Original subtitles

Oh, Alan. Alan Arkin.

28 seconds to a curtain, Mr. Arkin. Thank you, Scooter.

Did you get that milkshake you ordered? Uh, not yet, but the chef is working on

it.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Alan Arkin.

It's time to get things started. I'm the most inspirational, inspirational,

celebrating, all about the day. This is what we call the

Muppet

Show. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi -ho, and welcome again to the Muppet

Show. And have we got a show for you.

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, we have.

special guest star is that fantastic actor, singer, and director, Mr. Alan

Arkin.

Yes! But before we meet Alan, let us take a trip down south, where we shall

some very strange tourists!

The devil went down to Georgia. He's looking for a soul to steal.

He's in a bind because he's way behind and willing to make a deal.

When he come across this young man sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot,

devil jumped up on a hickory something.

Boy, let me tell you what.

I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player, too.

And if you dare to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you. Now, you play

good fiddle, boy, but give the devil his due. I better fiddle the gold against

your soul because I think I'm better than you.

I'll tell you my name's Johnny, and it might be a sin, but I'll take your bet

and you're going to regret it. I'm the best it's ever been.

Johnny, rise and up your bow and play your fiddle hard.

Because every fool's in Georgia and the devil deals the cards. And if you win,

you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.

But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.

The devil opened up his cage and said, I'll start that show.

And fire flew from his fingertips as he rosined up his bow.

Then he pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss. Then a

of demons joined in that sounded something like this.

Devil finished, Johnny said. Well, you're pretty good, old son.

But sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done.

Fire on the mountain, run, boys, run.

Devils in the house of the rising sun.

Chicken in the bread thing, pick it up, though.

Bread and dishes all back, no chow, no.

You all see some fiddle playing?

bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat. And he laid that golden

little lawn on the ground at Johnny's feet. And Johnny said, Devil, just come

back if you ever want to try again.

Because I told you once, you son of a gun, I'm the best that's ever been.

Fire in the mountain, run, boys, run.

Devil's in the house till the rising sun.

Chickens in the red space picking out doughnuts.

And as you know, but no child knows.

Well, I've seen many an egg laid on this show, but this is a first. Why?

They laid a deviled egg.

Okay,

terrific, guys. Devil, you were good.

Good? I'm not supposed to be good.

Wait a second. Who are you guys?

We're the Bun Bun Brothers.

Can we do a number?

Uh, no.

Why?

Well, you see, it's politics. If I allowed for singing rabbits, then the

carrots would cancel.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to check the set for Alan's first number.

I'd like to take this glass of bicarbonate of soda up to Alan Arkin's

room.

Beaker, why are you carrying that glass of ultra -powerful Jekyll Hyde potion?

Ultra -powerful Jekyll Hyde potion?

Beaker, are you trying to tell me that we have accidentally switched these

glasses?

Well, we must simply unswitch them.

No, no, no, Beaker, I said we must unswitch them.

After all, we wouldn't want Alan Arkin to accidentally drink the glass of ultra

-powerful Jekyll Hyde potion.

This could be a very different kind of show tonight.

Come in.

Hello, Mr. Arkin.

I understand you're not feeling too well.

I'm Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew, and this is Beaker. Well, it's nothing serious. I just have

little heartburn. I mean, I appreciate you and your nurse.

What's the matter with her?

Well, nothing.

Oh, stop it, Beaker. I think it's cute.

Anyway, that's why we're here.

Drink this and you can say totally binky boos to that nasty old tummy upset.

Totally binky boos, eh? All right.

I don't think you better introduce Alan Arkin right now. Why not?

Well, uh, well, he's changed.

Well, of course he's changed. He had to put on his costume for this number.

I mean, he's changed in another way.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Just let me finish the

introduction. Ladies and gentlemen... What was that?

Alan Arkin.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulously talented, the Bon Bon...

Blip -a -dee -doo -dah, blip -a -dee -ay.

My, oh my, what a wonderful day.

Plenty of sunshine in my way.

Blip -a -dee -doo -dah, blip -a -dee -ay.

Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder.

It's the truth, it's actual.

Everything is that it's factual. Blip -a -dee -doo -dah.

wonderful day.

Here's one you missed.

Now, he's coming off stage, guys. Now, when he gets here, throw the ropes

him, and then we can get him into the straitjacket, okay?

Here he comes.

Excuse

me,

guys. Would you mind taking this rope off me, please?

You're back.

Yeah, I never left. I just came down to do my number, Kermit.

Well, pigs, get out of here. Take those ropes off of our guest star and get out

of here. Out, out, out, out, out.

Sorry about that, Alan.

But you don't remember any of that?

I remember it's time to do my number.

Oh.

Oh, well, actually, I had to cancel your number.

Why? I thought you liked that number, Kermit.

It's not that exactly.

Don't explain.

You're the boss.

I guess it just wasn't good enough.

Well, at least he's not a monster anymore.

Well, Mr. Kermit, that's the thing about my ultra -powerful Jekyll and Hyde

potion.

and it goes.

I got rhythm.

I got... I got rhythm.

Wait a second. Hold on.

You're starting wrong. It goes like this. Let me show you.

I got rhythm.

Gotcha, gotcha.

I...

I got rhythm.

I got... No, no, no. Fozzie, hold on a second. Let me make one little change

here.

Okay, I'll sing it.

Yes, sir.

I don't got rhythm.

I don't got rhythm.

That's for sure. I don't got rhythm. Who could ask for anything more?

We could.

Yeah.

Who could ask for anything more?

And now, here in Spain!

When last we left the spaceship Quine Trek, it had developed a severe lift.

I can't correct it. There's something wrong with the gyroslopic.

What do you call it, Dr. Strangeport? I don't know, but if it isn't fixed, it'll

sure louse up our billiard game tonight.

Why?

Maybe I can fix it.

You? Yes.

Hmm.

Oh. I fixed it.

But all you did was tickling.

Maybe it took a woman's touch.

It's working, isn't it, gentlemen?

Yes, it is. Okay, let me back in my own seat.

Excuse me.

Oh, no.

It's doing it again.

Right. First, Big Piggy, come here, please.

Why? Just come here.

All right.

Watch it.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you go back to your own seat?

Well, I think I will.

Uh -oh.

Hey, I get it now.

One word from you, Lord Lipson, you're dead.

As you wish, First Mate Fatso.

Miss you?

I was lonely as heck.

Are you kidding?

You know how dull things have been around here without you?

Oh, they're gonna be.

You know, if you keep applauding, you won't hear my monologue.

Okay, okay.

Oh, but, of course, that doesn't mean I want you to sit on your hands.

Don't worry. We won't. Good.

Yeah, if we sit on our hands, we can't throw things at you.

Please, give me a chance, will you?

Okay.

A very funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater.

Too bad it didn't happen after you got here.

Oh, boy.

You're making me so nervous, I forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, mission accomplished.

Come on, please.

I'm begging, please.

Just one joke, that's all I ask. Just one joke.

I think he deserves that, don't you?

No, but go ahead.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Okay, joke.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

I don't know. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

No, it isn't.

I was on that ship.

Wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now.

I gotta get a different line of work.

Be dry cleaning or something.

Why'd you do that to poor Fozzie?

Do what? I really was on the Titanic.

I know. You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the lifeboat.

Okay, how was it, Fozzie?

Just my luck.

A titanic survivor in the audience.

Okay, now let's see, where did I leave my clipboard?

Hey, would you guys stop following me?

Oh, please, Mr. Kermit, protect us from your guest star, Alan Arkin.

Listen, guys, I know that Alan accidentally drank the ultra -powerful

Hyde potion, but he really is a sweet, sensitive, gentle man.

And I'll protect you from him.

Right now, I have an introduction to make.

Oh, this is just too dangerous.

I'm going to have to throw this ultra -powerful Jekyll Hyde potion away now.

And here he is now, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew in Buffet Lab.

Oh, heaven stop horse feathers.

I've just been introduced.

Get out there, Bunsen.

Now, will you rabbits stop hopping when I make introductions?

It's ridiculous.

Oh, good. I'm kind of thirsty.

Where did I put that?

Where did I put that?

Properly.

Keith, thanks for letting us stay with you, Mr. Kermit. We feel safe near you.

Hey, uh,

Kermit, could you hold it down a little bit, please? I'm trying to take a rest.

Well, I don't understand why you're annoyed with me.

I've worked very hard on that final number. I've been told it's the kind of

number that can really grab you.

When I used the word grab, I was speaking metaphorically.

Gee, I'm feeling kind of weird tonight.

But anyway, it's guest star time, and here I am to introduce him, unless, of

course, he's turned into a raging beast.

Oh, good news, Chief. He's been his normal, lovable self for a few minutes

Oh, good. Oh, incidentally, do you know where Miss Piggy is right now?

No. Well, it might be best to keep her in her dressing room, because I don't

think she should hear this closing number. Anything you say, boss.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world knows Alan Arkin as a great film actor, but

wait, he's also a fantastic singer and composer.

Here he is singing one of his most beloved ballads, Mr. Alan Arkin!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It's great to be back on The Monkey Show.

Fantastic to be back on The Muppet Show, even if it is the first time I've been

on The Muppet Show. But seriously, folks, we'd like to do a little number

you now that's about one of my favorite animals. I certainly hope it's about one

of your favorite animals. A little number we call Pig.

If you live in a barnyard.

Mother's a sow.

She can sleep on manure.

Don't ask me how.

If your eyes are quite tiny and your ears very big, you can be fairly certain

what you are is a pig.

If you like to dig truffles out from

under the ground, if you like to make noises, Oink's your favorite sound.

You can sleep through the morning.

Every chance you can rig.

There's no need to question what you are as a pig.

Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig. Pig, pig, pig, pig,

pig. If you like to push garbage around with your nose.

If you like to feel mud ooze up between your two toes.

If your tail is all girly.

But not all that big.

Then don't bother to wonder.

You can bet you're a pig.

Well,

if

you're walking your breakfast, if you're sitting your lunch, if you're rolling

your dinner, then I've got a strong hunch you're no muskrat or beaver.

No tomato or pig.

There's no need to question.

I'm going to tell you the truth of the situation, what you are, my friend.

You might as well find out now what you are.

What you are is a pig.

that our guest star and I keep turning into rampaging monsters.

But here he is anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Alan Arkin! Yeah!

Well, I don't really remember a lot of it, Paramount, but I'm fairly sure I had

a terrific time.

Oh, excuse me. I think I'd get off stage if I were you. Why's that?

Oh, the bunny rabbits just drank the Jekyll Hyde potion.

You think that Jekyll Hyde stuff is expensive?

No, my wife has a whole glass of it every morning.