well, I... Uh -uh, no, no, fat is not good for you. Fat is a no -no.

In fact, every time I see fat, I go black.

Yeah, well, I... You are looking at a body, Kermit, that has not one ounce of

fat on it.

Well, yes, but... This is lean, lean, El Lino, Kermit, my soggy friend.

Yeah, yeah, well, I can see all that, yeah. Kermit, I had a friend once who

chewed so much fat that she was as big as a house.

and she decided to rent herself out as a duplex.

What do we talk about? Well, we all know that you hate fat, but what do you

love? Oh, well, I love to eat.

I eat health foods, organic foods, dairy products.

Dairy products. No, no, no. That's a no -no.

Dairy products killed my uncle. Oh, well, that's awful.

Yep. He was hit by a dairy truck.

His last words were, take the cheese off my...

Oh, it's a joke. Yeah, it's just a joke.

That's up to the laugh track.

But speaking of laughs, Ruth, you know, you really tickle me.

Oh, well, that's how I make everyone laugh.

How's that?

I tickle them.

Oh.

one of the top comics in the business. In the world. In the business world.

Who's doing the show?

Lieutenant Jane B. Smithers, 1st Battalion, 5th Army, based on the far

the river.

We have over 15 ,000 troops, heavily armed, with 40 tanks and three fighter

planes. Good.

Thank you very much. That's the information we needed. Thank you. Oh,

very welcome.

Now, listen, we have enough food and ammunition for three weeks.

The commanding officer's name is Frank Irving. He's a gunnery expert and a

former account exec with an ad agency in Philadelphia.

Well, yeah, it's fine. I should do it, don't you?

He's 43 years old and has two children. And he drives a 63 Dodge station wagon.

And the pilot flying plane number one is Mike Kelly.

Oh, yes, he's a graduate of West Point. And he wears a toupee.

That's enough. Enough already.

He got three B's and an A in his final year. Hey, lady. And he went with a

general's daughter named Maggie. I don't care.

She had a mole on her left shoulder. Hey, I'm warning you. We have ways of

making you stop talking.

He's an expert in decoding, and he is a craft gin rummy flavor.

I mean, he is really terrific.

Please don't do any more.

Stop. Don't talk. Please don't do any more.

Stop it, please.

Oh, light of my life, fog of my arms. At last, we are alone.

At last, you are alone, Piggy. I'm about to go on stage in front of a thousand

people.

Yeah, look, look, look. Let me take you away from all this. A marriage made in

heaven, a frog and a pig. We could have bouncing baby figs.

Sure, let me whisper, let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Sweet.

Let me explain. Oh, explain this.

Hey, listen, I think you may have

dented him.

Interested isn't the word.

He's seriously thinking about becoming a monastery.

Kermit has asked me to introduce this week's closing number, so it is with

pleasure... Uh, excuse me. Don't pay any mind to me, Miss Buzzy. I merely stand

by checking the content of this program to make sure it is morally above

reproach. Oh, okay.

It is with great pleasure that I present the Gogolala Jubilee...

That does not sound culturally uplifting.

Well, you can't roll a skate in a buffalo herd.

You can't roll a skate in a buffalo herd. No, you can't roll a skate in a

buffalo herd.

You can be happy if you ever mind to.

Never mind.

end of the song.

Time once

again to raise the intellectual level of our program. It's about time, too.

Just hold it down here, Sam. Tonight, our distinguished panel of experts

includes our special guest, Miss Gloria Goodbody.

Thank you. You're more than welcome.

And tonight we discuss that controversial topic, is the human body

Well, I presume the question under discussion has something to do with the

importance or lack thereof of the physiological prowess in this age of

technology and ever -escalating cybernetic engineering.

That was wonderful.

I didn't understand it.

Now, actually, actually, everyone, I was saying that I...

I'm talking about physical fitness. Oh, physical fitness? Yes, physical fitness.

Well, I'm fit.

Let's get physical.

I'm a nut on physical fitness. Really? In fact, I've tried every exercise

program that there is. Right now, I'm into yoga.

Yoga? Yes, yoga. Isn't it that weird sour milk stuff?

Oh, no, no, no. This is yoga.

What are you doing?

Doesn't that hurt?

All the time we have.

What's going on?

Are you all right? What's going on here?

Where are you going?

There's supposed to be a discussion about here. Well, listen.

That's nothing.

Watch this. This is physical fitness.

Wait a minute.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two,

three, four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

you all for watching and special thanks to our wonderful guest star, Miss Booth

Ruzzy. Booth Ruzzy.

Booth Ruzzy.

Booth Ruzzy. Oh, look at that. I knew this wicked contraption would break down

eventually.

A mere machine could never replace a real frog.

You're a nice person, Ruth. Thank you. And I hope we've tickled you as much as

you've tickled us on the show. You have. Right, guys?

Did you like the show? No, I didn't.