Original subtitles

It's the Muppet Show with our special guest artist, Sandy Duncan.

It's time to play the music. It's time to light the light.

It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It's time to put on makeup.

It's time to dress up right.

It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.

Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home.

After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.

To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do. So it really makes me

happy to introduce to you, Miss Sandy Duncan!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi -ho, I'm in a great mood tonight. And that's

because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady, Miss

Sandy Duncan.

And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang -up affair.

Did somebody say bang?

Uh, no.

I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here.

In any event, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by

our own gopher scooter.

It could be a bomb, but, uh... Did somebody say bomb?

Somebody's got to introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old

fuzzy. Okay, here she is, a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she

acts, and she makes it feel good all over. Miss Sandy Duncan!

Locked in a crowd, alone, and drinking my thirst.

Hungry for company, can't think of the words. Watching the boys, my

heart in my hand.

What a misplay, it's pitiful. Pitiful cry.

Lift, lift, lift up her lips. You'll be knowing tomorrow what she should have

been saying tonight.

Won't you tell me what's a nice girl like me?

Never closes. Well, I can hardly hear you. Holy Moses.

Looking so bad. Looking so bad, so bad. Now, tell me, what's a nice monster like

me? Doing by the dance floor after hours.

Going over rows of whiskey showers.

Feeling so bad. Feeling so bad for this. I'm feeling so bad for this.

What you doing here, girl?

What you doing here, girl?

Now won't you tell me what's a nice girl like me to run at a place that's never

closed? I can hardly hear you.

Now won't you tell me what's a nice girl like me

to run by the dance floor after I've chosen over rows of whiskey towers?

Feeling so bad.

Feeling so bad for me. What you doing here, girl?

What you doing here, girl?

Bravo! Bravo! Wonderful!

Fantastic! Tremendous!

Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy.

Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one.

Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.

What?

Would you lend me a fiver to pay day?

Fozzie, you already owe me five.

Oh, please, please. I know it, but I gotta pay my rider, the legendary Gags

Beasley. The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?

Well, we worked out a good deal.

Are you paying by the line?

No, I pay him by the left.

Oh, then he owes you money.

Oh, that was cute. That was real cute.

See the movie?

Donut.

Now it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the

the next act needs no introduction.

Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction.

He needs an act.

Your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.

Mm -hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any.

I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favorites, and I'm

sure one of his, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

you. Oh, look out. I've got some great ones for you tonight.

Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them.

Hey,

we got three kids, one of each.

Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on the roll. I'm on the roll.

Why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?

Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with a banana sketch?

Oh, nice segue.

Good blend.

Hey, hey, these two bananas are walking down the street.

Listen to Patsy.

He has them eating right down from his hand.

Why, he's got a new writer, Gags Beasley.

Not the legendary Gags Beasley.

You mean you've heard of him? Well, who hasn't? Me, for one.

But, Ted Beasley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous

banana sketch.

The banana sketch.

What's the banana sketch?

You've never heard of the banana sketch?

But it's so funny, you know.

I hear that.

Oh, boy, I killed him. Oh, boy. Yeah, I posed with a banana sketch, you know.

What is a banana sketch?

You never heard of the banana sketch?

Hey, guys. Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch.

I think somebody's pulling my leg.

Somebody is pulling my leg. It's a great guy, though.

You never heard of the banana sketch?

You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.

What? Were they dirty?

Where'd you say you were born?

In Paris.

Oh, how'd you do that?

The usual way.

My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast.

Because the sand is so hot?

No, because the trees are so far apart.

Do you remember where we first met?

Yeah, at the hop.

You know, I'm falling for you. What can I do?

Get out of the way!

Want to join me?

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

You talking to me?

Yes, I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.

Of course I'm crying. I feel sad.

I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?

I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.

Oh, you're just saying that to be nice. No.

I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump.

And I scare people.

Every time I walk in this park, people yell, police!

They cry, monster!

Mothers grab their children, and little dogs run away, and flowers wilt.

Oh, now, come on. I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you? Oh,

Well, watch this.

Hello, flower.

See?

And see this dog over here?

Uh -huh.

Hello, doggy.

not calling the police and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.

It's true.

You're not.

A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me.

Yeah, I just don't like seeing people cry.

I think there's too much sadness in the world.

You know what? If people just took a little time to look past the physical,

might find a lot of beautiful things about you.

Oh, I feel so good. So, so loved.

So beautiful.

You see, if we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.

Oh, I feel beautiful.

Hello, flower.

Hello,

doggie.

Oh, my.

You must have looked so sad.

Oh, I know that you may appear to be on the outside.

Seems full of clouds and rain, and I am filled with naught but pain.

Who suits my thumping, bumping brain?

Nobody.

When winter comes with snow and sleet, and me with hunger and cold feet, who

says, here's two bits, go and eat?

Nobody.

I ain't never done nothing to no...

ain't never got nothing from nobody no time.

And until I get something from somebody sometime, I

don't intend to do nothing for nobody no time.

When I try hard and scheme and plan to look as good as hair I can,

who says, Look at that handsome man.

Who does?

Nobody.

When all day long things go amiss, and I go home to find some bliss, who

hands to me a glowing kiss?

Nobody. Right.

I ain't never done nothing to nobody.

I ain't never got nothing from nobody.

Until I get something from somebody sometime.

I don't intend to do nothing for nobody.

Welcome, Grinch. He's imagining how well you fit within his skin.

I'll be taken in by my welcome grin. I'm imagining how well you fit within my

skin. Never run,

walk away, say goodnight, not good day.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Maybe I could meet you guys tomorrow for lunch.

You know, Sandy, it's nice for the two of us to just have a moment alone to

talk, you know? Hey, Sandy.

Hey, Kermit.

Hi,

Fonzie. Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news?

You can't stay long?

No, no, I got plenty of time.

Well, that's bad news. What's the good news?

Okay, Frog, see, the good news is that I have a great idea for a sketch for both

of us to play. You want to do a sketch with me?

No, not you, with Sandy.

Oh, well,

that sounds great, Fozzie. Who wrote your sketch?

Oh, my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.

Oh, come on, Fozzie. Gags Beasley is your writer?

You know him?

Of course I know him. I mean, Gag Feasley wrote the famous banana sketch.

right. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Now you too, Sandy. Huh?

Oh, tell me, what is this banana sketch?

You never heard of it?

Come on, Kermit.

Everybody's heard of the banana sketch. I told you, Kermit.

Gag Feasley, I can't believe he's your writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know

something? I am impressed, Fozzie. Really impressed.

Hmm. Yeah.

It's a real classic, this banana sketch. Oh, yeah. And it was written by Gags

Beasley? Yeah. How does it go there, Sandy? Well, I mean, Gags, banana.

The word, synonymous, right?

Right. I can say that again. I gag every time I hear about this sketch.

Fozzie, I could just be thinking about the banana sketch, and I start to crack

up. Me too.

Do you?

Does it make you laugh? Oh, no.

Hey, Foz, do you use a green banana or a yellow one? Oh, yellow.

I love it.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold, hold, hold, hold.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Sandy, Sandy, please, please, pretty please, Sandy, with sugar, pretty

What? What is the banana sketch?

Tell him, go ahead, tell him, tell him, tell him. You want to tell him? You tell

him, you tell him, you tell him. Okay, I'm going to tell him.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, all right, all right.

the truth, Statler.

Do you get the banana sketch?

No, I get the New York Times and the Manchester Guardian.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Dateline Dallas, Texas. Mrs. Billy Lee Bonkers of that city recently entered

Guinness Book of Records by establishing the World Jumping in Place record.

Mrs. Bonkers began jumping in place three months ago and so far has jumped

,000 times.

652 ,001.

Mrs. Bonkers.

652 ,002.

Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any special incentive to keep you going?

Oh, my, no. I have all the incentive that I need.

How's that?

I'm standing on a hot plate.

Ah!

2003!

Truly a courageous and inspiring story.

Where do we get these nuts?

Okay, stand by for veterinarian's hospital. Veterinarian's hospital.

Oh, frog of my life.

Please tell me what they're saying about you is not true.

What's that, Biggie?

That you, you...

television show, Venturing of the Boards. You have never heard of the

sketch?

Piggy said the frog trying to refrain from losing his cool and looking like a

bad sport.

There is no banana sketch!

There never was a banana sketch and there never will be a banana sketch!

Touchy, touchy.

Hey, which way to my dressing room?

And don't try to shove me into the refrigerator.

Now, Veterinarians Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic

who's gone to the dogs.

Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob?

This is your first transplant.

Well, there's always a second chance.

But what if he doesn't make it, Dr. Bob?

I don't mean him, I mean me.

Let me check into something.

The old ticker still sounds great.

Oh, you mean his new heart is fine?

No, I mean my new watch. I dropped it in when I was sewing him up.

So Dr.

Bob dropped his watch in the patient's chest.

Tune in next week when we'll hear Dr.

Bob say... Well, let's look on the bright side. At least if he doesn't make

we'll know the exact time he went.

That's wonderful, wonderful.

Right, Sandler?

Did he jump?

Try to remember the kind of September

When grass...

Special thanks to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan.

I want you to know I had a good time.

Oh, me too. Hey, and you know how some shows give their guest star a dozen

at the end of the show?

You shouldn't have.

I didn't. Hey, banana boy!

Sandy, it was the frog's idea, not mine, not mine. All right, I love it. I love

all of you. Yeah? You know what? I hope that's the last...

Manna sketch.

Well, how'd you like the show?

Maybe I'm getting soft, but I loved it. Have a banana.