Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show stars Rita Moreno. She's one of my all -time

favorite guest stars. I just have to tell you that I have always been a

nut. That I love all of you so much.

It also was

the first episode that featured the long -running, long -punning...

sketch Veterinarian's Hospital, which, by the way, is pretty much where Miss

Piggy got her start as well.

You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Bob?

I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway.

Rita Moreno was the first performer to win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, and an

Emmy. She won her Emmy as Best Performance by a Guest on a Comedy

for her appearance in this episode.

So here it is, The Muppet Show, starring Rita Moreno.

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to get things started.

Why us?

It's time to get things started.

unfortunately left their costumes at home because they forgot to pack their

trunks.

I gave him that joke.

I wish I gave it right back.

But right now, let's get things moving with our special guest star, the

beautiful, lovely, terrific, and talented...

Great number, great number. Hey, would somebody help that guy up the stairs,

please? She always does. She was, but was I good?

Good. Piggy, honey, you're a rip snorter.

Hey, Fozzie, can you get that? I get it, Kermit.

Hello, Muppet Show backstage.

Who was it?

The water department.

What the hell?

And now, Veterinarians Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic

surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was operating in the other room.

I know. It's the talk of the hospital.

Boogie boogie.

Now cut that out. Let me have the ear thing.

Ear thing, Dr. Bob.

Oh,

feels good.

Stick. Stick, Dr. Bob.

Fetch.

What's that all about?

That's my laboratory retriever.

Keep your eye on it.

Thank you.

Oh, what do you think, Dr. Bob?

I think it's man is sick. You ought to see a doctor.

But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.

That's your opinion. I'm getting out of here.

You can't leave Fuzzy. Dr.

Bob is the only one who can save you now.

She's right. I saved over 500 last year. What, patients?

No, dollars.

Of course, I also lost over 100 pounds.

What, in weight?

No, in England.

Dr. Bob, you should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself a doctor,

I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway.

Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say... Dr. Bob, you've lost all

your patience.

I can't help it. I've got a short temper.

Good night, Bill, now.

Okay, a little shanky, a little shanky, guys.

Hello, backstage, the Muppet Show.

Ozzie, who was it?

The fire department.

I think this is what they call a running gag.

No, that's what they call a running gag.

Here's a Muppet News Flash.

Dateline Fresno. Mr. Thomas Galley spent the last 27 months teaching his pet

chicken to dance classical ballet.

Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions and became a member of the

Copenhagen Ballet.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed

ballerina for lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I wonder what the Swedish chef has up his sleeve.

A summons from the Board of Health.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

There's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn.

the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. There's the

horn, there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn. There's the

there's the horn, there's the horn, there's the horn Boop!

Boop!

Boop!

Yeah, but a couple of what?

I hear you come from a broken home.

Yeah, I've broken myself.

Two, three, dip.

Dip. Dip.

Does one ever encounter sharks in these parts?

Oh, no, absolutely not. Never.

Why do you ask?

Just curious.

that you shouldn't panic if you don't have a job.

That's easy for him to say. He's got a job.

I don't think we should come to this ballroom anymore.

Why? It seems to be attracting a lower class of animals.

Oh, we're... We're right.

That's Tango.

just about a year ago to a little town called Morrow in the state of Ohio.

I've never been much of a traveler, and I really didn't know that Morrow was the

hardest place I'd ever try to go.

So I went down to the station for my ticket and applied for tips regarding

Morrow, not expecting to be guide.

Said I, my friend, I'd like to go tomorrow and return no later than

for I haven't time to burn.

Said he to me, now let me see if I have heard you right. You'd like to go

tomorrow and return tomorrow night. You should have gone tomorrow, yesterday,

and back today.

For the train that goes tomorrow is a mile upon its way.

You had gone tomorrow, yesterday, now don't you see?

You could have gone tomorrow and returned today at three. For the train

tomorrow, if the schedule is right.

Today it gets tomorrow and returns tomorrow night.

Said I, I'd like to go. tomorrow, so can I go today and get tomorrow by tonight

if there is no delay?

Well, well, I said to him, and I've got no more to say. Can you get anywhere

tomorrow and get back again today?

He said, I guess you know it all, but kindly let me say, how can I get

if I leave this town today?

You cannot go tomorrow anymore today, for the train that goes tomorrow is a

upon its way. I was so disappointed.

I was mad enough to swear the train had gone tomorrow and it left me standing

there. The man was right in telling me, you are a howling jay, you cannot go

tomorrow. Well, I guess in town I'll stay.

I don't get it.

to present a group of performers that I personally discovered in the waiting

room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio.

They weren't performing there. They were just waiting.

What did you say?

I don't know. I wasn't...

What's the matter with you? You don't understand English?

No, I don't understand English.

Don't make fun of the lady's accent.

What accent?

Listen, boy chick, I speak as good English as the next guy.

Yes, the next guy is Desi Arnaz.

Please, girls, if you want... Listen, you.

How would you like a high -heeled Andrew Hamhock?

What about conversation as a dying art? If conversation is a dying...

You see, in my country, we have a seldom -used saying. When the swine lubricates

the automobile, you end up with a greased pig.

That doesn't make sense.

I know. That's why it's seldom -used.

In my country, we have a saying, too.

What is that supposed to mean?

Easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears.

Yes. In fact, I just got a concussion from that discussion.

Hey, listen, Rita. Yes? At this time in the show, I'd like to... Kermit, Kermit,

before you go on. What? I just have to tell you that I have always been a

nut, that I love all of you so much.

Hey, but listen, this is

the part of the show, you see, where we have what we call our talk spot, you

see, where the guest sits here and talks casually.

And spontaneously with the frog. I know, I know. But Kermit, haven't you ever

noticed on these variety shows when they have a talk spot that the actors always

come off so phony? I mean, you know that they are rehearsed. You know that they

are reading cue cards. Yeah, but Rita, on our show, on our... Wait a minute.

Rita, on our show, we do not use any cue cards. Rita, on our

show, we do not... Kermit!

I was just kidding there. Oh, sorry.

Kermit, can't we just please do it Muppet style?

Let's ad -lib it.

Oh, you mean ad -lib? Just sort of, yeah, just make it up. Well, I don't

Sure, yeah, just chatting like that. Well, sure. But I don't mind doing that.

But there are others who might take offense.

Like who?

Well, like the guy who holds the cue cards.

Who wants freedom to hold cue cards?

Will I, uh... No.

Nice lady, let freedom hold something else.

Oh, sure. You can hold anything you want.

That best offer me have all week.

What happens so often on

our show, our guest stars just get carried away.

As always... All of us right -thinking people know Wayne and Wanda are the only

truly uplifting acts on this whole questionable program.

So, with a sense of awesome pride, I present the singing team of

Wayne and Wanda with Goody Goody. Oh, Goody Goody.

So you met someone who set you back on your heels.

to laugh a minute by the clock.

Oh, yeah? Well, you better check your clock. It looks like it stopped.

I go with a lovely girl. She's so bow -legged, when she stands around the

she stands around the house.

Hey, hey, you remind me of Charlton Heston.

Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes.

Well?

Look, I'm good enough to play the palace.

You're not good enough to clean the palace.

like my last joke?

Yes, if you promise it's your last joke.

You guys wouldn't know a good joke if it fell over one.

Well, we're not in any danger with your act.

Okay, on stage for Rita's closing number. That's Rita, Floyd, and Animal,

please. On stage, on stage.

Okay? Everybody ready for that closing?

happen when I do answer it. I'm aware of that. I'm aware of that, Fuzzy. Is

there no end to this running gag?

Well,

I

guess that puts an end to this running gag.

And also to all the incoming calls.

Never know how much I love you.

Never know how much I care.

When you put your arms around me, I get the fever that's so hard to bear.

You give me fever.

When you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight.

Cool it.

you know I'm gonna treat you right

end of the show and i cannot but pause to thank our lovely guest star miss rita

moreno rita i wish you would throw

things on the floor we try to be neat around here oh that's okay kermit he

it i had lunch with him today it's okay okay hey thank you rita and thank you

all

Yes. Well, I still couldn't find the chewing gum.